Has somebody abducted my lovely, kind, thoughtful MIL and stolen her phone?

[TerfranosaurusVagina]

Name changed for this as it is so bonkers and outing. My DS is 2.5 and I've booked him in to nursery for 1 morning a week to give myself a bit of a break as I've been struggling a bit recently plus he is getting virtually no peer interaction. I'm a SAHM and he doesnt like playing by himself so is always clamouring for attention.
I thought I had a brilliant relationship with my MIL until last week when I mentioned this, and she was horrified.
She went off on one about how hard her life was bringing up 3 kids with no support and an alcoholic husband, told me she thought I was spending too much time at the allotment that I hadn't been to since Christmas , that he was "too young" to send to nursery, he'd get completely overtired and a million and 1 other objections.
I wasnt too fazed, she's very traditional thinking, and replied calmly telling her all the good points about nursery and thought that was the end of it. It wasnt.
That evening she messaged my husband asking him what he thought about it, he told her he couldn't see a problem with it, to which she replied, "It is, he's only 2!" He replied saying he's not really had much to do with it as it was all my doing.
The next evening, DH met FIL as they were doing some work together and FIL mentioned she had been very upset about it and had been crying. At this point I thought Ive made my point, so she knows where I stand.
A week later she messaged me on Monday to let me know that she could look after him as usual on the Tuesday pm. I told her not to worry as he had conjunctivitis and was feeling rubbish.
She replied saying "this was one of the reasons she can't BEAR to think of him going to nursery. He gets ill every time he gets overtired (bollocks) and will catch everything going.

I wanted to put a stop to this pretty quick because she ruminates on stuff like this and just doesnt stop thinking about it, so I wrote a very arsey message, slept on it, then took all of the emotion out the next morning before sending it. I wrote 'I understand you are very much against DS going to nursery. I'm sending him for some badly needed social development and to preserve my mental health. Can we please leave it at that?'

She came back with some very passive aggressive comments about how advanced DS is and how he is not expected to learn to share till he's 3½ anyway, then one about me not able to get out the house early, and then at the end, offered to take DS from 8am on Tuesdays to make it a longer day for me.

I ignored the anal comments though I was cross about them, and just replied thanking her for the offer, and taking her up on it.

5 hours later she replied rescinding it, saying it would be unfair as well as the 7.30 nursery starts.

I'm seething so I haven't responded yet as I dont trust myself to be polite yet.

Just WTAF?!??!?
Has somebody abducted my lovely, kind, thoughtful MIL and stolen her phone?

Oh wow! Thanks for all your support! It makes such a difference
I spoke to DH and told him how unsupported and hurt I felt and I think he is going to tell her to back off. Their relationship is complicated as he was her emotional support from his early teens. I think its called emotional incest or enmeshment. Explains a lot in our marriage and a big part of the reason my mental health has in the 1st place!!
He has always been very averse to conflict so its an uncomfortable step for him!
MIL is only in her 50s. She has been there when I've needed emergency childcare and has always been welcoming and previously always professed to be anxious not to interfere!! I'm baffled and very hurt why she has suddenly turned on me!
I thought I made myself pretty clear in as civil a manner as I could be but she has completely trashed every boundary and gone on the attack.

I'm going to step back from the weekly Tuesdays for now. She is obviously majorly overinvested and I wonder if she thinks this gives her a say in his childcare. I will be sending him in 2 mornings a week

[quote Monopolyiscrap]@Aquamarine1029 arent you lovely.[/quote]
Thank you so much! I really am. It's mother-in-laws like the op's, and mine, that can make your life a misery. If you haven't experienced this, you have absolutely no idea how horrible it is.

I'm gutted because it has changed how I view her. My own mother is very unreliable and it was lovely to have a grandmother who cared deeply and wanted to spend time with us. Literally feels like a kick to the stomach.

I think some of it is Well I had to make do so you should too, but mostly I believe she thinks I should be spending every waking second making precious memories with him. Ironically I'd actually spend more quality time with him by sending him off to nursery so I can just crack on while he's not at home. When she has him, she dedicates the whole afternoon to coddling him and spoiling him rotten.

She's controlling and the tears are tears of frustration because you aren't doing what she is telling you to do.
You are right to take a step back. But bear in mind, you cannot then ask her to take him for a few hours if you have an appt, or for a few hours babysitting while you go out with your DH.

You will have to accept its all or nothing for now and possibly in the longterm too.......

@Teenagehorrorbag

My MIL is 94 (had DH very late after her others were grown up) and was conscious that he had no peer interaction - so she suggested to DH's Dad that he should go to nursery! That was back in the 70s, and she is a very old fashioned lady.

Your MIL sounds slightly unhinged - but it's weird she's been fine until now.

I sent DS to nursery at 2.5 because he was displaying some behavioural issues, and I took him to the council parenting programme and they suggested it. We had to pay but it was really worth it, as the staff were able to support us in getting a diagnosis of ASD, and helping us get the necessary support. The first couple of sessions (he did three half days a week) were upsetting as he looked so lost, but he soon grew to love it and it really helped expand his experiences. As PPs have said, lots of children go from much younger, and I'm sure it can only be beneficial.

Just stand firm, and she'll soon get over it. (At what age would she have expected him to go - or was she one of those who thinks he should stay home until primary school...???)

I was discussing the whole drama with my SIL who told me that months ago she had asked MIL if she knew when my DS would be starting pre-school. Cue a gasp and a shocked face and SURELY he wouldn't!!! I presume that means she would expect me to keep him at home until primary school.

You need to ask your H what exactly he meant when he told her it was all your doing.

The weasel.

Children start “school” in france at 3. Some schools allow them to enter slightly younger.
You're doing nothing wrong and you don’t need to justify your parenting decisions.
As PP said maybe her views on nurseries are outdated hence the outrage in her part. Either way not your problem, get DH to talk to her rather than sending text messages.

@Smileatthesmallthings

My mother-in-law was encouraging me to send DS to nursery even though it impacted on her time with him because she knew it would be good for him.

As PP have said, her views could be skewed by an historical view of nurseries. Especially if this is really unlike her and out of the blue. Could you maybe sit with her and see what her actual concerns are about it, and maybe show her the website, the ofsted report and even take her to look around so she can see the kind of place he will be in.

She is so dead set against the idea that opening up any dialogue about it will be seen as an invitation to try and change my mind on it. I think it will be best to grey rock on this and then perhaps, in the distant future once she has calmed down, and DS has spouted off how much he loves it to her I can show her round it and she can see for herself how brilliant it is. I don't want to end the relationship- I still care about her deeply, but I do want her to realise that she has stepped very very far over the line. If I let her ride roughshod over me about this, whats to stop her from doing it over something else equally batshit?

@mathanxiety

You need to ask your H what exactly he meant when he told her it was all your doing.

The weasel.

Those weren't the exact words he wrote and have come across worse than intended.

I think he wrote that he doesn't have a problem with DS going to nursery, that I had gone and visited one to check it out, then when MIL carried on he replied that he didn't know what I had said to her, he hadn't looked into it properly yet and that I normally get an idea in my head and goes off 100mph with it.
To be fair I have ADHD so thats not inaccurate but thanks for the solidarity.

@TerfranosaurusVagina - If your DH & MIL’s relationship had inappropriate emotional boundaries, she WILL try and repeat this pattern with your child. Having a regularly scheduled pattern of access will not only make her feel entitled, but establishes a legal framework for her to take you to court for access if you decide that she’s just too much. Looking at what is happening with one of my friends who is divorcing someone from a background like this (if not a bit more extreme) I think you should be wary. Your MIL may seem entitled. You talk about her having opinions of someone from a bygone era, and yet I am 50 and childcare has always been a normal part of life for mothers my age and older. Please be watchful for signs that MIL is blurring the boundaries between grandmother and mother when she has your DS. She may like to give the impression that she’s an older mum rather than a young grandmother. Iyswim

In spite of her unreasonableness, I think it is sad and not particularly kind to take away MIL's regular morning with DS. You have known her for years and describe her as: 'lovely, kind, thoughtful MIL'. She is obviously way out of line here, but there is no need to withdraw contact; people are complicated, have problems and hangups, and don't always behave well. I wouldn't escalate this.

@TerfranosaurusVagina

I'm going to step back from the weekly Tuesdays for now. She is obviously majorly overinvested and I wonder if she thinks this gives her a say in his childcare. I will be sending him in 2 mornings a week

Not sure if I've picked you up wrong here, but are you saying you'll send him in to nursery 2 mornings instead of him having time with gran?

She's behaved appallingly and totally overstepped boundaries, BUT I do think a half day at nursery and half day with gran is a lovely balance for your child. It would be a real shame to lose that (as long as she backs off and stops commenting on your parenting choices!).

My DS had a mix of nursery and grandparents when he was younger and it was a lovely balance for him.

Taking away regular time with MiL is absolutely the right choice if she has started using it as a weapon to control the OP’s choices. If the MiL hadn’t brought it into the nursery disagreement then it would be different.

I totally get why you're so enraged. My DM and MIL feel this way about nursery so I've had several comments from them already about my plans to send DC to playgroup at 2.5. At the same time, I know they cherish my DC like their own and have a really special bond. For that reason I'm willing to tolerate any comments or criticisms, safe in the knowledge that I'm satisfied I'm making the right decision (I do have the thick skin of a rhino where I appreciate some people are more sensitive to the comments of others). The measured approach you've taken so far suggests you are a very rational person and I get there are limits. But i'd implore you not to burn bridges with someone who cares profoundly for your child and you but is going about it all the wrong way. She seems to genuinely believe your child will be harmed by entering a childcare setting, which she is obviously very very wrong about, but hence why she is behaving in this totally unreasonable and illogical way. I don't have an answer for how to placate her, but her track record as a reliable, loving and caring grandmother means you should try to preserve the relationship as best as possible. I try to keep in mind this saying when dealing with difficult family members: let the one who has sense let the other one pass.

Yes keep your boundaries.

Well done for standing your ground. I hope she calms down enough to go pick Ds up with you one day and see what a nice place he is in.

I would have no hesitancy in you sending your LO to a nursery and I’m coming up to that GP age. Mine went full time until they started school, neither suffered, both intelligent, loving, functioning adults with no recollection of nursery other than the ducks the garden and Sarah their nursery nurse.

She’s really being irrational and your DH needs to tell her.

Those weren't the exact words he wrote and have come across worse than intended.

I think he wrote that he doesn't have a problem with DS going to nursery, that I had gone and visited one to check it out, then when MIL carried on he replied that he didn't know what I had said to her, he hadn't looked into it properly yet and that I normally get an idea in my head and goes off 100mph with it.

Well that’s actually worse than what you originally wrote. He needs to deal with this and take responsibility rather than accuse you of rushing into things not thinking, which effectively feeds into your MIL thinking she’s right.

@JustKeepSwimmingJust

Taking away regular time with MiL is absolutely the right choice if she has started using it as a weapon to control the OP’s choices. If the MiL hadn’t brought it into the nursery disagreement then it would be different.

I completely agree with this too.

Sounds like my mil she went nuts about me putting my lo in nursery at 18 months just so weird and it's killed our relationship. My partner stuck up for his mother, think it's killed the relationship with my partner too. Sorry you have to go through this, it's defo a control thing, controlling her son and grandchild!

Also I except zero childcare from her now, plus she's always commenting about nursery germs and doesn't get physically close to her now 🙄

Is your child the first of her grandchildren to go to nursery?

I ask because my normally very sensible mother was horrified when my eldest sister sent her child to nursery when she went back to work. Bear in mind that my mother raised three girls to be independent and career oriented. My eldest sister is a fairly high level doctor. There was never any v question that she would want to be a sahp. My mother just hadn't got her head around the step change since the expectations that were placed on her - that is to say that she would stay at home and look after the kids and run the house.

By the time i got round to having my kids my mom was much more on board with nursery as a standard.

I think you have found her psychological achilles heel and inadvertently pushed a button.
Sounds like she had a tough time as a young mum and has probably survived that by telling herself that all the pain and difficulty was worth it cos she did it all 'right'. She was probably enjoying that her son had chosen a mother for his kids who went on to be a sahm, more confirmation that her sacrifice was worth it as her son wanted the same he'd had for his child. Etc etc then you make a change and she can't accept that this is an improvement, because that would be accepting that her way hadn't been as necessary as she needed to believe to get through raising 3 young kids with an alcoholic partner in an era where if you weren't a martyr to your motherhood you were doing it wrong.
She may be jealous that you have the option of a safety valve.

Whether my little potted armchair analysis is accurate or not, the fact is she is a swirling mess of emotions and non of it is personal to you. It's all her internal thoughts in a mess splatting into your day. Annoying to deal with but ultimately not personal.
Just grey rock the whole issue and as you watch her writhe through her painful personal emotional mess, try to feel sympathy and be glad that won't be you in 30 years time, that might take the setting out of it.
If she's mean don't allow it though just say it's not on and you won't accept it. But don't engage, it's not worth it.
She'll get it into perspective eventually and you'll have nice mil back again.

That's even worse.
He basically told her you haven't thought it through properly.