Has somebody abducted my lovely, kind, thoughtful MIL and stolen her phone?

[TerfranosaurusVagina]

Name changed for this as it is so bonkers and outing. My DS is 2.5 and I've booked him in to nursery for 1 morning a week to give myself a bit of a break as I've been struggling a bit recently plus he is getting virtually no peer interaction. I'm a SAHM and he doesnt like playing by himself so is always clamouring for attention.
I thought I had a brilliant relationship with my MIL until last week when I mentioned this, and she was horrified.
She went off on one about how hard her life was bringing up 3 kids with no support and an alcoholic husband, told me she thought I was spending too much time at the allotment that I hadn't been to since Christmas , that he was "too young" to send to nursery, he'd get completely overtired and a million and 1 other objections.
I wasnt too fazed, she's very traditional thinking, and replied calmly telling her all the good points about nursery and thought that was the end of it. It wasnt.
That evening she messaged my husband asking him what he thought about it, he told her he couldn't see a problem with it, to which she replied, "It is, he's only 2!" He replied saying he's not really had much to do with it as it was all my doing.
The next evening, DH met FIL as they were doing some work together and FIL mentioned she had been very upset about it and had been crying. At this point I thought Ive made my point, so she knows where I stand.
A week later she messaged me on Monday to let me know that she could look after him as usual on the Tuesday pm. I told her not to worry as he had conjunctivitis and was feeling rubbish.
She replied saying "this was one of the reasons she can't BEAR to think of him going to nursery. He gets ill every time he gets overtired (bollocks) and will catch everything going.

I wanted to put a stop to this pretty quick because she ruminates on stuff like this and just doesnt stop thinking about it, so I wrote a very arsey message, slept on it, then took all of the emotion out the next morning before sending it. I wrote 'I understand you are very much against DS going to nursery. I'm sending him for some badly needed social development and to preserve my mental health. Can we please leave it at that?'

She came back with some very passive aggressive comments about how advanced DS is and how he is not expected to learn to share till he's 3½ anyway, then one about me not able to get out the house early, and then at the end, offered to take DS from 8am on Tuesdays to make it a longer day for me.

I ignored the anal comments though I was cross about them, and just replied thanking her for the offer, and taking her up on it.

5 hours later she replied rescinding it, saying it would be unfair as well as the 7.30 nursery starts.

I'm seething so I haven't responded yet as I dont trust myself to be polite yet.

Just WTAF?!??!?
Has somebody abducted my lovely, kind, thoughtful MIL and stolen her phone?

You shouldn't have told her at all.I think your son will love having little friends and a break for you to. It's not the 1800s

Its none of her business end of. Its your child your choice.

This was my mother
She seemed to think she had every right to make decisions on my dc and when I put her in her place,she’d wail and cry to everyone about how unreasonable I was and it was her right to have full control
I sent mine to nursery at about 2.5 (I needed to work!) and she wailed and handwrung for weeks to anyone who’d listen about how selfish I was and how it was going to affect them so badly they’d become serial killers as soon as they hit their 16th birthday
This is the same woman who’s best mates dd didn’t send her ds to nursery and she then made snide comments about how he’d be ‘behind’, ’backwards’ and ‘wouldn’t cope at school’
He was fine at school and none of my lot have murdered anyone (as far as I know anyway!)

How do DMs and DMILs have the nerve to behave as they do? I just don’t understand it. My adult children love me very much but they wouldn’t tolerate this sort of behaviour from me and I’m very pleased that is the case. If I’m asked my opinion I give it, if not I don’t. I don’t always agree with what happens with my grandchildren but they’re not my children and I understand that. I’ve had my turn at bringing up a family and feel that my children deserve the chance to make their own decisions about their own families. Stay calm OP but absolutely don’t stand for this sort of nonsense.

I think there’s a few things going on for her.

It’s not the way she did it / she has diff parenting views
But I def think there is an element of her being resentful and possibly jealous of you / your life (I think this is quite common. After a few gins it’s pretty clear my mil would LOVE to be living my life and married to my DH 🤮🤮🤮)

Big yes to grey rock.
Just say something incredibly bland “thanks for letting me know. That’s not a problem.”
Just don’t engage in any future discussion…make a neutral statement and Change the conversation topic

I’d definitely be pulling the plug on her Tuesdays. She sounds very much like she is over-estimating her place in your DS’s life, and is also a very manipulative woman. I wouldn’t want this.

She sounds incredibly overinvolved and actually not like she wants what’s best for the child - I’m the first person to say I don’t think full time nursery for very young kids is ideal (although often it’s needs must) but I think some playgroup or nursery is beneficial.

If I would give any advice (as a longtime childcare worker) I would even say I would possibly do two mornings if you can afford it. Sometimes just one morning is actually harder to settle as they finally get there and it’s a whole week at home so they take longer to get in the swing of things.

But anyway he’ll have a fab time. Playing with mum, dad, grandma etc is brilliant but it’s no substitute for playing with little friends and learning new games and skills. Not just reading, writing, maths etc which can be taught at home, but much more important skills like sharing, playing with others, joining in. These are the skills it’s difficult to teach at home.

And also I can’t imagine he’ll be that exhausted after one morning a week! As I said I think full time long hours can be very tiring for babies and small children but one morning a week? Unless he suffers from some kind of energy deficiency I don’t think that will exhaust him.

So sorry you are dealing with this. At 2 1/2 of course he should be in nursery, learning to play with other kids his age and be looked after by someone else, otherwise you will be in for a shock on first day of Reception when you have the bratty 5 year old who won’t stop howling and clinging to you. Sounds like your husband needs a kick up the backside to back you up too!

I disagree with her completely but i understand where she’s coming from.

Many working mums feel very guilty for sending their children to nursery at a young age for many of the reasons your MIL believes.
It’s just mum guilt.

You are doing it and you don’t work so in her mind it’s twice as bad.

I don’t know how you can get her to see your POV.
Maybe focus more on the benefits for your DS rather than you’re doing it for yourself as she don’t understand that - she’ll just think you’re doing it for selfish reasons or just offer to have him.

Nursery is fantastic for socialising and playing with new toys and children. And if DS is an only child he’ll love it even more. Yes he’s going to be exhausted but that’s a good thing.

You are absolutely doing the right thing and in a couple of weeks you might decide actually it’s not working out or that you think he’ll benefit from more time there.

Agree with pp - one morning a week isn't enough as it's too long between sessions. Could you put him in for two, non-consecutive mornings? (I'm a nursery worker fwiw.)

As for your MIL I'd be telling her that if she wants to be upset about it then that's her choice. You've made your decision for valid reasons and you want to hear not more about it. If she brings it up tell her it's not open for discussion and you'll be ending the conversation if she doesn't change the topic.
.

@FusciasBright21

She sounds batshit and I would be blocking her. It is all completely unnecessary.

He replied saying he's not really had much to do with it as it was all my doing
this would also piss me right off, why did your husband feel the need to say that??

This !

She's probably worried about Covid and thinks the benefits of 'socialising' with other DCs isn't worth it. I'm guessing that's the subtext to her illness comments.
I don't think it makes her less lovely or kind just because she disagrees with you. Your relationship with her should have space for disagreement.
Your DH's reluctance to state an opinion, is an issue. Perhaps, she thinks he doesn't agree with you either.
fwiw my DC went to nursery but I wouldn't be sending a 2.5 yr old for one morning during Covid if I didn't have to send them. The risks don't outweigh the benefits.

Oops, typo - the risks outweigh the benefits imo.

My MIL is 94 (had DH very late after her others were grown up) and was conscious that he had no peer interaction - so she suggested to DH's Dad that he should go to nursery! That was back in the 70s, and she is a very old fashioned lady.

Your MIL sounds slightly unhinged - but it's weird she's been fine until now.

I sent DS to nursery at 2.5 because he was displaying some behavioural issues, and I took him to the council parenting programme and they suggested it. We had to pay but it was really worth it, as the staff were able to support us in getting a diagnosis of ASD, and helping us get the necessary support. The first couple of sessions (he did three half days a week) were upsetting as he looked so lost, but he soon grew to love it and it really helped expand his experiences. As PPs have said, lots of children go from much younger, and I'm sure it can only be beneficial.

Just stand firm, and she'll soon get over it. (At what age would she have expected him to go - or was she one of those who thinks he should stay home until primary school...???)

I suspect she does not know what modern nurseries are like. To be honest, before OFSTED although there were some high-quality nurseries, there were some totally awful ones as well. She may be thinking he is in a not very nice place which only parents who were totally desperate would use.
Could you ask her to take him to nursery one day so she can see what it is like?

I don't understand why grandma is so upset, your boy is only going for one session a week, not even one full day, and presumably, if you are not happy with the nursery you'll take him out. She is being somewhat OTT about this but will calm down. Just let it wash over you, all things pass.

@SolasAnla

That evening she messaged my husband asking him what he thought about it, he told her he couldn't see a problem with it, to which she replied, "It is, he's only 2!" He replied saying he's not really had much to do with it as it was all my doing.

Sad to point it out to you that you also have a husband problem.

MiL will keep on blaming you and acting up while your husband excludes himself from having to "babysit" his own child.
You are not the sole decision maker and organiser for childcare.
DH needs to step up and show a united front.

Agree. My first thought was wtf re what your husband said.

Your MIL really does not get to have input into your and your husband's decisions (even when he tries to wriggle out of them ) anymore than I do, as a complete stranger on the internet.
Don't engage any further on this. Decision made. End of.

Yanbu, obviously. If you want you could reassure her that if it doesn't suit ds you'll stop sending him, though if he's 'advanced' as she says it'll probably be great for him.

I know you didn't ask, but I agree with PP that twice a week would be better. Just once makes it harder to build relationships with the children/staff and get used to the routine.

Send her round to me. She can beat me up (or whatever she does to uncaring mother’s…) mine went FULL time at 6 months and… three months.
My mother (in her 70s)didn’t weep and wail, in fact she encouraged and helped me, realising that one in two marriages break down and it’s really important for a woman to keep an independent income…

My son went from 5 months, when I went back to work. It looks like she is projecting, perhaps a little envious that she did it all for 3DC. Just tell her that there's lots of reasearch about nursery children being more advanced when they start school than others.

@Opentooffers no unlikely envious. More likely that the nursery she knew about when her children were small was extremely poor. There would have been no OFSTED and not even a DBS in sight.

I’d just say no worries, fortunately childcare won’t cancel on me so i will still get a break, don’t worry about me! And it will be so good for him.

Yet another MIL who refuses to keep her fucking mouth shut. FFS, it's exhausting. Ignore her, op, and refuse to speak to her. Her darling son can handle any communication.

@Aquamarine1029 arent you lovely.