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Original poster

Ex getting married, just caused a row with DH

252 replies

Exgetshitched · 05/03/2022 23:24

Name changed here as outing if you know me and the situation.

Was in a long term relationship, foolishly cheated on partner so ended the relationship. A year later I got into a relationship with the man I had the affair with. Years later, we’re married and have two children.

I haven’t seen my ex in years, but one of my friends boyfriends still see him regularly. Meaning my friend does as well.

My ex is getting married this year, which I have absolutely no issues with. My friend and her boyfriend are going, again no issues with this. Tonight another friends husband told me he had an evening invite to the wedding, I was a bit surprised as whilst they saw each other loads as a group when we were together they’ve seen each other twice in the last 8 years. After the initial surprise, I really am fine with it.

What did bother me though was his wife, my best friend, thinking about going. She started off saying, she didn’t like weddings and probably wasn’t going to go, to realising our other friend was going to be there and then basically making plans to go.

I still see my best friend frequently but she will not go on nights out anymore as she doesn’t like drinking. So it bothered me a bit that she’s suddenly up for this wedding, which will involve heavy drinking.

I just tried to speak to my DH about how that made me feel and he just lost it at me.

Apparently, it shouldn’t bother me at all that my friend was going along to a wedding with her husband. Apparently I shouldn’t have spoken to him about my feelings and if anything I should be trying to reassure him.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t see it from the angle that she’s going to support her husband. I’m not convinced that is why she’s going. I also am genuinely not bothered this he is getting married, otherwise I wouldn’t have been mentioning anything would I?

I don’t know how to handle this with my dh now, especially as he announced he has never gotten over the fact I cheated. Surely, I don’t still deserve to be punished for that all these years later?!

OP posts:
MrMrsJones · 06/03/2022 07:53

*your friends or not

Shesmyperson · 06/03/2022 07:54

But even then, why the issue with their mutual friend going? Especially when she'll be going with her own husband? And if OP hasn't seen the ex in years, how does she know how much contact he has with other people?

There's something huge here that OP isn't telling us. Until we know what it is, this is all useless.

Not sure what you point is because I agree. I wasn't commenting on that part.

Simply, adding a possible reason that the dh would have brought up her cheating again now 'years later'.

He is probably thinking the same ie 'why are you bothered in the slightest?'

There's definitely something op isn't sharing.

TolkiensFallow · 06/03/2022 07:54

I wouldn’t give this a second thought OP

TrooBloo · 06/03/2022 07:55

You don’t own your friend.

MayBMaybenot · 06/03/2022 07:57

YABU .... your friend can go and do as she pleases as can her DH, who is a friend of the guy getting married. They are meeting other friends at the event. So what!! This has nothing to do with you.

The thing that stood out for me is that your DH has said he’s never got over the fact that you cheated in the other relationship, and you should be trying to reassure him ..... but you cheated with him!!! Confused .... Does he have trust issues with you or think that if you cheated when you were with the other guy, you might do so again now you are in a relationship with him?

To me, this is the issue you need to sort out. The wedding party issue, and your reaction to it, is just feeding his insecurities.

Luredbyapomegranate · 06/03/2022 08:03

I don’t understand why you are bothered.

It’s none of your business if you friend goes to this guys wedding. It’s none of your business how often she and her husband see him. Whether she drinks or not has nothing to do with it - lots of people who don’t drink much still go to weddings.

Clearly something is bothering you about your ex, but that’s about you, not your partner or friend. Sort yourself out.

Loopytiles · 06/03/2022 08:04

Your comment to your friends that it seemed ‘odd’ they’d received an evening invite to the wedding was rude. The ‘status of your ex’s / friends’ friendships is none of your business!

Understandable your H was irritated with that, and with what you said afterwards.

He’s U, however, to criticise you over your past cheating many years later and suggest this means you’re not trustworthy. Especially when he was an active party so hardly blameless, and later chose to date then marry you! Hypocritical.

ittakes2 · 06/03/2022 08:08

I really think you are over thinking this. It doesn’t matter if she has never met him - her hubby is invited and likely he wants her to go as his partner which is very common at weddings.

Notmyyearthisyear · 06/03/2022 08:09

@needingpeace thank you for your post!
Whilst I don’t disagree with most of the comments, a lot of them are really coming across as holier than thou…

Loopytiles · 06/03/2022 08:09

As for being pissed off with your friend for not joining ‘us’ (you’ve not said who ‘us’ is) at the pub, that’s a separate matter.

She’s indicated she’d prefer not to join boozy pub nights. That has nothing to do with the wedding.

If she sometimes suggests other things to do with you alone/couples or groups, perhaps she now has different preferences on what to do and / or who with. It she’s avoiding you in general, different problem.

lunar1 · 06/03/2022 08:13

You sound very controlling over the people around you. It doesn't matter why any of the people involved want to do these things, it's literally none of your business.

Donutsforbreakfast · 06/03/2022 08:14

Maybe the OPs husband didn't know she was cheating with him at the time. Maybe she had told him she was single and he hadn't realised he was the OM. Maybe when he found out he wasn't comfortable with it and ended things. The OP said it was a year after their affair that they got together. So even though they went on to marry, maybe he has never felt quite right with the knowledge that she is a cheat, and that niggle has flared up with the OPs over investment in her exes wedding.

Lurking9to5 · 06/03/2022 08:14

I think I would also feel a bit upset and perhaps a bit let down that so many close friends are all heading off to your X's wedding but as you've discovered, others will not believe that you have a reasonable justification to be upset. That doesn't always make the feelings go away though. So I would check out of the conversations with your friends for a while. Don't engage with them again until the wedding talk is over.

Not sure what to think of your now husband judging you for having had an affair with him though Confused That's tricky. He thinks less of you for having an affair with HIM?

DrSbaitso · 06/03/2022 08:15

I think I would also feel a bit upset and perhaps a bit let down that so many close friends are all heading off to your X's wedding

Why?

Bananarama21 · 06/03/2022 08:16

Honestly you sound salty your ex has moved on and getting married, your friends might have not found your behaviour acceptable when you cheated and are still on good terms with your ex. Good for them. I suspect your dh knows what your capable of it you can cheat on a long term partner with him, your relationship was build on deceit.

Lurking9to5 · 06/03/2022 08:22

Perhaps your H felt a bit threatened that you still cared about your x's wedding, like it's a sensitive issue to you. That makes it a sensitive issue to him. I would not mention it again and just act like you don't care.

With regard to your H making out that anything you mention is something you feel very strongly about, rather than just communicating openly about it, I think you need to reframe the narrative as you go forward.

Say things like, i want to talk about something, it's not upsetting me ''a lot'' but I just want to discuss it openly for a couple of minutes so I can put it behind me forever, ok''.

And then, when referring to the affair, be sure to say our affair. OUR affair. the affair WE had.

I think your H sounds threatened by normal communication, the normal airing of any uncomfortable emotion. You're doing what's healthy imo. You're saying x makes me feel y. But he attributes MORE to that than you intended. That makes it harder for you to bring in up anything you feel.

He sounds hard to communicate with.

Migrainesbythedozen · 06/03/2022 08:22

@Loopytiles

Your comment to your friends that it seemed ‘odd’ they’d received an evening invite to the wedding was rude. The ‘status of your ex’s / friends’ friendships is none of your business!

Understandable your H was irritated with that, and with what you said afterwards.

He’s U, however, to criticise you over your past cheating many years later and suggest this means you’re not trustworthy. Especially when he was an active party so hardly blameless, and later chose to date then marry you! Hypocritical.

@Loopytiles Some of us are getting the impression her current husband had no idea she was cheating with him and he was the Other Man. OP herself refuses to clarify this, which makes it likely that her husband didn't know she was cheating with him on her ex. If so, her husband is as much a victim of her cheating as her ex.
Lurking9to5 · 06/03/2022 08:24

@DrSbaitso

I think I would also feel a bit upset and perhaps a bit let down that so many close friends are all heading off to your X's wedding

Why?

I haven't been in this situation but the OP feels what she feels and I know that not every feeling I've ever had would be considered ''reasonable''. Sometimes I have no right to be upset and yet still I am. Not that often now I'm older thankfully but the point is the OP who started the thread, she's upset.
Loopytiles · 06/03/2022 08:28

Even if OP’s now H WAS an unknowing/innocent party in the cheating, when he found out he had choices about whether or not to date her, continue to date her, marry and have DC with her. It’s unfair - at best! - to ‘hold it over’ her many years later.

Aesop12 · 06/03/2022 08:28

Grow up and think of your children.

I hope they haven’t overheard/picked up on an atmosphere with you and your husband.

PinchOfVom · 06/03/2022 08:29

OP.....

You have SEVERE FOMO

girlmom21 · 06/03/2022 08:32

Did your husband know you were in a relationship when you got together?

I don't think you should be bothered by them attending the wedding at all.

Thatsplentyjack · 06/03/2022 08:33

@TracyMosby

I don’t know how to handle this with my dh now, especially as he announced he has never gotten over the fact I cheated. Surely, I don’t still deserve to be punished for that all these years later?! Isnt your dh the person you cheated with? If ive not read that wrong, how dare he take that view!
Maybe he didn't know the OP was in a relationship when he was sleeping with her.

No idea why you're annoyed OP. Your friend can go to any night out she likes. Just because there's alcohol there doesn't mean she will be drinking Confused. Also YOUR the one that cheated on the man so why can't your friends keep in touch with him? Doesn't sound like he wronged you in any way.

EllaPaella · 06/03/2022 08:34

Oh dear... you are basically a bit jealous of your best friend having a nice night out with a different friend?

R0tational · 06/03/2022 08:34

The only weird thing about this situation is your DH making this about him! What is he even upset about??

And I am sure it might sting a friend is going but you know that's just an irrational feeling that will settle down.

Dont worry. Everything is ok.