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Original poster

My ex is an "Every other weekend dad"

215 replies

CM82 · 25/02/2022 10:10

My ex, who left about 6 years ago, used to take our two around four/five times a week, pay me £500 a month, bought me a car, let me keep the family allowance and even when I had my new boyfriend move in a few months after he left, he was OK with it until 3 years ago when the company he owned went into liquidation. He also started seeing a girl around this time. I noticed he was more stressed than ever, had to downsize his car and move into a smaller flat. Now he works full time and lives with his girlfriend. He only takes our two every other weekend and thinks £300 is enough in child support. He told me that with bills and back debt after his company went burst, he is struggling a lot. I think its his girlfriend - but our children adore her so what can I do? She works from home and when I've asked him if she can take the children after school a few times a week (he works long hours), he told me it is not her responsibility to watch our children. I work 3 days a week but I need some time to myself aswell.

He also gave the children mobile phones at Christmas (even though I said no because I think they are too young) so they can contact him anytime. I always let them call or text their dad on my phone.

Has anyone got any advice on what to do about this?

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 25/02/2022 21:14

Weird.

Bordois · 25/02/2022 21:45

So if I understand correctly...

You work 3 days a week and so your partner does school runs on those days, leaving you to do either 2 or 1 school runs a week depending on if its a weekend your kids are at their dads?

Bordois · 25/02/2022 21:55

@TicTacHoh

Why does a 14 year old (even with social anxiety) need anyone to babysit him after school?
Maybe the ex feels the same hence him not offering to pay for childcare
random9876 · 25/02/2022 22:25

I think people on this thread have been a bit harsh, given your MH issues that you’ve been clear about. Clearly you are struggling. And £300 wouldn’t seem a lot to me, if this money is paying for clothes and shoes and food and after school activities, so I get how it might seem to you (acknowledging that this reaction is likely down to my privilege). However it is perfectly reasonable in CSA terms and more than many get. And it is certainly the case that however much you are struggling, your ex’s girlfriend does not owe you anything in terms of childcare - any more than a random person you’d pass on the street really!

Have you tried listing what the problems and possible solutions are, without your ex even being in the equation? Is the main problem for you money or time? I guess it depends what your job is, but could you do four days, in order to pay for clubs/after school entertainment (sounds as though your child’s anxiety is an issue?) or a different work pattern that leaves you less drained? I am wondering what the particular issue is with the kids being round you after school too? I and my DH work while my younger kids chill out after school and it’s never an issue so I am curious about what is causing this strain of the being around, and if there’s a way of doing things differently? Personally I manage feelings of anxiety (not too serious in my case to be fair) through exercise and during the covid lockdowns when I was working and teaching kids at once, I dragged them out for runs with me and that massively helped all of us. Not everyone’s cuppa but I
wonder what helps your mental health and whether there are ways of being with your kids that are more supportive of your MH.?

I just think, maybe almost removing your ex from the equation and really focusing on quite what the issues are here might be more helpful and empowering in the long run.

PeeAche · 26/02/2022 10:21

everyone thinks your thread is taking the piss out of us

This is so accurate. It feels like a reverse or a load of old bull. But if it's real, it stings because so many of us here are single parents / step parents / unhappily married / piss poor / stretched beyond all means and just doing the best we can to get by every day.

Bleurgh to you.

Mistressiggi · 26/02/2022 11:24

I fail to see why the dad getting a full time job means he gets to hand back his care of his children for 5 days a week. Why can't he sort out arrangements so he would then see his children in the evening once a week? It seems odd to me that so many posters are quite so critical of the mother in this scenario and think fatherhood equals £300 a month and two days a fortnight. We need to expect more from men.

Casper001 · 26/02/2022 12:59

@Mistressiggi

I fail to see why the dad getting a full time job means he gets to hand back his care of his children for 5 days a week. Why can't he sort out arrangements so he would then see his children in the evening once a week? It seems odd to me that so many posters are quite so critical of the mother in this scenario and think fatherhood equals £300 a month and two days a fortnight. We need to expect more from men.
In the opening post there's quite a bit about what the ex did. Seems like money reduced due to circumstances.

Every other weekend is standard for men and a lot of women fight for this to get maintenance. It goes both ways.

Frankola · 26/02/2022 14:32

1 - your exs girlfriend is not responsible for looking after your kids after school

2 - nor is his girlfriends money anything to do with your maintenance

3 - if you've used thr cms calculator he's paying what he should. His business has gone under for goodness sake

4 - in one of your posts you say your ex "No longer cares about you". Well no, he's shouldn't. That's why he's your ex

It isn't up to your ex to finance your life and have the kids at your beck and call. You say you have a boyfriend - does he not contribute to your household if you live together?

Also, I think you've mentioned one of your kids is 14. You do know that your ex can stop paying maintenance once your children hit 18 and leave full time education don't you? You might want to start making plans for that.

Mistressiggi · 26/02/2022 15:34

Every other weekend is standard for men
See @Casper001 that's why I said we should expect more from men, I realise they can't be made to do more but they shouldn't get a good dad badge for doing the bare minimum.

EarthSight · 26/02/2022 18:18

@CM82

I'm not looking for sympathy and I know I probably come across as selfish but he knew I struggled with the children and depression before he left and now he is got this new life and doesn't care about me. My partner is great and helps me as much as he can but he struggles with depression and anxiety too so I cannot burden him constantly. I don't expect his girlfriend to pay for our children, I just expect her to help as much as my partner does. Watching them after school for a couple of hours shouldn't be an issue!
I don't expect his girlfriend to pay for our children, I just expect her to help as much as my partner does

OMG. This has GOT to be a troll post......surely??? 😆🤣

I find it incredible how you are thinking of pushing childcare duties onto the next female in his life, who owes you nothing.

Unless you lock your children away in a soundproof room, there is no way she can 'watch' the children whilst she works from home. She will probably be distracted with work and if she's in meetings, won't want to worry about kids coming into the room or people hearing them play or argue with each other.

Casper001 · 28/02/2022 15:57

@Mistressiggi

Every other weekend is standard for men See *@Casper001* that's why I said we should expect more from men, I realise they can't be made to do more but they shouldn't get a good dad badge for doing the bare minimum.
That suggests men want every other weekend.

Every other weekend is what happens for a lot of men. Certainly those that have to go via court etc. Its due to an inbalance in the family court system.

Working full time, paying child maintenance, having the kids after rehousing is far from easy. It's far removed from the bare minimum.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 28/02/2022 16:14

Anxiety and Depression, always thrown around when sympathy is wanted!

It sounds to me like you’d be better off signing over residency if the kids to their dad and you have them for visits and pay child maintenance.

All kids are hard work…that’s just how it is!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/02/2022 16:25

let me keep the family allowance and even when I had my new boyfriend move in a few months after he left

A few months?

Wow. Hope your kids can keep up.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/02/2022 16:26

I don't expect his girlfriend to pay for our children, I just expect her to help as much as my partner does

OMG. They are not her children!

RantyAunty · 28/02/2022 16:50

Therapy for you, your partner, and son to treat your mental health to where you all can function normally.

Are the kids school within walking distance?

Can your elderly parents hire care instead of you doing it?

Is your work a career or just a job?

Your problems aren't going to be solved by your ex taking them more.
Look at what isn't working for you and change those things.

Kleppy10 · 28/02/2022 16:50

I worked full time and looked after my son alone, with no respite at weekends as he didnt want to see his Dad.

You work part time, sorry love but you've got it easy. Your partner lives with you too to help financially.

TicTacHoh · 28/02/2022 16:54

You have a partner who apparently helps, so basically there are two adults looking after them. If you were a regular family and DP was their DF, there would be nowhere for them to be sent to EOW (as a minimum!) for respite. What would you be doing in this case? It's not normal to need to get rid of your teen/tween kids on a regular basis in order to be able to 'cope'

memememe · 28/02/2022 16:57

aside from the £300 you also said he gives you £50 a week. is that right?

Chocomelon · 28/02/2022 17:09

It sounds like he was quite generous before but he can only give you what he can afford and in accordance with CMS. You are very cheeky to ask his girlfriend to look after your children. It's not her responsibility and working from home means she's still working.

HairyScaryMonster · 28/02/2022 17:17

Perhaps if you start offering friends over for tea or at the weekend it will be reciprocated and you can have time off without paying for it.

Mistressiggi · 28/02/2022 19:24

But @Casper001 none of that applies to the OP's ex, does it, she isn't trying to stop him from seeing them more.

Casper001 · 28/02/2022 21:12

@Mistressiggi

But *@Casper001* none of that applies to the OP's ex, does it, she isn't trying to stop him from seeing them more.
Going back to the original post the ex did a lot. Circumstances changed. It's unfortunate but don't suggest the ex is doing the minimum when he hasn't.
Mistressiggi · 28/02/2022 22:05

Nonsense. Seeing your dc every fortnight only because your job changed is something only a father would do.

KylieKoKo · 28/02/2022 22:14

@Mistressiggi

Nonsense. Seeing your dc every fortnight only because your job changed is something only a father would do.
I think this is very true. However it's not up to his girlfriend to pick up the slack as they are not her children.
Mistressiggi · 28/02/2022 22:22

Absolutely not, no argument from me on that front.

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