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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me, what was this? *DV TRIGGER WARNING*

185 replies

stripepip · 28/02/2022 04:06

I have name changed for this

My partner is amazing. So kind and generous who always has my best interest at heart.
However tonight, he grabbed me and pushed me to the floor onto my stomach and I don't know how to feel.
He was changing our 6 week old daughter after she had been sick and I think the stress of life, me having a panic attack and the sick situation threw him over the edge.
He was hitting himself and threw a baby grow. I said leave the room please as I was protecting my daughter and he came over, said don't tell me what to do and pushed me onto the floor.
He says now he was aiming for the bed - does that make it better?
I don't think I have any marks on me, so is it bad?
I'm confused. This man who is so gentle has done this. I'm not sure what to do or how I feel.
He's upset that I now won't let him hold my daughter, I'm just scared.
I feel afraid nowSad

OP posts:
Original poster
stripepip · 28/02/2022 04:09

I feel scared right now but I'm scared to go anywhere or tell anyone in case he hurts me or my daughter. Or himself for that matter

I have been in an abusive relationship before and I can't believe this has happened again. I can't help but think it's my fault

OP posts:
Preworkouttingle · 28/02/2022 04:13

It’s not your fault. Call the police, get him OUT. This will escalate, he’s making excuses “I was aiming for the bed” to excuse his behaviour. I hope you are ok but see a doctor to check you out for any injury.

Original poster
stripepip · 28/02/2022 04:16

But I love himSad
This is so hard.
I need to do what's right by my daughter and I know that but I'm afraid. We are engaged to be married next year

OP posts:
Susu49 · 28/02/2022 04:23

@stripepip

But I love himSad This is so hard. I need to do what's right by my daughter and I know that but I'm afraid. We are engaged to be married next year
I know, but I think you love your daughter more?

It doesn't matter how much you love, or even of you believe the circumstances were exceptional, in order to protect your daughter he must understand the consequences of his actions...

At the very least, please speak to Womens Aid or Reguge Flowers

autienotnaughty · 28/02/2022 04:24

There is no excuse you do not deserve to be pushed, and it will get worse. If you allow this he will continue to do it and the longer it goes on the harder it is to leave. A line has been crossed, you can't go back. Also people who are too good to be true unfortunately can be masking a different side.

Original poster
stripepip · 28/02/2022 04:43

Maybe he's just over tired

OP posts:
Cyberpunk2077 · 28/02/2022 04:47

@stripepip

Maybe he's just over tired
And that makes it okay, does it?

You've come onto mumsnet and asked for help and received sound advice from previous posters.

My friend had a relationship like yours, her boyfriend was lovely, kind, supportive etc they were engaged and then when they had a baby he turned into a monster, started to abuse her and that's because he thought the baby had trapped her there and she wouldn't leave. She left thank god but you need to protect yourself and your daughter. It will only escalate, domestic violence is rarely a one time thing.

Oddbutnotodd · 28/02/2022 04:47

Don’t make excuses for him. Listen to what other posters are saying

frazzledasarock · 28/02/2022 04:57

You’re six weeks post partum, your partner shoved you so hard you fell on your stomach?

Go to your GP at the very least and get properly checked to ensure you’re not badly hurt.

Personally I’ve never shoved anyone so hard as to push them over completely bodily. He was clearly aiming for you and trying to cause you harm.

LTB. Leave and don’t look back. It will only get worse. For you and your child.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 28/02/2022 05:33

If you haven’t already had it, I would bring this up at your post-birth check up with the GP/midwife.

I’m sorry you’re going through this and I don’t know how I would react but my DH and I have been our most tired and stressed with our children but neither of us have ever aggressively touched the other. Ever.

ugifletzet · 28/02/2022 05:34

OP, do you shove people to the ground when you're "overtired"?

Thought not.

wingscrow · 28/02/2022 07:25

Call the police, have him arrested for assault. Kick him out of your life.

A man who hits you is not 'amazing'. He is an abusive fool who can't control his temper.

You also have your child to think about. She should not be witnessing this.

It is not your fault so don't blame yourself in any way for this. Your partner chose to behave this way.I sometimes think abusers have a six sense when it comes to finding women who have already been abused in the past and targeting them... It is not unusual for the situation to repeat itself with a new partner until you learn to be better at spotting red flags early and at not tolerating any poor behaviour.

NameGoesHere · 28/02/2022 07:32

It’s not your fault.

Being tired is no excuse FFS!

Do NOT marry this abusive man.

Orgasmagorical · 28/02/2022 07:36

He says now he was aiming for the bed - does that make it better?

Of course not. They will often re write what happened to gaslight you and try and get away with it.

Would you be having such doubts if it was your daughter he had done this to?

It will escalate, stripepip, please speak to your GP, Women's Aid and the police and keep yourself and your daughter safe. It has started now, he will not go back to who you thought he was before.

Pinkyxx · 28/02/2022 08:38

This is just the start I'm sorry to say.

He will make excuses, he will gaslight you, he will say it was you who drove him to it, or whatever excuse he feels like (FYI: nothing justifies violence). He will do it again and again for the very simple reason that he can. You will tell yourself he will change, it was a one-off, when he's had some sleep it will be OK etc or you will try and change to prevent the violence.

How you respond to this incident sends him a message as to how he can treat you going forwards. Let it go this time, and you send the message that when he hits you, you will accept it.

It gets harder and harder to leave. The first time is the easiest... My biggest regret in life is not leaving the first time my ex husband hit me. I will never forgive myself for what our child witnessed in those early years. Babies are just as impacted by domestic violence, as are toddlers.

Original poster
stripepip · 01/03/2022 17:02

Hi,

Sorry, I don't mean to seem like I'm ignoring advice. It's just really difficult and this is someone I thought wouldn't hurt me so I'm finding it so hard to process.
This isn't the first time. I've been pushed on the bed by him before and on the first night our baby came home he slammed the bedroom door so much that it woke the baby up. I couldn't move as was in so much pain from delivery.
I have spoken to my mother and she seems to think it's fine this time, but if it happens again I should leave.
I don't know what to do or how to do it. I have no money and we share a house through renting, so even if I did leave I don't know how to start

OP posts:
Original poster
stripepip · 01/03/2022 17:03

Also,

@Orgasmagorical if he dared to lay a finger on my baby I'd be out the house with her in seconds. I guess this reflects on how I feel about myself

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 01/03/2022 17:19

I have spoken to my mother and she seems to think it's fine this time, but if it happens again I should leave.

I couldn't disagree with her more strongly. Please can I suggest you read Pinkyxx's post again. It WILL get worse. If you do nothing now he will see it as you giving him the green light to do it again, do it harder, perhaps hurt your baby too. Perhaps leave your baby without a mother and a father in prison. I'm not saying this to scare you, it's the reality of so many of these relationships. It will not end well, please please do not wait until next time. It absolutely does get harder the more you put it off. It's a hugely difficult thing to do, to end a relationship, especially an abusive one, but it is the only thing you can do if you want a decent life for yourself and your child.

Women's Aid are amazing, they won't force you to leave, they understand how difficult it is, but they will listen to you and support you, in all that you're going through. Please stripepip, find the strength you need to call WA or any of the other organisations MN recommend at the top of the page, for your baby and for yourself. It's a scary step but not that big a one really, it's just a phone call Flowers

Seraphinesupport · 01/03/2022 17:22

hes going to be over tired everyday for the rest of his life now.. he has kids, they are forever tiring and what about when hes 60 and tired of age? Being tired is no excuse otherwise he will be using that excuse for the rest of your life

Seraphinesupport · 01/03/2022 17:25

what your mother said speaks volumes for her then because my mother would be very angry is my husband pushed me down onto the floor and would be disappointed in me if i didnt leave,,,also let me say, its always got to start somewhere, theres always a first time just like theres always a last time whether thats because they kill you or you leave them

I was pushed by a man one time, the next time was his last but only because he beat me so bad i went into hospital. Thankfully he ran for it and never contacted me again as he knew my family would call the police

LIZS · 01/03/2022 17:32

@stripepip

Also,

@Orgasmagorical if he dared to lay a finger on my baby I'd be out the house with her in seconds. I guess this reflects on how I feel about myself

But once may be once too often Sad You need to prioritise your baby and yourself. Even if it is due to tiredness he still needs to leave until he has dealt with that. You ate also overtired but do not react violently towards him or the baby.
Babyghirl · 01/03/2022 17:41

@stripepip
What advice would you give your daughter if she came and told you her dp done this to her, then when you answer it that's your answer also, always take your own advice.

McScreamysGhostPants · 01/03/2022 17:42

" if he dared to lay a finger on my baby I'd be out the house with her in seconds. I guess this reflects on how I feel about myself"

I guess it's a good job he's just violent with you then isn't it? At least for now.

You do know that social services would take an incredibly dim view of you absurdly knowing that this behaviour is wrong, and you choosing to keep your daughter in this situation desire that. You are actually putting your relationship with him ( violent abuser that admits he wanted to push you over) above her safety and need for a secure home. They would take her into care if you didn't get rid of him. Just think about that for a minute.

You know you need to call the police. Get him off the tenancy and claim benefits of you need to. But your love for him is not more important than her right to a safe, non violent home.

BurgerKingAddict · 01/03/2022 17:44

A lot of domestic violence starts just after a baby is born.
I hope that you are able to leave him ASAP to end this now.

Nanny0gg · 01/03/2022 17:48

My partner is amazing. So kind and generous who always has my best interest at heart.

No. No. No.

None of the above. He started on you the minute you got home from giving birth.

Your mother is all kinds of wrong. What if he badly injures you 'the next time'

You won't do anything now ( I hope you're safe) but tomorrow make concrete plans to leave and/or phone the police and Women's Aid.

Thia will happen again. Tiredness doesn't makes someone violent.