Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex getting married, just caused a row with DH

252 replies

Exgetshitched · 05/03/2022 23:24

Name changed here as outing if you know me and the situation.

Was in a long term relationship, foolishly cheated on partner so ended the relationship. A year later I got into a relationship with the man I had the affair with. Years later, we’re married and have two children.

I haven’t seen my ex in years, but one of my friends boyfriends still see him regularly. Meaning my friend does as well.

My ex is getting married this year, which I have absolutely no issues with. My friend and her boyfriend are going, again no issues with this. Tonight another friends husband told me he had an evening invite to the wedding, I was a bit surprised as whilst they saw each other loads as a group when we were together they’ve seen each other twice in the last 8 years. After the initial surprise, I really am fine with it.

What did bother me though was his wife, my best friend, thinking about going. She started off saying, she didn’t like weddings and probably wasn’t going to go, to realising our other friend was going to be there and then basically making plans to go.

I still see my best friend frequently but she will not go on nights out anymore as she doesn’t like drinking. So it bothered me a bit that she’s suddenly up for this wedding, which will involve heavy drinking.

I just tried to speak to my DH about how that made me feel and he just lost it at me.

Apparently, it shouldn’t bother me at all that my friend was going along to a wedding with her husband. Apparently I shouldn’t have spoken to him about my feelings and if anything I should be trying to reassure him.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t see it from the angle that she’s going to support her husband. I’m not convinced that is why she’s going. I also am genuinely not bothered this he is getting married, otherwise I wouldn’t have been mentioning anything would I?

I don’t know how to handle this with my dh now, especially as he announced he has never gotten over the fact I cheated. Surely, I don’t still deserve to be punished for that all these years later?!

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 06/03/2022 00:08

@Exgetshitched

Name changed here as outing if you know me and the situation.

Was in a long term relationship, foolishly cheated on partner so ended the relationship. A year later I got into a relationship with the man I had the affair with. Years later, we’re married and have two children.

I haven’t seen my ex in years, but one of my friends boyfriends still see him regularly. Meaning my friend does as well.

My ex is getting married this year, which I have absolutely no issues with. My friend and her boyfriend are going, again no issues with this. Tonight another friends husband told me he had an evening invite to the wedding, I was a bit surprised as whilst they saw each other loads as a group when we were together they’ve seen each other twice in the last 8 years. After the initial surprise, I really am fine with it.

What did bother me though was his wife, my best friend, thinking about going. She started off saying, she didn’t like weddings and probably wasn’t going to go, to realising our other friend was going to be there and then basically making plans to go.

I still see my best friend frequently but she will not go on nights out anymore as she doesn’t like drinking. So it bothered me a bit that she’s suddenly up for this wedding, which will involve heavy drinking.

I just tried to speak to my DH about how that made me feel and he just lost it at me.

Apparently, it shouldn’t bother me at all that my friend was going along to a wedding with her husband. Apparently I shouldn’t have spoken to him about my feelings and if anything I should be trying to reassure him.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t see it from the angle that she’s going to support her husband. I’m not convinced that is why she’s going. I also am genuinely not bothered this he is getting married, otherwise I wouldn’t have been mentioning anything would I?

I don’t know how to handle this with my dh now, especially as he announced he has never gotten over the fact I cheated. Surely, I don’t still deserve to be punished for that all these years later?!

Was he bothered at the time when you was having the affair with him then ? If not then why the sudden reverse of moral standpoint ?
DiscordandRhyme · 06/03/2022 00:19

You're upset OP as you no longer are the centre of attention.

You played 2 men about and still have the moral high ground to complain your friend goes to his wedding?

You're upset because you can't control these people anymore and it drives you crazy.

Tallisimo · 06/03/2022 00:23

And also, what’s with all the guff about drinking? Irrelevant!

me4real · 06/03/2022 00:27

Like PP's, I don't see the issue with your friend going- it shows you actually are bothered about the wedding in some way.

As to the drinking- others there might drink a lot, but she can drink as little or as much as she wants.

Thewiseoneincognito · 06/03/2022 00:42

Your ex dodged a bullet with you didn’t he 🤭

I wish him lots of luck, his stars have finally aligned.

toomuchlaundry · 06/03/2022 00:47

I’m confused

TedMullins · 06/03/2022 00:47

You’re being a dick. Why do you care that she’s going? Your ex didn’t do anything wrong, you cheated on him! So why should your friend take sides?

bellac11 · 06/03/2022 00:54

Your friend doesnt have to have your 'ok' to go to a wedding of your ex husband

I dont understand your OH's worry about you cheating, that was with him yes?

What has your friend's drinking habits got to do with anything?

BadNomad · 06/03/2022 00:59

You're not an injured party in all of this. There is no reason at all for anyone not to go to this wedding. Going to a wedding is completely different to going on a night out so I don't see why you could have any issue with your friend going.

As for your DH being annoyed, did he not realise at the time you were cheating with him? That's the only explanation I can think of for why he thinks he has any right to pass judgement on you. Even so, he still married you. He needs to get over himself.

Blossom64265 · 06/03/2022 01:02

Just because some people drink heavily at a wedding doesn’t mean all people drink heavily or at all at a wedding. It’s not a night out clubbing, it’s a family friendly gathering.

I think your post is meant to read that the person getting married is your affair partner and your spouse is the the original man you reconciled with and eventually married? If so, he has every right to be a bit touchy about any complaints you make regarding a person you had an affair with.

As long as the person getting married is not someone who abused you, it is inappropriate to expect your friends to decline the invite or to pick sides. They can continue being friends with everyone, even if certain combinations of people can no longer be in the same place.

HoppingPavlova · 06/03/2022 01:08

No idea what the issue is with the friend going with her DH? Or anyone else for that matter. Why would you care?

No idea about the drinking thing either, some people go to weddings and get smashed, others go and don’t drink a drop, others are somewhere between those extremes. Drinking is not mandatory in order to accept the invitationConfused.

britneyisfree · 06/03/2022 01:08

Op is deffo not coming back to this yikes.

DropYourSword · 06/03/2022 01:13

You must know really that it's entirely fine for your friend to go. She doesn't have to have a loyalty to you if you were the one who cheated on him! It would maybe be different if he had cheated on you instead.
But also, no, your partner should not be continuing to punish you for cheating given it was him you cheated with. He knew that (presumably) when you got together. He knows you can and have cheated and if he got into a relationship with you that way he has to deal with that risk.

FlibbertyGiblets · 06/03/2022 01:14

Your husband doesn't trust you, what with him being your affair partner all those years ago. What a mess.

ladydimitrescu · 06/03/2022 01:19

Your friend can do what she likes, your ex did nothing wrong, you're the one who cheated.
If you make an issue out of this you're being an arsehole.

Original poster
Exgetshitched · 06/03/2022 01:21

This isn’t about controlling or policing anyone, I wouldn’t have ever said anything to my friend about it. Nor was I really upset about it, it bothered me a bit. That’s what my husband does, makes out I had much stronger feelings on the matter than I actually did.

I know people will then be thinking, why bring it up if you didn’t care that much. I think I brought it up with DH because I hate that I cheated and I probably go too far with ensuring DH knows everything so that I don’t feel I’m keeping anything a secret and being dishonest again.

The response which most resonated with me, was the one that said I just don’t want to miss out on a social engagement with my friends, I need to reflect and understand why I feel like this.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 06/03/2022 01:23

Your husband has finally taken his blinders off and has admitted to himself that he married a cheater.

BTW, you have absolutely no cause to be concerned, or anything else, as to who goes to this wedding. You claim you don't care that your ex is getting married, several times you've mentioned this, in fact, but you're lying to yourself.

ImInStealthMode · 06/03/2022 01:24

I'm so confused. I'd be pissed off if my best friend announced she was going to my EXH's wedding, but that's because he was an abusive dick that did me a lot of damage.

If you cheated on him and your friends have since chosen to remain in contact with him then that's entirely your bed to lie in.

And I'm sorry, your current DH can't get over you cheating, WITH HIM?!?

WTF??

bellac11 · 06/03/2022 01:27

I dont really understand what you/re saying.

YOu wanted to tell your husband everything, but something you dont care about is nothing to tell him surely? So you told him about something you dont care about so that he knows everything you dont have to care about?

Is he your original husband then or the man you cheated with, and left your original husband?

Aquamarine1029 · 06/03/2022 01:32

@bellac11

I dont really understand what you/re saying.

YOu wanted to tell your husband everything, but something you dont care about is nothing to tell him surely? So you told him about something you dont care about so that he knows everything you dont have to care about?

Is he your original husband then or the man you cheated with, and left your original husband?

She's lying to herself. No one creates this much drama over something they don't care about.

Her current husband is the man she cheated with on her ex-partner.

Original poster
Exgetshitched · 06/03/2022 01:32

Just to address a couple of points. It’s not that they’ve maintained a friendship and she’s going to the wedding though. The friend who has continued to see him, I have no issues that she’s going to the wedding and even the brides hen do. No issues at all.

It’s different with this friend because they haven’t seen each other since we split. Haven’t text, called and aren’t even friends on social media.

With the drinking, I wasn’t saying she’d be heavily drinking at the wedding. It’s that I know it will be a very drunken wedding, she knows that too. So why is that any different when she won’t even come down the pub with us; when no one would force her to drink heavily.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 06/03/2022 01:34

The response which most resonated with me, was the one that said I just don’t want to miss out on a social engagement with my friends, I need to reflect and understand why I feel like this.

That does make you sound dreadfully self-centred. You cheated on him and now you're sad you don't get to go to his wedding with your friend?

Aquamarine1029 · 06/03/2022 01:36

It’s different with this friend because they haven’t seen each other since we split. Haven’t text, called and aren’t even friends on social media.

It's not different because it's completely irrelevant. They could be strangers and her going to this wedding is still none of your fucking business.

With the drinking, I wasn’t saying she’d be heavily drinking at the wedding. It’s that I know it will be a very drunken wedding, she knows that too. So why is that any different when she won’t even come down the pub with us; when no one would force her to drink heavily.

Again, absolutely irrelevant. It's beyond bizarre that you think your friend has to justify anything to you or anyone else. She's going to a wedding with her husband, end of. Get over it.

bellac11 · 06/03/2022 01:38

@Exgetshitched

Just to address a couple of points. It’s not that they’ve maintained a friendship and she’s going to the wedding though. The friend who has continued to see him, I have no issues that she’s going to the wedding and even the brides hen do. No issues at all.

It’s different with this friend because they haven’t seen each other since we split. Haven’t text, called and aren’t even friends on social media.

With the drinking, I wasn’t saying she’d be heavily drinking at the wedding. It’s that I know it will be a very drunken wedding, she knows that too. So why is that any different when she won’t even come down the pub with us; when no one would force her to drink heavily.

That isnt really any of your business is it?
Original poster
Exgetshitched · 06/03/2022 01:44

Wow some of you are harsh!! Once a cheat, always a cheat ay?

I wasn’t married to my ex, we met at a very young age and was still relatively young when this all happened. Some stuff happened in my life and basically I self sabotaged. This is the one and only time I have ever cheated. I knew I did wrong so I ended the relationship.

I didn’t intend to make a huge drama out of anything. I simple asked my husband, what did you make of the wedding situation as it didn’t sit quite right with me that friend was going. He then started having a go at me.

OP posts: