Tick tock: the one where Geller discovers Polly is no longer a doormat

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

AKA Co-parenting: I do not think it means what you think it means

Here we go again my lovelies! Will this be the one where I finally get divorced?!

Previous thread here

I have clock news! Turns out, no one wants it. Quelle surprise. Could I sell it? No, sez I, it’s worth ha’penny tuppence on a good day. Plus, no time.

Ha ha.

I suggested, because I am a kind hearted soul and because it’s already in a box and I don’t know which one that they keep the clock face and I get rid of the mechanism and the case. That appears to be a reasonable compromise. Pass me an axe.

The reason for the clock conversation? My brother phoned. My mother has given away my grandfather’s WW1 medals to a museum. WTF?! We’re going to try and get them back. She can’t see what she’s done wrong.

Solicitors on the other side for the house purchase are useless. Estate agent spoke to them today. They are awaiting proof of ID and funds on account?! WTF. I lost my shit a bit. I’d just come back from having a filling so I sounded three gins down, which I’m sure added to the effect.

Oh, and I haven’t stopped laughing for the last hour. A friend has found Geller’s profile on a dating app. It contains such gems as ‘addressing climate change one word at a time in my career as a professional’ and goes on to claim he ‘always has time’

Given me the best laugh I’ve had since my solicitor said she’d call me just to be sure that I wanted to file for absolute once the finance order is made…

Anyway, buckle up loves. It’ll be a ride, as ever…glad you could join me.

Well, this didn't surprise me one bit. Geller cannot STAND the idea that you may actually be happier and have a better life without him. And that you do not appreciate how very busy and important he is!!

TBH, I really don't know how much you can do on your own about his verbal/texted diarrhea and his refusal to coparent cooperatively, though. You can ask nicely, you can ask 'not so nicely', but he will never hear it. The only voice he can hear is the one in his head telling him that he is totally 'put upon' and justified in expecting the world to cater to his whims. You can ask your solicitor if there is some legal way to limit his communiques to 'just the facts, ma'am' but I doubt there really is, unless he's using threats or obscenities.

Unfortunately I think he is going to be a case of 'what cannot be cured must be endured' and carefully picking your battles. My BFF had to do this with her exH. No matter what she asked of him he would refuse just because she had asked. She could have held out the Hope Diamond and said "Please take this" and he would have said 'NO!' rather than do anything she asked. So, she stopped asking for anything other than the most 'crucial' things regarding their son. Give medicine? Yes, he'd do that. But ask him to buy a $1.99 school notebook? No, just because she was the one who asked. Fair? Not at all, but she said it saved her from having high blood pressure.

She did say that as her DS got older and more able to voice his own needs it got easier. He would do things his DS asked for directly that would have been a loud and angry refusal if she had asked. Hopefully it will be the same for the Dollies.

Polly, he's a twat. I also have a twatty ex like that. The happier and more settled I am, the more he HATES it, and tries to get at me. I'm 6 years post-divorce and he still can't believe the temerity of me 😂🙄

Ignore, or get your lovely companion to check your messages once a day for anything urgent.

@Discodancinggiraffe

"I really appreciate you having the kids. Thanks for sorting out the cardigan. Thats one less thing for me to worry about. We really needed this time. We are having a great holiday so far. We had such a lovely time at a wine bar last night. We will be skiing all day tomorrow. I have a really poor signal here. But I will try and send you some pics. I hope your getting some real quality time with the girls. Thanks again."

That makes it sound as though he’s doing her a favour in having his children.

OP, I like the idea of either ignoring your phone until the evening or letting your OH filter the messages for you.

Oh the irony! Remember, when he went away with his PW and TOLD you not to contact him unless it was an absolute emergency.

Now the tables are turned, he’s calling you and sending endless messages. What. A. Twat.

Put your phone on aeroplane mode and ask Westly to skim read any text messages from Geller.

What. An. Arsehole.

If he told you in a text message not to contact him except in the direst of emergencies when he went away with PW, why not forward it back to him and say "Same applies during my week away"

@prettybird

If he told you in a text message not to contact him except in the direst of emergencies when he went away with PW, why not forward it back to him and say "Same applies during my week away"

Ooooh! Great idea!!!

How about 'dear god, do you ever stop talking? Do you actually understand that I, and everyone else on this planet is an entity in our own right and not an extension of yourself or an empty vessel for you to download whatever inane thought is passing through your head at any given moment? Why don't you just fuck off?'

Or maybe 'noted'

It's a toss up, really, I think

As for French supermarkets - toffee microwave popcorn!! It's like the stuff you used to get here with a slab of toffee in that melts. I assume it's not allowed over here anymore for some piffling reason to do with molten sugar in a microwave.

Totally worth it.

You could send him this, and say “Just call me Ginger…”

Ooooh… The fruit and coffee syrups. (You call the fruit ones Squash, in Australia we call it cordial.) There is a green plum one called “La Reine…” something. Sooooooo delicious and makes super-interesting cocktails.

What @Fraaahnces said re the messages,

@Fraaahnces

I think you need to fire off another warning shot. “Unless there is a GENUINE emergency with the girls, I do not want to hear from you. I am not your wife, your PA or your sounding board. While I am their mother, I much more than that too. I am also a separate human being. Your constant need for my time, attention and input is making me seriously question whether you are up to the task of having them at all.”

This is a good response, except I would leave out the stuff about you and him. Keep it solely about the arrangements for the children.

You need to call into question the current system EVERY TIME his demonstrates his complete inability to parent.

e.g. he texts/emails "they did blah blah blah, you blah blah blah blah blah, I can't blah blah blah blah blah blah"
You reply "If you are unable to effectively parent our children by yourself, we will need to reconsider the current arrangements. I am happy to have them all week and weekends, and for you to have them every other weekend. Of course the financial arrangements will be adjusted accordingly."

Whatever shite he texts/email you, reply with the same wording, something like the above - EVERY TIME. Have it ready to copy-and-paste over and over. Don't answer with anything else, beyond the absolute barest minimum to confirm things like handover times.
This is you grey-rocking him. Just don't engage with his moaning except to resend the same wording, every time. (Or perhaps a maximum of once a day).

This situation has gone on long enough - you are too nice, too reasonable, and generally too much of a decent human being. You need to get really firm with your boundaries. Just don't engage with him.

For face-to-face handovers, you turn your back and walk away with a cheery 'bye, see you on xday'. Turn and leave, even if he is in mid-sentence - it will feel horrendously rude at first, but keep doing it.

Wishing you well.

Polly, turn off the notifications from Gellers messages.

Then check them every other day.

Girls are safe and with their father. He can manage to take care of them for a week.

School also will keep and eye on them and your girls friends will report back to their parents if anything crazy happens.
So you’ll get notifications from them if it’s needed.

Utterly ignore him. Step back. Enjoy your holiday and the slopes and France.

Fuck Geller. He just wants to make you miserable. Don’t give him that.

Oh god.

I had a tantrum. On a blue run.

And then froze in fear. It took me 30 minutes to get down the last part of a green run.

Westley was amazing. I am exhausted and dreading tomorrow’s skiing.

Fuck the supermarket, I’m mainlining wine.

Oh Polly, it happens to the best of us. Tomorrow will be fine, stick to the simple runs, to get your confidence back. Glad Westley was supportive, all will be well, you've got this.

This will sound utterly sad (because it is ) but my favourite tea towels came from a French supermarket. That was years ago, and the dog has eaten one of them, and the other wore out, but I still mourn them slightly.

@StuckInPollyannaMode - I have followed your threads for ages, and you are utterly amazing!

De-lurking to say do not worry. This is the first time you have skied, I think? It's hard - but you will get there. You have the physical strength from your running and yoga. I assume you're not doing ski school in the mornings. So, if I were you, I'd stick to the green runs for the morning tomorrow. Get your confidence back. Then you can go back to a blue run in the afternoon. Do the same one a couple of times and you will feel better. Honest.

PS When I first went skiing, I spent my first afternoon repeatedly doing a nice green run. Was very proud of myself but on my last run in, when the snow had got a bit slushy, I hit a mogul and landed on my arse in a puddle. Icy water right up the back (inside) of my ski jacket. Suddenly less proud! (I should probably admit to being not at all sporty - surviving any run - even a green one felt amazing. Until the end.)

Westland sounds good as his namesake.
Skiing sounds scary.

Wesley

@alterego2 thank you, that helps. Even the icy water! Yesterday we were skiing together (he’s bloody brilliant at it, obviously) and today I start 5 days of ski school each morning. I’ve been skiing before, but a very long time ago. Thank god for those snowdome sessions!

I’ve come to the realisation overnight that I should have stopped sooner. I was tired and pushed it too far. I also don’t need to ski down the entire mountain- I can go from lift to lift if I choose. We were doing the same route, but adding in higher sections - the bottom got all churned up by the afternoon and then it was game over. I just completely lost my nerve. Shame, as I was getting slowly better up to that point. I only fell over once all day. Not into a puddle, I may add.

Today is another day. And I’ll have the arse of a goddess if I don’t stop bloody snow ploughing.

Spoke to the Dollies last night at their instigation. They were happy and cheerful and giggly. No cardigans mentioned.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius oh! Linen! Good shout. And I’m just me. With a very sore arse right now.

Just remember "Benzeneez"

Have a wonderful time on the slopes today. Lovely that the Dollies called you. Gellar must be seething

Sorry Polly, hijacking a little, just a small (!!) amount to say thank you to my fellow vipers for their kind and gentle support x

We all know G is an idiot. However, I really think it is time for you to up the ante when it comes boundaries. It feels like you are still letting him get into your head because you allow yourself to be at the beck and call of his messages on his timetable and not yours.

In your shoes, I’d be deciding on a day, once a week, when I set aside half an hour to read and deal with any Geller Twitter you on text, message or email.

Only respond then, to anything that absolutely needs a response. Don’t give his nonsense about cardigans, spud mashers or the like any oxygen. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

If there is important Polly stuff or divorce process stuff that needs addressing, go for the impersonal, icily polite replies. Short, dispassionate and to the point. Repeat replies as and when needed!

I would not be asking Westly to read and screen Geller’s nonsense, this feels to me like expecting too much of him too soon, and putting pressure on him. Just try and enjoy each other without the G idiot coming between you!

Enjoy the wine x

Twattery, not Twitter!

My French is appalling, I apologise in advance. "Avez vous la Femme?" Are you having my wife? I actually meant Are you hungry? I apologise. I'm SO sorry. I wasn't much better at German either. I kind of get Latin though. Not much help is it? As for skiing. Never been, but my dad said to bury chocolate on the way up. But what if I get buried in an avalanche? How do I know which way is up? Spit.
Enjoy your break Polly. Not legs, obviously. Chins and chins girl.