Has somebody abducted my lovely, kind, thoughtful MIL and stolen her phone?

[TerfranosaurusVagina]

Name changed for this as it is so bonkers and outing. My DS is 2.5 and I've booked him in to nursery for 1 morning a week to give myself a bit of a break as I've been struggling a bit recently plus he is getting virtually no peer interaction. I'm a SAHM and he doesnt like playing by himself so is always clamouring for attention.
I thought I had a brilliant relationship with my MIL until last week when I mentioned this, and she was horrified.
She went off on one about how hard her life was bringing up 3 kids with no support and an alcoholic husband, told me she thought I was spending too much time at the allotment that I hadn't been to since Christmas , that he was "too young" to send to nursery, he'd get completely overtired and a million and 1 other objections.
I wasnt too fazed, she's very traditional thinking, and replied calmly telling her all the good points about nursery and thought that was the end of it. It wasnt.
That evening she messaged my husband asking him what he thought about it, he told her he couldn't see a problem with it, to which she replied, "It is, he's only 2!" He replied saying he's not really had much to do with it as it was all my doing.
The next evening, DH met FIL as they were doing some work together and FIL mentioned she had been very upset about it and had been crying. At this point I thought Ive made my point, so she knows where I stand.
A week later she messaged me on Monday to let me know that she could look after him as usual on the Tuesday pm. I told her not to worry as he had conjunctivitis and was feeling rubbish.
She replied saying "this was one of the reasons she can't BEAR to think of him going to nursery. He gets ill every time he gets overtired (bollocks) and will catch everything going.

I wanted to put a stop to this pretty quick because she ruminates on stuff like this and just doesnt stop thinking about it, so I wrote a very arsey message, slept on it, then took all of the emotion out the next morning before sending it. I wrote 'I understand you are very much against DS going to nursery. I'm sending him for some badly needed social development and to preserve my mental health. Can we please leave it at that?'

She came back with some very passive aggressive comments about how advanced DS is and how he is not expected to learn to share till he's 3½ anyway, then one about me not able to get out the house early, and then at the end, offered to take DS from 8am on Tuesdays to make it a longer day for me.

I ignored the anal comments though I was cross about them, and just replied thanking her for the offer, and taking her up on it.

5 hours later she replied rescinding it, saying it would be unfair as well as the 7.30 nursery starts.

I'm seething so I haven't responded yet as I dont trust myself to be polite yet.

Just WTAF?!??!?
Has somebody abducted my lovely, kind, thoughtful MIL and stolen her phone?

It's one morning a week for you to get some time for other things! You're hardly shipping him off full days 5 days a week. DS1 started nursery when I had 9 months of maternity leave ahead. I didn't need it for work I could have just had both DC at home but DS1 has communication delays and nursery has brought his development on hugely. Have never seen anything about not being expected to share until whatever age.. but social development isn't only about sharing. Your DC gets to play with other kids in a change of environment and you get some extra time. Win win surely. Really weird hill to die on if she's normally lovely

Well done OP!

I would have said to her last time I checked I gave birth to him therefore ds is going to nursery and leave it at that

Sounds great op, well done.

As an aside, do you got to toddler groups etc where you can meet other mums with kids a similar age?

I was a sahm and those friendships were invaluable. They were going through the same stuff so we knew it was normal. It’s a lot easier to keep kids entertained if they have kids to play with and it was fun. It has led to amazing friendships, more kids, husbands getting to know each other etc and now we meet without the kids usually as they are all teens.

I'm seething so I haven't responded yet as I dont trust myself to be polite yet.
Don't respond.

When you refuse to engage on this topic, what's she going to do - have an argument with herself about it?
She might go & fulminate to DH, & FiL. Let her. They are adults, it's up to them how they respond.

She made & then rescinded her Tuesdays offer in order to retain some form of control. She probably thinks she is teaching you or punishing you or something. It doesn't matter - what she thinks is just that - what SHE thinks. You do not need to engage with it.

I wrote 'I understand you are very much against DS going to nursery. I'm sending him for some badly needed social development and to preserve my mental health. Can we please leave it at that?'
Well done with this. And VERY well done for sleeping on the earlier message & toning it down!
You need to keep this phrase as your go-to Broken Record response now - because you know she is going to keep needling on & on. Just repeat it - except, don't ASK if you can leave it at that - TELL her.

And if that doesn't make her back off -
"MiL you've made your views known & I disagree with them. I will raise my child as I see fit & am not going to discuss this with you again so please do yourself a favour & stop obsessing about my perfectly normal routine. Looking forward to seeing you on sunday - we're cooking that chicken dish you love, see you soon!"

You are 100% correct OP.
She will view any discussion as a legitimisation of her objections.

I see you've cancelled the Tuesdays. Good move. Don't respond to power plays. She can start having him over again in the future, when she stops giving you a hard time.

You are already doing all the right things OP, just keep on with the Grey Rock & refusal to legitimise her complaints by responding.

All that has happened now is that you have seen more messages from her, feel hurt at her character assassination, & let down by DH.

That's hard, & awkward, but doesn't materially change the situation.
It's not your MiL you need to argue with to prove that your way is the best & optimum way - it's yourself. So do whatever you can to get some equilibrium back, & continue letting MiL think whatever she wants to think, say whatever she needs to say - just not to YOU.

Fab later updates OP :)

Looking back through those messages she sent DH, it's all about her. What she thinks, how she feels, how she thinks DH shouldn't tell me etc etc.
If this, or similar, ever rears its ugly head again, you & DH need to LAUGH your way out of it.
It sounds like you are more on board as a team now, & H understand the importance of having your back. So if she reverts to old form - I would suggest that DH teases her out of it "Mum! I you really saying that my wife is a bad mother for keeping an allotment? What are you like! [patronising chuckle] Now - are you ready to have lunch yet?"
^^
It diminishes the import of whatever batshittery she is trying to pull.

So pleased for you op! What a great outcome and what strength of character you and your dh have shown by working through this and developing the self awareness and understanding necessary to build things into a better shape despite not having an the optimum life experiences. May you enjoy your family and marriage for many years to come. 👏👏👏👏