Ex getting married, just caused a row with DH

[Exgetshitched]

Name changed here as outing if you know me and the situation.

Was in a long term relationship, foolishly cheated on partner so ended the relationship. A year later I got into a relationship with the man I had the affair with. Years later, we’re married and have two children.

I haven’t seen my ex in years, but one of my friends boyfriends still see him regularly. Meaning my friend does as well.

My ex is getting married this year, which I have absolutely no issues with. My friend and her boyfriend are going, again no issues with this. Tonight another friends husband told me he had an evening invite to the wedding, I was a bit surprised as whilst they saw each other loads as a group when we were together they’ve seen each other twice in the last 8 years. After the initial surprise, I really am fine with it.

What did bother me though was his wife, my best friend, thinking about going. She started off saying, she didn’t like weddings and probably wasn’t going to go, to realising our other friend was going to be there and then basically making plans to go.

I still see my best friend frequently but she will not go on nights out anymore as she doesn’t like drinking. So it bothered me a bit that she’s suddenly up for this wedding, which will involve heavy drinking.

I just tried to speak to my DH about how that made me feel and he just lost it at me.

Apparently, it shouldn’t bother me at all that my friend was going along to a wedding with her husband. Apparently I shouldn’t have spoken to him about my feelings and if anything I should be trying to reassure him.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t see it from the angle that she’s going to support her husband. I’m not convinced that is why she’s going. I also am genuinely not bothered this he is getting married, otherwise I wouldn’t have been mentioning anything would I?

I don’t know how to handle this with my dh now, especially as he announced he has never gotten over the fact I cheated. Surely, I don’t still deserve to be punished for that all these years later?!

So what if they've not stayed in touch? Grow up, it's nothing to do with you. She doesn't have to justify herself.
Your husband feeling insecure when you cheated with him is ridiculous. What did he expect? You both clearly aren't over your shitty origin story.

I read it as OP is jealous that her friend is going for a boozy night out at ex’s wedding do but won’t go down the pub with her as friend doesn’t want to drink. And because another friend and boyfriend are going, she’s getting a bit of awkward FOMO.

So yes it’s weird that friend won’t go to the pub with you (unless you’re really embarrassing) but you clearly do other stuff together as that’s when her boyfriend said they were going to ex’s wedding.

One of the things my ex husband and I said to our friends and family when we split because of his affair, was that our marital problems were ours, not theirs, and we didn't want them to take sides. Sometimes it hurt when they told me they were meeting up, but I figured that was my problem, not theirs. Friends are in a difficult position in these circumstances, and sometimes might make a decision you aren't happy with. My second husband's best friends came to our wedding, even though the wife was sister to my husband's ex wife. They thought that since I met my husband after his marriage break up, there was no reason not to go.
I'd have more problems with the hypocrisy of your husband who had an affair with you and now is obviously thinking that if you did it to your ex, you might do it to him!

You cheated with your now husband, and you expect him to fully trust you? I mean honestly I think he's an idiot to have married you, he knew what you were like, but since you were capable of doing it once, it does mean you are capable again. Someone who wouldn't cheat wouldn't do it even once.

And you've made a thread about how this has bothered you. Whether you want to face that fact or not, you are clearly more bothered than you're accepting. Guess you're annoyed that you think your friend has sided with your ex and that she should be standing by you only. But, realistically, what does she have to stand by you for? You hurt him. Not the other way around. Could understand if he cheated, but he didn't, you did. You have zero reason to be upset, so it's either just that or you do still have feelings for him deep down.

Either way, you are unreasonable. Get over it basically. It's got nothing to do with you.

@Livandme

Is this just fomo?

I think so. The upset OP feels I think is to do with missing going out with her best friend - so best friend going on a big night out that OP cannot go on is jarring.

But OP - the wedding evening party may be a big drinking event but it's still has a different feel to a run of the mill night out. It's a party, a celebration - we have missed so much of this on the last couple of years you shouldn't begrudge your friend.

Re your DH, I think he has misinterpreted why you care and you were a bit foolish to not be more careful about talking to him re this.

He has also needs to try to resolve his feelings of re the cheating and circumstances arising at the start of your relationship. I do get his perspective, he's a bit tawdry and probably takes away some of the romance of looking back at when you first met. But assuming he knew you were in another relationship he needs to own his part in that and not square all the blame and shame at you.

but since you were capable of doing it once, it does mean you are capable again. Someone who wouldn't cheat wouldn't do it even once

Look, some people do things because of who they are, some people do things in context-specific situations that they would not otherwise do.
It is not true that OP will cheat again, and we really need to get over this punishing culture of you are either a good guy or a bad guy. Jeez, Disney has a lot to answer for!

However, as per my previous posts, how they got together does seem to mean her H does not 100% trust her; how they deal with that as a couple is up to them.

OP does not deserve the mudslinging she is getting here for what she has said is something that happened years ago, when she was young with a boyfriend, not a husband. People make mistakes, they move on.

Its not great to promote a culture of extreme unforgiving and eternal condemnation as a virtue, as some on mumsnet seem to do (around infidelity anyway). That's really not a moral highground.

I agree with @zeldaonadreamcloud

Bit simplistic to say that if you've done it once you'll do it again or that if you haven't done it yet, you won't.

people evolve and change and live to regret things, the things they've done and the things they haven't done. Perspectives change. People value different things at different stages, learn to deal with fomo better! or maybe they throw caution to the wind because they always put themselves last and have had 50 years of doing that.

I'm unsure what the issue is.
YOU cheated, YOU married your affair partner
Your friends, partners/husbands of your friends accepted a wedding invite.
Get over yourself.
You don't get to do the dirty and then get upset and dictate who other people should see and what events they go to.
Maybe your friend maybe does still drink and go out and enjoy herself; she just doesn't want to with you.
Sounds like you have an issue with your ex getting married

You’re daughter sounds not very nice at all.

@zeldaonadreamcloud

but since you were capable of doing it once, it does mean you are capable again. Someone who wouldn't cheat wouldn't do it even once

Look, some people do things because of who they are, some people do things in context-specific situations that they would not otherwise do.
It is not true that OP will cheat again, and we really need to get over this punishing culture of you are either a good guy or a bad guy. Jeez, Disney has a lot to answer for!

However, as per my previous posts, how they got together does seem to mean her H does not 100% trust her; how they deal with that as a couple is up to them.

OP does not deserve the mudslinging she is getting here for what she has said is something that happened years ago, when she was young with a boyfriend, not a husband. People make mistakes, they move on.

Its not great to promote a culture of extreme unforgiving and eternal condemnation as a virtue, as some on mumsnet seem to do (around infidelity anyway). That's really not a moral highground.

Well said.

@Whatsonmymindgrapes

You’re daughter sounds not very nice at all.

Whose sister?

I feel like I missed something.

Sorry wrong thread!!!

@zeldaonadreamcloud

but since you were capable of doing it once, it does mean you are capable again. Someone who wouldn't cheat wouldn't do it even once

Look, some people do things because of who they are, some people do things in context-specific situations that they would not otherwise do.
It is not true that OP will cheat again, and we really need to get over this punishing culture of you are either a good guy or a bad guy. Jeez, Disney has a lot to answer for!

However, as per my previous posts, how they got together does seem to mean her H does not 100% trust her; how they deal with that as a couple is up to them.

OP does not deserve the mudslinging she is getting here for what she has said is something that happened years ago, when she was young with a boyfriend, not a husband. People make mistakes, they move on.

Its not great to promote a culture of extreme unforgiving and eternal condemnation as a virtue, as some on mumsnet seem to do (around infidelity anyway). That's really not a moral highground.

I didn't say she will do it again, I said she is capable, and she is. It takes a certain type of person to go from 'I love you' one day to shagging another person the next, then still saying I love you to the first person. She may not ever do it again, but she has proven before that trust means nothing, why wouldn't that happen again? Wouldn't be shocked if it did.

But that is her husbands mistake, he shouldn't have married her if he didn't trust her. I wouldn't marry someone I knew had cheated, even if it wasn't cheating on me. There's other people out there that haven't done that, and I wouldn't fully trust someone who cheated. That's just being honest and there would be no point to a relationship, it wouldn't work.

Could the FOMO be linked to realising that the majority of your shared friends are still a close group of friends 8+ years on, however due to the way you and your ex split up/way you and your DH got together, there will be group events you aren't welcome at. There may also be other events (weddings, christening parties, significant birthday parties etc) where mutual friends will have to stop to think, do they invite you and your dh or your exP and his DW. But thats a risk you run with messy break ups, and it's great friends have managed to tread the fine line of staying close to you both.

@Bellyups

I really don’t see why you care of your best friend is going or not.

Agreed

It takes a certain type of person to go from 'I love you' one day to shagging another person the next, then still saying I love you to the first person

You've made that up, of course. You have no idea what the state of OPs relationship was when she cheated or why she cheated.

It takes a certain type of person to go from 'I love you' one day to shagging another person the next, then still saying I love you to the first person.

I'm not defending it, but lots of cheaters do love their spouses. That absolutely doesn't make it right, but this is a very one dimensional understanding of human nature and relationships.

She may not ever do it again, but she has proven before that trust means nothing, why wouldn't that happen again?

Well, at one point she'd never done it at all. Until she did. And how young was she?

If you're going to condemn people for bad choices forever and say they can never try again, cheaters might as well just go on philandering because they've nothing to regain and are already permanently damned. I agree with PP that it isn't a virtuous position to hold.

@zeldaonadreamcloud

It takes a certain type of person to go from 'I love you' one day to shagging another person the next, then still saying I love you to the first person

You've made that up, of course. You have no idea what the state of OPs relationship was when she cheated or why she cheated.

Well she said foolishly cheated, so she likely regretted it and just thought she could get away with it. No mention of any bad behaviour or anything, not that that gives her a reason to do it.

@DrSbaitso

It takes a certain type of person to go from 'I love you' one day to shagging another person the next, then still saying I love you to the first person.

I'm not defending it, but lots of cheaters do love their spouses. That absolutely doesn't make it right, but this is a very one dimensional understanding of human nature and relationships.

She may not ever do it again, but she has proven before that trust means nothing, why wouldn't that happen again?

Well, at one point she'd never done it at all. Until she did. And how young was she?

If you're going to condemn people for bad choices forever and say they can never try again, cheaters might as well just go on philandering because they've nothing to regain and are already permanently damned. I agree with PP that it isn't a virtuous position to hold.

Not saying they can't try again, as op proves some people will still have relationships with people who cheat. Although that doesn't always mean they fully trust them, as also proven by op.

You may be able to trust a person who has cheated previously, I don't know. I'm just saying I can't, I wouldn't be able to trust them in a relationship. That limits people for me to be in a relationship with (although it doesn't matter as I have a partner anyway), but I don't care. I know I couldn't trust someone that cheated before and that's my feelings on it. Perhaps her husband is now feeling the same way, although he really should have figured that out sooner.

Believe me, I'm not the only one who feels this way. Many people do feel this way, mainly because they've been cheated on before. People get judged on all sorts of things. Why should past actions be any different?

Believe me, I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Yes, I know. I use Mumsnet.

Honestly, I think everyone has the potential to cheat, if the circumstances are right.
Some people go through difficult periods, are messed up emotionally and therefore self sabotage and ruin a good relationship. Some people do it once and are desperately sorry, others are serial cheaters. They aren't all likely to behave the same way for the rest of their lives. People do grow up and change.

I'd be very surprised if the OPs dh hadn't known she was in a relationship when they initially got together. But I'm presuming he knew when he married her and therefore it's wrong to hold against her something she did to someone else and that he was seemingly okay with.

I’ve just come on here and seen this thread is still getting replies today. Wasn’t expecting that at all.

I woke up this morning and reflected on last night. Reading my posts back I can see they were a mix of emotions because of the argument with DH and tiredness. I was trying to justify my feelings and was making up excuses, even to myself, to justify feelings I didn’t actually have because I kept being told I was obviously more bothered than I was telling myself.

I know I shouldn’t but I look to other people to help me understand and articulate what I am feeling sometimes as I struggle to understand the reasons behind what I am feeling.

I also know I’m not owed any justification of what my friend chooses to do and I think her and her husband letting me know was actually the act of true friends, rather than hiding something from me when they’d normally tell me most things. I was taken back initially, because it was so out of the blue, I mean they weren’t invited to the previous dates rescheduled due to covid, but this quickly passed and I don’t have any issues with her going.

Upon reflection my feeling of unease stemmed from the whispering conversation I overheard where they were all discussing it and making arrangements. It was just awkward and I didn’t know what to do with myself in my own home. This might get called selfish and so be it but I feel that conversation would have been better had at another time.

I can see why people have said I shouldn’t have discussed it with my DH once everyone left. I wasn’t bothered by the wedding at all, I just had a slight uneasy feeling about one friend and the situation so it didn’t occur to me that I shouldn’t be talking about what I was feeling. I definitely should have taken the time to work out the reason behind my feelings before I raised it though, but I was also trying to make sure he was okay with the situation.

We’ve spoken this morning, I’ve explained the above and he now understands where I was coming from. He has explained his position as well, it’s not that he doesn’t trust me, he just thought I was bothered about the wedding and reacted to that. He hadn’t overheard the conversation I had.

I don’t feel this is relevant at this point but just to clear it up as I’m being accused of hiding it, yes my DH knew I was in a relationship when we cheated.

People make such inaccurate assumptions about others on here, someone has written that I was going between the two of them saying I love you and what a horrible person that makes me. That’s not what happened at all! It wasn’t going on for an extended period of time, it was a matter of days before I did the right thing. I wasn’t having sex with two people at the same time, I wasn’t telling either person I loved him. Not justifying what I did here, I’m just trying to explain that I’m not the serial cheat that I’m being made out to be.

I’m going to hide this thread now, I don’t feel it’s going to be constructive to keep reading the replies I have been getting. Thank you to those who have taken the time to give constructive responses.

I’ve just caught up with this, OP and you’ve been given a right pasting. Hope you’re ok x

Thanks for coming back, OP. I still don't understand what you're upset about or why your husband had a go at you.

@DrSbaitso

Thanks for coming back, OP. I still don't understand what you're upset about or why your husband had a go at you.

I think she felt betrayed that her friends are still friends with her ex - more so than she thought they were - and was jealous of their relationship being discussed in her presence and disrespected by it being discussed in her home.

Her DH probably doesn't want to discuss the ex she was with when they were together, and felt that OP was upset he was getting married.