Please help me, what was this? *DV TRIGGER WARNING*

[stripepip]

I have name changed for this

My partner is amazing. So kind and generous who always has my best interest at heart.
However tonight, he grabbed me and pushed me to the floor onto my stomach and I don't know how to feel.
He was changing our 6 week old daughter after she had been sick and I think the stress of life, me having a panic attack and the sick situation threw him over the edge.
He was hitting himself and threw a baby grow. I said leave the room please as I was protecting my daughter and he came over, said don't tell me what to do and pushed me onto the floor.
He says now he was aiming for the bed - does that make it better?
I don't think I have any marks on me, so is it bad?
I'm confused. This man who is so gentle has done this. I'm not sure what to do or how I feel.
He's upset that I now won't let him hold my daughter, I'm just scared.
I feel afraid now

OP - how abusive do you think he has to be before you leave?

Exactly kind of abuse would you recommend your daughter or friend tolerates before they leave? Why is it so different with you? I think your main emotional problem right now is that you're confused and upset, but you're not yet as angry as you should be about what's happened. The way he treated you the first day you came back with your baby is awful.

OP - this will happen again. Your OH isn't a nice person. To do what he did to you isn't what a nice person does. I've been in your shoes and it will happen again and again. Every time you justify his behaviour it just gives ammunition for them to do it again.

Yes it is scary knowing you're walking away and will lose friends but you have got to put yourself and you child first. I'm glad to read you have contacted Womens aid, I never had the courage to do that. I wish now that I had, you become blinkered to the crap they 'occasionally' put you through because it's ok and most of the time they're a good person.

Please get out and walk away from this situation.

@stripepip

For context, we are both 22. In my previous relationship, I was controlled and hurt so much that that's what I thought was normal. I have had therapy for this and ended up with bad anxiety and OCD, so I think that doesn't help with me being so almost casual about it all. It's all I really know. My mother also seems to think this isn't a big deal either. I've been called dramatic all my life and I'm worried that's what I'm being now. I realise it now, but I didn't think I needed to speak to Women's Aid or anything.

I guess in my mind my situation isn't even that bad and I honestly thought that maybe 60/70% of relationships would be like this.

In response to posts, he isn't like this with anyone else.

Can I ask how you grew up. Did you witness any abuse to your mum growing up? Usually we have generational abuse where it carries on through children. If you witnessed abuse as a child it will be normalised to you. But this behaviour is not normal and healthy loving relationships aren't like this. You can break free from the cycle and make sure your child never has to go through this.

My well thought of ex slapped me once after we married. He was over tired, stressed and emotional. I let it slide.

The next time he left me for dead.

I’d been with him years before that and didn’t see anything like it coming at the time. Looking back though? The signs were there.

Justifying his actions by saying he was aiming to push you on the bed? Dreadful.

You posted here. You know this isn’t how it is supposed to be.

Best wishes going forward. You can do this

What were you having a panic attack about OP before he pushed you?

He just sees a red mist and reacts

And next time he kills you or causes brain damage in your baby
Tell your h v
Ask for support

Please don't listen to your mum, you are in awful situation and as a mother I can't understand why yr mum is minimising it! Please get out as soon as you can, you and your baby deserve to be treated better than this.

Take care of yourself and your baby

@SheldonesqueTheBstard

My well thought of ex slapped me once after we married. He was over tired, stressed and emotional. I let it slide.

The next time he left me for dead.

I’d been with him years before that and didn’t see anything like it coming at the time. Looking back though? The signs were there.

Justifying his actions by saying he was aiming to push you on the bed? Dreadful.

You posted here. You know this isn’t how it is supposed to be.

Best wishes going forward. You can do this

Wow :/ That's quite an escalation. If you don't mind me asking, what signs did he display, looking back? I think women would have much to learn from experiences like yours.

@SheldonesqueTheBstard

You have to leave him and keep yourself and baby safe. Call women’s aid and contact the police to get him out.

If you're marked, it's assault.

Its assault with or without Marks to be honest. Can you imagine what that force would do to a child

Please reconsider and let him go. Please don't wait and see. Its very hard to take that first step but please speak to someone

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Please know that it isn't aceptable for your DP to ever touch you like that. There is no situation where you can shrug it off, but certainly not after 6 weeks of having a baby; your body is still healing.

You say your DP is lovely and kind, but you also say it's not the first time he's pushed you. It may well be due to the stress/lack of sleep that comes with a newborn, but that doesn't make it okay. How do you know he won't shake your DC when he's stressed next?

I would leave if my husband laid a hand on me, especially if I had a child that could be at the mercy of one of their rages. However, before I made such a move, I'd want to know why. Has something happened at work? Has he been made redundant? In debt? Is he depressed? Worried about his health? Found a lump?

That's not to say any of those scenarios make it acceptable, of course! But it would make the difference between me leaving and never looking back, or leaving but demand he sees a counsellor/doctor/get anger management with view of trying again when he gets his shit together. It'd have to be something extreme for me to consider staying, and even then it certainly wouldn't be under the same roof. You and your child come first.

Lastly... makes no difference if you're pushed to the floor, bed, wardrobe, roundabout (okay, I'm speaking from personal experience here on the last two) - you deserve better, and so does your DC. x

Does he have some sort of additional needs?
Hitting himself as a sign of distress and then flipping like that is why I’m asking.
You need to feel safe in your home of course but I’m wondering if there’s some help he needs that he’s not yet had.

@stripepip

For context, we are both 22. In my previous relationship, I was controlled and hurt so much that that's what I thought was normal. I have had therapy for this and ended up with bad anxiety and OCD, so I think that doesn't help with me being so almost casual about it all. It's all I really know. My mother also seems to think this isn't a big deal either. I've been called dramatic all my life and I'm worried that's what I'm being now. I realise it now, but I didn't think I needed to speak to Women's Aid or anything.

I guess in my mind my situation isn't even that bad and I honestly thought that maybe 60/70% of relationships would be like this.

In response to posts, he isn't like this with anyone else.

Oh, lovely :(

Well done for making the first move in seeking help; that takes a lot of strength and I'm super proud of you xx

The situation may not feel bad to you as it's 'just' a shove - for now. But it will escalate. It always does. And I promise you, you will find someone deserving of you, who treats you well, and when you do, you will come to realise that 60/70% of relationships are not like this. I think it's 15%, but that is still a horribly high amount.

Your DC will learn from your cues and follow your patterns; you are a fantastic mother and role model for making this move and teaching her you don't have to endure abuse, physcial or emotional.

Always here if you need someone to chat to. x

Op the fact that you’re even having to say ‘if he dared lay a finger on my baby…’ shows it’s crossed your mind that he could. He slammed a door the night you came home after giving birth and now this behaviour last night? Seems to me that he feels threatened by the presence of the baby. Op that’s really worrying. You’re probably overtired too and it’s hard to think straight.

I know it was an escalation.

I had the audacity to question him.

And that was that.

The signs before we were married? Not wanting me to go out without him. Interrupting conversations if he wasn’t included. Reading letters/opening post. Being unhappy with my choice of friends - eventually isolating me. Same old story. Not saying sorry when wrong. Me keeping the peace. Trying not to make him angry.

It is easy to see how I altered my behaviour to settle him but I just didn’t see it at the time - living it was my normal.

This isn't acceptable so you need to get him out (or yourself and baby). If you are afraid of him you can't bring up your dd together.

If he was hitting himself he sounds troubled and could really do with some help before his violence escalates (either towards himself or you/dc). Whatever happens going forward, insist he gets help before you will communicate with him. You share a child so he needs to deal with what happened. Ultimately this is about keeping you and dd safe.

Please leave. You deserve better and so
does your daughter. This will escalate. Take all of the help and support you will get. It will be OK 💐

Thank you everyone for your help and advice. It's really helping me talking on here as I seem to have no one in person to talk to. With my mum thinking I should stay, I have nobody to confide in.

I was left with no marks..does that still mean assault? I'm sorry. I feel so naive and uneducated but this is normal to me and it's overwhelming to realise everything is about to change in my life.

My mum does have tendencies to minimise everything to take the easy route. She'll be worried about social services getting involved and my baby being taken away. She just likes to sweep things under the rug.

@Blossomtree12
Growing up, my dad was absent. My stepdad was very shouty and used to hit us regularly but my mum blames this on how he was bought up. I never witnessed my mum at the hands of any abuse but I was always around problems with men etc. Since 14 I had been seeing different people and that's all I've really known.

I know he loves our daughter and myself, so that's what I feel really awful about. I know I have to leave and I am going to but I'm feeling completely awful about hurting him. He's going to be heartbroken.

I have a hospital appointment later as my daughter has reflux..can I mention it all there? I'm scared to and not sure it's the best place.

Also, I'm very worried about telling him that I have to leave. I won't have my daughter with me in case it escalates but what if he gets angry at me? Or he hurts himself? I know that one of these things will probably happen so I'm trying to work out the best way to tell him

Absolutely tell them at the Dr.

Do not under any circumstance tell your partner you are leaving. Get your child, get your paperwork and tell him afterwards. Better yet as for someone from the police to be there.
If he threatens to harm himself you can request a welfare check.

Yes you can be assaulted without there being marks.
Yes you should tell the hospital that you need help.
Yes he might be 'sad' if you leave but he will also be angry.
He has NO RIGHT to hurt you or make you afraid in your home.
He is NOT a good man. Good men do not hurt you and do not make you afraid of them.
He will get worse.
You deserve so much more than this and so does your daughter.
Sending you strength and support tomorrow in taking the first steps to get away from this abusive man. Remember you did nothing wrong, you and your daughter have a right to be safe. Good luck.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I understand you're confused and probably exhausted. But there's a lot of good advice here. He's crossed a boundary and his behaviour will escalate. You've said in your own words that it started with slamming doors and has moved to pushing and shoving. He will hit you soon. Please leave now and protect yourself and your daughter. You're in danger.

With due respect to your mum, her advice is awful and might explain in part why you've been in abusive relationships before.

Please seek advice about leaving. There is support out there and you can do it. Your daughter will thank you for it.

Just saw your update OP. Well done on deciding to leave! That's brilliant of you. Definitely raise it with your GP. That's a great idea.
I'm so sorry that you've experienced so much violence and pain throughout your life. Well done you for ensuring your daughter won't. You're protecting her in the way your mother should have protected you. In doing so youre ensuring your daughter will never think it's normal for a man to hurt her. That's a gift you're giving her.

He won’t be heartbroken when you leave him. He will very quickly find another poor frightened victim who he will enjoy knocking about.

He doesn’t love you or your child. Would you be violent to someone you loved? No, of course you wouldn’t. Would you be violent to the mother of a tiny baby? No, of course you wouldn’t.

Don’t worry about him hurting himself, that’s all just a bit of play acting to make you feel sorry for him, and to make you feel that the awful things that are happening are all your fault.

You are only 22, you have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t let him destroy you @stripepip.