My ex is an "Every other weekend dad"

[CM82]

My ex, who left about 6 years ago, used to take our two around four/five times a week, pay me £500 a month, bought me a car, let me keep the family allowance and even when I had my new boyfriend move in a few months after he left, he was OK with it until 3 years ago when the company he owned went into liquidation. He also started seeing a girl around this time. I noticed he was more stressed than ever, had to downsize his car and move into a smaller flat. Now he works full time and lives with his girlfriend. He only takes our two every other weekend and thinks £300 is enough in child support. He told me that with bills and back debt after his company went burst, he is struggling a lot. I think its his girlfriend - but our children adore her so what can I do? She works from home and when I've asked him if she can take the children after school a few times a week (he works long hours), he told me it is not her responsibility to watch our children. I work 3 days a week but I need some time to myself aswell.

He also gave the children mobile phones at Christmas (even though I said no because I think they are too young) so they can contact him anytime. I always let them call or text their dad on my phone.

Has anyone got any advice on what to do about this?

@SD1978

And if not a really crap reverse...... then you are beyond unreasonable. You already have two days without the kids, get what your entitled to with CSM, and he does not need to pay you enymore than he does already.

Plus he’s done her a favour by paying £60pm for phones for the kids (even if OP doesn’t see it that way).

Why not suggest he works more hours or get a better job?

So he left and now youre stuck with the childcare full time and he gets to just pay the minimum.

Of course its not his new girlfriends responsibility but i can understand why youre finding it all hard work

This reminds me of the post of the woman who expected exes new girlfriend to contribute to CSM because she was a high earner 🤦🏻‍♀️

Why do you think he should give you more instead of you having to work more if you want to be able to afford after school clubs?

Honestly, it sounds like you need to take a step back and put this into perspective. You have plenty of time away from your children when they are at school and with their Dad every other weekend. They are old enough that looking after them doesn’t need the same level of work that it did when they were little. You are given more than the CMS calculator says you are owed in relation to your exes earnings.

It is genuinely difficult to what more you could reasonably want.

Blimey.

Im a single parent (totally single. No new partner here) who gets £0 maintenance, and whose ex has seen the dc about 3 times in the past 2 years. I also have depression and anxiety. In fact it's so bad I often don't leave the house for days at a time.

Even I think you're being unreasonable.

Although I agree with @Itsalmostanaccessory about him just handing the children over on what was his contact days rather than arranging childcare. Like the children weren't convenient anymore so he made them someone else's problem.

Your partner can't be burdened with childcare but your ex's girlfriend is expected to step up. Your ex's girlfriend has no obligation to support you or your family,

@CM82

The £300 he gives covers nothing. I've seen his pay slips, he isnt earning what he used to but she has a good business and clearly covers the cost of their rent and bills, so he should be able to give me more. If he was living alone I'd understand.

So, on one hand, you're saying she works for herself and at home so she can just take time off and look after your kids. Because you seem to think her job unimportant and like she isnt actually doing anything.

Then, on the other hand, you're saying her job supports the household.

Which is it? Do you think she has fuck all to do so should he available for your kids or do you think she is working hard to pay for a household?

£300 is a fair contribution based on his salary. You cannot have all or it or even a majority of it. He needs enough leftover of his own for a life.

A little extra for childcare to allow you to work is worth a discussion and would be fair in my opinion (not making him pay all the childcare but splitting the cost of the club 50/50 if you need to work but not if you just want a day off).

But you cant simply expect more of his money because he has a gf. You have a partner.

@Branleuse

So he left and now youre stuck with the childcare full time and he gets to just pay the minimum.

Of course its not his new girlfriends responsibility but i can understand why youre finding it all hard work

She moved a boyfriend in a few months after he left. So clearly she was not devastated he left.

He was having them 50/50 and was paying her £500 a month until his business went bust and he had to get another job.

He still pays over the CSA minimum plus phones for children and has them EOW.

These kids are not toddlers, they are 10 and 14. They don't exactly require full supervision.

@ILoveYou3000

It sounds like he used to be relatively wealthy and wanted the kids to retain that lifestyle in both houses. That seems fair.

He then lost that job so maintenance has gone down to the child maintenance minimum. Again, that is fair.

But his job happened on days he was responsible for the kids. Instead of arranging childcare, he just handed them back to OP. That limits her chance at working more hours. That isnt fair.

He had them more than 50/50 when they first split - 4/5 nights vs 2/3 with the OP - yet still paid £500 maintenance.

I suspect he gave the OP an ultimatum after realising she was taking the piss. Either she had the children more or the money stopped and he'd claim from her as he was resident parent.

Looking after kids can feel hard. However, you're not with your ex any more and it isn't his girlfriend's job to care for your kids. If you need support with them then you need to find it elsewhere. Your own boyfriend? Your parents? Alternatively you could always let them live with your ex and then it would be his job to deal with school pick ups and you could have them at weekends.

@RoyKent

Why not suggest he works more hours or get a better job?

Or why not OP work more hours or get a better job!

@CM82 can you clarify what you mean by "he took them 4/5 times a week"? Do you mean he had them overnight or he picked them up, fed them and bought them home?

@Itsalmostanaccessory

He hasn’t limited her chance at working more hours at all, she has two days when the children are at school where she doesn’t work. If she was trying to work more hours but couldn’t because of childcare, then it might be fair to ask for more money to help pay for it, but she isn’t. So that’s irrelevant.

OP says the the ex’s partner picks the children up from school once a fortnight. Does her new partner really do that much, or is he just around when the children are because he’s moveEd into their home?

[quote Itsalmostanaccessory]@ILoveYou3000

It sounds like he used to be relatively wealthy and wanted the kids to retain that lifestyle in both houses. That seems fair.

He then lost that job so maintenance has gone down to the child maintenance minimum. Again, that is fair.

But his job happened on days he was responsible for the kids. Instead of arranging childcare, he just handed them back to OP. That limits her chance at working more hours. That isnt fair.[/quote]
I do wonder now, as you've pointed out his money went down considerably with the new job, whether what happened was he told OP he wouldn't be able to pay her anything if he was having them 4/5 nights a week, and the arrangement was changed by mutual decision.

I'm just going on how the OP is coming across, and the history in her own words.

His GF has no responsibility for the children, especially financially. What she earns is not relevant. She is not responsible for taking them for a few hours after school to give you a break.

If he's paying you over what the online calculator suggests he should be based on his income then that's that.

If they're 10 and 14 and in school full time I don't quite understand why you need more time away from them. Surely at 14 one of them is fairly self sufficient.

@CM82

The £300 he gives covers nothing. I've seen his pay slips, he isnt earning what he used to but she has a good business and clearly covers the cost of their rent and bills, so he should be able to give me more. If he was living alone I'd understand.

How do you know what she pays for or how much she earns ?

But his job happened on days he was responsible for the kids. Instead of arranging childcare, he just handed them back to OP. That limits her chance at working more hours. That isnt fair.

But where has OP said she wants to work more hours? She wants a "fairer" split so she can have a break from the kids, on top of the break she gets on her 2 days off from work a week, and every other weekend. Why should he have had to arrange childcare if the kids have a mother who is home on those days? Also he did the bulk of the childcare prior to that (4/5 days per week), so maybe he felt it was time for a "break".

The only people I feel sorry for in this situation are the kids who are now at ages where they don't spend as much time with their parents as it is, and yet both parents are fighting over who shouldn't have them.

Why do you need a break from a 10 and 14yr old?

I would understand your resentment more if they were under 8.

"family allowance" 😂😂😂 this has got to be a reverse from grandma??! 😂

Your posts come across as quite unreasonable, but I do see the underlying point.

First off his gf is none of your business, what she chooses to give in time and money is entirely her choice and you are completely out of order to expect her to pick up your children, under no circumstances is that ok.
You have 4 days off one week and 2 the next. This is more than most people get, I understand you aren't sitting on your arse all day, however your main point seems to be your children are hard work, so seeing as they are at school for 2 of those days every week, I'm not sure I can understand your point here, that's just life, it's what we all have to do.
He had the children more, then he cut that down and you've been expected to take on that extra "burden" this is where I don't think your out of order, it was his time so he should have found another way to care for the children during this time, but I will state again that this is not his gf's responsibility at all to facilitate this, it is your exh's problem to solve.
Can you afford to pay for a couple of after school clubs? Maybe you could ask him to pay half, I think that would be reasonable, I also think you could work more hours in order to pay for it, if he refuses, but again the time to have this conversation was back when the changes were made, it's harder this far down the line.

@ParisLondonTokyoSlough

I did specifically say to the OP that if she needs childcare to increase her working hours because her ex just stopped taking the kids on those days then he should be splitting that cost. If she just wants it because she wants more time off then she just need to suck it up.

Although I do still hate the double standard in general. If a woman wants to work more then she needs to pay for children and he shouldn't pay half, but when he wanted to change his working hours, he didnt need to pay for childcare because he just leaves them with the mum. That whole attitude isnt fair.

Your expectations are ridiculous.

Child Maintenance is a percentage of his salary. If he should be paying 270 and he's paying 300 plus 2 phone contracts then he's doing fine on that.

Your stance on mobile phones is very random. Do your children (especially the 14yo) have access to a laptop or tablet so they can contact friends? How do they organise a social life without a device with messaging ? Don't they even go out without you and need a phone if they are running late?

Maybe you need to share why you're finding your kids so difficult. At age 14 my kids got home from school, had a snack and chilled until I returned. They eat dinner, do some homework etc Do you live close enough to school so that the 10 year old can walk home on their own?

Back to your post, you are very unreasonable to expect the gf to do more so that you can have down time. If you need down time then you need to reduce the time spent with your parents. Maybe you need to combine your visits to your parents with when you have the kids? The kids are old enough to do some cleaning and other chores at their grandparents house. Your bf looks after your children because he's shagging you. The gf doesn't need to match the amount he does. Do you not understand that she's working ? Working at home doesn't mean you can pop out to do the school run. You and your ex are the parents so you need to sort this out between you. The fact that you are able to convince your bf to do more than necessary is neither here nor there.

@CM82

I'm not looking for sympathy and I know I probably come across as selfish but he knew I struggled with the children and depression before he left and now he is got this new life and doesn't care about me. My partner is great and helps me as much as he can but he struggles with depression and anxiety too so I cannot burden him constantly. I don't expect his girlfriend to pay for our children, I just expect her to help as much as my partner does. Watching them after school for a couple of hours shouldn't be an issue!

You shouldn’t expect her to watch them at all. They are your children and your ex’s, neither the new gf or your partner are obliged to provide childcare at all. Just because your partner does is no reason for her to.