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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me, what was this? *DV TRIGGER WARNING*

185 replies

stripepip · 28/02/2022 04:06

I have name changed for this

My partner is amazing. So kind and generous who always has my best interest at heart.
However tonight, he grabbed me and pushed me to the floor onto my stomach and I don't know how to feel.
He was changing our 6 week old daughter after she had been sick and I think the stress of life, me having a panic attack and the sick situation threw him over the edge.
He was hitting himself and threw a baby grow. I said leave the room please as I was protecting my daughter and he came over, said don't tell me what to do and pushed me onto the floor.
He says now he was aiming for the bed - does that make it better?
I don't think I have any marks on me, so is it bad?
I'm confused. This man who is so gentle has done this. I'm not sure what to do or how I feel.
He's upset that I now won't let him hold my daughter, I'm just scared.
I feel afraid nowSad

OP posts:
NewYearNewMinty · 05/03/2022 12:27

@stripepip have you told your mum about the other incidents?

My XH had anger management therapy at the same time as I was going through PND. He stopped after 2 sessions as 'I wouldn't have anger problems if you didn't piss me off so much'.

It took me 11 years to leave him...don't be me and waste all that time, and get to a point where your precious daughter is aware of what's going on.

You both deserve so much better Flowers.

Felicity42 · 05/03/2022 13:08

It's been swept under the carpet because your it seems your Mum has dismissed it and encouraged you to sweep it under the carpet.
I wonder have you learned from her that women should excuse men's anger with 'he's stressed, he's tired - oh the poor love'.

If so, that's minimising behaviour by a woman who sees men as being better than women and that we need to be the servants of men and be containers and punchbags for men's anger.

Sorry but your Mum may be great in some ways, but this part of her is not a good role model for your and your daughter. You cannot trust her advice on this particular topic.

She's not in your shoes and you are not your mother.

There's a pattern here. You don't want to go against what your mother says and you don't want to go against him.

Needing to have someone tell you what to do, much as you find that reassuring, it keeps putting you into the child place and keeps you in the place of feeling like you are not in charge of your own life.

But there is another part of you that has asked for help. That knows her own mind and that she needs to choose another path. Look to your adult self and find that power to make the decision to help stand up for yourself and your daughter.

Have you any support in real life besides your mother?

Original poster
stripepip · 06/03/2022 08:51

It's weird and annoying because I've always walked around saying I'll never let a man hurt me yet it's what I've done my whole life. I walk around thinking I'm so strong but I must not be strong at all after all Sad
There must be some deep rooted issues here.

OP posts:
Original poster
stripepip · 06/03/2022 08:52

@Felicity42

No support apart from my mother really. Our friends are all mutual and my family is much the same as my mother

OP posts:
nodogz · 06/03/2022 09:30

@stripepip Just came in to share something that I didn't learn until I was 20 years older than you.

The "ideal" anything doesn't exist. The dating, baby, marriage pipeline doesn't guarantee happiness. Often it's just society's expectation that locks us in to a particular pathway. It's ok to step outside those things if they aren't working for you. And once you step outside you can see the rules dont really benefit anyone.

So....

The practicalities of leaving: you'll cope
Setting up a new life: you'll cope
Doing all the kid-min: you'll cope (you'd do it all anyway!)
Telling people: you'll cope
Finding the boundaries to ensure the cycle stops with you: you'll cope
Seeing you're innocent in this: you'll get there
Having a future not based on fear: you'll get there
Having future relationships, children, career, travel etc: you'll get there

He could have controlled himself.
You would have controlled yourself.
You and the baby deserve more than this - we believe in you xx

Orgasmagorical · 06/03/2022 09:58

Well said and so true, nodogz.

I walk around thinking I'm so strong but I must not be strong at all after all

I was the same, I always thought I was the strong one in my marriage. I now know that. People who abuse do it because they are weak. You are strong, don't ever doubt that.

There must be some deep rooted issues here.

The main issue is with your abuser, obviously, but if your mother is of the opinion that an abuser should be given however many other chances, minimises your reaction to him abusing you and blames anything else but the abuser, it's little wonder you don't really know any different. I was the same, similar upbringing. But I know different now, there is life after it all. There will be for you and your daughter. Now is the time to take the fork in the road that leads to a different life for her.

I'll say it again, you are strong. Keep a hold of that strength as you protect yourself and your baby, as you take the small steps that lead to the big leap, as you take any professional support that is offered, as you seek it out - that strength will see you and your little one through. You'll get there Flowers

OFFREDOFFSTUART · 06/03/2022 10:17

Sweetheart- I've been here. It won't get better, and like you I made excuses for him. It took me eight years to leave.

Original poster
stripepip · 06/03/2022 10:21

These messages are so kind. Thank you so much. Talking here is giving me so much strength and comfort as well as support that I don't have in person

OP posts:
Original poster
stripepip · 06/03/2022 10:21

It's really comforting to know that I'm not alone

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 06/03/2022 10:28

You feel very alone in such a situation, I know, but there is help in RL and we are always here, stripepip Flowers

notapizzaeater · 06/03/2022 10:38

You need to speak to someone else, health visitor ? Doctor ? Without realising your behaviour will have changed, you will be trying not to upset him. You shouldn't need to change you should feel safe !

Thestreets · 06/03/2022 12:12

I could have written your exact post, 12 years down the line and I've finally found the courage last night to call the police after years of escalating. I'm lucky to be alive. Don't be me.

Ogham · 06/03/2022 13:31

I hope you’re ok @Thestreets and you get all the help and support you deserve 💐

mumpea · 06/03/2022 13:55

Sadly men like this don't change and abuse gets worse not better you being with him is bad for your mental health and your daughters.
Men that lay a hand on any woman is wrong tired, upset etc is no excuse.
You deserve a much more.
Sadly one woman every 3 days dies in the Uk due to domestic violence.
Please leave him find a safe house.

Orgasmagorical · 06/03/2022 14:26

Well done, Thestreets, the only way is up now Flowers

Original poster
stripepip · 07/03/2022 13:24

@Thestreets
I hope you're okay Thanks you're an inspiration to me Smile

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 07/03/2022 18:44

How are you doing, stripepip?

Jux · 07/03/2022 19:00

Stripepip, it take a while to process and it's always a shock which usually sends one into retreat. Don't worry, you're responding normally to the idea, so take your time, but don't let yourself brush it under the carpet. Be aware.

You're doing fine. Star

Original poster
stripepip · 08/03/2022 09:41

@Orgasmagorical
I am doing okay thank you. I have finally started to process and understand what's happened so I'm making small steps to get sorted.
Today I am telling my mum my decision and not listening to her opinion! That's a big step for me because I'm going against her advice which could cause some tension maybe

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 08/03/2022 10:08

I hope your mum respects your decision, stripepip, and offers her support. Keep strong and don't doubt yourself Flowers

AgathaX · 08/03/2022 10:57

Well done on telling your mum. There may be tension, but this is absolutely the right thing to do and your mum is just going to have to accept that or learn to keep her dangerous opinions to herself.

Lubeyboobyalt · 08/03/2022 11:01

your mother is wrong and your partner is NOT lovely - he's following a pretty classic abuser pattern to be honest

Don't let your child grow up to witness this treatment as normal or experience it herself. Don't.

Ogham · 08/03/2022 20:32

It is a lot to process and well done on not sweeping it under the carpet. I hope you get all the support you need x

Jux · 08/03/2022 23:47

Just remember that your mum herself said if it 'happens again' and this time is the 'again' she was talking about.

Jux · 08/03/2022 23:50

TBH, I'd say your mum is scared of the unknown. We all are, when big changes are afoot we all feel tense and worried and I think this is what she's feeling. It is a big thing and she doesn't know what will happen any more than you do, and she wants you to be happy and she thought you would be but you're not and she's helpless. I hope she manages to come out of her brainfog and can support you. No matter how hard and scary it is for her, it is more so for you, and she'll get that, I'm sure she will.