Has somebody abducted my lovely, kind, thoughtful MIL and stolen her phone?

[TerfranosaurusVagina]

Name changed for this as it is so bonkers and outing. My DS is 2.5 and I've booked him in to nursery for 1 morning a week to give myself a bit of a break as I've been struggling a bit recently plus he is getting virtually no peer interaction. I'm a SAHM and he doesnt like playing by himself so is always clamouring for attention.
I thought I had a brilliant relationship with my MIL until last week when I mentioned this, and she was horrified.
She went off on one about how hard her life was bringing up 3 kids with no support and an alcoholic husband, told me she thought I was spending too much time at the allotment that I hadn't been to since Christmas , that he was "too young" to send to nursery, he'd get completely overtired and a million and 1 other objections.
I wasnt too fazed, she's very traditional thinking, and replied calmly telling her all the good points about nursery and thought that was the end of it. It wasnt.
That evening she messaged my husband asking him what he thought about it, he told her he couldn't see a problem with it, to which she replied, "It is, he's only 2!" He replied saying he's not really had much to do with it as it was all my doing.
The next evening, DH met FIL as they were doing some work together and FIL mentioned she had been very upset about it and had been crying. At this point I thought Ive made my point, so she knows where I stand.
A week later she messaged me on Monday to let me know that she could look after him as usual on the Tuesday pm. I told her not to worry as he had conjunctivitis and was feeling rubbish.
She replied saying "this was one of the reasons she can't BEAR to think of him going to nursery. He gets ill every time he gets overtired (bollocks) and will catch everything going.

I wanted to put a stop to this pretty quick because she ruminates on stuff like this and just doesnt stop thinking about it, so I wrote a very arsey message, slept on it, then took all of the emotion out the next morning before sending it. I wrote 'I understand you are very much against DS going to nursery. I'm sending him for some badly needed social development and to preserve my mental health. Can we please leave it at that?'

She came back with some very passive aggressive comments about how advanced DS is and how he is not expected to learn to share till he's 3½ anyway, then one about me not able to get out the house early, and then at the end, offered to take DS from 8am on Tuesdays to make it a longer day for me.

I ignored the anal comments though I was cross about them, and just replied thanking her for the offer, and taking her up on it.

5 hours later she replied rescinding it, saying it would be unfair as well as the 7.30 nursery starts.

I'm seething so I haven't responded yet as I dont trust myself to be polite yet.

Just WTAF?!??!?
Has somebody abducted my lovely, kind, thoughtful MIL and stolen her phone?

You seem to have it sorted @TerfranosaurusVagina. (Laughing at the username 😆)
I think stopping any engagement with her on the subject is the right way to go. You don't have to further appease or justify, in her head this will just empower her.
I can't stand women who cry when they don't get their own way, it's very manipulative. I've had the tactic pulled on me a couple of times at work and I'm afraid they see me as a cold cow now.
My dh's response would have been the same as yours BTW, not to throw me under the bus, but more to say "namechange is the boss", which is how I think you mean your dh meant it.

Your MIL is hardly an 'older woman' if she is mid 50s ... I am ten years older than her and it is perfectly acceptable that DC went to pre school etc ... I went to a very old fashioned nursery school myself (we actually sat at desks in rows ) in the early 1960s.

I am not a grandmother but find it shocking that DMs/DMILs comment on the way their DGC are raised ... I am fortunate in that neither my DM or DMIL would have ever made such comments.

The thing is, she is right that, when he starts nursery he will pick up all the bugs.
Be prepared for him to catch chickenpox, hand foot and mouth, and non stop colds.
And she will say "I told you so".
It might be worth stopping her childcare for a few weeks, so he doesn't give her all the bugs, as she will then be able to double down on the guilt.

It’s always MILS or mother’s that never worked that seem to have the opinion that childcare is the work of the Devil and makes you a terrible mother, how dare you not want him 24/7?!

My paternal Grandmother worked her entire life, very supportive of me going back to work after Mat Leave.

My maternal Grandmother, who’s never worked a day in her life, repeatedly told me what a terrible mother I was, said some really fucking awful things to me, to the point it seriously damaged our relationship and it’s not been the same since - because every time I had a baby then went back to work, she’d start with her bullshit again. I have 3 children.

When my ds announced dgs 2.5 was going to nursery full time I was very supportive, outwardly.
After putting the phone down I sobbed.
But ds and ddil never knew because i recognised that they were capable parents doing what was best for their dc.

It's OK for your mil to have an opinion but she should keep it to herself.

I would let her know that DS is going full time.
Drop Tuesday.

Then block. Let DH deal with her. You need to preserve your MH and she isn't helping.

@Bullandbush

When my ds announced dgs 2.5 was going to nursery full time I was very supportive, outwardly. After putting the phone down I sobbed. But ds and ddil never knew because i recognised that they were capable parents doing what was best for their dc.

It's OK for your mil to have an opinion but she should keep it to herself.

Sobbed? Why? What a massive overreaction!

Not every child picks up bugs at nursery.... my DS didn't and has only ever had a couple of days off nursery/school in his life (20 now ).

I sent my DS to nursery school from aged 2 .... three mornings a week, I didn't 'have' to, I was SAHM but he is an only child and loved the socialising and interaction with other children and adults. I never felt 'guilty' about it, he was happy and had a huge range of activities to get involved in that were nothing like I could have provided - swimming, rural walks, farm animals, music, etc etc - he went full time (9-3) from 3. My DM never made any comment at all, she could see what a wonderful environment the nursery was (grandparents welcomed for 'lunch with a grandma' day etc).

Don’t bother trying to explain things to her anymore. She pegged you as 24/7 mommy home maker.

Your DH telling her you go full throttle is not supporting you, he should have presented a united front with you.

You should tell him it’s not on.

Obviously she is batshit but if she is usually good and you want to have a good relationship with her, could you invite her to come and look at the nursery with you? She will get to feel involved and see it is nothing like whatever nonsense she has in her head.

He's 2.5, totally normal to do a couple of mornings a week at nursery or pre school at that age, all 3 of mine did and I was a SAHM! In my case it wasn't for me, it was for them, they loved it, and I always thought most people sent them at that age. Maybe she just doesn't realise how normal this is these days

My daughter went three mornings a week from 2yrs 1m because she had a little sister on the way. I was at home too, but I needed a break because I was tired and then I had a newborn. Didn’t do her any harm and I’d argue it helped her development… she could read well by 3. Her little sister started even earlier and was in a whole day 7.30am - 4pm one day a week from a year because my husbands work opened an on site crèche and we were offered the place very cheaply. If anything she loved it and it ruined her for the rest of the week with boring old me and her boring grandparents 😂

Your MIL is loopy. Ignore. Get your husband to deal with her.

Bear in mind everything will change again if you are planning another baby. She will adapt and change with time, for better or worse! What I'm trying to say is that having young children is a very fluid, ever changing time of life so she will either start to get used to the fact there will be all sorts of changes, frequently, or she will freak out every time.

Of course he needs a bit of nursery time. Getting him used to it bit by bit, starting now, will help when it comes to having full days at school in 2 years.

We all parent in different ways and how we do so is often informed by how we were parented ourselves. Grandparents have views on how their children parent and sometimes, somewhat unconsciously, will them to make the same mistakes as they did to justify their own choices or so they are not forced to confront the impact the decisions they made had on their own children. (I have a complicated family, as many people do, my kids are late teens so I have had a long time to unpick my own decisions and feelings and the actions of those around me.) It sounds like you have a complicated relationship with your own mother and your MIL had a difficult time being a parent. I see you have taken a step back, take this space to reflect on your reaction, her reaction and your own mother's place in this story. Know that you will not be a perfect parent and forgive yourself for that and then look to others and have compassion for their failings.

I often have discussions with my sister, she sees the actions of my parents as hapless and product of circumstance. I see that we always have a choice, those choices are informed by our past experiences but we are always in a position to seek to make better choices when presented with information. She forgives.. I find blame.

I think my post might be a bit garbled... but take a breath, take some space and move forward.

@LightfoldEngines
Yes, I agree. I can only put it down to being menopausal and which is why I rightly kept my overreaction to myself.
My dgs loved nursery.

@FusciasBright21

She sounds batshit and I would be blocking her. It is all completely unnecessary.

He replied saying he's not really had much to do with it as it was all my doing
this would also piss me right off, why did your husband feel the need to say that??

Thank you! This was my thought too.

Instead of being a united front he decided to throw you to the wolves OP

My dc went to nursery at 9 and 10 months 3 days a week so she would've sponta eously combusted I think. I did feel guilty but needed to work so that was that. My dd is in school now, wanted to go to walk to her old nursery yesterday so can't be too traumatised but it all

I had the opposite. One day we went to visit pil with ds2. Their neighbour came out and was chatting and asked if he was going to nursery. Fil piped up "oh no, she's just going to teach him herself" with a sarcastic laugh and roll of the eyes. He was 4 months old and although I was off on mat leave at that point, I'm a childminder that works from home even more confusing, but then I think all their kids went to nursery fr a young age due to safe guarding concerns as both pil were alcoholics. My 2 nephews (twins, born around the same time as ds2, also went to nursery very young as ss were involved with them too).
People can be really really weird.

Where I live it's really common for 2 year olds to start pre school sessions including the 2 year olds of SAHM's;like myself we sent/send them for important social interaction with other children and to gain a little bit of independence before starting school as here they start part time school aged 3.

You DC will be going to nursery for what?;4-5 hours a week and your MIL is losing her shit over it?;she needs to give her head a wobble and stop being a drama queen.

Your DH needs to grow a pair and stand up to his mother;a simple please stop giving TerfranosaurusVagina grief over sending DC to nursery as it's our decision not yours should suffice.

I hope your DC enjoys their first day at nursery.

Does she want you barefoot and tied to a kitchen sink as well?

And what IS this nonsense about him not being expected to share until he's 3 1/2?!

To be honest, I've come up against that latter point before - from a batshit mother at playgroup whose kids were APPALLING at sharing because she "didn't think they could be taught to share that young".
Good job ALL the rest of the kids at the playgroup weren't brought up the same way or it would have been toddler carnage!!

If that's her way of doing things, then it's a very good idea to relieve her of ALL childcare input, and get him into more daycare, IMO.

Anyway - she can be as devastated as she likes over it - he's Not Her Child, and she Has No Say.

Op maybe she's been lovely til now because everything you've done as a dil and mother has met her approval, and this is the first time it hasn't. This could be the pattern for future events and she sounds very controlling. Your dh sounds enmeshed and I'm wondering if she's a narcissistic parent and he's the golden child? Could be totally wrong but maybe check out the but we took you to stately homes thread?

My MIL went batshit when we had the babies. Totally over the top mad.

I think it’s because first we were in a ‘child’ position, obedient to her wishes. Afterwards we were adults and making decisions she disagree with. It also triggered all sorts of emotional connections back to her insecurities of motherhood and even further back to unhappiness in her childhood.

My advice would be to maintain boundaries calmly without malice. Dh and I had to mourn the relationship we once had with her…but life goes on.

FFS I would be so annoyed. It's. It like it's 8am to 6pm everyday. I could understand the concern about that, though still not her place to say anything. She sounds bitter.

It's not like...

DS has gone to nursery from 13 months, I'm very pro nursery for socialising etc especially for onlies like ours. However I'd never put him in nursery when I wasn't working (or dh), I get needing a break I do a very demanding full time job and still have all of the other household stuff to sort out when I'm not working and 2/3 year olds need a lot of attention. It's just a busy time of life, it's to be expected, this is why dad's/husbands need to pull their weight too. She probably feels the same, she did it in harder circumstances and managed and this is where she's being judgemental. However you are not me or her, if you are happy with your decision and so is the child's father, it's really nothing to do with anyone else.