My ex is an "Every other weekend dad"

[CM82]

My ex, who left about 6 years ago, used to take our two around four/five times a week, pay me £500 a month, bought me a car, let me keep the family allowance and even when I had my new boyfriend move in a few months after he left, he was OK with it until 3 years ago when the company he owned went into liquidation. He also started seeing a girl around this time. I noticed he was more stressed than ever, had to downsize his car and move into a smaller flat. Now he works full time and lives with his girlfriend. He only takes our two every other weekend and thinks £300 is enough in child support. He told me that with bills and back debt after his company went burst, he is struggling a lot. I think its his girlfriend - but our children adore her so what can I do? She works from home and when I've asked him if she can take the children after school a few times a week (he works long hours), he told me it is not her responsibility to watch our children. I work 3 days a week but I need some time to myself aswell.

He also gave the children mobile phones at Christmas (even though I said no because I think they are too young) so they can contact him anytime. I always let them call or text their dad on my phone.

Has anyone got any advice on what to do about this?

My children are adult now, and here's a comforting thought for you. What goes around, comes around. Adults who had very part time fathers give the same back as adults to that parent, because that is what that parent modelled to them.

If you are really really struggling you could see if your ex will take custody for a while. They have two parents who are equally responsible for them. If one is at breaking point the other should step in.

His gf absolutely isn't responsible for your kids on his contact nights, he is. He was very good to you post separation bevause he was able to be, that said you have now been put into a position where you have to cover his contact nights. If he can't take them due to working late the options are.

Afterschool, he pays for it
He reduces his hours on those nights if he can and you take a reduction in CM

As others have said you're actually in a good position, CM is paid, kids see their dad, dad cares for them and organises things like phones

@CM82

He said his work won't give him days away early during the week and needs a weekend free, so the best I can hope for is every other weekend and see if he'll pay for after school group. Oh and the gf works for herself and collects them from school on the Friday afternoon when its their weekend so I don't know what the issue is on why she can't take them for a few hours 1 or 2 days a week. She tells the kids she loves them. What a joke!

No actually op . Your post is a joke. You are being massively unreasonable and selfish . You get more maintenance and free time than most in your situation. If your mental health is that bad you cannot cope with them and your boyfriends mental health is that bad then surely it's not in the children's best interests to be in the home. Your ex has been more than fair and NO it's not his girlfriends responsibility to parent you're children. With respect op you need to grow up.

@username1293948

Oh and don’t throw the “I struggle with depression” card…. That isn’t an excuse to take the piss.

Exactly 💯

It's not his job to care about you anymore, you are not together. And given you moved a new bloke into your children's home just a few months after your ex left it looks like you didn't really care for him while you were still together.

@TuscanApothecary

Wow - you are so unreasonable, is this a real post OP?

I call reverse

I get why people think unreasonable. I basically got told a few years ago, "the business has went burst and i have got a new full time job so can only pay £300 and take the children eow". I understand his position. Its OK for my partner to watch the children when I'm working so I don't get why his won't, but I get it. Its not her responsibility. I'm just frustrated at my situation. I'm struggling with my mental health and money. He has agreed to meet up to discuss an afterschool option which he said he'd pay one day a week, which is something.
As one comment did mention, we did have a comfortable life prior to him leaving and I'm obviously not adjusting very easily.
Thanks for all the comments good and not so. You think your life is difficult until you see what others are up against .

Don’t you work while your children are at school then?

I do, I work 3 days a week, 7am-7pm while they are at school.

At 14 and 10 I don't see why they really need after school care if you are not at work? Mine are 13 and 10, I work full time and dad sees them for approximately one day ( no overnights ) once a month. And get this- he lives across the road with his new girlfriend and we are yet to finalise our divorce. He gives me £50 a week maintenance ( but not consistently ).
It's a piss take but it is what it is.
What you are asking for is crazy and entitled- why on earth should his girlfriend pick them up!?

Sometimes we need to be grateful for what we have.

Sorry you're struggling OP.

I think the hard truth is sometimes there isn't enough money post separation for 2 households. I can assure you it can be tough for men as well.

Ok, so your dp is only doing a bit of before and after school childcare, but that’s part of his contribution to your household. Does he work too?

@CM82

I do, I work 3 days a week, 7am-7pm while they are at school.

Who picks them up and drops them off on those days?

YABU

Like PP have said they're 14 and 10! How hard can it be after school? Any ASN? Many, many of us on here are single parents/ have been. £300 is generous compared to what others get (ie £0 for some people).

It's not his gf's responsibility AND you have 2 days off. Your MH issues are not your exH/ Gf's responsibility either. I might seem harsh, but being with someone else with MH issues wont help with how you're feeling. Does your BF work and contribute?

I'm sorry op but I'm in your boat too and have no sympathy from you with the way you're coming across. My ex is ab every other weekend dad - absolutely useless. I have 2 dcs with him and get less than you do in maintenance. He moved to other side of the country.

You need to let it go. You are separated. It sounds like this is more of your control over your ex than anything to do with your dcs

You also sound like my step childrens mother. It is not up to me to look after my step children! I love them dearly but I am NOT her childcare! The amount of times I've had my step children dumped on me because she needed childcare was unreal. Thankfully I've found my back bone and said no more and that's the way it stayed. She is also very controlling of my H and hates the fact that he has a life away from his dc.

As for my ex - I've let it go op. It's sad but it's not my responsibility to make sure my dcs have a relationship with their dad. They will realise who brought them up when they are older - me.

It really doesn't sound like this is anything to do with your dcs but your own needs. You're a grown up, we all have issues, we all are stressed tired parents. I'm sorry but your situation is common, you just need to get on with it. Put your kids first

@casper001
Thanks, I know its hard for men too. Their dad is a decent guy and I just want him to spend more time with them but its not my decision.

@girlmom21
My partner does. He also contributes to the household. I have a huge mortgage which doesn't help matters. I'm going to sell the property but it needs work done to it, which partner is doing after work and weekends. Long and slow process. Hopefully in the next few years, things will be easier.

[quote CM82]@casper001
Thanks, I know its hard for men too. Their dad is a decent guy and I just want him to spend more time with them but its not my decision.[/quote]
There's nothing you can do about it op. You have to let it go and just accept it as it is. It's much healthier for yourself if you do so.

And again - it's not in anyway his girlfriends job to look after your children. My ex's dp has looked after my dcs on the odd occasion because my ex has asked her too. Nothing to do with me but I would never in a million years expect her to look after my children. All I expect is that she treats them with respect and my children feel comfortable around her which they do - happy days. I keep out of their relationship completely. It's not my business

Ah, it shit isn't it when one partner swans off and doesn't have the constant responsibility for the kids. It's bloody unfair and bloody infuriating.

You need to keep on at your ex. This is his responsibility.

Fwiw, the kids will be need less and less of your energy soon.

@justtrying11
I hear you. I don't get involved. I've asked him once if she can watch them, he asked her and she said no so it is what it is.
This thread has definitely put things into perspective though. I get why people were saying I was being demanding! I do need to let it go and push on.
For people asking - my son has social anxiety. He struggles a lot in new environments and its hard getting him to go to school and opening up to me. He talks to a school therapist once a week. Don't know if its making a difference but fingers crossed x

The fact that you have suggested that his new partner looks after your children says it all, it's not her fault you and your ex DP can't look after them, that's something you both need to work out together, if my partner asked me to start looking after their kids a few times a week I'd be ending the relationship, not my responsibility I'm afraid. You are being very unreasonable in suggesting that she only has to look them a few hours a few times each week, she may have plans of her own, why should she stop doing the things she enjoys in life to look after someone else's children?
it sounds like he has been more than fair than most with regards to maintenance payments and buying you a car and phones for kids.

It's not that we dont understand how frustrated you are.
I totally get it.

I came home one day and noticed that the xbox was missing from the TV unit. Then I looked around and started to see all the missing things. Then went to our bedroom and his stuff was all gone. He just left. Went to his parents then 4 weeks later, he was living with a woman he worked with (who was about 19). Our youngest was only a few months old.

He saw the kids on and off for about 6 months but wouldn't commit to any schedule. We were going through solicitors and after about 6 months, I got a letter telling me that he was no longer seeking access. We didnt hear from him for almost 5 years after that.

Up until he cut contact, he was paying £10 a month in maintenance. That was more insulting than nothing; he was doing it to be an arse and his solicitor kept saying it was an error he would fix.

When he cut all contact, I went through CMS and finally he started paying £180 a month per the calculation they made.

It is a nightmare. He came back after 5 years and wanted contact. We started slowly and he sees the kids now but has been messing around with the money since because he had been lieing about his salary each year and CMS finally caught up with him through HMRC records so he owes almost £5000 in backdated payments. So that's where we are.

It is very frustrating when they walk off and leave you with all responsibility. But that's not what happened to you. You had a lot of support for a lot of years and plenty time to get self sufficient. You couldnt have expected to live off him forever.

You are not receiving the correct amount of child support but you expect him to give you more because he has a gf. No. It just doesnt work like that. You need to work more if you need more money for your household.

*now receiving

If genuinely can't cope then you need to be honest with your ex and tell him he needs to have custody. You then need to pay him child maintenance. Perhaps he could do 50/50 but you won't get maintenance