Has somebody abducted my lovely, kind, thoughtful MIL and stolen her phone?

[TerfranosaurusVagina]

Name changed for this as it is so bonkers and outing. My DS is 2.5 and I've booked him in to nursery for 1 morning a week to give myself a bit of a break as I've been struggling a bit recently plus he is getting virtually no peer interaction. I'm a SAHM and he doesnt like playing by himself so is always clamouring for attention.
I thought I had a brilliant relationship with my MIL until last week when I mentioned this, and she was horrified.
She went off on one about how hard her life was bringing up 3 kids with no support and an alcoholic husband, told me she thought I was spending too much time at the allotment that I hadn't been to since Christmas , that he was "too young" to send to nursery, he'd get completely overtired and a million and 1 other objections.
I wasnt too fazed, she's very traditional thinking, and replied calmly telling her all the good points about nursery and thought that was the end of it. It wasnt.
That evening she messaged my husband asking him what he thought about it, he told her he couldn't see a problem with it, to which she replied, "It is, he's only 2!" He replied saying he's not really had much to do with it as it was all my doing.
The next evening, DH met FIL as they were doing some work together and FIL mentioned she had been very upset about it and had been crying. At this point I thought Ive made my point, so she knows where I stand.
A week later she messaged me on Monday to let me know that she could look after him as usual on the Tuesday pm. I told her not to worry as he had conjunctivitis and was feeling rubbish.
She replied saying "this was one of the reasons she can't BEAR to think of him going to nursery. He gets ill every time he gets overtired (bollocks) and will catch everything going.

I wanted to put a stop to this pretty quick because she ruminates on stuff like this and just doesnt stop thinking about it, so I wrote a very arsey message, slept on it, then took all of the emotion out the next morning before sending it. I wrote 'I understand you are very much against DS going to nursery. I'm sending him for some badly needed social development and to preserve my mental health. Can we please leave it at that?'

She came back with some very passive aggressive comments about how advanced DS is and how he is not expected to learn to share till he's 3½ anyway, then one about me not able to get out the house early, and then at the end, offered to take DS from 8am on Tuesdays to make it a longer day for me.

I ignored the anal comments though I was cross about them, and just replied thanking her for the offer, and taking her up on it.

5 hours later she replied rescinding it, saying it would be unfair as well as the 7.30 nursery starts.

I'm seething so I haven't responded yet as I dont trust myself to be polite yet.

Just WTAF?!??!?
Has somebody abducted my lovely, kind, thoughtful MIL and stolen her phone?

Even if she believes it wrong, it's none of her business. Notice fathers hobbies are rarely questioned.

She loves her grandson, that's obvious. And she has overstepped bouderies as well.

Try to see how she is feeling. She genuinely believe this will be bad for DS. You say she's always been supportive and non-interfering so this abrupt change comes from her worries for DS.

She may have heard horror tales when your DH was young and not realised how good nurseries can be. I think trying to reassure her alongside telling her to back off would help.

You need better backup. My normally lovely MiL started sending pass-agg links to articles about how nurseries would be full of covid when reopening after the pandemic (it was either Nov 2020 or Jan 2021). Nothing from herself in her own words, as she knows I'm made of steel under a pleasant polite exterior! I forwarded her last message about it to DH who responded, er, full force, and that was the last word on the matter.

@Ragwort

Your MIL is hardly an 'older woman' if she is mid 50s ... I am ten years older than her and it is perfectly acceptable that DC went to pre school etc ... I went to a very old fashioned nursery school myself (we actually sat at desks in rows ) in the early 1960s.

I am not a grandmother but find it shocking that DMs/DMILs comment on the way their DGC are raised ... I am fortunate in that neither my DM or DMIL would have ever made such comments.

I’m older still, my DGC all went to nursery school from a young age, their parents work! I think children benefit from good nursery provision, especially if they have no siblings. I actually wish it had been more of an option in the 70s when I was a young mum.

God, this brings back memories. My step MIL was aghast that I was sending 2.5 yr old DS to 2morning playgroup sessions per week - 1.5 hours each. He bloody loved it.
Had the same passive aggressive comments that I was putting my needs first ect
Luckily for me my MIL worked in early years care and called FIL to tell him to have a word with his wife

The reception teacher at the school I teach at always has a really hard time with the children who’ve never been to nursery or preschool before they start. If MIL continues, you could throw the prep for school argument at her.

Or tell her to bugger off, either way. But I’m all for keeping the peace!

It's NONE OF HER BUSINESS! And why is a grown woman crying about something so trivial, for god's sake. I honestly don't know how you cope with someone so ridiculous.

Maybe when you all say nursery they hear forced child labour camps with little orange rompers & cauldrons ofgruel.

Children & weddings bring out the worst in some people.

@Fridgeorflight

That's the kind of batshit response I get occasionally from my DM. Most of the time she's quite sane and then she gets a bee in her bonnet about something weird. She once phoned me in tears to tell me that I couldn't possibly get a new sofa as that would be too big a change for my 6yo DD to handle. Nothing I could say would persuade her that she was being a bit irrational. DD is fine with the new sofa .

That's one of the best things I've read on MN

She's in her 50s. I'm in my 50s and Ds went to nursery for 2 mornings a week when I was SAHM so its not like that was unusual. I can see if she managed without the support she might be a bit jealous.

However, is she menopausal? I'm really against the whole blaming everything on the menopause but I have seen friends where tears and catastrophising can be all part of the hormonal rollercoaster.

Also I'd send ds for 2 mornings if you can. We were going to send dd once a week at 2 and a half, and the preschool said leaving a week between each visit could hinder her setting in. I felt guilty sending her for 2 straight away as a sahm (which I now 100% regret and wish I hadn't) so stuck with one morning and the preschool were totally right about it not helping dd settle in. So we upped it to 2 mornings and she soon settled in and started enjoying going. It was great for her social development, there's a lot more for them to learn and develop than just "learning to share"! It helped her speech, her potty training, and overall was a really lovely positive experience for her. She has really happy memories of her preschool days, and some of her best friends 8 years later are still the ones she met when she started there. Another positive was when she started school there were about 10 of them from preschool that were all put in the same class, and that likewise helped her with setting in at school

@AnotherEmma

She's not lovely, kind and thoughtful. She's massively overstepping boundaries. You are partially at fault for thinking you have to justify your parenting choices to her. You don't.

How much childcare does she usually do?

Agree with this. Need to change tack here they are one of “those families” - histrionic controlling parent, flying monkey (FIL), enabler (your DH) - and you have just (or maybe already have been but didn’t notice) - the one they ALL scapegoat:

“He replied saying he's not really had much to do with it as it was all my doing.
The next evening, DH met FIL as they were doing some work together and FIL mentioned she had been very upset about it and had been crying.”

Your DH threw you under the bus - know that.

You don’t ever have to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) your decisions to anyone - it hands them power and erodes your boundaries.

Don’t argue with her. Cut the dynamic short. Drop the rope. Step back and put in some emotional distance. Don’t get drawn into her unresolved stuff and this dodgy dynamic.

Enjoy your time off and your son will have a ball.

Let her flounce and flounder leave her your DH to deal with his irrational DM. Nonsense.

My exMIL was horrified when we put DD in nursery, she had made some wild assumption (she has form for this) that she'd be having dd full time when I went back to work, me going back to work wasn't a problem as long as she was having dd full time. Could your MIL have had similar delusions that she was the default child care proo? My exMIL had apparently been telling her friends what was going to happen as if it was all agreed.

She also had no idea what a nursery was like and I think had imagined I was leaving a baby to fend for itself at a play group in a draughty church hall, she felt better when she'd been to an event and saw it for herself.

Being horrified about him going to school struck me.

She had a shit time raising her own kids and didn’t get to ‘enjoy’ their babyhood as much as she wanted. So now she is living it out via your son, hence spoiling him rotten when she sees him.

Him going to nursery and later preschool is him growing up and gaining independence, which she just doesn’t want. When he is with her does she baby him a bit?

Total armchair psychology.

Grey rock and get your husband to explain that she has to do the work fixing the relationship, you will not be chasing after her. He also needs to see his role in this, and how it has affected you and the family dynamic. By trying to placate his mum he has made the whole situation worse for everyone.

(I send my then 2.5 year old to nursery for the same reasons)

@PermanentTemporary

I just wouldn't respond. She's said her piece, she doesn't get to make the decision, she'll get over it.

Yes this.

Don’t feed it.

Calmly and assertively carry on with your actions - you don’t answer to her and you certainly don’t answer to emotionally manipulative histrionic tears and tantrums.

My DC both started nursery full time at 1. MIL thinks I'm a career driven monster not that she was offering to help at all. Thankfully she's never cried, we don't discuss it any more, the DC are fine and she is content to just gossip to all her friends about what strange parenting decisions we make 😂

I guess it comes from a place of worry about decisions they don't understand. Just give bland responses, don't adjust your plans for MIL and don't get drawn into a debate. When the world carries on turning despite your DS being in nursery, she will move on.

Not really what you're asking but if you can afford to, book him in for 2 or 3 mornings a week, that way he won't have such a long break between each session (and it will take your MiL down a peg or 2)

Bit of a different approach and by no means should you have to justify yourself. But could you call in to the nursery with your MIL so she can see the place maybe then her view would be different. Maybe just explain to the nursery staff MIL might be picking him up here so just wanted to show her around or something. I mean only if she doesn't over step the mark with anything else. If this is the only time she has ever tried to make her opinion the priority then fair enough if not she needs to be told out right this is ur child and u always put there best interest at the heart of all ur decisions.

My Mum was exactly the same when my children first went to nursery and a childminder. Stated they were too young, didn't "need" to go etc and was very negative about it.

I do think it's generational to some extent, mums in her era generally didn't work or did so around their children. My mum had a hard time accepting that we couldn't manage to pay the mortgage and bills on just my husbands salary.

I would try not to respond or get drawn in and remember that she's concerned because she loves your child. Within a short time it will be normal and she won't be worried any more.

@BreasticlesNotTesticles

How old is she? I only ask because my DM is 76 and was horrified when I sent DD to nursery as they used to be council run places for the struggling when her DC were little 50 years previously Nothing at all like the care now.

Does she have a realistic view of a nursery these days?

Really?? My mum is 73 and we went to nursery. They were thought of as quite middle class back in the 70s and 80s.

Just a thought here..would there be a chance your MIL sees your husband and child and herself as one unit and you are just the extra,I don't mean to annoy you but it comes across here like you were looking for validation/permission for sending your son to the creche maybe without realising it.I think it's brilliant for your child to go a couple of mornings a week,he will love it and so will you BECAUSE its very important for sahm to have me time,I did the very same thing myself. I think its only now you are seeing what your MIL is really like.she seems very judgey

Do not bring mil near the nursery as that's like looking for validation from her,anyway it might embarrass your son as he's getting all grown up and independent now

She would explode at me, I'm sending my two year old to preschool for two short days a week for a break, to retrain ready to go back to work and to get them ready for school. She loves playing with the other children. My MIL thinks they should only do mornings, not full days before school, but she doesn't actually want to help. I'm not sure she'll be too impressed by full time preschool next year either so I can work. She thinks SAHM is the default, she doesn't seem to realise that living on one wage means you have less money. It was a very different world back then, she had a big group of SAHM friends and it was all play dates at each other's houses and cheap church hall groups, being a SAHM is much more isolating today as most women go back to work.

@maz210

My Mum was exactly the same when my children first went to nursery and a childminder. Stated they were too young, didn't "need" to go etc and was very negative about it.

I do think it's generational to some extent, mums in her era generally didn't work or did so around their children. My mum had a hard time accepting that we couldn't manage to pay the mortgage and bills on just my husbands salary.

I would try not to respond or get drawn in and remember that she's concerned because she loves your child. Within a short time it will be normal and she won't be worried any more.

I think it was a generation thing for my exMIL who was born in the 1940s and was in her 50s when my eldest was born, but the OPs MIL is in her 50s now, so born in the 1960s, if she's 55 she turned 18 in 1984.

If it were me I would not rely on her for any form of childcare anymore. Of course she can visit, come along on days out etc if you are all happy with that, but I would not have a regular arrangement where she has him at preagreed times every week. It's giving her the impression that she's in charge.

You need to put some boundaries in place. Obviously she loves her grandchild and has opinions on things, but it is absolutely not her choice and she has no say in any parenting decisions. She needs to understand this.