Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me, what was this? *DV TRIGGER WARNING*

185 replies

stripepip · 28/02/2022 04:06

I have name changed for this

My partner is amazing. So kind and generous who always has my best interest at heart.
However tonight, he grabbed me and pushed me to the floor onto my stomach and I don't know how to feel.
He was changing our 6 week old daughter after she had been sick and I think the stress of life, me having a panic attack and the sick situation threw him over the edge.
He was hitting himself and threw a baby grow. I said leave the room please as I was protecting my daughter and he came over, said don't tell me what to do and pushed me onto the floor.
He says now he was aiming for the bed - does that make it better?
I don't think I have any marks on me, so is it bad?
I'm confused. This man who is so gentle has done this. I'm not sure what to do or how I feel.
He's upset that I now won't let him hold my daughter, I'm just scared.
I feel afraid nowSad

OP posts:
FavouritePi · 02/03/2022 17:55

Does your mum know that he pushed you when you came home from the hospital as well and this time is not the first time?

Her painting you as dramatic during your life is why you are questioning yourself and saying you need to look at 'the bigger picture' is wrong. The bigger picture is potentially more violence. Social services would support you and prefer you leave this man.

Orgasmagorical · 02/03/2022 18:07

@stripepip

Does anyone know if I tell the hospital will they take action? I haven't even told my partner how I am feeling yetSad
Please do not tell him how you are feeling. The only thing it will do is put you in more danger. He might pretend to be on his best behaviour for a short while but you will be punished once he's sure you're 'back where you belong', as he will see it.

Your mum is not helping. There are many, many posters on here with very similar experiences who are in much better places now, please listen to us. We can all see the bigger picture without any emotions and we are all telling you the same thing.

I know it's shocking and a huge amount to take in when the person you thought you knew and loved turns out to be someone completely different. The one who lost his temper whilst changing your baby is the real him. Just think about that, he was changing your baby when he lost his temper. On this occasion it was you who got pushed but what happens if he gets angry the next time with the baby and you're not there? It will be her he takes it out on.

Please speak to Women's Aid again, try to act normal in front of him for now while you take time to gather your thoughts, but please not too long Flowers

Nomorescreentime · 02/03/2022 18:22

OP just a gentle reminder here to speak to the hospital and make another appointment for your daughter. If she’s got reflux is she being treated? I know there’s a lot in your head right now but reflux can be painful for a little one. It can also just add to the stress you are under if she’s crying more than average because of it.

Sonaftersonafterson · 02/03/2022 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Elsiebear90 · 02/03/2022 19:43

OP please don’t listen to you mother, she allowed her own children to be abused and she is allowing it again now. He has been violent with you twice now, he pushed you over 6 weeks after you’d given birth! The fact that you’re so scared of his reaction and are worried he may be violent if you tell him you’re leaving speaks volumes.

Please seek help as this will only escalate, abusers often start to get physical after their partners have a child or they get married because they know it’s harder for you to leave.

flipflopjump · 02/03/2022 19:46

@Sonaftersonafterson

I think it's a bit over the top to immediate leave him and call the police. This isn't his usual behaviour. It CAN be a one off. It doesnt ALWAYS escalate into full blown domestic violence.

You two need to discuss this. He needs to know how wrong he is, how distraught and scared you are, and discuss why it happened. Only you can decide if you can trust him again, based in your entire relationship not just this outburst.

Not excusing it. Just wouldn't automatically go full throttle.

This is really dangerous advice.
He has been violent and speaking to him about it may escalate things further.
Elsiebear90 · 02/03/2022 19:47

@Sonaftersonafterson it’s not a one off, this is the second time he has laid his hands on her, what possible excuse can he have for pushing his partner over, especially when she’s given birth 6 weeks ago? He’s violent and it will escalate, don’t make excuses for him, the next time he could kill her or the baby.

Why are you defending him? She’s clearly very scared of him and vulnerable and needs to leave ASAP.

Regularsizedrudy · 02/03/2022 19:59

@Sonaftersonafterson disgusting post. You should be ashamed

YouOweMeANewAcorn · 02/03/2022 20:11

@stripepip the bigger picture is that your DP's behaviour will not stop at shoving. My mum's partner was violent; it started off as shoving, then grabbing until he bruised her, and it ended in her being raped by him when she was heavily pregnant. In between this, I was bruised, thrown about and all sorts. He dangled my siblings out of open windows. Twenty plus years on, we all still have issues because of what we endured - this is the future you and your daughter have to look forward to if things don't change.

Your mum seems to be more focused on your living situation rather than your mental and physical wellbeing. This is the kind of thinking that ends up seeing women and children truly at risk.

Regardless of what we are all saying, you don't have to do anything if you aren't ready. The first step is to recognise there's an issue, and I think in your gut you know that there is. The next step is to sleep on it, get your thoughts together and pay attention to those red flags, be it emotional or physcial. Eventually, when you're ready, Refuge and Women's Aid will be able to give you the help you need to get out of this situation. I'd suggest having an emergency bag of stuff at your mums if you need to leave quickly.

Know you're not alone - we are behind you. xx

LIZS · 02/03/2022 20:39

If you can go to a pharmacy "Ask for Ani" and you will get support. The abuse will escalate if you do not confide in someone. If not them, your hv, gp, dv police officer.

Jux · 02/03/2022 23:00

I have spoken to my mother and she seems to think it's fine this time, but if it happens again I should leave.

Tell your mum that this IS 'again'. He's pushed you before.

You're not losing everything. You're saving the only two things which matter, you and your baby daughter.

The baby who has already witnessed violence from her dad towards her mum - the man who is there to love and protect you both has already failed to protect her, but perpetuated violence against you.

Stiffen that resolve. You can do it.

Goneblank38 · 02/03/2022 23:48

Hey OP, I know your head is swimming at the moment but I don't think you can trust your mum's judgement. She let a man beat her kids. She's telling her child to return to a man who can't control his temper and assaults her. You gather your courage and then your mum undermines you and makes you feel confused. I think your mum is bad news for you to be honest. He's already escalating and he's assaulted you twice in six weeks. He goes further each time. You know what to do. Ignore your mum and go with your gut. It's trying to protect you and your child. You know the right thing to do.

Susu49 · 03/03/2022 00:26

@LIZS

If you can go to a pharmacy "Ask for Ani" and you will get support. The abuse will escalate if you do not confide in someone. If not them, your hv, gp, dv police officer.
Oh yes, I've heard about this!

If you don't feel comfortable asking for Ani though you can ask to have a private chat with the pharmacist - most pharmacies have private consultation rooms for sensitive matters.

MunchyMonsters · 03/03/2022 00:59

OP, I hope you and your daughter are safe.

Do you need any more support ?

FartSock5000 · 03/03/2022 04:15

RED FLAGS!!

He wouldn't dare push his coworkers, pals or family so why is it okay to push you down TWICE?

Textbook behaviour from abusers to escalate during pregnancy and when you're vulnerable with a newborn.

He is a selfish pathetic man child with a temper and you deserve better!

Report him to Police and leave so there is a record that proves to Social Services you took action to keep baby safe. That record will also benefit you down the line if things get ugly.

You should be recovering from birth, safe and feeling supported not cowering afraid of setting off another tantrum from the walking shit stain you think loves you (he doesn't).

Don't accept this. Stand up for yourself and your daughter. Show her a strong, confident mother.

miraveile · 03/03/2022 05:02

What if he takes his anger out on the baby and shakes her? Do not leave her alone with him at any point. Agree you need to leave, your mum isn't a good source of advice as she stayed with a man who hit her kids. Yes it will be hard to leave but the alternative isn't worth contemplating.

Original poster
stripepip · 04/03/2022 19:50

Ahh this is really difficult Sad
Sorry, it's not that I'm not taking peoples advice. I am still processing and pretending everything is fine.
I feel like I'm not brave enough

OP posts:
Original poster
stripepip · 04/03/2022 19:50

I will get there

OP posts:
Marmelace · 04/03/2022 19:54

Are you OK in this moment?

Original poster
stripepip · 04/03/2022 20:24

@Marmelace
I am okay at the moment. Everything has been normal ever since it happened

OP posts:
Original poster
stripepip · 04/03/2022 20:25

Emotionally I am struggling with it all. I feel like it's been swept under the rug and I can't process that it ever even happened

OP posts:
Tarne · 04/03/2022 22:25

It's common to be in denial; and by not letting those who can protect your baby know means that your partner is off the hook for now as your silence helps protect him and his reputation in keeping his danger to her and you a secret.

Your priority of protecting him first and not your baby is what social services have to deal with all the time. Love for partners and denial keep children's services very busy.

He is a ticking time bomb in your house and it's so much easier to pretend it never happened isn't it? No one will blame you for this as it's easier pretending things are back to normal.

Acknowledging the danger he is to you and your daughter would be breaking the now fantasy of a sweet happy little family.

It's very hard to explain and frustrating to those outside the field as to why women don't put themselves and baby's safety first.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/03/2022 22:39

Get yourself to the freedom programme now
It’s the best thing and shows you all the red flags
He is abusive and you won’t realise it as you ate so used to it

You should call woman’s aid and be 100% honest
You know this , he cannot be around a baby

I send my very best , please be strong and make that call

Orgasmagorical · 05/03/2022 09:11

@stripepip

Emotionally I am struggling with it all. I feel like it's been swept under the rug and I can't process that it ever even happened
That's the way of it, stripepip. He will be on his best behaviour until you have put this incident towards the back of your mind, wondered how on earth this once loving man could have done such a thing, no you must be wrong, it was just a blip, he's back to normal now, it won't happen again. It will. It already has.

It takes a lot to process it, especially when you're busy with the baby, and especially when the abuser keeps your head filled with other things that don't give you time to think clearly. Please considering speaking to Women's Aid again, just to help you try and process it, that's all Flowers

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 05/03/2022 09:21

OP, your mum is wrong. I'm sorry you're not getting the support there that you need. I have no idea whether Women's Aid would be able to help you get her to understand, but you can't have her undermining your decisions and sense of what's right. Ask them if they can help you.