Has somebody abducted my lovely, kind, thoughtful MIL and stolen her phone?

[TerfranosaurusVagina]

Name changed for this as it is so bonkers and outing. My DS is 2.5 and I've booked him in to nursery for 1 morning a week to give myself a bit of a break as I've been struggling a bit recently plus he is getting virtually no peer interaction. I'm a SAHM and he doesnt like playing by himself so is always clamouring for attention.
I thought I had a brilliant relationship with my MIL until last week when I mentioned this, and she was horrified.
She went off on one about how hard her life was bringing up 3 kids with no support and an alcoholic husband, told me she thought I was spending too much time at the allotment that I hadn't been to since Christmas , that he was "too young" to send to nursery, he'd get completely overtired and a million and 1 other objections.
I wasnt too fazed, she's very traditional thinking, and replied calmly telling her all the good points about nursery and thought that was the end of it. It wasnt.
That evening she messaged my husband asking him what he thought about it, he told her he couldn't see a problem with it, to which she replied, "It is, he's only 2!" He replied saying he's not really had much to do with it as it was all my doing.
The next evening, DH met FIL as they were doing some work together and FIL mentioned she had been very upset about it and had been crying. At this point I thought Ive made my point, so she knows where I stand.
A week later she messaged me on Monday to let me know that she could look after him as usual on the Tuesday pm. I told her not to worry as he had conjunctivitis and was feeling rubbish.
She replied saying "this was one of the reasons she can't BEAR to think of him going to nursery. He gets ill every time he gets overtired (bollocks) and will catch everything going.

I wanted to put a stop to this pretty quick because she ruminates on stuff like this and just doesnt stop thinking about it, so I wrote a very arsey message, slept on it, then took all of the emotion out the next morning before sending it. I wrote 'I understand you are very much against DS going to nursery. I'm sending him for some badly needed social development and to preserve my mental health. Can we please leave it at that?'

She came back with some very passive aggressive comments about how advanced DS is and how he is not expected to learn to share till he's 3½ anyway, then one about me not able to get out the house early, and then at the end, offered to take DS from 8am on Tuesdays to make it a longer day for me.

I ignored the anal comments though I was cross about them, and just replied thanking her for the offer, and taking her up on it.

5 hours later she replied rescinding it, saying it would be unfair as well as the 7.30 nursery starts.

I'm seething so I haven't responded yet as I dont trust myself to be polite yet.

Just WTAF?!??!?
Has somebody abducted my lovely, kind, thoughtful MIL and stolen her phone?

My ds has been at a childminders for 2 full days since 18 months... I work but I really don't see how giving yourself half a day break and ds social time is wrong.... tell her to mind her own

There's nothing like making an offer so you can snatch it away again to make a point and punish someone for not doing what you want!!

I'd just decline any offer of childcare and state that he is your son, not hers and you say whether or not he goes to nursery, not her. If you think he would benefit from it and it makes your life easier, that is your choice and she needs to respect that.

Your child your choice. Its really none of her business.

Definitely don't accept any childcare from her.

God put a stop to it.
I'm petty and would'nt reply v.nicely.
Something along the lines of
' Mine and DH son is going to nursery.
Your opinion doesn't matter at all.
Do not message me or talk to me again about this"

Then I'd not really bother with her offers of childcare again tbh.

I hope your Dc has a great time at nursery and that you enjoy some time to yourself!

How old is she? I only ask because my DM is 76 and was horrified when I sent DD to nursery as they used to be council run places for the struggling when her DC were little 50 years previously Nothing at all like the care now.

Does she have a realistic view of a nursery these days?

Oh dear! Send her my way, she’ll have kittens at both DC being nearly full time from less than a year old. They are, obviously, totally fine.

She needs to let go of the old traditions where women stay at home and do whatever they can to make ends meet regardless of how it impacts your mental health. Lots of DCs across the country are in nursery 3,4,5 days a week from 6-12 months when DMs go back to work. Looking after a toddler is full on, 1/2 morning a week will do him the world of good with other kids and will give you some much needed space.

She is being very unreasonable - clearly set on her ways and doesn’t seem to be taking note of your rationale. Hopefully you don’t fall out over it but you have already been more than patient with it. Stick to your guns.

Oh dear
If she genuinely is nice normally I’d just write a final message
MIL, I appreciate your concern and whilst I understand where you’re coming from, DS going to nursery is what is best for our family. DH and I have made the decision together, and we will be sticking to that. I won’t be discussing it again.

And then sign off about looking forward to seeing them next week or something polite that shows the matter is finished but you’re happy to move on on good terms.

But also I’d have words with your DH who has royally thrown you under the bus here and then not defended you / your decision at all.

My mother was just awful when I started DS1 at playschool (age bloody 3.5, for a whole two mornings a week, the horror). She piled on the guilt and was pretty nasty to me when I sought a bit of support when he was a little bit teary when he was getting settled there (he was fine within a couple of sessions, and went on to really enjoy it).

I massively resented the fact that she made it all about her, and essentially acted as though she believed she must love him more because she "couldn't bear to see him upset". As if I didn't . This and some related behaviours caused lasting damage to our relationship tbh.

She went off on one about how hard her life was bringing up 3 kids with no support and an alcoholic husband, told me she thought I was spending too much time at the allotment

Is she actually concerned about potential impact on your son, or just a bit resentful that you have options and choices that she didn't have?

Either way, I'd make it clear that her opinion wasn't asked for.

That's the kind of batshit response I get occasionally from my DM. Most of the time she's quite sane and then she gets a bee in her bonnet about something weird. She once phoned me in tears to tell me that I couldn't possibly get a new sofa as that would be too big a change for my 6yo DD to handle. Nothing I could say would persuade her that she was being a bit irrational. DD is fine with the new sofa .

As per PP, she maybe doesn't realise it might be nice for him. Can she visit it? She sounds really caring. It would be a shame to lose her support.

She's not lovely, kind and thoughtful. She's massively overstepping boundaries. You are partially at fault for thinking you have to justify your parenting choices to her. You don't.

How much childcare does she usually do?

I just wouldn't respond. She's said her piece, she doesn't get to make the decision, she'll get over it.

Wow that is full on isn't it!!

I remember my MIL used to be quite emotional and would try to dictate what I should and shouldn't do, she of course meant well but it got too much and I had to just be more confident and stand my ground.

Just tell her you know she's upset but you feel the benefits outweigh any negatives and that you appreciate her concerns but you will be trialling it to see how your little one gets on. If she goes on and on just say there isn't anything else to be said and that she should respect your decision given he is your child.

She has her views on child raising but since she has no experience of modern child minders or nurseries, she is in no position to judge. Plus you aren't talking about her child, so in the end, what she thinks is irrelevant.

Most children are perfectly happy to go to nursery at 2. My DS went 5 days a week from 2y2m and had a great time playing with other children. Don't worry, one day a week won't do any harm at all.

My mother-in-law was encouraging me to send DS to nursery even though it impacted on her time with him because she knew it would be good for him.

As PP have said, her views could be skewed by an historical view of nurseries. Especially if this is really unlike her and out of the blue. Could you maybe sit with her and see what her actual concerns are about it, and maybe show her the website, the ofsted report and even take her to look around so she can see the kind of place he will be in.

She sounds batshit and I would be blocking her. It is all completely unnecessary.

He replied saying he's not really had much to do with it as it was all my doing
this would also piss me right off, why did your husband feel the need to say that??

That evening she messaged my husband asking him what he thought about it, he told her he couldn't see a problem with it, to which she replied, "It is, he's only 2!" He replied saying he's not really had much to do with it as it was all my doing.

Sad to point it out to you that you also have a husband problem.

MiL will keep on blaming you and acting up while your husband excludes himself from having to "babysit" his own child.
You are not the sole decision maker and organiser for childcare.
DH needs to step up and show a united front.

OP it’s true that a lot of our mothers generation had a b hard time parenting.

Total expectation they’d do it all, much less childcare available or socially acceptable, the idea that mothers would put their kids in childcare to be able to have some downtime or alone time pretty rare.

Otherwise lovely mums / MILs can get difficult and arsey when they see us making different choices and frankly having better choices and support available.

It sounds like she has invoiced issues and trauma around her own mothering years, and this is how she’s expressing it.

That’s not your fault though (on the facts - you are right of course. I’d go two mornings a week if I were you. In fact I did!)

Maybe grey rock her on this.

Or if you have it in you, you could ask her more about her own mothering years. Her being heard may defuse things.

But you don’t have to do that. I consciously avoid it with my own mum as I’ve spent plenty years being her counsellor and I’m not prepared to do that any more. I grey rock / medium chill. ‘Mmmhmmm I hear you feel strongly. Yes sounds like you had it hard, I’m sorry you didn’t get more support.’ And tell her less about the choices I make that would trigger her.

If she's worried about him picking up bugs, it is much better to let him build his immunity at this stage than later. My kid didn't go to nursery, missed most of preschool due to the first lockdown then started school and has been ill SO much (after 4 years of barely ever getting a sniffle). And unlike at nursery, you get letters home and attendance warnings etc if they're off school.

Your husband sounds like an arse. Why isn’t he backing you up?

My son is in his forties now. He was able to go to play school when he was dry by day. He was 2. Was great as he had a wonderful time and made lots of friends.
I can't understand why she's crying. Drama queen?