Ex getting married, just caused a row with DH

[Exgetshitched]

Name changed here as outing if you know me and the situation.

Was in a long term relationship, foolishly cheated on partner so ended the relationship. A year later I got into a relationship with the man I had the affair with. Years later, we’re married and have two children.

I haven’t seen my ex in years, but one of my friends boyfriends still see him regularly. Meaning my friend does as well.

My ex is getting married this year, which I have absolutely no issues with. My friend and her boyfriend are going, again no issues with this. Tonight another friends husband told me he had an evening invite to the wedding, I was a bit surprised as whilst they saw each other loads as a group when we were together they’ve seen each other twice in the last 8 years. After the initial surprise, I really am fine with it.

What did bother me though was his wife, my best friend, thinking about going. She started off saying, she didn’t like weddings and probably wasn’t going to go, to realising our other friend was going to be there and then basically making plans to go.

I still see my best friend frequently but she will not go on nights out anymore as she doesn’t like drinking. So it bothered me a bit that she’s suddenly up for this wedding, which will involve heavy drinking.

I just tried to speak to my DH about how that made me feel and he just lost it at me.

Apparently, it shouldn’t bother me at all that my friend was going along to a wedding with her husband. Apparently I shouldn’t have spoken to him about my feelings and if anything I should be trying to reassure him.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t see it from the angle that she’s going to support her husband. I’m not convinced that is why she’s going. I also am genuinely not bothered this he is getting married, otherwise I wouldn’t have been mentioning anything would I?

I don’t know how to handle this with my dh now, especially as he announced he has never gotten over the fact I cheated. Surely, I don’t still deserve to be punished for that all these years later?!

If you're genuinely not bothered about ex getting married I really don't understand why your friend going along to it would bother you. Or do you want to go too?!

You clearly do mind she is going, you just can't admit it to yourself.

Weddings don't involve heavy drinking You can go to a wedding and not drink at all.

The rest of it - she can do what she wants

I hate that I cheated and I probably go too far with ensuring DH knows everything so that I don’t feel I’m keeping anything a secret and being dishonest again.

But he was your affair partner! He knows about the dishonesty!

I've read all your posts and I don't understand the issue either. I don't understand why you even had to state that you don't have a problem with the ex getting married. Why would anyone think you might? What exactly is the trouble with people going to the wedding of the ex from long ago whom you cheated on and left?

What was your husband having a go at you for?

Are you really as happily married as you say? Is this a case of someone desperate to make it work to justify the cheating?

I'm just trying to work out wtf is going on because I can't understand why anyone would a problem with any of this.

@DiscordandRhyme

You're upset OP as you no longer are the centre of attention.

You played 2 men about and still have the moral high ground to complain your friend goes to his wedding?

You're upset because you can't control these people anymore and it drives you crazy.

@DiscordandRhyme - exactly this. Stop trying to control OP and also take some responsibility for the fact you cheated. You’re bloody lucky your current DH stays with you and isn’t making that much of a big deal about this nor the fact that you got together with him and were cheating then.

I imagine that, subconsciously, you may be feeling that marriages, partnerships, often revolve, socially, around other couples and that particular lifestyle. People who are single don't fit in, but if they pair up with someone and get into a committed relationship, they become ' staid', even you could say, 'respectable'/ safe, and suitable to be invited to couple-type events. You are subconsciously worried that your friend might start socialising with you ex in couple things. Then, gradually, she'll become subliminally receptive to his side of the story and his hurt that you cheated. You might be sidelined a little, as the new way of thinking and loyalties falls into place.
It's all petty, but I suppose feel that you were fortunate in keeping sympathy of mutual friends following cheating, and you've moved on well, and are established with your current husband. Maybe he feels some of the above too, and aware that your friends are going to be - perhaps - closer to your exDH.

The problem is that you are all still interconnected, via friendship groups. You all know each other in a capacity, and are going to be invited to be part of a group - or not. And, weirdly, friendships aren't always forged on an individual basis, but as how couples are perceived to fit in. Being in a couple, strangely, makes someone seem acceptable, successful, loveable - well, someone wants to put up with them.

I think letting go of any resentment is the answer. And the good thing is your ex will now be happy and unlikely to moan about your betrayal, and his wife won't want this either, as it will suggest that he still has feelings for you/can't get over it. So sit it out and put your feelings on the back burner. Be amicable to ex. Don't make your closest friends choose .

But he was your affair partner! He knows about the dishonesty

Ops is avoiding this part. I am thinking he didn't know she was in a relationship. It all came out. Both relationships ended. They got back together.

Even if that is true, Really he chose to get back with her, so he should be letting that go. But her making a fuss over his wedding and feeling hurt her friend is attending has probably made him think she still has feeling for her ex.

I can imagine that raking up all sorts of emotions.

* Name changed*

Good idea
Who’d want to be associated with this kind of OP

I think it's possible that your exDH might be thinking that now that he is joining the 'marrieds' group, he might try to connect with the social group to which you are part. You don't say if this is a neighbourhood -based group, or a work-based group, or past-time, but it sounds like there is a way you all frequently come into contact - e.h., stag-do invite, as you don't just message people you barely see and say "Come to my stag weekend". So it's like a group that your ex might get stuck into, now that he is going to be one of the marrieds.

The people you cheat with are always insecure as they know what you are really like.

But her making a fuss over his wedding and feeling hurt her friend is attending has probably made him think she still has feeling for her ex.

But why is OP making a fuss over it? When she said she cheated and dumped him, then married and had kids with the affair partner, and it was all years ago, I took that as pretty hard evidence that she's not in love with him.

All kinds of people get invited to weddings for all kinds of reasons. So I wouldn't waste any time trying to ponder that one. I know a number of people who don't like going out but would love a wedding, again for various reasons. So I think your puzzling over this is a waste of head space. For that reason if I was your dh I to would find it odd that you brought it up.
Reassuring him isn't a bad idea, he says he needs that so why not, people don't usually spend any time thinking about guest lists of weddings of people who are irrelevant to them. I don't like drinking but would go to a wedding friends of mine were attending, it's not odd to be. So to me your interest in this is unnecessary and sadly appears to have found a chink in your dh's confidence.
I'd focus on that, if this highlights that some relationship maintenance needs doing it's not a bad thing, you could end up in a better position than you were as you wouldn't have known otherwise. Talk to him.

It seems like he’s the one that got away? I understand that must be horrible if it was your fault it ended.
Maybe deep down your current partner knows this, and that if you could go back in time you wouldn’t cheat, hence the reaction.

But why is OP making a fuss over it? When she said she cheated and dumped him, then married and had kids with the affair partner, and it was all years ago, I took that as pretty hard evidence that she's not in love with him.

No idea why she is making a fuss. Its ridiculous.

However, I was answering the point that maybe she didn't cheat with her now dh. Maybe they were both unaware of each other.

Now this behaviour has the dh thinking she still has feelings, hence his comment about the cheating.

You've way over analysed your friends attendance down to her alcohol consumption. I can see why your DH is a bit like "what's the big deal". You left this bloke, he means nothing to you now.

My ex is getting married this year, which I have absolutely no issues with.

If you genuinely had ‘absolutely no issues with it’, you wouldn’t have even said that.

By saying you have ‘absolutely no issues with him getting married’, all you’re doing is making us all think you have underlying issues when it. Not even that underlying.

Presumably you left him as your DH was the one you wanted. So get over your ex.

@HoneyItIsntGoodLuck I agree. It wouldn't have even been mentioned if you were 100% no issues.

@Shesmyperson

But why is OP making a fuss over it? When she said she cheated and dumped him, then married and had kids with the affair partner, and it was all years ago, I took that as pretty hard evidence that she's not in love with him.

No idea why she is making a fuss. Its ridiculous.

However, I was answering the point that maybe she didn't cheat with her now dh. Maybe they were both unaware of each other.

Now this behaviour has the dh thinking she still has feelings, hence his comment about the cheating.

But even then, why the issue with their mutual friend going? Especially when she'll be going with her own husband? And if OP hasn't seen the ex in years, how does she know how much contact he has with other people?

There's something huge here that OP isn't telling us. Until we know what it is, this is all useless.

OP, you've lost me. Why can;t your friend attend his wedding? Why on earth would she be going to 'support' her husband. Do people need support to get over the trauma of being a wedding guest these days?

You cheated. He moved on. Everyone you have ever known has a legitimate right to be in whatever kind of relationship they want with him. If they want to celebrate his wedding and his newfound happiness after you cheated, why wouldn't you welcome this?

Surely you want him to be happy and for his long-standing friends to celebrate that happiness. I think his wedding is none of your business.

My ex is getting married this year, which I have absolutely no issues with

Why should you have any issues with it? It’s got fuck all to do with you.

I couldn’t give a shiny shite what my exes are up to. You’ve made a huge mountain out a molehill with all of this.

Passing comment or a row as per your thread title?

It all feels very primary school style "you can't be their friend because you're my friend"

You cheated on your long term partner, then married the OM.

You get no say in who does or doesn't go to his wedding, your frie do or not.

But out and let him be happy and move on.

It's the wedding of an ex boyfriend from years ago. Why are you remotely bothered about who's going? You've married and had 2 kids. It sounds like you haven't properly moved on...