My ex is an "Every other weekend dad"

[CM82]

My ex, who left about 6 years ago, used to take our two around four/five times a week, pay me £500 a month, bought me a car, let me keep the family allowance and even when I had my new boyfriend move in a few months after he left, he was OK with it until 3 years ago when the company he owned went into liquidation. He also started seeing a girl around this time. I noticed he was more stressed than ever, had to downsize his car and move into a smaller flat. Now he works full time and lives with his girlfriend. He only takes our two every other weekend and thinks £300 is enough in child support. He told me that with bills and back debt after his company went burst, he is struggling a lot. I think its his girlfriend - but our children adore her so what can I do? She works from home and when I've asked him if she can take the children after school a few times a week (he works long hours), he told me it is not her responsibility to watch our children. I work 3 days a week but I need some time to myself aswell.

He also gave the children mobile phones at Christmas (even though I said no because I think they are too young) so they can contact him anytime. I always let them call or text their dad on my phone.

Has anyone got any advice on what to do about this?

@Mistressiggi

Nonsense. Seeing your dc every fortnight only because your job changed is something only a father would do.

The ex is working and getting home at 7.

Many men would like to work a day less a week. I know I would. The financial support isn't there to do so. We don't have the luxury of being propped up by the state.

Ohhh @mistressiggi if you could let my mother know that, would be fab, seeing as she fucked off with her affair partner when I was a kid and leaving me with my father. Oh that was after leaving me ina room daily by myself at 7 years old while she went to work/ saw her boyfriend before my dad got custody.

And she's not the only woman to leave her kids, so let's not get too cocky about it only being something a man would do

Anyone can apply for flexible working Casper, not just people with ovaries.
@baileys6904 you're making a general point based on something I've said specific to the situation described in the OP. I can't think of very many women who are divorced saying I have to work more hours now so the dc won't be with me any week day. Yet it seems acceptable when it's a man (for the sake of clarity, I don't think it's acceptable for either parent)

😂😂😂

In 20 years time, your children will be posting on here about how hard it was growing up in a household like yours

That's actually a really nasty comment @Sugarplumfairy65
You should ask to have that withdrawn

@Mistressiggi

That's actually a really nasty comment *@Sugarplumfairy65* You should ask to have that withdrawn

Its true though. How many posts do we see on here from people who've grown up like this? People who go lc or even nc because of their childhoods?

@Mistressiggi

Anyone can apply for flexible working Casper, not just people with ovaries. *@baileys6904* you're making a general point based on something I've said specific to the situation described in the OP. I can't think of very many women who are divorced saying I have to work more hours now so the dc won't be with me any week day. Yet it seems acceptable when it's a man (for the sake of clarity, I don't think it's acceptable for either parent)

If I went from 5 to 4 days a week I go from comfortable to just covering the bills and little money to do things with the kids when I have them. The ex would also get less money in maintenance. It's not straightforward and there aren't easy answers. Just trying to make what you think is the best decision.

You also made a comment stating its only something Father's would do and baileys has pointed out it's not. You started with a general comment.

@mistressgiggi how is ' something only a father would do' specific only to the OP?

Its not.

You generalised and can't even own it.
If a bloke wrote soemthing negative and said ' that's something only women would do' you'd soon have something to say about it, so let's not pretend that all women are angels and born ideal parents.

Ok, I'll make a correction.
Seeing your dc every fortnight only because your job changed is something only a father would do 99% of the time

@mistressiggi again, bullshit. And that statement says as much about you as a bloke saying a women's place is in the kitchen. Well done, that's some doing

You are working and live with a partner and two children. You are in the same position as many other people. In addition, you get EOW without the children and £300 in maintenance, which is just above what he has to give you. You also say that he is a decent man, paid more when he could, and that your dc love his gf.

So I don't think this is really about your own situation, which really isn't so bad, but about comparing your life to his. I think comparison is always a mistake and to be avoided wherever possible.

If your children are happy with the current EOW arrangement then I would be happy too.

And his gf does not have to offer you respite, and you do not have any right to complain about the food they are given at his house. If you are feeding them healthily on the other 12 days, they will be fine. he may have opinions on some of the decisions you make for them at your house too.

The usual bun fight.
Usual unpleasantness.

People just love “calling people out”.

People with too much time on their hands. And too few brain cells.
Throw in a bit of faux-feminist outrage.

Put in smartphone at Gas Mark 9 and serve with liberal helpings of Mumsnet.

Peace ✌️.

@Mistressiggi

I fail to see why the dad getting a full time job means he gets to hand back his care of his children for 5 days a week. Why can't he sort out arrangements so he would then see his children in the evening once a week? It seems odd to me that so many posters are quite so critical of the mother in this scenario and think fatherhood equals £300 a month and two days a fortnight. We need to expect more from men.

100%!!!!!!!

I'm going to try to convey a few messages here:

(1) Take advice here in mums net with a pinch of salt. Lots of people on here think that it's ok to not only give advice but hand down personal judgement on your character. Trust me, these people are the real d*cks and are projecting that on you.

(2) Practically, there is pretty much F all you can do in this situation. No you can't make your exs gf take the kids and its definitely not her responsibility to. Personally, I think its your exs responsibility to have them 50% of the time because that should be the basis of any split after a divorce unless there is agreement or reason not to (isnt that what gender equality is about??). Unfortunately I know from experience that whilst your ex has a RIGHT to see the kids, the law states that he has no RESPONSIBILITY whatsoever to look after them. Personally I think its sick and wrong that he can walk away from his responsibility as a parent and the law needs badly to recognise that fathers have RESPONSIBILITIES as well as rights but as things stand 🤷‍♀️. (Of course you also have no theoretical responsibility to look after them either, but then they go into the care system and no mother will realistically do this, so mostly fathers have a gun to their heads).
Also, yes, child support is a pittance. I think its a joke that the minimum for child support has nothing to do with what it actually costs to raise a child (if your ex was unemployed he'd be paying £7 a month I think). Again, this leaves the parent who DOESN'T walk away to not only do all the childcare, not only be effectively barred from full time employment because of that childcare burden, but also to find the shortfall of the financial costs as well.
[For the PC brigade, yes mothers do walk out on kids sometimes. But let's face it, in 95% of cases it's thr man who walks away and doesn't want to do 50/50]
The best thjng that you can do is get a parenting agreement in place between you which specifies where the kids will be and with who. These are legally enforcvle if broken realistically, though, I doubt your ex will agree to take them any more.

(3) I think you do need to take a more reasonable look at your situation. You live, effectively, in a two parent household. It wouldn't be normal in this situation to have ANY time away from the kids (unless it was granny and grandad, or a baby sitter etc - let alone a third party). You also have the same chance, with your partner at home, to be able to work full time. You're very lucky to be able to work part time.