Please help me, what was this? *DV TRIGGER WARNING*

[stripepip]

I have name changed for this

My partner is amazing. So kind and generous who always has my best interest at heart.
However tonight, he grabbed me and pushed me to the floor onto my stomach and I don't know how to feel.
He was changing our 6 week old daughter after she had been sick and I think the stress of life, me having a panic attack and the sick situation threw him over the edge.
He was hitting himself and threw a baby grow. I said leave the room please as I was protecting my daughter and he came over, said don't tell me what to do and pushed me onto the floor.
He says now he was aiming for the bed - does that make it better?
I don't think I have any marks on me, so is it bad?
I'm confused. This man who is so gentle has done this. I'm not sure what to do or how I feel.
He's upset that I now won't let him hold my daughter, I'm just scared.
I feel afraid now

Are you going to wait until he hurts your baby? Too late then. NO dv of ANY level is acceptable. Leave and get yourselves to safety. Your child needs to be protected by you, their mum. No one else.

It’s a red flag and is really concerning. Having children can trigger or augment the expression of difficulties in someone, sometimes. Huge risk it will happen again or be worse. He is clearly struggling to cope right now and needs to seek help for himself. You need advice re domestic violence: call a helpline. You’re vulnerable.

Hi, I’ve just gone through the thread and I just wanted to say I’ve been where you are. Was never just the one time. In the end I just thought what would I want my children to do in that situation and that made me pluck up the courage to leave. And you know what it was the best division I’ve ever made! I felt like so
Much weight had lifted off me. I was happier I was free! You might think at first you will
Never be happy you will always be alone but that’s not the case. I met someone else and I’ve never been happier. You need to do what’s best for your daughter. Her growing up seeing her dad to that to her mum isn’t ok and she will see it as the norm. Just get out and be happy with your daughter she is the priority and so is your safety. Good luck x

How are you doing?

It's so worrying that you mum is minimising what's happened. But you said there was violence in your childhood, so your mother probably has a warped idea if what is normal / OK. She didn't protect you from a violent SD and now she doesn't think you need to protect your child from a violent father.

But she is wrong. He may have 'only' pushed you - twice - but that's not OK. As a pp said, if a stranger in the street pushed you to the ground would you think that was OK? I have never pushed someone to the ground my while life. And noone has ever done it to me. And I've lived through stressful situations, been 'over tired' plenty of times. It just isn't OK. It's a sign that he is willing to be physically violent towards you. He doesn't push over his boss or his friends when he's 'over tired' does he? Which means he is choosing to do it it you.

He isn't even making anything of it now. He's swept it under the carpet and is continuing as though everything's normal.

You and your daughter deserve better than to live with someone who thinks it's OK to push people over. Whether that's due to tiredness (!), anger, being plain abusive - the reason doesn't matter. He should be the person who loves you most. Who would do anything for you. Who would protect you from bad stuff. Yet he's the one you're frightened of, and who doesn't mind that he's frightened you.

Hello everyone,

Thought I'd update what's happening so far. Not only because I don't want to leave it at how it was but also it helps me by talking about it.

I'm still here. I feel really weak and I know I shouldn't be here but it's proving incredibly hard to leave. Everybody has swept it under the rug and we are going about our lives as normal. There's been no more violence, but I get scared when he's angry. I get so anxious and afraid that I could say the wrong thing and something bad will happenI feel this way when he starts getting tense and he's really tired. He tells me he's not annoyed but he is.

I've been thinking about life as a single parent and I am quite happy at the prospect so there's no issues in that regard. I am worried about him if I leave him and I am finding it really hard to pluck up the courage to tell him how I feel.

I know that this feeling of fear will never go away now, and it's not fair on me, my daughter or him anymore.

I'm sorry if anyone is disappointed. I know some will be angry at me for not leaving straight away and I do feel bad because my daughter is still at risk. It's just so incredibly hard to leave I still love him and hate to see him upset

Try to ignore the people who are critical. You have only just realised what you're living with and now you're scared and uncertain. Uncertain about how to proceed, and how the future will pan out and how he will proceed.

You are where you are. You have been amazing, not panicked, can visualise your (and your dd's) future.

You've not run, and that's how things are how whether people, or you, like it or not. Don't waste you time beating yourself up for not doing something - that can't be changed - and now you are best off making solid plans, getting your ducks in a row, as they say, and proceeding towards the future with solid roads underfoot.

Call Women's Aid and tell them that your h frightens you, that you want to leave but need help making a plan. They will support you in rl - which you will need - and guide you kindly and without judgement through what you need to do and how to go about it.

How did your mum take it? Has she brushed it under the carpet? It's sad how many mothers do this - my own amongst them. She still loves you but she is battling other fears. It can be sorted, but less important now.

Concentrate on yourself and dd. Keeping yourselves safe. You can do it

@stripepip

Hello everyone,

Thought I'd update what's happening so far. Not only because I don't want to leave it at how it was but also it helps me by talking about it.

I'm still here. I feel really weak and I know I shouldn't be here but it's proving incredibly hard to leave. Everybody has swept it under the rug and we are going about our lives as normal. There's been no more violence, but I get scared when he's angry. I get so anxious and afraid that I could say the wrong thing and something bad will happenI feel this way when he starts getting tense and he's really tired. He tells me he's not annoyed but he is.

I've been thinking about life as a single parent and I am quite happy at the prospect so there's no issues in that regard. I am worried about him if I leave him and I am finding it really hard to pluck up the courage to tell him how I feel.

I know that this feeling of fear will never go away now, and it's not fair on me, my daughter or him anymore.

I'm sorry if anyone is disappointed. I know some will be angry at me for not leaving straight away and I do feel bad because my daughter is still at risk. It's just so incredibly hard to leave I still love him and hate to see him upset

Hi @stripepip and thanks for the update.

First of all I want to say that you don’t sound weak at all. Your post shows a lot of strength and insight. You have understood what the violence was about - which’s was to instil fear and give him control over you.

Some women don’t work that out for months, years or even decades.

But you have correctly identified that you will always be afraid of him hurting you or you DD and you will always be anxious. It will be a lot worse when she is a toddler and you can’t “ make “ her behave / whatever. You will never be able to trust him again. You know that as soon as you step out of line, there will be an “ incident “ to show you who is boss.

I don’t think there’s any point in telling him how you feel. He won’t listen and he will more than likely verbally attack you or threaten you.

It’s much safer to make your plans to leave and then tell him when they are all in place . The most dangerous time for you and your baby is when you are leaving.

I understand that you still love him. But now you need to put your own safety and that of your baby ahead of your feelings. I’m sorry, I know it’s hard but you need help to draw up a plan for leaving and others in RL who will support you.

Have you identified who these people are and confided in them ?

@stripepip - you haven't disappointed anyone, and I doubt anyone is mad at you. If anything, I'm proud of you.

This is your decision to make, and it's an extremely difficult one. You've made massive steps in acknowledging it isn't acceptable to be treated like this, and admitting that you are frightened. Some people don't even get this far.

It's okay if it takes some time to build up the strength to leave. You haven't done anything wrong, and you are braver than you give yourself credit for - it takes more courage to stay than to leave in some respects.

I very much hope that you find a safe space so you can heal and focus on yourself and your daughter, but in the meantime, the most important thing you can do is be kind to yourself and make sure you know where to go if you have to leave with little warning.

Take care xx

Ignore your mum, she’s fucked up saying you should stay.

Living a life being scared everyday… that’s no way to live and your kid will see what’s happening in time.

My ex became verbally abusive after we had kids. The dynamics changed and he hated the bond I had with the kids. We split up before it became violent, but it was on the cards. He was the kindest man I've ever met, but only because he always had my full attention. There are some people who absolutely hate being second best. And when it happens, the hatred starts. Took a good few years for me to realise. Hope you get the support you need. Take it step by step and slowly but surely. Get your ducks in a row and then go.