Tick tock: the one where Geller discovers Polly is no longer a doormat

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

AKA Co-parenting: I do not think it means what you think it means

Here we go again my lovelies! Will this be the one where I finally get divorced?!

Previous thread here

I have clock news! Turns out, no one wants it. Quelle surprise. Could I sell it? No, sez I, it’s worth ha’penny tuppence on a good day. Plus, no time.

Ha ha.

I suggested, because I am a kind hearted soul and because it’s already in a box and I don’t know which one that they keep the clock face and I get rid of the mechanism and the case. That appears to be a reasonable compromise. Pass me an axe.

The reason for the clock conversation? My brother phoned. My mother has given away my grandfather’s WW1 medals to a museum. WTF?! We’re going to try and get them back. She can’t see what she’s done wrong.

Solicitors on the other side for the house purchase are useless. Estate agent spoke to them today. They are awaiting proof of ID and funds on account?! WTF. I lost my shit a bit. I’d just come back from having a filling so I sounded three gins down, which I’m sure added to the effect.

Oh, and I haven’t stopped laughing for the last hour. A friend has found Geller’s profile on a dating app. It contains such gems as ‘addressing climate change one word at a time in my career as a professional’ and goes on to claim he ‘always has time’

Given me the best laugh I’ve had since my solicitor said she’d call me just to be sure that I wanted to file for absolute once the finance order is made…

Anyway, buckle up loves. It’ll be a ride, as ever…glad you could join me.

@AcrossthePond55 nailed it.

Yep.

Well, as the money's been squirrelled away in his pension(s), it's going to be easier to find than had it gone into a hundred different places. Nice and easy now you're going to go for half of it, right?

Sniggering at Pig & Patio Service… Giving DH the side eye for wiggling all night and keeping me awake.

Pig 'N Patio Services....no job too small, no pig too big".

🤣🤣

Actually, "Pig or Dig" has a snappy sound to it .

Even better!!!

LOVE the Pig 'n' Dig idea

I've a hilarious Geller update for you once I've pulled myself together. Had DD1's appointment with the consultant this morning (who is absolutely lovely and I trust implicitly and has done more for her than anyone else) and I was expecting to be signed off, in spite of the ongoing issues she is so much better.

I was absolutely blindsided to get a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome.

I knew, I KNEW that she was thinking differently but it's taken so long to get to this point that I was incredibly shocked. Still am. She doesn't know, and won't for a while - I need to get my head round it all a bit.

It doesn't change anything, she's still my lovely girl. But it explains so much.

And it means Geller's been bullying an autistic child.

I'd think about his possible reactions before you tell him - if you haven't told her, he might, he might start making stupid noises about special schools for her or completely deny the possibility that the fruit of his loins could be anything other than NT. Or he could withdraw from her completely because 'I can't deal with SEND children' or demand that this is kept a secret.

Bless you Polly, I actually thought that was her working diagnosis from the things you've written over the years.

Perhaps the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree?

The good thing about having a diagnosis is that it gives you leverage and coping strategies. Now that you know, you can make subtle adaptations to your routines at home so that they minimise stress and flow better. Having a diagnosis will also help with school - your current school sounds great and supportive, but there's no guarantee that will continue in secondary.

There are also parenting courses specifically for parents of autistic children - these will hone your skills and also make you feel a lot less alone.

How Geller will deal with this is anyone's guess, but at least you can be the absolute best parent you can be.

DD2 has just been diagnosed with autism at age 19 and it explains so much. Already a few tweaks to how we do things have made life easier for everyone.

I agree with @pointythings and @NeverDropYourMooncup .

It's better to have a Dx because now you can find the best path forward for DD1.

And I do think you need to think carefully about how Geller will react to this and how best to protect DD1 and yourself. I expect either absolute denial OR he will find a way to (wrongly) place the blame on you so he can beat you over the head with it. Either reaction is absolute bullshit of course, but he is mentally incapable of accepting the truth, which is simply that 'these things happen' and there is no 'fault' to be found.

I'd also consider carefully how/if you are going to give this info to your mom and your brother.

Another thought re Geller. I think you will have to keep a close eye out for him blaming is own bad parenting on DD1's Dx. Much easier for him to say "It's her Dx that is causing XYZ" rather than admitting he's a lousy parent who makes lazy choices.

Oh I honestly thought you had a level 1 (that's what we got)/Asperger's diagnosis already! But it's great to have the knowledge, now you can use that knowledge to help yourself and her. If you haven't read it you might find Neurotribes interesting (although there are distressing bits at the beginning). Also Differently Wired by Deborah Reber is a good and helpful read.

I think you need a little "sinking in" Time-Out. Time to digest, & decide how you go forward with this info
How to get G on board,
Remember you thought Dd1 was going ti be signed off !!! There is no need for precipitating anything, other than speaking to the school before the new term..

Delurking to say that I have a son with an autism diagnosis. It took a little while to adjust to the idea, but if he is autistic then it's much better to have that confirmed than for him to to struggle along undiagnosed in an NT world. Same goes for your DD.

Also, as an autistic woman myself, it's an identity one comes to terms with and can even revel in, given time and a supportive parent :)

Hi @StuckInPollyannaMode … After fighting with my DH on and off for years about this - (basically since she started at school….I knew there was an issue and DH had his head up his clacker.)My DD1 was dx’ed last year at 17. We as a family had always made allowances for her “quirks”, but some of them may have done her a bit of a disservice as the real world isn’t quite so accommodating. She has found the diagnosis understandably difficult, but is coming to terms with it. Despite this (or because of this) she is a high-achieving student, a gifted writer and is somehow able to learn languages almost through her skin. She has friends and an emerging social life, and I am confident that she is getting a handle on the skills she needs to be independent. I know it’s scary, but by empowering her now, you will have even more of an advantage. Besides - they say that at least 56% of us present somewhere “on the spectrum”. This makes her more “typical” than not.

I agree with PP, this diagnosis will help her.

She is so much better, as she spends a fair proportion of time with you who is consistent and parents her in a calm manner etc. Geller is not consistent and does not put the DT’s first.

Sorry if that is a negative view, but I'm being realistic, DD is high functioning Aspergers, yes, got a good degree, yes, but is back in our home. being just as hard to live with as she was aged 5- 18.

Totally appreciate your experience @Feministwoman but there are a more than a few of us on Polly's thread who are autistic women ourselves and are not still living with our parents, being nightmares.

I've had a fair few setbacks in my life but I think many NT people could say the same. I am happily married, nice house, nice job with supportive people.

It isn't all doom and gloom - there are lots of happy autistic adults out there.

I’m trying to get my head round it all and thank you all for your support and comments. The future is something I’m really worried about for her and it’s good to hear positive and negative- I need to be realistic. If it’s ok I may compile a list of questions and post them here for your thoughts? Also any reading / website recommendations gratefully received- I’ve ordered the one above, thank you.

The Dollies had a gym competition last night and both got certificates of achievement- so proud of them.

So, what happened on Monday. Where I live has extremely limited parking. I have a space but it’s not accessible to most cars as is small and even then you bump the back of it turning in (hence why Westley’s car is perfect!) so visitors just have to take their chance on the road - is rural, so hardly Oxford St! Might have to walk 200 yards. My garden runs alongside the road. Which is cut into the side of a hill. So the road is flat but if you go off either of the side roads they’re fairly steep. But not stupid. It’s a Cotswold valley, not the Dolomites.

Geller arrives for drop off. Puff, pant, over explanations, things in many bags, wants to tell me about the contents in each. Take them from him at the door and finally get rid of him.

Ten minutes later in in the garden with the Dollies, discussing elephant toothpaste and how it feels to lose your eyebrows, when all of a sudden there’s this panting and gasping from the end of the garden. Turn round and there’s Geller, hand on heart, chest heaving. Oh thank god you’re in, says he. Oh, theatrics.

Showing great restraint (because where else would I be with the kids on a school night not ten fucking minutes after you dropped them off, you idiot) I just raised one eyebrow and said, with devastating effect,

‘Yes?’

I mean, honestly. I was on point. So it turns out he’d parked his car on the side road but then when it came to leaving, as was parked on the hill, he slipped and missed the biting point on his clutch twice and according to him nearly rear ended the solid stone wall in front of him. Apparently he had lost allllll his confidence and could I possibly move his car for him?

the temptation to say no was strong but with the children there I behaved. I went and moved his car.

Didn’t respond to his rant on the walk there about how he finds it soooo difficult with me living here and parking is a nightmare and he always worries about it. Just said oh, and kept on walking.

did it in one move, gave him his keys back and walked home sniggering to myself. Because what I know and he doesn’t is that my lovely neighbour over the road who has 3 parking spaces and 2 cars has said if anyone is ever dropping stuff off and there is a space at hers then use it no problem (in exchange for feeding her cats when she’s away, Before I accidentally start a parking war on here!)

It seemed hilarious and pathetic on Monday night. Not so much now.

He sounds like an idiot, Polly. But nothing new there!

What a melt. He makes me so angry - how the hell does he function at all?

Sounds like you handled that with aplomb Polly, well done. But seriously if you live in the Cotswolds and can't cope with steep bits of road and random walls and hedges after however many years then more fool him!