Boyfriend won’t spend time with my children - ‘he’s too tired’

[Lcar]

I’m a mum of 4. Late teens and up.
I’ve been dating a guy I really love and who’s really good to me for 2 and a half years.
He started a new job in November, working 2 hours away. He comes home every 2 weeks, or I go to see him if he has to stay on site. It’s kind of working.
This weekend he was home for a long weekend.
Last week, my youngest was crying, she’s lonely when I’m away, and is struggling. She thinks I love my boyfriend more than her.
So I asked him to come to my place this weekend.
His work is crazy busy, site manager in charge of 30+ workers on a construction site. I get it, he’s shattered and needs quiet time when he’s home.
I suggested we took my youngest bowling.
Not stressy, just quiet time for the 3 of us together.
He said he’s too tired to come to my place.

I won’t have a chance to see him again for 2 weeks.
I said it’s not ok that he’s making me choose between him and my children.
He said ‘that’s life’.

He’s a good man who’s been through 2 shit relationships, one as the victim of violence, one with a coercive controller.

His freedom is very important to him.

I left an abusive marriage 4 years ago. I also have triggers and shit to deal with, plus 4 lovely children who are doing well. Mostly.

Thoughts?

Hope you're OK, OP. It does sound like you want different things. And that's really hard when you love someone.

You are absolutely allowed to want to keep your dd close right now (I think I would too) and he's allowed to not want to be part of that.

If it was the other way around you were working long hours and your DP wanted you to be spending your precious free time with his dd, you'd be getting a different response! "He needs to parent his own children" type chorus.

Hope it's amicable for you. Hope your DD gains her strength again.

Thursday to Sunday is not the weekend - it’s more than half the week and if you are working and your daughter is at college Mon-Wed it doesn’t IMHO leave enough time to support your child at a stressful time in any young persons life - let alone somebody like your daughter who is vulnerable due to her dysfunctional childhood.

She has told you what she needs. It’s a short term emotional investment right now to get her through a very difficult phase.

Were you also planning a holiday with your partner next month without your daughter?

It feels a bit like, in the year we’ve arranged to step things up and move in together, he changes the rules totally.

Does happen OP. Once someone is asked for more commitment they back out. I mean you can be committed without living together, my DP and I have chosen not to. But it is a big next step and he may just not want to take it with you. Or he might be a manipulative arsehole ramping up the pressure. He certainly seems quite unpleasant to me.

Thank you @Phormiumjester @MaudieandMe

No, I’m not really ok, but that’s my issue to fix.
And taking care of my daughter is also my issue to take care of.

We’ve come a long way and we’re doing pretty well, but I think I’ve taken a few steps backwards.

I know posting in a public forum means putting myself in the firing line, and I do appreciate all viewpoints as it helps me take a balanced view. And I asked for thoughts.

But yikes, I feel like a worse person than ever now.

Think I’ll duck out of this chat now, need to sort my head out.

Thanks all.

You're just a human being, Lcar, and life is an endless learning curve.

Take care of yourself.

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Ime he isn't the man for you. I had dc when I met dh. He wanted to forge decent relationships with my dc.. He put the work in.

This ^^