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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me, what was this? *DV TRIGGER WARNING*

185 replies

stripepip · 28/02/2022 04:06

I have name changed for this

My partner is amazing. So kind and generous who always has my best interest at heart.
However tonight, he grabbed me and pushed me to the floor onto my stomach and I don't know how to feel.
He was changing our 6 week old daughter after she had been sick and I think the stress of life, me having a panic attack and the sick situation threw him over the edge.
He was hitting himself and threw a baby grow. I said leave the room please as I was protecting my daughter and he came over, said don't tell me what to do and pushed me onto the floor.
He says now he was aiming for the bed - does that make it better?
I don't think I have any marks on me, so is it bad?
I'm confused. This man who is so gentle has done this. I'm not sure what to do or how I feel.
He's upset that I now won't let him hold my daughter, I'm just scared.
I feel afraid nowSad

OP posts:
NativityDreaming · 01/03/2022 18:53

Men don’t ‘just lose it’ or ‘just see red’ with their partner, it’s a lie. Does he do that with strangers in a store? Do it with colleagues at work? No, he controls himself in other situations. He is making a decision to react like this with you. Don’t feel sorry for him and don’t make excuses either.

WonderfulYou · 01/03/2022 18:55

B) he's so nice 99% of the time and I know he didn't do it meaning to hurt me. He just sees a red mist and reacts. He knows it's wrong which is what confused me

How many times has he been arrested for attacking his friends, family or co-workers?
Because if he ‘can’t help it’ and sees a ‘red mist and just reacts’ then it can’t just be you he’s doing it to?

So I can imagine if this has happened at work he would have been fired and arrested - if this is true he genuinely has a problem and needs to get help.
If it’s not true then he doesn’t have a problem and just enjoys doing it to you.

Either way a baby is not sage in this environment.

StopStartStop · 01/03/2022 18:59

Stop this nonsense OP and get you and your baby to safety.
He did it.
He meant it.
He'll do it again.

FavouritePi · 01/03/2022 19:00

He is not a great partner or father. In 10 years my husband has never hurt me. He's been tired and overwhelmed lots of times and taken himself out of the situation to calm down when needed. Our DD has never been a witness to any violence at any age as it doesn't happen. It shouldn't happen either.

In 6 weeks your partner assaulted you twice but what if he'd pushed you and hit your head? Just twice can easily end up being your last 'next time'. Plus, my worry would be that he'd be too rough with your child in a temper one day. He cannot be trusted.

I would tell the police, GP and contact the services women's aid have provided you with. Highlight the fact he said he did it because he was tired. This is such a cause for concern. A parent is always tired, what happens with DD if she's crying and it's too much when you're not there? If he can't cope with life, he should do you a favour and leave.

You have to think of your DD before anything and in this situation it's by thinking of yourself and protecting you both. And I'm sorry that your mother has utterly failed you by forgetting that with her advice.

BlueMoon23 · 01/03/2022 19:33

Your child is being exposed to domestic violence. It doesn't need to be "physical" or happen to her to have an impact. Already she has been startled awake by a loud noise of the door banging and has heard you being pushed twice as well as having a very dysregulated father care for her. It is time to make plans to leave. Contact Women's aid.

Original poster
stripepip · 01/03/2022 19:56

For context, we are both 22. In my previous relationship, I was controlled and hurt so much that that's what I thought was normal. I have had therapy for this and ended up with bad anxiety and OCD, so I think that doesn't help with me being so almost casual about it all. It's all I really know. My mother also seems to think this isn't a big deal either. I've been called dramatic all my life and I'm worried that's what I'm being now. I realise it now, but I didn't think I needed to speak to Women's Aid or anything.

I guess in my mind my situation isn't even that bad and I honestly thought that maybe 60/70% of relationships would be like this.

In response to posts, he isn't like this with anyone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
stripepip · 01/03/2022 19:57

I do love my baby more, of course. But I have struggled to connect and bond with her so I wonder if that's not helped my urgency to leave. I know I have to and I do feel protective and scared for her

OP posts:
Gazorpazorp · 01/03/2022 20:16

@stripepip I had a baby 10 weeks ago and not once has my partner assaulted me - his behaviour is not normal and there is no excuse for it. Doesn’t matter how tired and stressed he is. Please leave. If he “snapped” with your daughter and hurt her, how would you feel? You and she are a team now and she needs you to protect her. You might find bonding gets easier when you’re not in this awful situation. Please please leave and worry about finances and so on when you’re both safe. We all believe in your courage and strength.

MarbleQueen · 01/03/2022 20:17

He just sees a red mist and reacts

If he had truly lost control you would be in hospital right now. The whole lost control thing is nonsense. He was very much in control.

Treesinthewind · 01/03/2022 20:21

I'm worried that if this is totally out of character for him, he could be experiencing a breakdown. That doesn't mean it's not abusive but it means he could be really unpredictable.

fuckoffjournalists · 01/03/2022 20:25

Your mum is wrong and have you told her this isn’t the first time? Sorry but you really have no choice here to keep you and your baby safe. Imagine what would happen to your child if he did to the same to them?

McScreamysGhostPants · 01/03/2022 20:25

@stripepip

I do love my baby more, of course. But I have struggled to connect and bond with her so I wonder if that's not helped my urgency to leave. I know I have to and I do feel protective and scared for her
Have you thought that you are struggling to bond with her because you are sun viscosity scared he will be jealous of the love you give the baby (and in his eyes not him)?

I don't say this lightly, I was in an abusive relationship myself at age 19 and I had two babies to him in 15 months. It was screaming in my face and pushing and then elbowing and kicking and breaking my things. All in front of my babies. It escalated, one night he held me by the throat against the wall and my feet couldn't even touch the floor. I started to get things in place and was ready to leave the week after but then my baby sitter told me that he had raped her the night before when I went for a bath and straight to bed. I called the police right away and And reported it myself. He was remanded and served 7 years in total for domestic violence and the rape .

My eldest was 26 months the day he was arrested. Sadly, that trauma she witnessed me going through and experienced herself in those two years meant that now at 25 she has a personality disorder. The Dr says it's most likely from her early years despite her not having any real memories of it. She was a huge people pleaser in primary and so it didn't really show until she went to seniors and wasn't getting the same constant positive attention. I would do anything to go back and end that relationship sooner.

fuckoffjournalists · 01/03/2022 20:26

@Treesinthewind read the OP’s update it isn’t the first time, please don’t give him the mental breakdown excuse for abuse…

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 01/03/2022 20:26

You cannot rely on your dm. She wants an easy life. One without any 'drama 'from you. Break the chain op. Do right by your dd. Get her safe. If he assaults you and you drop her then what happens? Bet you would blame yourself yeah? He isn't a decent human being. Is he on the birth certificate?

pinklemonade84 · 01/03/2022 20:30

op, please take steps and get yourself and your baby out of this

I'm sorry to say, but your mum is awful if she's trying to down play this. If my Dh had ever laid a finger on me while my mum was alive, she would have made sure he was never near myself or our dd ever again. Please don't listen to her, you're not being dramatic xx

Suzi888 · 01/03/2022 20:35

I would call the police, if you aren’t prepared to leave them at least the police can ‘have a word’. Does your DH work? He could lose his job if he does this again after a police warning. May give him the shock he needs.

They will also speak to you, advise you he’s likely to hit you again.

Treesinthewind · 01/03/2022 20:37

Oh definitely not saying it's not abuse. My ex was abusive and experienced psychosis, and one of the early signs was him getting so stressed out that, out of nowhere, he suddenly started screaming and this reminded me of that. I mentioned it because it can make already dangerous men even more dangerous and unpredictable.

EarthSight · 01/03/2022 20:39

I'm sorry OP, but he's not as kind as you think. Of course people can act out of character when they're stressed. Having little sleep or having a small baby is hard on fairly calm people, but what he did is off the scale.

In every man, you need to be able to know and trust that they're not going to use their physicality against you in times of stress, upset or anger. He's crossed that line and I'm not sure if there's any way back from this. He's turned your relationship from struggling into abusive.

Also, 'Is there any marks on me so is it bad?' isn't really the point here. If you stay on this forum, you will see that many women have had a man shout in their face, towering over them, blocking exists and things like that. They didn't have marks on them from those occasions, but those men crossed an important line when they did that. They showed they were willing to physically intimidate their partners. That's bad enough and cause to leave. Your partner went one step further than that, and is probably well aware of what he's done, and he's trying to save his own skin and find a way out of it.

This is not a harmonious, stable or even safe environment for you and your baby. Please seek help. At the very least, contact Women's Aid if you need help getting out and sorting your finances.

Treesinthewind · 01/03/2022 20:41

Please don't listen to your mum. I've been told I'm over-sensitive my whole life and it made me such a people pleaser and really vulnerable to abusers. Have you done the Freedom Programme? I think you'd find it really helpful in identifying unhealthy relationship patterns.
You are not being over dramatic. This is your protective maternal instinct kicking in. Use it to save yourself and your baby x

insanemumof3 · 01/03/2022 20:41

Op, what's your excuse when he loses his temper with you daughter and severely hurts her because he's tired.

EarthSight · 01/03/2022 20:42

@stripepip

For context, we are both 22. In my previous relationship, I was controlled and hurt so much that that's what I thought was normal. I have had therapy for this and ended up with bad anxiety and OCD, so I think that doesn't help with me being so almost casual about it all. It's all I really know. My mother also seems to think this isn't a big deal either. I've been called dramatic all my life and I'm worried that's what I'm being now. I realise it now, but I didn't think I needed to speak to Women's Aid or anything.

I guess in my mind my situation isn't even that bad and I honestly thought that maybe 60/70% of relationships would be like this.

In response to posts, he isn't like this with anyone else.

60 - 70% of relationships definitely are not like that.

My mother also seems to think this isn't a big deal either. I've been called dramatic all my life and I'm worried that's what I'm being now

Don't listen to your mother.

Some people have a very warped view of normal. They might never have known a decent man or loving environment, so yes, of course, to them you're being overdramatic. However, you have the right to decide what's best for you and I think you'll find from talking to lots of women that what he did is not acceptable and is cause to split or divorce for a lot, if not most women.

rolypolydoly · 01/03/2022 20:43

Do not marry this man.

EarthSight · 01/03/2022 20:44

@stripepip

Maybe he's just over tired
No OP......I'm afraid not. Overtired people do not do this.

What you are doing is convincing yourself that your current circumstances are acceptable when they're not. It's scary, and I understand why you would do that, but it's not going to help you in future. This should not be your normal.

Crystalvas · 01/03/2022 20:46

@stripepip

But I love himSad This is so hard. I need to do what's right by my daughter and I know that but I'm afraid. We are engaged to be married next year
Call the police. Whats right for your child is not living with looking at you being abused. Believe me I should know. Believe me this will escalate no matter how well you think you know him. Tell him to leave or LTB.
AgathaX · 01/03/2022 20:46

His behaviour is escalating, this is not the first time he has been physically abusive. You need to realise this and see it for what it is. Your mother's advice is poor, and potentially dangerous.
Well done for speaking to Women's Aid. You also need to speak to your Health Visitor and Midwife if you still have contact with her. As other posters have said, SS will not be happy if you stay in a violent, abusive relationship, thereby putting your baby at risk. Please don't be that woman who puts her abusive partner's needs and feelings before yours and your babys.