Has somebody abducted my lovely, kind, thoughtful MIL and stolen her phone?

[TerfranosaurusVagina]

Name changed for this as it is so bonkers and outing. My DS is 2.5 and I've booked him in to nursery for 1 morning a week to give myself a bit of a break as I've been struggling a bit recently plus he is getting virtually no peer interaction. I'm a SAHM and he doesnt like playing by himself so is always clamouring for attention.
I thought I had a brilliant relationship with my MIL until last week when I mentioned this, and she was horrified.
She went off on one about how hard her life was bringing up 3 kids with no support and an alcoholic husband, told me she thought I was spending too much time at the allotment that I hadn't been to since Christmas , that he was "too young" to send to nursery, he'd get completely overtired and a million and 1 other objections.
I wasnt too fazed, she's very traditional thinking, and replied calmly telling her all the good points about nursery and thought that was the end of it. It wasnt.
That evening she messaged my husband asking him what he thought about it, he told her he couldn't see a problem with it, to which she replied, "It is, he's only 2!" He replied saying he's not really had much to do with it as it was all my doing.
The next evening, DH met FIL as they were doing some work together and FIL mentioned she had been very upset about it and had been crying. At this point I thought Ive made my point, so she knows where I stand.
A week later she messaged me on Monday to let me know that she could look after him as usual on the Tuesday pm. I told her not to worry as he had conjunctivitis and was feeling rubbish.
She replied saying "this was one of the reasons she can't BEAR to think of him going to nursery. He gets ill every time he gets overtired (bollocks) and will catch everything going.

I wanted to put a stop to this pretty quick because she ruminates on stuff like this and just doesnt stop thinking about it, so I wrote a very arsey message, slept on it, then took all of the emotion out the next morning before sending it. I wrote 'I understand you are very much against DS going to nursery. I'm sending him for some badly needed social development and to preserve my mental health. Can we please leave it at that?'

She came back with some very passive aggressive comments about how advanced DS is and how he is not expected to learn to share till he's 3½ anyway, then one about me not able to get out the house early, and then at the end, offered to take DS from 8am on Tuesdays to make it a longer day for me.

I ignored the anal comments though I was cross about them, and just replied thanking her for the offer, and taking her up on it.

5 hours later she replied rescinding it, saying it would be unfair as well as the 7.30 nursery starts.

I'm seething so I haven't responded yet as I dont trust myself to be polite yet.

Just WTAF?!??!?
Has somebody abducted my lovely, kind, thoughtful MIL and stolen her phone?

It’s probably best to have him in 2 mornings a week rather than 1, they settle in a new environment better if it’s more frequent. When I first looked into DS1 going to nursery they all said it would be minimum 2 sessions a week as that’s best for the children. Just fyi and in case you end up needing to justify that choice to increase to 2 :)

I sent mine off at 7 months for a full day to nursery for a break. I was a SAHM with no other children. It was great.
It’s your child and your MIL’’s opinion is irrelevant. Don’t engage on this topic with her.

Well that’s actually worse than what you originally wrote. He needs to deal with this and take responsibility rather than accuse you of rushing into things not thinking, which effectively feeds into your MIL thinking she’s right.

I agree! Your DH has made things worse here.

I find the comment above odd-:How old is she? I only ask because my DM is 76 and was horrified when I sent DD to nursery as they used to be council run places for the struggling when her DC were little 50 years previously

My mum is slightly older and my siblings and I (40/50s) and friends all went to council-run play schools from 3, before starting school. It certainly wasn’t for those who were struggling.

As for her rescinding her offer, I'd simply reply with 'thanks for letting me know'. It's a poorly thought out attempt to manipulate you into not sending him to nursery,

I also think your dh was a tad out of order, by removing any responsibility of the decision off himself

I'll preface this by saying I'm not a fan of nursery before 3 years for most children. Even so;

You are 100% in the right. Your mother in law needs to stay in her lane.

You need to reset the boundaries in that relationship and be very clear about who is the parent and who is not. It doesn't matter if she is 'right'. It's subjective and you are the parent, so she needs to pipe down and remember her role is a supportive one.

I think you should see this as an opportunity to improve the relationship. Good relationships have boundaries and this is an important one. Setting it clearly now will pave the way for a healthy relationship in the longer term.

I think having two half days of nursery is a good short term move. If she thinks that the childcare is her leverage over you, then taking it out of the equation while you reset the boundaries is probably for the best. I wouldn't commit to it long term because ideally she'll get the picture and the relationship can move forward on steadier footing.

I'll add by saying: this wasn't really an argument about nursery. Nursery just happens to be the thing that brought the boundaries issue to light. If you hadn't sent him to nursery she would have eventually kicked off about something else because she doesn't understand where the line is. She thinks she's a decision maker when it comes to DS and she isn't.

And yes you have a DH problem. His answer should be 'that's what we've decided, please respect that'. He needs to get clearer on the boundaries as well.

She sounds like a bloody drama queen. Anyone would think you're drowning kittens in front of him.

Maybe she has set ideas about how hard she had it with a Alcoholic husband ,and "doing her best" .Probably thinks you have it so much easier and all that crap. If you have prev got on well together then maybe leave it for a few days/week or so .When you do see her dont say anything about it .I was a SAHM but liked a couple of mornings "off" and a chance to catch up .DC made friends too. Often GDMs look back on DC childhood with nostalgia and "forget" the hard parts!

Wow it shocks me how some MILs really think they have a say to how we raise their grandchildren! (Mine included ) there is absolutely nothing wrong with nursery for your son! I know babies who have gone full time from 9 months. I'd just start to ignore her now she will soon realise if she carries in that you won't put up with it

Grey rock OP. Any further mention of the subject is met with either silence or "we've made our decision, thanks".

I wouldn't take away their morning together though as I do think that's a lovely thing.

I am a sahm. Initially Ds went to nursery 3 days a week as I worked part time but when he was around 18 months I became a sahm and have been ever since. We still put him in nursery 1 day a week. It was near Dh's work place so he did the drop off and pick up and it was their time together. We had always shared drop offs and pick ups before.

I managed a day to get things done and some lovely me time. Ds2 didn't go to nursery as he was a poorly baby/toddler but I did put him in playgroup which was 2 hours twice a week and he loved it. He was 2.5yrs. Then both my children went to preschool at 3 attached to the school they then attended for 5 mornings.

Yes you are a mother but you are also a person with wants and needs. They get so much from nursery interaction with loads of children in a setting where no one owns the toys. My children absolutely loved it all.

I am not quite sure what is going on with your MIL and her extreme reaction. If it is brought up again I would just say I want the best for my child and in mine and Dh's opinion as the parents we feel nursery would be beneficial to our child and for me. I am aware of your views on this matter but I do not wish to discuss it.

well your DH dropped you right in it there without having your back so I'd send one more message to MIL (I love to have the last word) saying something like "ok" (because i love a pas-ag last word)

and then I'd let DH handle it all, after explaining in excruciating detail how much of an arse he is for saying what he said, how he said it.

And then do what you please. Maybe even 2 days a week after a while.

Just adding: neither you nor DH should talk to her about your mental health or ADHD or anything of that sort. It's none of her business, you don't need to justify yourselves to her and she might only hear confirmation that she is right and use it against you.

Just to pre-empt any blanket ageist assertions that all older women are like MIL, I was sent to a playgroup when I was 3 or 4 and my little brother was a baby. I imagine it helped preserve my mother's sanity. This was the mid 1960s, so the idea of a SAHM getting a break or a bit of outside help is hardly groundbreaking. By the time my own children were born in the early 90s it was totally unremarkable for children to go to a day nursery for childcare or to give the SAHP a break. They may not have been Ofsted registered (I think that came in a bit later) but the one we sent our son to for a couple of mornings a week was lovely - play-focused, well-staffed and equipped, and he was very happy there.

God imagine what she would say to me, my DS has been 1 day a week at nursery since 6 months old as I went back to work. He starts 2 days next week at just over 12 months.

Would it help if she came to see nursery with you? At one of the settling sessions maybe and she can see the sleep provision etc? Xx

Oh jeez I've had passive aggressive comments from my mum ever since my eldest started at nursery at 11 months old. My daughter is nearly 6 now and has thrived. My son started at 1, just after we came out of lockdown and he literally hadn't been touched by anyone other than my husband or I or our daughter in 6 months. He has also thrived. I totally agree with every family is different and therefore different set ups - stay at home, nursery, grandparents, childminder are all appropriate but I wholeheartedly disagree with you MIL that nurseries are bad or going to damage your child. Incidentally my mother in law said she had to give up work until both her children were at school and she hated it. She think nurseries are fabulous and that our kids have gained so much (and my sanity!) do you have any other examples like 'look at cousin Sally her kids have gone to nursery and just fine' to point out just how bonkers she is being. I would just keep stating we've made our decision, no more discussion and do no speaking negatively about it in front of child. Because if she starts going on and on your wee one will become worried.

Oh and it was 3 full days 8-5ish, then at 3 it was 3 full days and two half days.

Do not bring her to the nursery, that sends a message that you think it's your job to convince her.

You don't need her agreement. You're not parenting via committee. You and DH have chosen nursery, that's the end of it.

Don't tell her anything else with regards to your childcare plans, it really is none of her business
And if you do decide to share anything with her get your DH to tell her, why he's not stepped in and replied to her is puzzling.
I've had MIL issues for a very long time when it's about our DC, it's usually ' ffs she's at it again, sort it out please' and my DH does, she backs off because her Little Soldier has spoken

He replied saying he's not really had much to do with it as it was all my doing.

This stuck out to me. He's chucked you under the bus instead of saying that nursery will be a good thing.

I don’t think women of her generation always understand how incredibly isolating it can be as a sahm nowadays.

There was a lovely community of mums in my community, always a couple chatting in the front gardens keeping an eye on the dc playing on the street, nipping in and out of each other’s houses.

It’s very different now; every friend I made at baby groups went back to work so our social group (baby’s and mine) dwindled to nothing. There were no dc playing on the streets at all.

In the 70s the majority (not all) of dc started in primary with a lot of tears. Now a much higher % have been to pre school and learned to sit, listen, attend so primary school is a smoother start. Whether or not you agree with them starting so early it is a disadvantage to be the only dc in a class of 20 who has never been to pre school.

I would have loved to bring my dc up in an Alfie book but times have changed. I was very grateful for the opportunity to be a sahm to my own dc and I have some sympathy for your mil’s pov. But ime there’s a tendency to look back and only see the struggle and not notice the support that was available to them.

I can see why nursery is appealing to you but there are downsides worth considering too. You want a break, but when the little one picks up every illness going and passes them to you, it can be brutal. I know lots of working parents that used up every day of leave they had in the first year of nursery.

I’m not convinced that babies need to socialise with other babies. They benefit from interaction with dc of all ages.

There are also advantages too, that she might not have considered. Speech development often speeds up a bit, fussy eating reduces etc.

I think that your mil is making some valid points. I fully agree that she’s over stepping. She’s lacking some of your knowledge and information but she’s also coming from a position of caring about your ds. I would try to repair this breach in your relationship. Would inviting her to visit the nursery with you help?

I was at the park when mine were tiny with my friends extremely grand mother. A nursery arrived in matching hi viz. Friends mother exclaimed “ohso sad an orphanage” I explained it was the local nursery - an eye brow was raised “same difference” 😁

I think you have found her psychological achilles heel and inadvertently pushed a button.
Sounds like she had a tough time as a young mum and has probably survived that by telling herself that all the pain and difficulty was worth it cos she did it all 'right'. She was probably enjoying that her son had chosen a mother for his kids who went on to be a sahm, more confirmation that her sacrifice was worth it as her son wanted the same he'd had for his child. Etc etc then you make a change and she can't accept that this is an improvement, because that would be accepting that her way hadn't been as necessary as she needed to believe to get through raising 3 young kids with an alcoholic partner in an era where if you weren't a martyr to your motherhood you were doing it wrong.
She may be jealous that you have the option of a safety valve

I agree with this. It's hard when you haven't had emotional or practical support. But ultimately we have a choice. We can try and make others suffer the way we did, which is what my mother did and what your MiL is doing, or we can try and make our children's lives better than the one we had. Your MiL could rejoice in the fact that your husband supports you in making decisions but instead she is trying to make trouble between you.

Don't let her. Be very clear that the decision is between you and your husband. Make sure your husband is onside with this. It will be very difficult for him because emotional enmeshment is incredibly hard to overcome. It might almost feel like infidelity to him, to choose you over her, so much has he been conditioned by guilt.

Try and take the judgement of you out of it. Whatever she thinks is nothing to do with you or your choices, it's her insecurities or prejudices. It sounds like you're an excellent mother and don't let her make you doubt yourself. Just keep grey rocking and being a broken record. This is what we've decided MiL. We have to make our own choices based on what we think is best for our children. And repeat!!!

I was a SAHM in the early 90s and my oldest DC went to nursery 2 mornings a week not because I needed a break or wanted a break but because I thought it was good for her. And it was. She loved it and it made her more confident and outgoing. For the last six months before she started school we upped it to three days and slightly longer sessions.

My second DC only went from the age of 4 because she didn't seem to need it. Until the the younger got enough social integration from her sister, cousins and from playing with other children at school drop offs and pick ups.

I would definitely support your decision to send him to nursery 2 mornings a week. It will annoy your MIL but I think it will be good for him. The extra day will make it more of a routine and help him establish relationships with the other children and the staff.

I should add that I am in my sixties so older than your MIL! But if she is normally great I would cut her some slack over this. With your own MH issues you know as well as anyone that sometimes people can react irrationally to things. She clearly has problems with this for whatever reason. The important thing to remember is that they aren't your problems. Carry on being pleasant but firm about what you think is best for your child and I am sure this will blow over.

In case she is imagining something different to the reality, I’d be inclined to get DH to say you’re both really happy with the decision - mention ratio of 1:4 (if you’re in the U.K.), and send a nice pic of it. And then both of you stop replying to anything about it.

I think he wrote that he doesn't have a problem with DS going to nursery, that I had gone and visited one to check it out, then when MIL carried on he replied that he didn't know what I had said to her, he hadn't looked into it properly yet and that I normally get an idea in my head and goes off 100mph with it.
To be fair I have ADHD so thats not inaccurate but thanks for the solidarity.

That's even worse op. He's basically said 'silly adhd @TerfranosaurusVagina, doesn't know what she's doing!'