Ex getting married, just caused a row with DH

[Exgetshitched]

Name changed here as outing if you know me and the situation.

Was in a long term relationship, foolishly cheated on partner so ended the relationship. A year later I got into a relationship with the man I had the affair with. Years later, we’re married and have two children.

I haven’t seen my ex in years, but one of my friends boyfriends still see him regularly. Meaning my friend does as well.

My ex is getting married this year, which I have absolutely no issues with. My friend and her boyfriend are going, again no issues with this. Tonight another friends husband told me he had an evening invite to the wedding, I was a bit surprised as whilst they saw each other loads as a group when we were together they’ve seen each other twice in the last 8 years. After the initial surprise, I really am fine with it.

What did bother me though was his wife, my best friend, thinking about going. She started off saying, she didn’t like weddings and probably wasn’t going to go, to realising our other friend was going to be there and then basically making plans to go.

I still see my best friend frequently but she will not go on nights out anymore as she doesn’t like drinking. So it bothered me a bit that she’s suddenly up for this wedding, which will involve heavy drinking.

I just tried to speak to my DH about how that made me feel and he just lost it at me.

Apparently, it shouldn’t bother me at all that my friend was going along to a wedding with her husband. Apparently I shouldn’t have spoken to him about my feelings and if anything I should be trying to reassure him.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t see it from the angle that she’s going to support her husband. I’m not convinced that is why she’s going. I also am genuinely not bothered this he is getting married, otherwise I wouldn’t have been mentioning anything would I?

I don’t know how to handle this with my dh now, especially as he announced he has never gotten over the fact I cheated. Surely, I don’t still deserve to be punished for that all these years later?!

The fact you cheated on your ex with your now DH wouldn't bother me in itself. My DH cheated on his gf with me and it's a non-issue. He never talks about her though and I feel secure in our relationship. It sounds like your DH does not feel very secure so maybe you need to work on that?

You are clearly more bothered about this than you are making out.

Your dh is a dick from bringing up your cheating, when it was him you cheated with. Unless of course he had no idea that you were in a relationship when it started, which is why you didn't get together until a while after you left?

So your friends husbands has been invited to the wedding of someone he knows, but doesn't have lots of contact with. That's fairly normal. His wife is attending a wedding of her husbands, kind of, friend. Again entirely normal.

You broke up years ago. Absolutely no reason she should boycott the wedding on the basis of she barely knows him anymore. People go to weddings of people they don't really know as the plus one of their partner (who does know the bride or groom) all the time.

If its the fact that they will be at the wedding and you have FOMO, you need to get over yourself. You can't be involved in everything. Certainly, not when its the wedding of an ex you cheated on.

If I were in your husbands position and dp came and told me he was unhappy with this situation, I would also think there's more to it and why was he bothered.

You have made this into a bigger deal and he is wondering why. You cheated and moved on. Your ex is moving on a lucing his own life, you know some people in common. That's just how it is and its not a big deal.

Also, if you want to see more of this friend, why not organise things that don't involve getting drunk?

Yabu. And you sound jealous..

I think people are being really harsh. It’s only human to have reactions about things. You’re not a robot! Your friend raised it. If it was a non issue then she wouldn’t have said anything. She obviously feels awkward about it. I wonder if your marriage isn’t 100% solid and that’s why you feel strange about it? I also think it’s perfectly normal to feel nostalgic or strange when an ex gets married. If mumsnet had its way nobody would ever have any right to any feelings about anything ever! Of course it’s going to stir up feelings. You’re not dead. If my best mate was going to my exes wedding who she hasn’t seen in almost a decade I’d feel a bit “WTF” too. It’s a bit strange to invite your best mate to his wedding.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t see it from the angle that she’s going to support her husband. I’m not convinced that is why she’s going

Why do you think she is going?

@needingpeace expect that's not the situation.

The friends husband mentioned it in passing. The friend didn't bring it up.

The friends husband knows the ex and has been invited. His wife is his plus one.

The ex didn't invite his exs best friend. He invited his friend and his friends wife.

Op claims she doesn't feel strange about him getting married. Only that the friend is going and says its problem because she is just missing out.

bothered me a bit that she’s suddenly up for this wedding, which will involve heavy drinking

^ presumably your friend is capable of having a fun night despite not drinking alcohol and is looking forward to spending it with her husband?

I really don't get your feelings on this at all. It's normal to want to go to a wedding party with your spouse, to dance together and catch up with mutual friends etc.

I agree with your husband you should not have even mentioned this.

It really is not ok for your husband to be holding the affair against you. You made a mistake and ended both relationships and got yourself together. Your seemingly had no issue with dating and subsequently marrying you. He should not have done this if he wanted to be able to throw this past infidelity in his face. You have nothing to reassure him for.

As for your friend, she doesn’t get out much and wants to go to the wedding for her personal reasons. Please don’t make a scene.

…she doesn’t like drinking. So it bothered me a bit that she’s suddenly up for this wedding.

The friend who has continued to see him, I have no issues that she’s going to the wedding, and even the brides hen do.

I simply asked my husband, what did you make of the wedding situation as it didn’t sit quite right with me that friend was going.

They told us they’d been invited. I said that’s a bit random as they haven’t kept in touch.

OP, your statements show your sense of ownership over your friends’ and your Ex’s business. You are not entitled to approve/disapprove their decisions. It’s understandable that your H is questioning your over-investment in Ex’s guest list and those attending.

You only have agency over your choices, not theirs.

I think deep down you must be bothered OP other wise you wouldn't mind your friend going to the wedding. It's upto her... its a one off. Just let it go

Your friends are going to enjoy a social occasion that you won’t be part of for obvious reasons. Are you concerned you may lose their friendship or that their attitude towards you may change after seeing your ex again? You are not part of this potentially new friendship circle.

This is what it sounds like to me too? Are you worried your old friendship group will reform, and you’ll be left out, OP?

And of course, if that does occur, it reminds you of the reason why you are excluded, which is your cheating, which perhaps still haunts you, either because you feel guilty, or because it’s a cause of tension in your marriage perhaps?

Is the cheating an issue between you and your DH? Did he not know at the time? Was your ex a friend of his?

Your friend’s husband explained that they’d socially kept in toxin and been on a stag do together. Your friend’s husband is invited, not your friend. Your friend is attending the evening do of a wedding to an acquittance of her husband. The acquittance just happens to be your ex. If your friend was going to the evening do of one of her husband’s colleagues, old school friends or distant cousin would you still be upset? If the answer is yes, then clearly your issue is your friend having fun without you and you thinking she should be up for more ‘fun’ things like going to the pub with you. If you wouldn’t be bothered by her attending those events, then the issue is that it’s clearly your ex and obviously not as OK with it as you claim to be.

@WeDontShutUpAboutBruno

You are entirely in the wrong.

There's no reason your friend shouldn't go, and discussing it with your dh was never going to go well. You sound jealous, which is weird since you were the one who cheated.

This. You do sound jealous , and you cheated with a man who was married to your ''Best friend''?

What a tired, hackneyed old depressing cliché.

Deffo being you are being V ,V unreasonable.

Look, your ex wanted to invite your friend's DH - so he couldn't not invite her. And she will think well why shouldn't I go to a wedding with my husband.

Right underneath all this is:

Your ex was humiliated in front of all your joint friends by your cheating.

Now he's got something to be happy about and maybe a little bit of him is inviting your best friend so she can see him happy now and restore his self-esteem, and to show you that you're totally out of the circle for what you did.

He's invited her so you feel like your close friends support him not you.

That's what's under all this.

And your husband is like wtaf, why do you care? 😥

You don't care about the ex, or the couple going to a wedding together. You care at your ally going to celebrate your wronged ex's happiness without you.

And the drinking thing - yes, despite the fact that she doesn't like staying up late and drinking, she wants to go anyway, to enjoy being next to her husband and being nice to your ex.

Going to the wedding is showing support for him. Which is, by extension, saying you were a cow to cheat on him.

I feel so sorry for your husband. He's right. You really shouldn't make any fuss and you should reassure him.

You've avoided every question about why is your husband upset about your lying and cheating when it was him you cheated with. ? You didn't betray your husband - did you?

Did your husband know at the time that you were in a relationship with someone else when you were seeing him?

It doesn't sound like he knew you were cheating with him at that time.

Then you didn't see either man for a year then started dating him again.

I can see why your DH is annoyed that you are making your friend's attendance at your ex's wedding about you. I have no idea why you brought up irritation that your friend's were attending an ex's wedding. It is absolutely zero of your business how often who sees who or how close they are or aren't.

You have absolutely no control over what events other people go to. You clearly are bothered that he is getting married otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned you're not twice.

You all sound really immature.

Why do you care if your friend goes?
You cheated with your husband- why is he angry with you? Surely he knew you were in a relationship? It takes two to tango.

Why on earth would you care about a friend going to a wedding?

OP, I have written a less harsh response than my first.

Who knows why your friend was invited, perhaps she and her partner see your ex more often than she lets on but simply doesn't tell you or bring it up around you because she thinks it will be awkward (and she would be right, given your response to this, so she apparently knows you quite well to keep any regular friendships/meetups with your ex to herself). That's my guess; her and her partner are closer to your ex than they let on to you.

Regardless, you may think it's 'odd' and be a bit 'bothered' by it but I really don't understand why. Ex is nothing to you so why do you care who he meets up with or invites to his wedding?

And if your reason is because you and your friend are joined at the hip and you can't stand the thought of her socialising without you, I really think you have arrested development and need to grow up a bit. We don't socialise with our friends all the time, every where. Each of us is an individual, you don't need to be invited to every single thing your friend is. You sound very co-dependent on her and resenting that she has a life outside of you.

As to your husband, well, you haven't answered if he was aware of your cheating. If not, he probably still feels 'dirty', like he was doing wrong to another man, and you bringing up your ex's wedding may make him feel like you still aren't over the ex. If I were your husband I would be wondering why it bothers you at all even enough to bring it up, and I would find it suspicious. Also if you are 'protesting too much' in a bid to put your DH at ease and make him secure, and doing this regularly, it may be just like that to him; that you are protesting too much and he is wondering why you go on about it so much and remind him all the time. After all, would you feel comfortable if you hypothetically found out that your husband cheated with you on his ex-girlfriend and brings it up regularly or goes out of his way to make you feel 'more secure', as if he is trying to hard and protesting too much? You see what I mean?

My only contribution to this thread (as many pp's have already stated the obvious to you), is that both my husand and I only have one or two alcoholic drinks in any one evening, as neither of us likes the feeling of being out of control, or having a hangover the next day. This is our personal choice and we have no problem with others drinking, as long as they are not driving etc.

I just wanted to let you know that it wouldn't matter what sort of situation we were in, no-one could bully us, or successfully encourage us, to drink any more than that. If someone continued to hassle us we would either tell them where to go - if that was unfortunately the only type of language they understood - or we would just turn our backs on them, and walk away. Presumably your best friend is a NT adult, and therefore is capable of making her own decisions, and sticking to them?

If you don't care about the wedding I don't get why you are so bothered who goes. They didn't even have to tell you. You need to get over it.

As for the drinking, OP I think an occasional wedding, that is a big thing, is different to regular meetups with you in a pub. It's a once-off thing, so isn't really comparable. And perhaps her partner really wants to go, so that is why she is going and ignoring the heavy drinking this once, as it is a wedding.

You cheated on him. Your now married to the man you cheated with.
Wtf is your problem you can't have your cake and eat it - I'd be livid if I was your DH too!

If you have moved on it shouldn't be an issue who attends the wedding. It's nothing to do with you.

I would be unhappy with dh throwing cheating in your face. He chose to be with you and you have made a go of it. That needs to be in the past do you feel he doesn't fully trust you. ?

@Exgetshitched

Wow some of you are harsh!! Once a cheat, always a cheat ay?

I wasn’t married to my ex, we met at a very young age and was still relatively young when this all happened. Some stuff happened in my life and basically I self sabotaged. This is the one and only time I have ever cheated. I knew I did wrong so I ended the relationship.

I didn’t intend to make a huge drama out of anything. I simple asked my husband, what did you make of the wedding situation as it didn’t sit quite right with me that friend was going. He then started having a go at me.

You weren't married to your ex when you cheated on him but he was your partner. Did your now DH know you were with someone when you had the affair with him? If he did, he's got no reason to complain as he was complicit in your cheating, but if he didn't, then I can see why he had a go at you.