Tick tock: the one where Geller discovers Polly is no longer a doormat

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

AKA Co-parenting: I do not think it means what you think it means

Here we go again my lovelies! Will this be the one where I finally get divorced?!

Previous thread here

I have clock news! Turns out, no one wants it. Quelle surprise. Could I sell it? No, sez I, it’s worth ha’penny tuppence on a good day. Plus, no time.

Ha ha.

I suggested, because I am a kind hearted soul and because it’s already in a box and I don’t know which one that they keep the clock face and I get rid of the mechanism and the case. That appears to be a reasonable compromise. Pass me an axe.

The reason for the clock conversation? My brother phoned. My mother has given away my grandfather’s WW1 medals to a museum. WTF?! We’re going to try and get them back. She can’t see what she’s done wrong.

Solicitors on the other side for the house purchase are useless. Estate agent spoke to them today. They are awaiting proof of ID and funds on account?! WTF. I lost my shit a bit. I’d just come back from having a filling so I sounded three gins down, which I’m sure added to the effect.

Oh, and I haven’t stopped laughing for the last hour. A friend has found Geller’s profile on a dating app. It contains such gems as ‘addressing climate change one word at a time in my career as a professional’ and goes on to claim he ‘always has time’

Given me the best laugh I’ve had since my solicitor said she’d call me just to be sure that I wanted to file for absolute once the finance order is made…

Anyway, buckle up loves. It’ll be a ride, as ever…glad you could join me.

@ChameFangeNail I have my eyes wide open to this too. There's much more to our conversation than I have put here, I might have been a bit unfair but he doesn't know I'm posting here and I've tried to keep his side light as he's a very private person and I don't want to be unfair - equally I'm not trying to defend him - he has gone away with work til next week and we have agreed to have some space so we can both think about what we want.

He HAS said that he doesn't want this to end, that he treasures what we have, and that he knows he needs to deal with it. And that we both need to figure out what we want, and what we want the long term goal to be, and then we can talk and see if they match.

There's no certainties in life. Only that Geller has always been a prat and continues to be so.

I have no idea what I would do in your shoes re Westley. I would probably be inclined to give it a go, but accept that it might not work out and LDRs are tough.

As for Gellar, I second the suggestion of having two phones, with one being just for him. You only switch it on when you want to. He can message all he likes, you just respond when you wish. You can have an autorespond on there just for him. He might never grow out of it, but if you're ever going to get an peace I think you have to grey rock him on anything that isn't related to the Dollies.

And even when it's relating to the Dollies, if it doesn't require a response it doesn't get a response.

He probably will never grow out of this. He's a prat and he's behaving like a prat so no surprise there. He isn't realistically going to stop being a prat so you just need to find a way so that his pratiness doesn't get in the way of you living your new Geller-free life.

I think the idea of waiting for everything to be signed and then giving it to him with both barrels is not a bad one.

But I doubt he will change so just find a way to manage him that works for you.

I agree to perhaps proceed with slight caution with Westley. He sounds great but I’m just a bit worried about you getting hurt if he decides he can’t do another LDR.

I was in a LDR for 4 years and they can be hard and lonely at times. You definitely both need a plan to work towards for what will happen when the LD bit is over and how you both see your relationship evolving. That’s the reason I say proceed with a bit of caution just in case he isn’t as up for the long term commitment as you but totally get that we don’t know the whole story and don’t want to be unfair to him!

On Gellar, I really feel for you. I agree with what others have said that sadly he won’t change, all you can control is you and how you respond which is hard when he is being so insufferable and a rubbish dad. Look after yourself and your lovely Dollies and try not to let him get the better of you as that’s what he wants.

I have no constructive advice (sorry) on what to do about Wesley.

What I would do is bide your time in relation to Geller. Wait until the divorce is finalised. Then let him have both barrels. Tell him straight up that if he wants to contact you and it's about the Dollies, then they must be in A&E. You are no longer dealing with his persistent need of attention. That's all it is. He's looking for your attention to be on him and nowhere else. When you're focussing on his issues and his messages and his rants, you can't be focussed on anything else. So it stops.
I echo the suggestion about having a mutual 'friend' or someone who can be a filter for his messages and only pass on the ones that are genuinely requiring of your attention and time.

Perhaps, and I don't make this suggestion lightly, you could go back through the communications and itemise them. Present them back to him as though he was in an office and ask him if someone approached HIM with this list of requests what would he have done with them? Probably thrown them list in the bin. He wouldn't have given them the attention he is asking of you. You can say that you're trying to be reasonable and you want to be civil and polite but this excessive texting and messaging has to stop. He is harassing you and if, when you're divorced, it continues, I'd go so far as to consider applying to the courts for whatever order you might need to get the harassing to stop.

Is there any update on the divorce Polly? Could you discuss the issue with Gellar’s contact it with your solicitor and see what s/he suggests?

I'm sorry but you probably will not like this . Yes I realise that Geller is the father of your girls , but you know he is a shit one , and hassles you relentlessly when he has them . The odd weekend is doable for you and them but regular 2 weeks at a time whilst you go over to spend time with Wesley ? Could you really put them through that , is that in their best interests ? You have to look beyond yourself and your needs and do what is best for them .
Believe me when I say men come and go , but your children are in your life forever . If your relationship with him has potential , you 3 come as a unit ( eventually ) . If he is out of the country for 3 years he will have time off to visit you , it will be easier for 1 person to travel with little interruption into their own lives , rather than 2 children coming and going . If he is worthy of you , and sees a future , 3 years in a lifetime is a tiny speck in the grand scheme of things .

I’m open to all views @EatsQuorn and that’s one of the things I’m tying myself in knots over.

You going away for 2 weeks is unrealistic sadly.

I would again tell Gellar then incessant message demonstrates he is incapable of sole parenting and it stops. If he doesn't want to have them as a single parent then he has less contact.

Seriously you completely ignore all his messages and he is blocked. He has emergency contacts in case the Dollies are hospitalised and that is it. Tell him it is harassment and you are taking legal advice on it.

More time single getting to know yourself and developing boundaries will be good for you and if you are still both free in 2 years or so then go for LDR then.

One mountain to climb after another polly, hope you get some clarity during W’s time away.

Just wanted to echo mix’s advice to be open to some flexibility if you go ahead with the LDR.

Perhaps consider a DADT agreement. It stands for ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ - it allows both of you to succumb to temptation, with the proviso that if either of you catch feelings for someone else, you talk it through.

For Geller, agree with all the PP on the two-phone approach until you can give him both barrels. Also speak to your solicitor about harassment - could she draft a shot-across-the-bows type letter to be sent once papers are signed?

KOKO

Sadly I agree with @ChameFangeNail .
I am not convinced Westley wants this as much as you do.
Twice you have told him you love him and twice he hasn't reciprocated.
You can't leave the dollies regularly with Gellar for a fortnight. He is not capable of parenting them and this will cause untold damage to them.
With regard to the harassment from Gellar - can you contact your solicitor for advice? But ultimately, you do have to ignore him I think, however many times he messages.

I would be cautious Polly about setting off down the path of a LDR - it's 3 years now, but what it it's more or even forever!

Are you really prepared to put your life on hold for him? Christmas and birthdays and other significant events alone.

Does he feel the same way about you? If you do go down this path is he as committed to you as you are to him? Will he fight for you and spend all his annual leave and cover the expense coming to visit you?

Ah that's a kicker about Westley, I can see why he's been holding back to some extent then. I think any LDR when kids are involved is difficult as you're constantly mentally splitting your life. I think those specifics about flight times and time difference really push the edges of possibility. I wouldn't end it though but really be cautious.

As for Geller I think a PP get's it right. Get the divorce sorted to a point he can't sabotage anything then firmly tell him your boundaries and get some penguin bollards around them.

WESTLY

You don’t need to say, but I assume he is moving to Asia.

I lived in Asia (Singapore and Hong Kong) and only came home to visit generally once per year. Reason being, was the expense (I have two D.C.) and travelling long haul is exhausting. Especially so when you are able to holiday in places like Vietname, Bali and Australia.

Keeping in touch with friends and family was okay, as generally it was morning in the UK when it was early evening in Singapore/Hong Kong. But, it only really worked on the weekends as everyone in the uk was getting ready for work etc.

The reason why I mention the above, is l think if you proceed into a LDR, then do so with your eyes fully open. Go with the knowledge, that you won’t be able to be in regular contact and be realistic about how many times you could both meet.

How would you feel, if you were doing the LDR but either of you met someone else?

GELLER

I say this kindly, but you have been advised many times in many of your threads about getting a another phone for contact with him. Why are you so reluctant to do it? It would do your mental health a lot of good and would enforce the boundaries that YOU set.

Geller is a twat and until there is another Mrs Geller or PW then he will always assume that you are still his PA.

I'm not a great believer in LDRs, but that's me personally. People do seem to make them work or they wouldn't be a 'thing'. I think if I were to try it I'd have to take a LDR 'one day at a time'. Meaning it would have to be a 'permanent work in progress' for both parties with either party being able to call time at any time rather than 'we have to work this out and make it work'.

Unfortunately I think that the Dollies will never be able to be worked into this LTR in any truly feasible way. If you had decent parents or siblings to whom you could entrust them for a week or two at a time your idea of taking off for that time every few months might work. But you don't. Geller won't facilitate it in any way (in fact he'd do everything he could to block it) and there's no way your family is suitable to have the Dollies for any length of time. That leaves taking them with you. I can't see that working, can you? And so, it would seem that Westley would have to do all the traveling, doesn't it?

As far as Westley's end of things, leave that to him to figure out. You concentrate on the 'practicalities' of your end and base your decision on those realities. Not on your emotions. I know you love him but love is not always enough. You can love someone to distraction but that does not mean that they are right for you or that they are in the 'right place in their life' for you.

As far as Geller's lack of, well, everything, I don't think there's anything you can do, really. You cannot control him, you can only control your reaction to him. But I suppose it may be worth a visit with your solicitor to be sure. I don't know where the line is between 'texting the other parent' and pure harassment. I have known of (here in the US) court orders where a verbally abusive ex is forbidden to directly contact the other parent. They use online co-parenting journals/websites where everything is documented in the online journal and the non-abusive parent responds if/when they choose.

I think others have said it, but I think that as long as he knows he's 'getting to you' he'll keep it up. He knows exactly how to push your buttons. He's been doing it for years. His point is to make you feel guilty for leaving him and forcing him to actually parent his DDs. If the Dollies sat quietly at his home reading and doing needlework (or whatever) he'd still be incessant in trying to upset you. He thrives on it. It feeds him. Going with the assumption that for now, when the Dollies are so young, there does need to be some 'open channel' all you can do is read and not respond unless absolutely necessary. Stop feeding the beast.

And remember that in a few years the Dollies will be reliable 'self reporters' if there is a situation, rather than you having to rely on Geller for communication. And then in a few years after that, you'll be able to let go the reins and allow them to control their own relationship with him.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with all of this at once.

I remember you fell in love pretty fast with PC Plod as well.
I wonder if you need to slow down, & get on with your life, your girls, your divorce, your house, your professional qualifications.
Obviously you are happy when W us around, but you need ti be a whole self sufficient happy entity before tying yourself to another man.
You wont be able to take off on holiday every couple of months, you presumably dont have the luxury of loads of money for flights, & some of your holidays will have yo be spent with the girls.
Even if you met half way it just sounds like agony

He HAS said that he doesn't want this to end, that he treasures what we have, and that he knows he needs to deal with it

He needs to come to you with a proper plan then. Don't do anything else. Let him solve it. You have enough on your plate.

The whole hand-wringing lament about how he treasures what he has with you but is burying his head in the sand, is really just him saying 'I can't be bothered to figure it out, so you do it'.

Obviously none of us are privy to the whole conversation, but on the facts of what you've written here, I'd be starting to get peed off with him if I were you.

Morning all

Lots to reflect on. I know I don’t need to say it necessarily but I will anyway - the Dollies are my top priority and that will never ever change. And he knows that. Thank you all, as ever, for your thoughts. I do appreciate them all, even the ones which make me blink!

Foolproof Fuckwit Strategy planning is underway. I know I need to be stronger and I will be.

The divorce lawyer rang on Monday - there’s one amend to the paperwork and then we can both sign and they’ll be lodged with the court. Once this is done, I’m done with being nice.

I can see now how me trying to be nice has caused her more problems. If I’d listened to you all from the start about boundaries it would be a lot easier now. Short term pain for long term gain.

I’m off to a family wedding this weekend and my second grandmother’s 87th birthday lunch. She’s got 40 for lunch on Sunday, all catered by herself - she’s amazing.

Oh - and hoping to exchange today or Monday! I’ll believe it when it happens!

Have a good weekend everyone.

Fingers crossed for exchange today. Thst would be a fab start to the weekend. 🤞

Papers nearly lodged and House about to exchange- how exciting!!

May you be impervious to your mother over the weekend too.

Gellar perhaps start replying each and every time "find someone else to whine to"

Wesley - you'll make the right decision I'm sure.

Just a thought, take a nice photo of a large grey boulder. Send that to Gellar every time he sends an utterly irrelevant message. Until you can play a bit more hardball. Have the satisfaction that he is unlikely to get it and you get to mess with his head.... fingers crossed for exchange!

Here's to everything being signed so you can let rip, Polly

Geller isn't going to know what's hit him!

Fingers crossed for exchange. Exciting times!

@AcrossthePond55

I'm not a great believer in LDRs, but that's me personally. People do seem to make them work or they wouldn't be a 'thing'. I think if I were to try it I'd have to take a LDR 'one day at a time'. Meaning it would have to be a 'permanent work in progress' for both parties with either party being able to call time at any time rather than 'we have to work this out and make it work'.

Unfortunately I think that the Dollies will never be able to be worked into this LTR in any truly feasible way. If you had decent parents or siblings to whom you could entrust them for a week or two at a time your idea of taking off for that time every few months might work. But you don't. Geller won't facilitate it in any way (in fact he'd do everything he could to block it) and there's no way your family is suitable to have the Dollies for any length of time. That leaves taking them with you. I can't see that working, can you? And so, it would seem that Westley would have to do all the traveling, doesn't it?

As far as Westley's end of things, leave that to him to figure out. You concentrate on the 'practicalities' of your end and base your decision on those realities. Not on your emotions. I know you love him but love is not always enough. You can love someone to distraction but that does not mean that they are right for you or that they are in the 'right place in their life' for you.

As far as Geller's lack of, well, everything, I don't think there's anything you can do, really. You cannot control him, you can only control your reaction to him. But I suppose it may be worth a visit with your solicitor to be sure. I don't know where the line is between 'texting the other parent' and pure harassment. I have known of (here in the US) court orders where a verbally abusive ex is forbidden to directly contact the other parent. They use online co-parenting journals/websites where everything is documented in the online journal and the non-abusive parent responds if/when they choose.

I think others have said it, but I think that as long as he knows he's 'getting to you' he'll keep it up. He knows exactly how to push your buttons. He's been doing it for years. His point is to make you feel guilty for leaving him and forcing him to actually parent his DDs. If the Dollies sat quietly at his home reading and doing needlework (or whatever) he'd still be incessant in trying to upset you. He thrives on it. It feeds him. Going with the assumption that for now, when the Dollies are so young, there does need to be some 'open channel' all you can do is read and not respond unless absolutely necessary. Stop feeding the beast.

And remember that in a few years the Dollies will be reliable 'self reporters' if there is a situation, rather than you having to rely on Geller for communication. And then in a few years after that, you'll be able to let go the reins and allow them to control their own relationship with him.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with all of this at once.

Delurking to agree with every word of this, plus the posts following it from Mix and Chame.

I have only posted on your thread once, I think to post a photo of a bag of frozen mash during Mashergate. But I read your threads in total support of you and the Dollies and must admit that your present situation is making me feel anxious. Just want to a) plead with you to be realistic about the Westley situation and b) evoke the Gods of exchanging on houses to pour their blessings down upon you today.

Stage one of the Failsafe Fuckwit Strategy complete. He’s just picked up the Dollies stuff prior to Easter hols. He said he felt I’d withdrawn and I don’t want to talk to him. I told him the level of communication was completely unacceptable and he needed to respect my boundaries. He looked rather nonplussed and I then said I wanted to put a more rigid procedure in place after their birthday as frankly the level of communication is bordering on harassment.

Then he tried to tell me that the Dollies need to meet Westley as they are confused about whether he is my partner. I said that wasn’t his business, it was my decision and they know full well he is my boyfriend. He said they’d struggled with me being away and I had the satisfaction of telling him I’d been away numerous times that he and they didn’t even know about.

He looked incredibly confused and seemed to shrink a little.

Then showed I him the door! (Metaphorically, I was standing on the drive)

Well done.

Sadly he will ignore that and carry on BUT you have set the groundwork for stage 2 onwards