Tick tock: the one where Geller discovers Polly is no longer a doormat

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

AKA Co-parenting: I do not think it means what you think it means

Here we go again my lovelies! Will this be the one where I finally get divorced?!

Previous thread here

I have clock news! Turns out, no one wants it. Quelle surprise. Could I sell it? No, sez I, it’s worth ha’penny tuppence on a good day. Plus, no time.

Ha ha.

I suggested, because I am a kind hearted soul and because it’s already in a box and I don’t know which one that they keep the clock face and I get rid of the mechanism and the case. That appears to be a reasonable compromise. Pass me an axe.

The reason for the clock conversation? My brother phoned. My mother has given away my grandfather’s WW1 medals to a museum. WTF?! We’re going to try and get them back. She can’t see what she’s done wrong.

Solicitors on the other side for the house purchase are useless. Estate agent spoke to them today. They are awaiting proof of ID and funds on account?! WTF. I lost my shit a bit. I’d just come back from having a filling so I sounded three gins down, which I’m sure added to the effect.

Oh, and I haven’t stopped laughing for the last hour. A friend has found Geller’s profile on a dating app. It contains such gems as ‘addressing climate change one word at a time in my career as a professional’ and goes on to claim he ‘always has time’

Given me the best laugh I’ve had since my solicitor said she’d call me just to be sure that I wanted to file for absolute once the finance order is made…

Anyway, buckle up loves. It’ll be a ride, as ever…glad you could join me.

Agree with the others. Tell hosts first, and then present it as a (breezy) fait accompli to DM.
Result? You get your weekend back.

Honestly, your DM needs to be told that you and the Dollies don’t simply exist as a measure of HER success. I wonder if you were even invited or if she was guilt-tripping the bride’s family.

Definitely cancel with the host first and tell your mother breezily, as done deal.

I've done it! I've emailed the host, with appropriate level of apologies.

I've emailed my mother and said I've pulled out, it's just going to be too much for the Dollies and me with DB not going

So if you all hear a sonic boom, you'll know she's read the email. As I said to the Dollies, she is responsible for her reaction, and they asked if she would shout or go silent on us. Then DD1 said that a week's silence from Grandma would be quite nice and we all had a giggle!

Well done Polly.

As I said to the Dollies, she is responsible for her reaction, and they asked if she would shout or go silent on us. Then DD1 said that a week's silence from Grandma would be quite nice and we all had a giggle!

Wow - sounds like your girls have their Grandma's number! 🌹

Well done indeed.

That is quite sad that they see your mother so clearly.

Smart girls you have there! Wonder where they get it from?

Excellent news!
Very perceptive of the Dollies, too.

Then DD1 said that a week's silence from Grandma would be quite nice and we all had a giggle!

There's a lot of truth in that old saying, 'Out of the mouths of babes'. They tell it how it is, without all the angst we, as adults, apply to every difficult situation.

And now you have a wonderfully free weekend to spend with the Dollies, doing whatever you like, wherever you like, whenever you like. I'd say that's a win-win 😀

Well done, Polly - you've done it all the right way. Polite to the host, firm with your mother, and straightforward with the Dollies. Now all that's left is Geller and his ego-driven shenanigans... And you're more than equal to that too!

I'm wondering just how much interference contact you have from not so DM most weeks 😳

Indeed!

As I said to the Dollies, she is responsible for her reaction, and they asked if she would shout or go silent on us. Then DD1 said that a week's silence from Grandma would be quite nice and we all had a giggle!

Really gently....how much have they been exposed to your turmoil over this party invitation, and your fear of your mother's reaction?

It sounds like her toxic behaviour towards you is also being turned towards them "they asked if she would shout or go silent on us" - this is not a healthy question for children to be asking their mother about their grandmother.

You were always going to have to reflect on what level of contact with her was appropriate at some point, given her behaviour and personality. I think you're reaching that point now. Sorry if that's a bit tough love.

@Stiltonlover I agree. I think that is an extraordinary statement to come out of the mouths of young children.

That does imply they have been exposed to a lot of toxicity from her.

I think for their well being, less contact would be better.

She is clearly modelling a deeply unhealthy behavioural pattern.

Your girls are very perceptive. No flies on them!

I think that daily deserves a nice glass of something, and some fun stuff with the Dollies 😁

Your girls are reflecting back your anxieties and turmoil about your mother, to you. And seeking your approval of it. 'Is it OK that we are feeling this? Because we feel that you are uncomfortable." One of them, at least, has worked out how to be 'smart' about the uncomfortable situation, and smooth their way past the difficulty by raising a laugh. I doubt, at 8, they are being texted (or not texted), 'phoned (or not 'phoned), emailed (or not emailed) by your mother, so this matter of silence or shouting, is a question of the communication between you and your mother, which you are somehow passing onto them.

You know what I’m seeing @StuckInPollyannaMode ? I’m seeing your home as somewhere safe enough to enjoy voicing their thoughts and feelings. There is no way that would be the case if you had stayed with Gellar. This is a great sign, and you should count every time you and the girls have a case of the giggles together as further proof that everyone’s on the right trajectory.

So…the Dollies have an activity they’ve been going to for the last five years. The route is pretty much guaranteed. It goes right through the village we used to live in.

I’m driving it yesterday at the right time to get them there. Who do I see? Walking down the side of the road. Hand in hand with his new woman. I manage to not say anything or draw their attention. He definitely sees me - eyes lock and the look on his face is of sheer terror. There are plenty of other routes across
fields etc if you want to go that way. But he totally lacks imagination.

Coming back an hour later - again, totally normal - he’s (there’s no other word for it) lolling on the village green with her fawning over him. And I mean, ALLLLLL over him.

Again, I say nothing. Again, the Dollies say nothing.

we carry on singing/chatting.

I get a message from him mid afternoon saying ‘Hi. You saw Xxxxx and myself didn’t you. Did the girls? Just helpful to know. No great secret.’

Now, I refuse to do his dirty work. So I send back, after a few hours:

‘Hi. I did, I’m not sure if they did. If you want to go public with a new relationship, more so than with friends, it would be wise to proactively tell the girls instead of them finding out by chance’

I get thumbs up back.

He wanted me to do his dirty work, didn’t he? And the Dollies, god love them, have been little monkeys ever since that trip. They totally saw him, didn’t they? They refused to go to bed, have been answering back, bolshy as anything….grrr. I literally do not give a flying fuck what he does, but to be so blatant and indiscreet is asking for it.

the ultimate irony in all this is that we were meant to have been going on a dog walk yesterday. If we had, we’d have ended up
st the same pub. How I’d have loved to see him get his way out of that one…he’s been totally indiscreet.

PS radio silence from DM

Every time you think Geller has hit rock bottom in terms of awful behaviour, he digs a bit deeper...

Don't engage, it's his dirty work to do. I'm so sorry you're dealing with the fallout, but knowing your relationship with your Dollies, they will talk to you about it when they are ready.

Because you didn't spell it out for him in words of itty bitty single syllables, he probably hasn't registered that you meant that he should proactively tell the Dollies and thinks that you will do it because it would be wise which he would never be . That's why he sent the 👍🏻 back.

One option was not to respond at all, but another was just to answer the question without giving him anything to go on. Just 'yes, I think they did'. The end.

Wonder if the NW has been asking questions about the divorce settlement hence hims stalling again.

He is probably "I have no money" and she's then queried why you can afford x y z

Does he normally sends emojis as a reply to your texts?

any chance he’s found you on MN?

He does occasionally use them. But yes, I had the same thought.

I doubt it though.

Perhaps for once he couldn't think of some rambling way to dump the emotional work on you nor moan about how dreadful his life is?

God he's embarrassing,
"Yes the dds saw, what a shame you put on that spectacle in public"

Smug little shit, isn’t he? Perhaps you should have responded airly “Probably, but that’s for you to explain.”
As for your DM… suspect she imploded at last. My guess is that you can expect a phonecall about a “medical emergency” shortly.