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Original poster

Boyfriend won’t spend time with my children - ‘he’s too tired’

306 replies

Lcar · 19/02/2022 19:58

I’m a mum of 4. Late teens and up.
I’ve been dating a guy I really love and who’s really good to me for 2 and a half years.
He started a new job in November, working 2 hours away. He comes home every 2 weeks, or I go to see him if he has to stay on site. It’s kind of working.
This weekend he was home for a long weekend.
Last week, my youngest was crying, she’s lonely when I’m away, and is struggling. She thinks I love my boyfriend more than her.
So I asked him to come to my place this weekend.
His work is crazy busy, site manager in charge of 30+ workers on a construction site. I get it, he’s shattered and needs quiet time when he’s home.
I suggested we took my youngest bowling.
Not stressy, just quiet time for the 3 of us together.
He said he’s too tired to come to my place.

I won’t have a chance to see him again for 2 weeks.
I said it’s not ok that he’s making me choose between him and my children.
He said ‘that’s life’.

He’s a good man who’s been through 2 shit relationships, one as the victim of violence, one with a coercive controller.

His freedom is very important to him.

I left an abusive marriage 4 years ago. I also have triggers and shit to deal with, plus 4 lovely children who are doing well. Mostly.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
colliecolliecollieoioioi · 19/02/2022 20:01

Focus on your children. It's heartbreaking your LO is in tears because you prioritise time with your boyfriend.

ANameChangeAgain · 19/02/2022 20:02

If he is saying that's life when you complain he is making you choose, then he certainly is not a good man.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 19/02/2022 20:04

Ime he isn't the man for you.
I had dc when I met dh. He wanted to forge decent relationships with my dc.. He put the work in.

Bagelsandbrie · 19/02/2022 20:04

How old is the child who is crying? When you’re not there who are they with?

I think if you still have children- even teens- who need you like this- you can’t have this kind of relationship.

Dontbeme · 19/02/2022 20:05

After two and a half years he's not that fussed about your relationship, so why invest more time and effort into a man who sees you as an option but he wants to be a priority.

Northernsoullover · 19/02/2022 20:06

@colliecolliecollieoioioi

Focus on your children. It's heartbreaking your LO is in tears because you prioritise time with your boyfriend.
Where does she say she prioritises him? Some children hate their parents dating full stop and will act up because they have been used to all the attention all the time. Lone parents are entitled to relationships FGS. That said, I don't think this is the happy ever after you might hope for OP if he's not willing to spend a little bit of time with your children. I dated a man who didn't want to be involved with my children and that's absolutely fine. It ran its course because neither of us saw how it could go further. It was a nice relationship but not a forever one sadly. We are still friendly if we bump into one another.
Marchmount · 19/02/2022 20:06

Why is your daughter in her late teens crying and making a fuss when you see your partner one day a fortnight? Is she normally that needy? I could understand if you had moved him in but her behaviour sounds very controlling. If your partner is working flat out then I suspect that the idea of going bowling with a teenager who doesn’t like him is hardly appealing.

Booboobadoo · 19/02/2022 20:07

His two exes were awful so he needs his freedom - oh really. And it sounds like he's only really good to you if you demand nothing of him

Smartiepants79 · 19/02/2022 20:10

So your youngest is how old?? You say late teens, so 16,17?? Is she actually in the house alone when you go and stay with him??
Is there a reason she can’t spend time with friends and siblings while you’re out?
I can’t say is particularly want to spend my hard earned weekend off entertaining someone else’s teenager. Especially if I’m not particularly integrated into the family. He also appears to have very valid reasons for prioritising his own space. I wouldn’t say he’s asking you to choose, presumably he’s not said ‘come and visit me this weekend or its over’??
This feels like a bit of a drama out of nothing unless it’s happening every weekend and you NEVER see him.

Namechangeforthis88 · 19/02/2022 20:10

@colliecolliecollieoioioi LO? Heartbreaking? Op said late teens and up, so "LO" must be at least 17.

N4ish · 19/02/2022 20:12

Not really sure why he should be expected to spend his weekend cheering your almost adult daughter up? Would be a different situation if the children were much younger.

colliecolliecollieoioioi · 19/02/2022 20:13

I missed the age of the child.

If she's home alone, I can see how it might be unnerving for her even if she is 17 tbh.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 19/02/2022 20:13

It sounds like your teenager is being a little manipulative. You see him once a fortnight and she's crying as you love him more than her? Right.

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 19/02/2022 20:14

My ex was a site manager in his 40s/50s and still came home to young children.

Your children always come first. He's basically told you he doesn't care about your children and you just need to deal with it. I'm sorry, as nice as he might be to you he doesn't seem interested in being part of your family.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 19/02/2022 20:16

Right now you’re not compatible. Who knows in the future but right now it’s not going to work so end it before it gets unpleasant

Lady0racle · 19/02/2022 20:20

TBH, taking an older teenager bowling doesn’t sound like my idea of fun either. I can see why he wouldn’t want to do that in his leisure time if he’s been working all hours.

Why does your DD object so strongly to you spending one day every two weeks with your BF. Is there something else going on?

Smartiepants79 · 19/02/2022 20:21

@ThistlesAndUnicorns

My ex was a site manager in his 40s/50s and still came home to young children.

Your children always come first. He's basically told you he doesn't care about your children and you just need to deal with it. I'm sorry, as nice as he might be to you he doesn't seem interested in being part of your family.

But they’re not young children, they’re nearly adults. And they’re not his children. Or his responsibility. And it’s fine for her children to come first to her but they don’t need to be his priority. With her kids at the ages they are I’d say it’s actually alright for her to sometimes put herself and her relationship with her partner first.
TuscanApothecary · 19/02/2022 20:25

He's not your forever man.

You will always feel torn between them. He should have enthusiastically agreed to go bowling and taken you both out for food or gotten a takeaway after IMO.

StormTreader · 19/02/2022 20:25

"Late teens" does sound like rather an overreaction for them to be in tears just because you're away for a day.

MadMadMadamMim · 19/02/2022 20:26

@Marchmount

Why is your daughter in her late teens crying and making a fuss when you see your partner one day a fortnight? Is she normally that needy? I could understand if you had moved him in but her behaviour sounds very controlling. If your partner is working flat out then I suspect that the idea of going bowling with a teenager who doesn’t like him is hardly appealing.
This!

Whether she likes him or not, he's shattered. And he's right - that's life.

If you want to spend this weekend with your DD then he's happy for you to do so. Stop being so bloody dramatic! He's not 'forcing you to choose' between him and your children. He's said he's too tired to come home this weekend and go bowling with you.

Nothing about making you 'choose' between seeing him or your children at all.

RedWingBoots · 19/02/2022 20:29

If your daughter is 17 and doesn't want you dating or in an adult relationship, you have bigger problems than just your boyfriend.

In a year or so time she will be making her own way in the world so you need to encourage her to be a lot more independent.

CandyLeBonBon · 19/02/2022 20:34

Lmao at the use of 'LO' to describe a 17/18 year old!

Op, you can't force someone to like your kids. It's a bit shit but that's how it is. Your teen crying is another matter and you probably need to work out what's going on there separately tbh - but regards your DP, it doesn't sound like it's workable.

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 19/02/2022 20:37

@Smartiepants79 I agree, she is entitled to have a separate life but normally people would like all their loved ones to be in some sort of relationship.

I may have read it wrong, but, I know myself I would not be interested in someone who didn't care about my children. Whether they are 4 or 44.

The point I was making about my ex was I don't believe he is THAT tired for bowling therefore it looks like he doesn't care. The OP apparently does so why tell her 'that's life'. It's not taking on board her feelings. It should be far easier with teens than the scenario I posted.

Kite22 · 19/02/2022 20:38

@Marchmount

Why is your daughter in her late teens crying and making a fuss when you see your partner one day a fortnight? Is she normally that needy? I could understand if you had moved him in but her behaviour sounds very controlling. If your partner is working flat out then I suspect that the idea of going bowling with a teenager who doesn’t like him is hardly appealing.
This ^

Like others, I wouldn't particularly want to go bowling, and I wouldn't want to go out with a 16 ? 17 ? yr old that I don't have any particular relationship tagging along either.
He doesn't want to play families with your dc. It isn't like you have 6 yr olds. He is happy to have the relationship with you, when you are both available. It is usual for a relationship to be more difficult when you are long distance. It works for some people but not for others. You need to decide if you want what he has to offer or if you are looking for a different relationship that he doesn't want.

me4real · 19/02/2022 20:39

He’s a good man who’s been through 2 shit relationships, one as the victim of violence, one with a coercive controller.

'crazy ex girlfriends' eh? You'll be one of those he claims that about to his next girlfriend. It's a red flag.

I can understand how he feels about bowling with random teenagers in his brief time off though. What's in it for him? Bowling's lame enough with people who's company you enjoy.