Here goes. Coming out of the Dickensian fog to reveal all.
Today’s update, my loves, has 2 key points that I really need your help on. Bear these in mind as you read – as ever, your advice will be invaluable.
- What are Westley and I going to do?
- How the FUCK do I deal with Geller? I need a Foolproof Fuckwit Strategy.
So, in relation to Westley.
He’s lovely. He really, really is. We are having such a nice time together and I’m still adjusting to being in a relationship which isn’t with a wanker. I’m still working on myself a lot and learning to respond not to react, and he’s being super patient with me. We had one issue to sort out at the start of the week and he handled it, and me, brilliantly. I feel totally secure. Except for the one problem, which is all tied up in the greater issue which I haven’t told you because it’s his business not mine. But he’s now admitted it’s what has been holding him back emotionally.
He's got a job abroad, for 3 years. Like, 15 hours flight away.
He was offered it before Christmas and immediately discussed it with me. I said that it was his dream job, if he wanted to do it he should accept it and we would work it out. We talked about it long and hard. But he accepted, which I think was totally the right thing to do and I have been very supportive. However, what has come out is that he basically has put himself emotionally ‘on ice’ since finding out and has been burying his head in the sand. Neither of us know what to do. We’ve been putting it off and putting it off. But it’s starting to get real now that paperwork is getting going and stuff. It came to the forefront this week and we finally talked about it. And I finally told him I loved him. He didn’t say it back, which I was expecting, I knew he wasn’t ready. But I’m happy I’ve told him how I feel and I’m confident enough to have done so.
We don’t know how it’s going to work. I’ve got the Dollies, it’s not like I can up and off. If I didn’t have them I could go out there and stay for a month at a time then come back here. But I do, and I can’t change that! Equally I can’t move with him and the Dollies, that’s insane – a solution which was mooted by one friend!
There’s a time difference which is 6 hours, which is hard work. He’s concerned about putting both of us through what he calls the pain and hardship and grief of a long distance relationship. The background to this is that he was in a LDR which didn’t work out and I think he is very scared that will happen again. I have said that he’s not the same person he was then, I’m not his ex, we’re going into this with our eyes open. That relationships and connections like the one we have don’t come along every day and that he mustn’t let his past dictate his future. But whatever route we take, we have to be committed to it. I’m prepared to do so.
He doesn’t know what he wants. He’s clearly scared. The logistics and the practicalities are fucking terrifying. He’s concerned that I’ll be at home doing childcare and house stuff and he’ll be off doing exciting things in new places and there’ll be resentment on both sides. However, if we’re onto a good thing why would we throw it away without even trying? What if this is a potentially long term thing and actually 3 years in the grander scheme of things is nothing at all.
Then you add in the Dollies. DD1’s issues. How would they cope with me going away for a couple of weeks at a time? Like, once every three months. Or with Westley coming back and staying for a bit and then going again. They’ve not met and this job is the main reason why – knowing he was going neither of us wanted to do the wrong thing and let them get attached. And what if I want to take them over to where he is going to be for a couple of weeks in the holidays otherwise I won’t see him for ages?
Am I being completely selfish to even consider this? Should I end it for the sake of the Dollies?
And that leads me onto point 2.
Geller was a fucking pain in the ass whilst I was away. Did everything that he could to make it difficult and make the Dollies upset. He will block this with every sinew in his body.
I NEED to get him and his incessant messaging to stop. I NEED him to leave me alone. He doesn’t respect my boundaries, doesn’t respect that I was away, appears to be incapable of managing the Dollies without constant fucking messages. Which of course I couldn’t ignore as I was away. The more I ignore him, the more he messages. I NEED to get this sorted. I got really upset a couple of times whilst we were away and Westley has said that he found it very difficult to see me dealing with so much shit and basically being harassed.
Frankly, if I don’t get Geller sorted I can see it will completely screw up what I have with Westley. If he was staying nearby then time would be on our side. As it is, it isn’t. He goes before the end of summer. I have said to him, and he realises, that I’ve been putting up with this for a long time and I’m trying my best, but like anyone coming out of an abusive relationship it is hard.
I need a Foolproof Fuckwit Strategy to make Geller grow up, back off, parent capably. One that will allow me to go and see Westley for a couple of weeks at a time given the distance involved. One that will make him realise I’m an individual and allowed to have my own life. He’s never going to stop hating me for the divorce. But now that the paperwork is so close to being sorted, once it’s signed then I can let him have it both barrels.
What I need is your advice, once again, dear friends in my keyboard. And, if you got through all that, a gin to reward yourselves.