Tick tock: the one where Geller discovers Polly is no longer a doormat

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

AKA Co-parenting: I do not think it means what you think it means

Here we go again my lovelies! Will this be the one where I finally get divorced?!

Previous thread here

I have clock news! Turns out, no one wants it. Quelle surprise. Could I sell it? No, sez I, it’s worth ha’penny tuppence on a good day. Plus, no time.

Ha ha.

I suggested, because I am a kind hearted soul and because it’s already in a box and I don’t know which one that they keep the clock face and I get rid of the mechanism and the case. That appears to be a reasonable compromise. Pass me an axe.

The reason for the clock conversation? My brother phoned. My mother has given away my grandfather’s WW1 medals to a museum. WTF?! We’re going to try and get them back. She can’t see what she’s done wrong.

Solicitors on the other side for the house purchase are useless. Estate agent spoke to them today. They are awaiting proof of ID and funds on account?! WTF. I lost my shit a bit. I’d just come back from having a filling so I sounded three gins down, which I’m sure added to the effect.

Oh, and I haven’t stopped laughing for the last hour. A friend has found Geller’s profile on a dating app. It contains such gems as ‘addressing climate change one word at a time in my career as a professional’ and goes on to claim he ‘always has time’

Given me the best laugh I’ve had since my solicitor said she’d call me just to be sure that I wanted to file for absolute once the finance order is made…

Anyway, buckle up loves. It’ll be a ride, as ever…glad you could join me.

It should be a fair settlement.

It is so wrong if the sneakiest person gets the best deal. His behaviour suggests that he is being sneaky. (People who are untrustworthy tend not to trust others.)

If one party is out for themselves (and not fairness or even their children) - then court is needed.

Polly, check through his payslips line by line see what his salary deductions are. Then check line by line on his bank statement and take careful note of withdrawals and transfers, I’d be double checking each bank transfer and cash withdrawals over a couple of hundred pounds.

and yes Geller owes the dollies and you a fair and reasonable financial settlement.

id go for half of everything and a university fund for the dollies. Regardless of whether they eventually attend uni or not.

Unfortunately he has had plenty of time to hide things.
You might well need to ask that he discloses more than the last 12 months worth of statements etc. Call me cynical but I suspect there is a reason for his continued delaying tactics (besides him just bring an arse).

It's so lovely that you and Westley ended things in such a kind and positive way. You may have lost a romantic partner, but sounds to me as if you've gained a very good friend. And good friends can be hard to find.

As for Geller, once a shit always a shit. And I agree he's hiding something or trying to intimidate or exasperate you into accepting an unfair settlement. Forensic accountant, here we come!!!

In my experience, gaslighty twerps like Geller often accuse their victims of the exact behaviours they are trying to get away with themselves. Financial alarm bells shrieking like a hospital is on fire. So pleased you are seeing SHL and encouraging him to apply the cheese grater to Geller’s tiny little testicles.

This is great!

Best of luck talking with your SHL today!

There's a line in the movie "The First Wives Club" where Ivana Trump says "Don't get mad, get everything!"

I would have to agree with that sentiment.

Go full Zsa Zsa Gabor on him… “I’m a great housekeeper. Every time I get divorced, I keep the house.”

I just found you some more!

Any update re G & your SHL ?
Have a good w/e Polly

Afternoon all

Another crazy busy week here. Now dealing with a flood in the kitchen. SHL and so keep missing each other. Which is bloody annoying . I have said that if I resubmit all my financials then he has to too. He’s still being Geller, Uber dramatic about life. The difference is I don’t give a shit. It just bounces off me.

I miss Westley. But we’ve done the right thing. Gone cold turkey on the messaging but lord, how I want to contact him. No idea what I could say at the moment though.

anyway. New dilemma for you.

Growing up we were in a group of four families. Mainly because all the parents really got on. We all went to each other’s weddings and so on, but naturally all have drifted apart. One of the sets of parents has a big anniversary coming up, and their daughter (who I haven’t seen for 7 years, has two girls either side of the Dollies, is lovely but we’ve nothing in common) is hosting a big party. In three weeks. It’s 100 miles away, cross country, will take me 2.5 hours to drive there and back.

DM has piled on the pressure about me going, and then DB said he was coming and bringing my nieces - he’s really good friends with the brother of the party host. So that changed things. I was due to pick them up at the airport and it would give the Dollies a chance to be with their cousins for the day. Which is unlikely to happen in the rest of the holidays as we can’t make diaries align. (Two weeks later the Dollies and I are going north, on a trip round various friends, so seeing my folks then for a couple of nights.) So I said yes. DM is beyond excited, and I know she wants to show the Dollies off. All fine, I wasn’t that keen on the party as will know about 8 people. There’s about 100/120 going.

DB messaged last night to say that Easyjet are buggering around with flights, he’s now got to go via Gatwick, which makes the whole thing infeasible done he’s not going.

so now I don’t want to go. 2.5 hours in the car each way for a day, god knows how much in fuel (I put £30 in yesterday and it didn’t even fill it up halfway), we won’t really know anyone and taking the girls on a car trip like that exhausts me just thinking about it if they’re not going to see their cousins. I have no wish to be rude but really don’t want to go.

I’m fine with crying off from the event itself, and being honest about it, it’s DM I have to manage. If I tell her it’s because of money, she’ll offer to pay. Even if they did, I still wouldn’t want to go! Seeing as how I feel you all know my DM by now, any helpful suggestions of how to cancel are very gratefully received. Or should I suck it up and go?

in essence, AIBU to cancel with 3 weeks notice?!

I'd just say to your DM you were only going so the dollies could see their cousins and if they're not going it isn't really worth the trip for everyone what with everything being so hectic at the moment, your glad of the chance to not go.....

She can't come back from that one!

Just say - both to the family friends who invited you and to DM - that on reflection, it's too far for you to travel as both you and the Dollies would be exhausted and it wouldn't be fair on either them or the hosts.

Don't mention the cost.

The hosts would understand - although your DM might choose not to

I think Puggy might be on the right track - "We were only going so the Dollies could meet up with their cousins. As they're not going, there's no point in us going."
Don't get sucked in.
Stay Strong!!

or swap a weekend with Geller as a very very very last resort 🤦‍♀️🤯😮

Life is far too short to end up doing things you don't want to.

Tell your dm the truth, you were only going so the dc could see their cousins, as your bil can't make it, you won't be going. End of

Don’t go .
Lots of people are invited.

I'd cry off too in your place, Polly, and I'd use the cousin excuse too. And you don't have to 'manage' your 'D'M. She's an adult, she can manage herself. As someone else said, don't get sucked in - you are not responsible for her reactions to things. She's toxic, and you won't gain anything by being there just because she might be a bit upset if you don't go.

Stay strong! And that goes for tackling Geller too. Get that SHL on the case, don't do or commit to anything until you can talk to her, and when you do, then wash your hands of him. He's had his chance, he didn't take it. Gloves off, lawyers and court it is. His fault, not yours.

In his book "When the Body Says No" Dr. Gabor Maté says: "For many people, guilt is a signal that they have chosen to do something for themselves". He suggests that when necessary we would be better to choose guilt over resentment - that it's better and healthier for ourselves.
Whilst I'm sure there are situations that are exceptions to this 'rule' I do think it's rather profound.
And very much sounds in your case that going to the event would be choosing resentment over guilt.
Seems like the guilt you'd feel towards your mother might be winning over the resentment of the huge faff of going to an event you don't actually want to attend.
If I were you, I'd choose the guilt. And try not to feel that guilt too much - IMO it's undeserved!

Your 'D'B has given you an Out hasn't he? I'd let the party hosts know first - and quickly, politely and firmly - that you're not going to the party. Then, when you've that over, advise your mother, providing her with a fait accompli. No need to go into defence mode with her - just grey rock her once you've told her.

Hope the next phase with Geller goes well for you. 🌹

Or you could you be ill ?
Or you need to be home due to repairs after flooding
Or your car broke down ...
Or just tell your Mother, you didn't ever really want to go, you accepted because of reunification of cousins. Now that's off, you are delighted not to go
& tell her you've already cancelled it's a done deal

I agree with the others who’ve said to use the cousins line. I wouldn’t go down the I’m illI’ route, you don’t need to get embroiled with lies. Remember, you are allowed to say no!

If your mother will try to find ways to work around any "problem" is it best to just say that you're not going as it doesn't work, or even just that you aren't going?

Oh Polly what a dilemma, I'd be honest and say you were only going because the Dollies would have their cousins there and you'd have seen them but as DB cried off and you don't want to go anyway you're not going to bother.

My mother was difficult and once I'd had the revelation that given that whatever I did was always going to be wrong, I might as well do whatever I wanted in the first place - well, life was a little easier.

Tell the party hosts and tell her - later, if she asks , that you've had a change of heart given your brother's change of plans.

And for all you know, hostess might have been guilted into a massive guest list by her mother, and be secretly relieved every time someone she hasn't seen for years and really, only invited to pacify her mother, declines.