Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me, what was this? *DV TRIGGER WARNING*

185 replies

stripepip · 28/02/2022 04:06

I have name changed for this

My partner is amazing. So kind and generous who always has my best interest at heart.
However tonight, he grabbed me and pushed me to the floor onto my stomach and I don't know how to feel.
He was changing our 6 week old daughter after she had been sick and I think the stress of life, me having a panic attack and the sick situation threw him over the edge.
He was hitting himself and threw a baby grow. I said leave the room please as I was protecting my daughter and he came over, said don't tell me what to do and pushed me onto the floor.
He says now he was aiming for the bed - does that make it better?
I don't think I have any marks on me, so is it bad?
I'm confused. This man who is so gentle has done this. I'm not sure what to do or how I feel.
He's upset that I now won't let him hold my daughter, I'm just scared.
I feel afraid nowSad

OP posts:
Canyouhearmehello · 02/03/2022 01:04

He AIMED for the bed omg he meant to do it (not a spontaneous action which is bloody awful but he thought about it) phone the police and get that thug out of your house and out of your life. The first night at home with your baby and he did the same. He needs the police to get him to leave now. As pp have said get support he is a danger to you and your baby

danascully96 · 02/03/2022 05:36

@stripepip

Also,

@Orgasmagorical if he dared to lay a finger on my baby I'd be out the house with her in seconds. I guess this reflects on how I feel about myself

Who's to say he won't? And even if he doesn't hit your daughter, he still is selfish in creating a chaotic environment for your daughter and she will still witness the trauma of domestic violence as she grows up.

My mother babysat for a little girl in the 60s whose step-father would also get violent when she wet herself. One day, he threw her down the stairs and she died. Innocent lives are snuffed out every day because of domestic violence.

If your partner isn't sane enough to nonviolently cope with the frustrations of childrearing, he's a constant danger in the home and a ticking time bomb. As a mother, I urge you to protect your daughter and get the hell out.

Original poster
stripepip · 02/03/2022 07:27

Okay so I'm really scared about it but today is the day I'll take steps to help my daughter and I.

Everything I know is about to endSad

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 02/03/2022 07:34

I know he loves our daughter and myself, so that's what I feel really awful about. I know I have to leave and I am going to but I'm feeling completely awful about hurting him. He's going to be heartbroken.

He's not going to be heartbroken, he's going to be fucking furious, that's why this is the most dangerous time for women leaving abusive men.

Please do not feel awful about taking yourself and your daughter to safety away from his abuse, he is perfectly in control and choosing to do what he does.

Do not feel bad about hurting him, he has brought this on himself and he doesn't feel bad about doing what he did to you, he tried to minimise it, remember?

Speak to whoever needs to know, the hospital, your doctor, do whatever you need to do to keep you both safe.

Orgasmagorical · 02/03/2022 07:36

@stripepip

Okay so I'm really scared about it but today is the day I'll take steps to help my daughter and I.

Everything I know is about to endSad

Well done. It's scary but there is help out there and we are all here to support you. Be very careful Flowers
flipflopjump · 02/03/2022 07:42

When you go to hospital today just tell them you need help as you are not safe at home and need to speak to the safeguarding team

sortmyselfout · 02/03/2022 08:13

You can do it! Just think to yourself... It might feel hard but imagine how much harder it will become if you stay and allow it to get worse. Deep down it sounds like you know this isn't right. And you know your past experiences make it hard to judge/easier to excuse. You're being so brave. Sending you all the strengthThanks

FlipFlops4Me · 02/03/2022 08:52

He's going to contact you and try to guilt trip you. He'll cry and tell you he's oh-so-sorry, it'll never ever happen again - etc etc

But he won't be heart broken. He'll be totally, completely pissed off and angry that you didn't fall for all the lies.

Don't believe him, don't take him back or I can guarantee you'll be his punchbag by the end of the year. Every time he gets annoyed at work, he'll save it up and wallop you when he gets home. Every time the baby wakes him up he'll blame you for it ..... every single little thing that upsets him will be taken out on your body.

Teacaketotty · 02/03/2022 08:56

Good luck OP we are all rooting for you x

AgathaX · 02/03/2022 09:24

Definitely tell them at the hospital. You need all the help you can get. Good luck. Leaving is the right thing to do.

Oldh · 02/03/2022 10:18

Please don't tell him that you are leaving. Leave first while he is not there as his reaction might be very violent. Women's aid will help. It's a brilliant idea to ask for help at the hospital. Well done. You are so young yourself and are being very brave. You can be proud that you are being a good mum xx

YouOweMeANewAcorn · 02/03/2022 10:26

Definitely tell the hospital what your partner has done; they have trained people that can help.

I think, if it were me, I'd pack what i can and stay at my mums or a woman's refuge. Without someone to be with you during the discussion with your partner, i would message him to say i won't put up with his abuse any longer, and staying elsewhere (Don't say where). I'd also add that for your daughter's safety, supervised visits with her will need to be arranged by the court. His anger will be directed at objects around him then, rather than you.

Remember that you can ask for a police escort to have this conversation in person, and they will stay there whilst you pack, or can help if you need to go back inside your house later.

Big hugs x

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 02/03/2022 11:09

Op if you feel worried you won't be able to speak at the hospital - saying out loud you need help can be tough - write a note and pass it to the Dr.. I hope it goes well. This is the hard part of having dc.. Standing up for them when you are fearful. You can do this though.

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 02/03/2022 11:46

You asked if it was abusive, if you have no bruises. Ask yourself this: If a stranger came in off the street and did the same thing, throwing you on the floor, what would you say? It would be assault.

Not all relationships are like this. I've been married 25 years and we have never raised a hand to each other.

You mentioned your h hurting himself if you said you were going to leave. Well, let him. He won't. He might threaten to, to keep you under his control, but he won't. And he's responsible for his own actions, nobody else.

The first night your baby was at home, he slammed the door so hard that it woke her. That's the night that everyone should be tiptoeing around, marvelling at the new life you have created, shushing each other, trying to be dead quiet. That shows you what your h thinks. Perhaps he was jealous that your attention had been taken by the baby.

OP, you deserve better than this.

Regularsizedrudy · 02/03/2022 11:51

Please tell the hospital, they will be able to help. Good luck op

fortheloveofcheesecake · 02/03/2022 12:31

Hope today goes okay OP...tell the hospital. They will help you. You're so brave and are standing up for yourself and your child. Your mum didn't do it for you but you are. Well done x

Original poster
stripepip · 02/03/2022 12:56

Does anyone know if I tell the hospital will they take action?
I haven't even told my partner how I am feeling yetSad

OP posts:
PrawnofthePatriarchy · 02/03/2022 12:59

Early in our marriage DH told me that if a woman can't quarrel with her bloke without fearing he may use his greater strength against her they might as well forget the whole relationship. You have the right to feel safe with your partner.

You are so brave and you're doing entirely the right thing.
Flowers

Embracelife · 02/03/2022 13:29

Tell the hospital

You don't need to tell him until you and baby are in a safe place

Them it is his responsibility to seek support fir himself. Or advice. His. Not yours.

You have you amd baby to look after.
If he threatens to kill himself pass the messages to police
So only communicate via text or whatsapp or email so there is a record

CaMePlaitPas · 02/03/2022 13:44

OP, if he hurts himself as a result of you leaving a) you'll know that he is a controlling abusive arsehole and b) it is absolutely better than him hurting you and/or your 6 week old.

I know this is scary but you are absolutely doing the right thing for your physical and mental health. And for your daughter you are breaking the cycle of being around abusive men who think they can dominate you, you're giving her a peaceful future, full of love.

Icouldabeenalawyer · 02/03/2022 14:19

Thinking of you OP 💐 Hope you got the ball rolling at your appt

Nomorescreentime · 02/03/2022 14:36

Hi OP, did you get to the hospital appointment today yet? Don’t worry about telling them about this. They’ll know exactly what to do.

Your mum isn’t supporting you in the way she should be, so you need to grab support from other places now. Your midwife, your health visitor, they will be able to give you lots of help and support. They won’t judge you or tell you to just get on with it.

You’ve spent your whole life around men who treat you badly, you have a chance here to finally realise how sad and unfair that is and to change things for your daughter. This isn’t the end of everything for you, it’s just the beginning. You need to get away from this an OP but you deserve to ask for help doing that Flowers

Original poster
stripepip · 02/03/2022 16:25

I haven't made it to hospital. There wasn't anywhere at all for me to park and my baby needed feeding so I came home.
I've since spoken to my mother again and she still believes that I need to look at the bigger picture and speak to him or give him another chance.
This is confusing me so much. I've left my baby with her and I'm just going to drive. I don't know where to but I'm so upset and confused

OP posts:
Ogham · 02/03/2022 17:31

This is very worrying OP. Please call into the police station and get advice from them - do NOT talk to your partner unaccompanied.
Or go back to the hospital with your baby and ask to speak with the social worker there.
Don’t leave baby with your mom, sounds like she’d hand her back to her dad.
Your mom is undermining you and your feelings. The “bigger picture” here is more violence.
You sound lovely and like your head is screwed on, you KNOW this is wrong, so stop letting your mother undermine you. You cannot waste your One precious life in a relationship like this. Get out now while you still can.

Bluetrews25 · 02/03/2022 17:33

Sweetheart your mum is WRONG.
You need to get away now, not wait for him to beat you hard and then get away. Pushing you over is violence, and plenty on here will tell you it gets worse, much worse.
You mum might be used to being a punchbag, but don't let it happen to you or your daughter will think that this is what a relationship looks like (as you do) and the cycle starts again.
Save your daughter from this future. Save your daughter's mother (you) too.