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Original poster

Ex getting married, just caused a row with DH

252 replies

Exgetshitched · 05/03/2022 23:24

Name changed here as outing if you know me and the situation.

Was in a long term relationship, foolishly cheated on partner so ended the relationship. A year later I got into a relationship with the man I had the affair with. Years later, we’re married and have two children.

I haven’t seen my ex in years, but one of my friends boyfriends still see him regularly. Meaning my friend does as well.

My ex is getting married this year, which I have absolutely no issues with. My friend and her boyfriend are going, again no issues with this. Tonight another friends husband told me he had an evening invite to the wedding, I was a bit surprised as whilst they saw each other loads as a group when we were together they’ve seen each other twice in the last 8 years. After the initial surprise, I really am fine with it.

What did bother me though was his wife, my best friend, thinking about going. She started off saying, she didn’t like weddings and probably wasn’t going to go, to realising our other friend was going to be there and then basically making plans to go.

I still see my best friend frequently but she will not go on nights out anymore as she doesn’t like drinking. So it bothered me a bit that she’s suddenly up for this wedding, which will involve heavy drinking.

I just tried to speak to my DH about how that made me feel and he just lost it at me.

Apparently, it shouldn’t bother me at all that my friend was going along to a wedding with her husband. Apparently I shouldn’t have spoken to him about my feelings and if anything I should be trying to reassure him.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t see it from the angle that she’s going to support her husband. I’m not convinced that is why she’s going. I also am genuinely not bothered this he is getting married, otherwise I wouldn’t have been mentioning anything would I?

I don’t know how to handle this with my dh now, especially as he announced he has never gotten over the fact I cheated. Surely, I don’t still deserve to be punished for that all these years later?!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 06/03/2022 01:47

People aren't being harsh about the cheating. They're being harsh because you seem very invested in your ex's weeding when it's none of your business. So what if a friend goes, who cares? The fact that you cheated means you have even less say.

Mismas · 06/03/2022 01:52

Shouldn't matter to you who goes to the wedding. You were the one who did the dirty and caused it to end. You were in the wrong. Why should others stop seeing your ex because of what you did? The fact you did that you should be glad anyone stuck around as your friend because if I was friends with both people and one did that I’d be concerned about what kind of person they were that is likely just as dishonest to me as their partner and steer clear. Definitely would stay loyal to the hurt party than the one off getting it on with someone else.
People are probably tip toeing around this so as not to hurt your feelings when they actually want to go. Maybe you should look at why people are so worried to tell you they’re going because they like him….

Aquamarine1029 · 06/03/2022 01:52

You really aren't listening.

I simple asked my husband, what did you make of the wedding situation as it didn’t sit quite right with me that friend was going.

The fact that your friend is going to this wedding is not something you have the right judge. Not in anyway, not ever. And the fact that you even mentioned this, or the wedding in general, to your husband, and it's the wedding of the man you cheated on with your husband, just makes you look daft and completely clueless. You really can't understand why your husband would take offense at your totally inappropriate judgement of your friend? Confused

You say you don't care that your ex is getting married, but your actions and reactions say the total opposite to those around you.

BadNomad · 06/03/2022 01:59

Is it because you seem to be the only person from the old friendship group who isn't invited? Do you feel like your best friend is being disloyal to go when you haven't been invited? Your reasoning really doesn't make sense. An evening do is really not the same as an evening at the pub. It's a celebration of a wedding. One you are not invited to. Is that the real issue?

Original poster
Exgetshitched · 06/03/2022 02:03

@Aquamarine1029 my friend and her husband brought it up when we were all together tonight, they told us they’d been invited. I said that’s a bit random as they haven’t kept in touch. Friends husband explained they’d been on a stag do together. I said ah okay. Conversation moved on, no drama.

OP posts:
istandwithukraine · 06/03/2022 02:05

So why is that any different when she won’t even come down the pub with us;

Maybe she doesn't want to sit and drink and socialise with a couple of cheats 🤷🏻‍♀️

bellac11 · 06/03/2022 02:06

[quote Exgetshitched]@Aquamarine1029 my friend and her husband brought it up when we were all together tonight, they told us they’d been invited. I said that’s a bit random as they haven’t kept in touch. Friends husband explained they’d been on a stag do together. I said ah okay. Conversation moved on, no drama.[/quote]
That still doesnt make sense. Because you did then bring it up with your own partner and said it didnt sit right that one of your friends was going

No wonder he was pissed off.

Theres no reason for it to sit right or wrong with you, its not of your concern

Original poster
Exgetshitched · 06/03/2022 02:10

@istandwithukraine really???? She just spent an evening with us!! No one has made her stay friends with me for the last 8/9 years!

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 06/03/2022 02:12

@Exgetshitched

Wow some of you are harsh!! Once a cheat, always a cheat ay?

I wasn’t married to my ex, we met at a very young age and was still relatively young when this all happened. Some stuff happened in my life and basically I self sabotaged. This is the one and only time I have ever cheated. I knew I did wrong so I ended the relationship.

I didn’t intend to make a huge drama out of anything. I simple asked my husband, what did you make of the wedding situation as it didn’t sit quite right with me that friend was going. He then started having a go at me.

Usually by mumsnetters in General, yes once you have cheated then the potential is always there for any cheater to cheat again.
Rosieposie101 · 06/03/2022 02:13

You are being unreasonable to feel annoyed that your friend is going to the wedding. She has every right to go. It's not like he is an abusive ex! You cheated on him! And yes it was a bit weird that you'd raise it with your husband becayse it makes it seem that you're bothered about the wedding. And he probably feels a bit unsure of whether you're entirely trustworthy due to the old phrase 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. I find this happens sometimes when a person ends up with their affair partner. Their affair partner struggles sometimes to trust them completely as they know what they're capable of.

Pantsomime · 06/03/2022 02:16

You need to examine your feelings over ex as you are over invested in this - you BF has her own life - and the invite bothers you because….

bluesberry · 06/03/2022 02:35

@Exgetshitched

Wow some of you are harsh!! Once a cheat, always a cheat ay?

I wasn’t married to my ex, we met at a very young age and was still relatively young when this all happened. Some stuff happened in my life and basically I self sabotaged. This is the one and only time I have ever cheated. I knew I did wrong so I ended the relationship.

I didn’t intend to make a huge drama out of anything. I simple asked my husband, what did you make of the wedding situation as it didn’t sit quite right with me that friend was going. He then started having a go at me.

Why doesn't it sit right with you though?

If your friend told you she was going to a different wedding where she hadn't been in touch with them for years I'm assuming you wouldn't care?

TheRealBoswell · 06/03/2022 02:47

It’s unclear why your husband is annoyed with you for cheating. Correct me if I’m wrong, he was the affair partner and you both eventually got married and now have children? He might be annoyed if he sensed an ounce of jealousy, but it doesn’t make sense about the cheating as he was the one you were cheating with.

Why is it bothering you so much what your best friend does? Is it because the wedding happens to be the one where your ex is getting married? If you were really young when you were with him, then why does it matter if she goes? You are under the assumption that they’ve not kept in touch, but perhaps your best friend and her partner are a lot closer to your ex than you think? If that was the case, would that be an issue for you?

You need to examine why you are so bothered by all this. Is it to do with a question of loyalty for you? Or is it something else?

mathanxiety · 06/03/2022 02:54

You are being completely unreasonable.

Your friend is going to the wedding to make sure her H doesn't end up hooking up with one of the bridesmaids. Leave her alone.

None of this should be bothering you. You're divorced. You've moved on and so has your ex.

Pyewhacket · 06/03/2022 02:57

@Idontgiveagriffindamn

To be honest I’m not entirely sure why your upset your friend is going. It sounds like you’re jealous so if that’s the way it’s coming across to your partner I kind of get his reaction.
Agree with this
SoupDragon · 06/03/2022 03:26

Your reaction is ridiculous given you were the one who cheated and ended the relationship. Why on earth shouldn't your friend go to a wedding she and her DH have been invited to? This ex clearly meant nothing to you.

If you were a woman posting that her DH said this about a friend going to his ex's wedding everyone would be saying it was a "red flag" and that he still had feelings for them.

NoNever · 06/03/2022 03:30

I’m not getting why anyone shouldn’t go to the wedding of someone you cheated on. I could see being upset if he had cheated on you, but you’re the wrong doer. Other people don’t have to tiptoe around to make you feel better about it.

1forAll74 · 06/03/2022 03:31

You have a strange mindset about this whole issue..

RantyAunty · 06/03/2022 03:32

This is the strangest thing.
Who cares what any of these people do? It's not your business at all.
Stop gossiping. It isn't a good look.

DeeCeeCherry · 06/03/2022 03:36

Apparently, it shouldn’t bother me at all that my friend was going along to a wedding with her husband. Apparently I shouldn’t have spoken to him about my feelings and if anything I should be trying to reassure him

Your H is right.

& you surely don't expect your friend to tell her husband that she's not going to the wedding with him because you won't like it?

You're making all this fuss because your ex is getting married; you've a nerve, considering you cheated on him. Seems you still have feelings for him and/or you're jealous.

As to other stuff you've said about the wedding - its nothing to do with you. Concentrate on your own life and marriage.

BacardiOnATuesday · 06/03/2022 03:39

Two things…

Your friends are going to enjoy a social occasion that you won’t be part of for obvious reasons. Are you concerned you may lose their friendship or that their attitude towards you may change after seeing your ex again? You are not part of this potentially new friendship circle.

Secondly, you are recognising your current husband doesn’t fully trust or respect you because of what happened. Double standards maybe but that’s the reality.

An ex getting married simply reinforces to you that you cheated. It’s a reminder of what happened. And it doesn’t make you feel good about yourself.

Alfixnm · 06/03/2022 03:43

The thing is, if you really didn't care about your ex, like if he was REALLY irrelevant in your life, you wouldn't have thought twice about his wedding or who was going to it.

If your best friend and her partner were invited to, say, her partner's distant second cousin's wedding, or something, would you be so invested in the whole thing and questioning her decision to go etc? No? Because it's not relevant to you.

Questioning this so heavily shows that you ARE emotionally invested in your ex. No wonder your DH is bothered about your reaction. I'd feel the same as him if my partner was acting like this about his ex's wedding.

Nestlyn · 06/03/2022 03:54

So you keep saying that you're not bothered, but you are bothered.

maddy68 · 06/03/2022 03:54

I have no idea why you are upset over this. Her husband is friends with him , she's his wife. So she gets invited too.

You're being unreasonable

CrabSnake · 06/03/2022 04:15

I don't understand the issue here. It's really not your business whose wedding your friend goes to. Your DH's reaction seems a bit over the top though if it really was just a passing comment (although the fact you've made a post about it shows it does bother you your friend is thinking of going). Do you talk about your ex a lot with your DH? Maybe he feels a bit second best if you give the impression that you're still not over your ex.

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