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Original poster

Boyfriend won’t spend time with my children - ‘he’s too tired’

306 replies

Lcar · 19/02/2022 19:58

I’m a mum of 4. Late teens and up.
I’ve been dating a guy I really love and who’s really good to me for 2 and a half years.
He started a new job in November, working 2 hours away. He comes home every 2 weeks, or I go to see him if he has to stay on site. It’s kind of working.
This weekend he was home for a long weekend.
Last week, my youngest was crying, she’s lonely when I’m away, and is struggling. She thinks I love my boyfriend more than her.
So I asked him to come to my place this weekend.
His work is crazy busy, site manager in charge of 30+ workers on a construction site. I get it, he’s shattered and needs quiet time when he’s home.
I suggested we took my youngest bowling.
Not stressy, just quiet time for the 3 of us together.
He said he’s too tired to come to my place.

I won’t have a chance to see him again for 2 weeks.
I said it’s not ok that he’s making me choose between him and my children.
He said ‘that’s life’.

He’s a good man who’s been through 2 shit relationships, one as the victim of violence, one with a coercive controller.

His freedom is very important to him.

I left an abusive marriage 4 years ago. I also have triggers and shit to deal with, plus 4 lovely children who are doing well. Mostly.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Imdonna · 20/02/2022 18:59

@me4real

Being a 17 year old who has left home, isn't a brag in recent time.

@Imdonna I think independence is something to be proud of. I would never have relied emotionally on Mummy after about age 7, I would've seen it as weak. But everyone's different I guess.

Again that's not a brag and not what most people want for their children or as children. That suggests a very unhappy child.

Independent is great. But very few people are truly, emotionally independent. Very few people don't vent or off load or have someone in their life they turn to when things get hard.

Independence in the extreme, can actually be very harmful for your mental health.

Zonder · 20/02/2022 19:03

@KeepingAnOpenMind

Blimey when I was 17 I’d already left home.
Thankfully most 17 year olds don't find themselves in that position.
Nanny0gg · 20/02/2022 19:04

When I was 17 I was working and if my parents went away a friend stayed with me.

I don't think it's unreasonable for the OP to leave her DD with the older siblings

Imdonna · 20/02/2022 19:05

@Nanny0gg

When I was 17 I was working and if my parents went away a friend stayed with me.

I don't think it's unreasonable for the OP to leave her DD with the older siblings

I don't either.

I also dont think it's awful of the dd (especially given the history) to feel, sometimes that she needs her mum.

sweetbellyhigh · 20/02/2022 19:11

@Nanny0gg

When I was 17 I was working and if my parents went away a friend stayed with me.

I don't think it's unreasonable for the OP to leave her DD with the older siblings

Christ have you read the thread? Because it doesn't sound like it.

It is nothing to do with being "right" or "wrong" about leaving a teen, and everything about the OP trying to find a compromise for everyone and to feel happy about it.

owlinnahat · 20/02/2022 19:21

Thankfully most 17 year olds don't find themselves in that position.

It's the age kids go to university in Scotland. It's not abnormal at all to be living away from home then.

Imdonna · 20/02/2022 19:48

@owlinnahat

Thankfully most 17 year olds don't find themselves in that position.

It's the age kids go to university in Scotland. It's not abnormal at all to be living away from home then.

Going to uni is very different to living alone, permanently.

When you move out of home there isn't hundreds of other people around you that are going through the same thing. There's no clubs or orientation or social events or the equivalent of student Union.

Zonder · 20/02/2022 20:05

Going to uni is very different to living alone, permanently.
This.

MiddleParking · 20/02/2022 20:47

@me4real

Being a 17 year old who has left home, isn't a brag in recent time.

@Imdonna I think independence is something to be proud of. I would never have relied emotionally on Mummy after about age 7, I would've seen it as weak. But everyone's different I guess.

After all, nothing says emotional resilience like making snide comments about children on the internet.
bexxboo · 20/02/2022 20:51

Why are making up so many excuses for this prick?

'He's been in two shit relationships one violent and one coercive control'

Are you sure about that??

me4real · 21/02/2022 01:45

@MiddleParking I haven't made any snide comments about the 17-year-old woman. Just saying that I personally would not have been like that.

@IamDonna- I confide in people I just don't go runnning to my parents.

But all this is hypothetical, the girl clearly has issues at the moment I guess. OP mightn't actually be the best person to address them.

Going to uni is very different to living alone, permanently.

A 17-year-old would tend to be in a room in a shared house, whether at uni or not. So they would have others around them to chat to, go out on the piss with etc.

Imdonna · 21/02/2022 05:01

I confide in people I just don't go runnning to my parents

So not entirely independent, then. Which isn't a bad thing. At 7 anyone you confided in would have been acting as a parental figure.

What's the difference between you confiding in friend or spouse and someone doing the same with their parents. Why is it confiding when its someone you choose to confide in, but its 'running to parents'?

and I presume you aren't 17. Her mother is likey the safest person for her to go to. Or at least at 17, she should feel that way.

17 year olds may live in a shared house. But Uni has the safety net of support. Not just some strangers, probably of similar ages with little to no outside support.

Most Universities have some sort of halls or organised accommodation, at least for the first the year. And Universities also have lots of structured support in place. Its really not the same.

Toanewstart23 · 21/02/2022 06:11

@me4real

I am surprised at your stance
I have read your history
You are NC with your father
You had a difficult childhood
And all the threads you have started have one common theme - unhappiness of some kind

Zonder · 21/02/2022 06:16

[quote Toanewstart23]@me4real

I am surprised at your stance
I have read your history
You are NC with your father
You had a difficult childhood
And all the threads you have started have one common theme - unhappiness of some kind[/quote]
Almost as if it's actually a good thing if people do have a good relationship with their parents!

Toanewstart23 · 21/02/2022 06:20

It makes so sense to be pushing the view re how your unusually “independent” (i can think of many less positive words) childhood was positive when you seem so deeply unhappy and alone as an adult, NC with your father and very little mention of your mother when starting threads that are… deeply unhappy ones

Of course the two aren’t definitively linked but safe bet to presume….. heavily linked

Mollymalone123 · 21/02/2022 06:30

As a wife of DH who is in same business and did the staying away a lot- you need to be cut out for this sort of relationship. The is a reason why there’s a lot of divorces in construction especially site manager and above as either working away or normal working hours are 50+ a week.That being said my DH did make an effort to see me with my v young children when we first were together and they were small.It’s part and parcel of life

Original poster
Lcar · 21/02/2022 08:22

@Mollymalone123

As a wife of DH who is in same business and did the staying away a lot- you need to be cut out for this sort of relationship. The is a reason why there’s a lot of divorces in construction especially site manager and above as either working away or normal working hours are 50+ a week.That being said my DH did make an effort to see me with my v young children when we first were together and they were small.It’s part and parcel of life
Thanks @Mollymalone123 - that’s probably it in a nutshell.

Normal working hours at the moment are 77/wk. Of course ‘tired’ makes sense.

I just didn’t sign up for this. It was never on the cards, we never discussed it.

It feels a bit like, in the year we’ve arranged to step things up and move in together, he changes the rules totally.

I’ve thought a lot about it overnight.
I’m pretty sure I will end the relationship, hopefully amicably.

‘That’s life’ bothered me massively. My rules, I call the shots, like it or lump it, is what it meant.

This is our 3rd year together - the relationship is still quite new, quite fresh.
Apart from the fact that we’ll both be getting on in a few years, what else will change?

OP posts:
Toanewstart23 · 21/02/2022 08:26

This isn’t a “normal” 17 year old

She’s had a traumatic childhood, very tumultuous and the OP started a thread about her ptsd last year.

BigFatLiar · 21/02/2022 08:43

‘That’s life’ bothered me massively. My rules, I call the shots, like it or lump it, is what it meant.

With both of you having had bad relationships in he past is sounds like both of you have the same attitude. I suspect your talking about it with him really meant talk him around to doing what you wanted.

Find yourself someone who wants you and will do as you want.

haikyew · 21/02/2022 08:50

Why bring your boyfriend?
Daughter wanted time with mum
Prioritise her

MaudieandMe · 21/02/2022 08:52

I think this relationship isn’t the one for you. Your boyfriend isn’t good on apologising or compromising for a start, always a red flag in my book!

I know you’re thinking about when the kids move away but you’ll always be their mum. What about when grandchildren come along and he doesn’t want to know?

I’ve read a few threads on Gransnet where the grandma is stuck because she wants to offer to childmind her grandchild one day a week but her partner is having none of it.

ESGdance · 21/02/2022 08:56

We talked about it yesterday, but there was no compromise from him.
I was upset and went for a walk.
@@@When i got back he was angry, told me to never try that emotional bullshit on him again. @@@@
At no point did I hear a ‘sorry’ or ‘let’s work this out’ from him.
It looks like I have to bend and shape myself, again, or move on.

He’s not nice.

ESGdance · 21/02/2022 09:10

Seems that you ALL have been through hell with your ex … you have done really well to move your DCs out and to build a new life. It seems that they are all making good enough progress to live independent and successful lives.

Your youngest needs a bit more of you right now. She is nearly through her A levels and investing right now in her mental health is critical.

It doesn’t look like he is invested in your family or that your future is compatible.

He flaked out of a holiday you arranged for him and your kids which caused you great upset.

He is keen for you to move into his home (35 miles away) rather than where your DC are / were at school and you all have long term friends and networks.

At the same time he takes contracts living away and working 7 days a week (did he just want you to be )a janitor for his existing home).

It’s all one sided you travel from Thursday to Sunday every other week to “see” him whilst he works (IMHO that’s unfair on your struggling, traumatised youngest in the middle of A levels)

He comes home this weekend - to his house but won’t come to yours.

You are unable to have a constructive conversation without him accusing you of emotional blackmail.

He wants to silence you and he calls the shots.

Was he really in 2 physically and emotionally abusive relationships before - how unlucky that according to him he seems to now be in a third.

Looks like he is future faking you.

Have you had any therapy for yourself to resolve the damage from your own childhood and abusive marriage? It seems that you are struggling to know yourself and where you stand with your daughter and partner. Invest in your own MH if you can - spend the time and money chasing after him on a therapist for yourself.

Zonder · 21/02/2022 09:28

It feels a bit like, in the year we’ve arranged to step things up and move in together, he changes the rules totally.

Backtracking.

OnaBegonia · 21/02/2022 09:46

I thought your youngest was going to be 5/6 not 17!
Whether he's the right man or not, I think you need to encourage some independence in your DD, does she 'need'you other days or just when you go to his at weekend?
You talk about her as if she's a very young child, she's a young woman.

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