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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me, what was this? *DV TRIGGER WARNING*

185 replies

stripepip · 28/02/2022 04:06

I have name changed for this

My partner is amazing. So kind and generous who always has my best interest at heart.
However tonight, he grabbed me and pushed me to the floor onto my stomach and I don't know how to feel.
He was changing our 6 week old daughter after she had been sick and I think the stress of life, me having a panic attack and the sick situation threw him over the edge.
He was hitting himself and threw a baby grow. I said leave the room please as I was protecting my daughter and he came over, said don't tell me what to do and pushed me onto the floor.
He says now he was aiming for the bed - does that make it better?
I don't think I have any marks on me, so is it bad?
I'm confused. This man who is so gentle has done this. I'm not sure what to do or how I feel.
He's upset that I now won't let him hold my daughter, I'm just scared.
I feel afraid nowSad

OP posts:
NativityDreaming · 01/03/2022 17:51

The truth is simple, he assaulted you, multiple times by your update, and that it not acceptable. Next time you might have your baby in your arms when it happens. He is in the wrong. This is not your fault.

You need to protect yourself and your baby. You have no responsibility of or to him. Get yourself safe, call the police.

This man is a danger to you and your baby.

TedMullins · 01/03/2022 17:53

It doesn’t matter if he’s overtired or having a psychotic break - he is violent and you’re not safe. I don’t think there is a justifiable reason for this, though - he’s probably just plain abusive. Abusers aren’t horrible all the time it no one would end up in relationships with them! Just because he’s been nice at other times does NOT cancel this out. You need to leave for your baby’s sake.

Feelingoktoday · 01/03/2022 17:55

Op. Please listen to the posters above. No one should be pushing you to the ground. You have just had a baby. You are so vulnerable. Every local authority is receiving govt funding for DV support. Please contact your authority, for example my Council has Sateeda on the premises plus a DV officer in the homelessness team. Please speak to someone.

Ramalamadingdongs · 01/03/2022 17:59

Next time he might just go for the baby instead. What if she cries, and he's "tired" so he puts her down too hard, or shakes her? Or what if he pushes you while you're holding her. Who do you love more, him or your baby?

Speak to womens aid, speak to someone better than your mum. Tell everyone what he's done.

mamaoffourdc · 01/03/2022 18:00

So twice he has pushed you! TWICE! Once was more than enough!

IsThePopeCatholic · 01/03/2022 18:03

Even if you’re not worried about yourself, you should be very concerned about what he could do to your daughter. You have a duty to protect her. Leave.

Original poster
stripepip · 01/03/2022 18:04

Okay, I have followed advice and spoken to women's aid. They gave me many resources and helped me realise it is abusive behaviour.

PP saying about my child would be taken into care if they knew I stayed in a dangerous environment has really put it into perspective.

I'm scared to leave. It's all I know and we have mutual friends etc. so I'll lose everything. I'm overwhelmed and scared he will see this thread as he knows I have Mumsnet.

I think the reason I am so reluctant is because A) I have this weird thing in my mind that it isn't abusive enough for me to leave and
B) he's so nice 99% of the time and I know he didn't do it meaning to hurt me. He just sees a red mist and reacts. He knows it's wrong which is what confused me

I know what I have to do, but I'm so scared and upset about it. I will take action tomorrow.

The advice I'd give my daughter is to get the fuck out of there, so i have to do this otherwise I am a hypocrite and setting a really bad example

OP posts:
Tarne · 01/03/2022 18:05

Fact: Two women a week think just as you do and get murdered by their partners.

After prison and during his time there from murdering you, your partner would be eligible for contact with his child.

This scenario is played out by 2 families every week in this country.

Mother in law takes her dead daughter in law's child to the prison for visiting times.

You, like the other women who are now just statistics, have a fantasy about how much their love of their life would never really hurt them.

Only they do. It is very common.

Do you want to be another statistic? Do you honestly think it won't happen to you when you know all the signs are there?
www.theguardian.com
The 81 women killed in 28 weeks | Sarah Everard

www.weforum.org › 2020/11
As the UK publishes its first census of women killed by ...

WaitingToExhale · 01/03/2022 18:09

Please pack up your baby and move to your mums. Don't marry him. "An amazing man" would not do this.

Original poster
stripepip · 01/03/2022 18:10

I'm worried about what rights I'd have with my daughter and how to navigate this legally

OP posts:
Original poster
stripepip · 01/03/2022 18:10

Women's aid gave me links for help with this so I will research and call someone

OP posts:
Tarne · 01/03/2022 18:11

Six women are killed every hour by men around the world, most by men in their own family or their partners.
A new report shows that in the UK a woman is killed by a man every three days

EVERY 3 DAYS!!!

You are next op.

I make no apologies for frightening you if it gets you to pack up and leave NOW

ladydimitrescu · 01/03/2022 18:11

Well done op and keep talking here if it helps you - stay strong x

LIZS · 01/03/2022 18:15

Your baby is tiny, needs her mum and with dv it is unlikely he would get unsupervised access.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/03/2022 18:17

Thank God you are not married. He lost control and shown you who he is. This will happen again and again. Call the police. Get him out. For your daughter.

ChurchlightJane · 01/03/2022 18:18

You mentioned a previously abusive relationship. Do you remember the first incident that happened in that relationship and telling yourself it was a one off or feeling like it was not as bad as first thought? Use that insight here.
You and your child deserve better.

GalactatingGoddess · 01/03/2022 18:20

@stripepip

Maybe he's just over tired
He will be a lot more tired in the next couple of years, will you accept this excuse then? And repeatedly?

I'm sure you are tired, have you pushed or hit him?

Unfortunately OP he has shown his colours in a time of stress. Sure, having a baby is stressful and can push a relationship to its brink but that brink should not be abuse/violence for a child and family.

Please contact Womens Aid and Refuge, and if you feel strong enough, the Police. You have said you are afraid, listen to your instinct

LittleRed53 · 01/03/2022 18:22

OP, you said it was the sick situation, stress of life and you having a panic attack that made him lose it.

You had the panic attack before he pushed you? Was it because of his behaviour already at that point, or was your panic attack caused by something else?

I've had panic attacks, I understand how horrible they are, and the kind of emotional distress that can bring them on. I hope you're getting the support and help you need x

Campervangirl · 01/03/2022 18:22

How many times do we read on MN that a lovely, kind man has put his hands on his dp?
I'll tell you, too many fucking times.

There's no excuse op, he put his hands on you and that's assault then you post again to say he's done it before.

It doesn't matter if he was aiming for the bed, he's assaulted you, no one is supposed to put their hands on you in anger.

I know it's scary, I know it's hard when your lives are entwined, you have nowhere else to go, you have no money or support but this arsehole has assaulted you.

I hope you do leave or get help tomorrow, I'll be rooting for you ❤️

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/03/2022 18:27

My first husband startedike this. A push, then a shove, then admission into hospital, then he kicked my 5 year old son across the room after never touching him before. Then I left nobody is touching my DS. The court ordered him not to see DS until he was an adult. How would you feel if he got over tired one day and shook your baby to death?

me4real · 01/03/2022 18:28

This isn't the first time. I've been pushed on the bed by him before

I have spoken to my mother and she seems to think it's fine this time, but if it happens again I should leave.

It's already not the first time it happened though @stripepip Sad

I know he didn't do it meaning to hurt me

Oh he did mean it. No oe throws/pushes someone without meaning to hurt them.

AdaColeman · 01/03/2022 18:29

He is so nice 99% of the time because he knows that will fool you into staying with him.
If he showed his nasty abusive real persona 99% of the time you would never have got into a relationship with him would you?

He did do it meaning to hurt you.
That's why he's doing it now you have a tiny baby, because he knows it will so very frightening for you.

He just sees a red mist and reacts Does he see a red mist and react when his mates down the pub, or his boss say something he doesn't like? No. I thought not.
He can control himself when in anger, but he chooses not to control himself with you, because he knows you are weaker than him, and it's easy to frighten you. And he likes and enjoys that.

Yes, he knows that it's wrong, but he likes it. He likes the power that it gives him over you. The violence will increase, probably very rapidly. Your Mother is putting you in real danger by telling you stay with him.

I hope you leave him, and stay safe @stripepip.

Dwrcegin · 01/03/2022 18:39

OP I know of a few children who have become LAC because the Mother refused to leave her stressed/drunk/drugged up, violent husband/partner. Most of them ended up adopted.

Social services will not hesitate to begin care proceedings when a baby is witnessing violence. Please, for your baby's sake, phone the police now.

CambsAlways · 01/03/2022 18:39

So he’s pushed you twice! Well I’ve never been pushed by an overtired husband and had four children! I don’t understand why it was fine the first time he laid his hands on you jeez! He’s assaulted you! Do you really want to bring up a child in all this!

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