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Original poster

My ex is an "Every other weekend dad"

215 replies

CM82 · 25/02/2022 10:10

My ex, who left about 6 years ago, used to take our two around four/five times a week, pay me £500 a month, bought me a car, let me keep the family allowance and even when I had my new boyfriend move in a few months after he left, he was OK with it until 3 years ago when the company he owned went into liquidation. He also started seeing a girl around this time. I noticed he was more stressed than ever, had to downsize his car and move into a smaller flat. Now he works full time and lives with his girlfriend. He only takes our two every other weekend and thinks £300 is enough in child support. He told me that with bills and back debt after his company went burst, he is struggling a lot. I think its his girlfriend - but our children adore her so what can I do? She works from home and when I've asked him if she can take the children after school a few times a week (he works long hours), he told me it is not her responsibility to watch our children. I work 3 days a week but I need some time to myself aswell.

He also gave the children mobile phones at Christmas (even though I said no because I think they are too young) so they can contact him anytime. I always let them call or text their dad on my phone.

Has anyone got any advice on what to do about this?

OP posts:
WouldIwasShookspeared · 25/02/2022 10:27

@CM82

I struggle a lot with depression. I just need some advice on how I can get some relief from my children. They are hard work and my parents are too old to look after them.
X post. Go to your GP and see what services you can access.
CheesusWept · 25/02/2022 10:27

This has to be a reverse.
You had a boyfriend move in with your kids after just a few months?

KylieKoKo · 25/02/2022 10:27

You should check the cms calculator to see how much he legally should be paying child maintanance.

If you want him to see his children more then you need to work it out with him but this would reduce the maintanance as he would be paying you. It's not up to his girlfriend to look after your children to give you a break. And if she's working from home she is not free anyway. She is working.

Lastly, if you don't want the children to have phones at yours then surely you can take then off them and they can ask you if they want to talk to their dad

KylieKoKo · 25/02/2022 10:30

@CM82

I struggle a lot with depression. I just need some advice on how I can get some relief from my children. They are hard work and my parents are too old to look after them.
If they are such hard work then your ex's girlfriend can't look after them while working can she? Have you considered an after school club or activity a couple of nights a week?
NorthSouthcatlady · 25/02/2022 10:32

You need to crack down on this! Why can’t she look after your children while she works. She is only working from home! Maybe girlfriend could get a 2nd job? Make up for the shortfall from their dad?

Back in the real world maybe you could also provide for your children to. You only work 3 days a week, it’s not much. I agree it’s not right he’s having less contact but you can’t make him

Itsalmostanaccessory · 25/02/2022 10:32

This is a reverse, right?

There is no way anyone could think they are reasonable thinking like this. You moved your bf in to live with your children a few months after their dad left? Fucking hell. That is really really shitty parenting. Your poor kids. Who loves a bf in after a few months, to live with their children? Unbelievable.

It sounds like you got a hell of a good deal when you split with your ex. You've had years to get yourself self sufficient.

You also cannot expend more money. If CMS say £277 then that's what you get. He also has to support his own house and pay bills etc. More money would be great, but it isnt there. He isnt earning enough. You need to cut your cloth accordingly.

If you really asked his gf to look after your kids then you must be mad. How can you think that is acceptable?

If you're unhappy with the contact arrangement then go to court, but you cannot force him to take his kids. He is shirking his responsibility and I'm guessing not paying towards childcare costs but you cant force him to take the kids. You could discuss with him the cost of childcare to allow you to work and remind him that he can only work because you're providing that for free. Have a discussion about it.

Original poster
CM82 · 25/02/2022 10:36

I'm not looking for sympathy and I know I probably come across as selfish but he knew I struggled with the children and depression before he left and now he is got this new life and doesn't care about me.

My partner is great and helps me as much as he can but he struggles with depression and anxiety too so I cannot burden him constantly.
I don't expect his girlfriend to pay for our children, I just expect her to help as much as my partner does. Watching them after school for a couple of hours shouldn't be an issue!

OP posts:
Lulu1919 · 25/02/2022 10:37

So you have two days a week when you are child free whilst they are in school ...plus every other weekend to yourself ...that's LOADS compared to most families
No his gf doesn't need to look after your children
Sounds like you had a good deal when you split up

Come on get a grip shake your head and be thankful

Ttcfinalbub · 25/02/2022 10:37

To be honest you are being totally unreasonable to the point I'm wondering if this is a joke.
Are you still with the new boyfriend?

bluesk75 · 25/02/2022 10:37

What are you actually saying right now. Like seriously what are you saying

Lulu1919 · 25/02/2022 10:39

Ps
If you want him to have the children more - talk about it - what happens in school holidays ?
Could he arrange to finish earlier one day a week so have them for tea etc ?

bluesk75 · 25/02/2022 10:39

he told me it is not her responsibility to watch our children.

But it really isn't? Why should she help out as much as your partner does, neither of them HAVE to do anything. If you partner helps out here and there then great for him. I'm not sure why you expect her to do the same...

Wtfdidwedo · 25/02/2022 10:41

Every other weekend feels like it would be quite decent break? Is it essentially 4-6 nights "off" surely.

AtLeastPretendToCare · 25/02/2022 10:41

Presumably they are at school 5 days a week so you have 2 school day times without them plus every other weekend to yourself? TBH that is much more than most parents get to themselves.

Original poster
CM82 · 25/02/2022 10:43

Re school holidays. He said he will "sort something out for easter and summer break". He only took them 3 extra days during the Christmas holidays and he was off for 2 weeks!

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 25/02/2022 10:43

OP I'm sorry I really don't understand your perspective. Why on Earth do you expect her to do anything at all? Your kids are not her responsibility!

If this isn't a reverse you're cutting your ex too much slack re: his work. If you're wanting him to do, say, 2 school pick ups a week then you need to talk to him to make that happen. How he provides that time is then up to him: whether it's his gf, other members of his family or he pays for after school care/childminder.

Ttcfinalbub · 25/02/2022 10:45

Your statements are very self centred really to me He sounds like he wants to be a good active father but is now trying to rebuild his life and some of your statements make me wonder if you're a bit jealous.

You can't burden a life partner that loves you you're meant to be the team now.

Mental health wise I feel you there but you say you work 3 days a week so do you not have 2 days free while the kids are at school ? If you're genuinely struggling seek help both for you and the kids if they're in a house with 2 people with mental health issues it can effect them.

ILoveYou3000 · 25/02/2022 10:48

Are the two days a week when you're not working and the children are in school plus every other weekend not enough time to yourself @CM82

Original poster
CM82 · 25/02/2022 10:49

I think I will ask him to pay towards an after school group.
My boyfriend and I are both on medication for our mental health issues and I am a good mam and the children love me - they are at a hard age now and it is a bit overwhelming.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 25/02/2022 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow · 25/02/2022 10:50

It’s not a race to the bottom but neither he nor his GF are doing anything wrong.
You can’t force visitation on him. I think the answer probably lies in getting help for your anxiety and depression. I can count on one hand (apart from being in hospital) the child free nights I’ve had since 1996. DC are 26, 17&15.

tiktokontheclock · 25/02/2022 10:51

@RedToothBrush

She works from home and when I've asked him if she can take the children after school a few times a week (he works long hours), he told me it is not her responsibility to watch our children.

Well its not her responsibility. You should be asking him to do it regardless of his hours.

Hun, it doesn't matter if she works from home, it's still work and she's still expected to be working. YABU.
DillDanding · 25/02/2022 10:53

Expecting his girlfriend to look after your children is completely unreasonable.

In fact, your whole post is unreasonable.

Chloemol · 25/02/2022 10:54

He now has less income coming in so less money available, and is paying what is required

You work three days a week, the kids seem to be at school so that’s two days you get child free hours, plus EOW. Why do you need more? Your ex works 5 days a week so sees them less

And it’s not his partners responsibility to collect your kids, that’s down to you and your ex and if he can’t do it due to his working hours then tough, what about wrap around care if you are that desperate

Where’s the partner you moved in? Why doesn’t he do some of your childcare?

BubblesThaDragoon · 25/02/2022 10:55

Jesus OP you’re very very unreasonable - why should she look after your kids so you get a break?! She doesn’t owe you anything