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Original poster

Boyfriend won’t spend time with my children - ‘he’s too tired’

306 replies

Lcar · 19/02/2022 19:58

I’m a mum of 4. Late teens and up.
I’ve been dating a guy I really love and who’s really good to me for 2 and a half years.
He started a new job in November, working 2 hours away. He comes home every 2 weeks, or I go to see him if he has to stay on site. It’s kind of working.
This weekend he was home for a long weekend.
Last week, my youngest was crying, she’s lonely when I’m away, and is struggling. She thinks I love my boyfriend more than her.
So I asked him to come to my place this weekend.
His work is crazy busy, site manager in charge of 30+ workers on a construction site. I get it, he’s shattered and needs quiet time when he’s home.
I suggested we took my youngest bowling.
Not stressy, just quiet time for the 3 of us together.
He said he’s too tired to come to my place.

I won’t have a chance to see him again for 2 weeks.
I said it’s not ok that he’s making me choose between him and my children.
He said ‘that’s life’.

He’s a good man who’s been through 2 shit relationships, one as the victim of violence, one with a coercive controller.

His freedom is very important to him.

I left an abusive marriage 4 years ago. I also have triggers and shit to deal with, plus 4 lovely children who are doing well. Mostly.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 19/02/2022 21:23

I can't see anything wrong with your bf wanting to spend the time with you without a teen coming too. Perfectly understandable if he works away.

Grida · 19/02/2022 21:23

What do you want to do? Do that. They will both survive whatever decision you make.

Loopytiles · 19/02/2022 21:24

Confused about how often you see him (you mention every 2 weeks but then you visiting him in addition - does that mean you spend every weekend with him?)

If you spend every weekend with him then it does seem like he’s your priority over your 17 year old.

Also confused about whether him ‘coming home’ means visiting your place, or that you lived together before he moved away. If the latter, it seems a big step back in the relationship - at best - for him to have moved away.

Nadjahomesoil · 19/02/2022 21:25

If she's late teens I'd guess 17-19?

Why is she crying about you seeing your boyfriend 1 day in 2 weeks?

Is there more to this?

wingscrow · 19/02/2022 21:27

Doesn't seem much of a relationship: you don't see each other regularly, he doesn't fit in with your kids and doesn't really want to do things as a family.

It looks like your lifestyles are just not compatible.

Also, always be careful when men have several 'crazy exes'...more often than not, they were the ones whose poor behaviour resulted in making their partner 'crazy'...

If you already left a difficult relationship, you really need to be with someone who comes with less angst, makes your feel secure and settled and who can blend in with your family. That guy isn't it.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/02/2022 21:30

I think the age of your children is very relevant here.

They're at the age where they don't need you. Fine they like to spend time with you but they don't need you to be there at the weekend normally.

If I'd had a crazy week, would I want to go and spend time with the adult children of a partner? Probably not unless it was a special occasion or they were going through a hard time etc

If he was trying to stop you spending time with them, that would be different

jimmyjammy001 · 19/02/2022 21:34

Unfortunately sounds like your both at different stages in life, you have 4 children that need alot of your time, he hasn't got any by sounds of it, I don't blame him for not wanting to spend his day off bowling with young children.
"His freedom is very important to him" which basically means he doesn't want to be getting tied down with someone else's children and all the restrictions of what you can do and when you can do things they all impose on a relationship, I think it's only worked out til now because it is long distance and he doesn't have to deal with that on a weekly basis.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 19/02/2022 21:39

I remember saying some awful nonsense to my mum at 17 about how she prioritised other things over me.

I was being a drama queen and luckily she didn't indulge my nonsense Grin

Your DD is nearly an adult and more than capable of coping without you occasionally while you see your partner. If he's two hours away you don't even need to stay overnight really - just meet up somewhere in the middle and have a day out.

TuscanApothecary · 19/02/2022 21:49

17 yr olds living at home are not the same as adult dc.

OP post comes across like she wants a partner who wants to be part of her family. That's a completely valid emotional need.

It's also completely valid for her P to not want the above. But if neither of them are communicating what they really want OP is going to keep feeling like this.

I have a 16yr and a 14yr old. If I start dating again by the time I'd find someone who I liked and got to a place where that man would be around me more I'd want to make sure he liked my dc and wanted to be part of us. I'd want him to take an interest in them and get to know them. I'd like to go out for meals, have Sunday lunches with them all around me ect. I wouldn't expect him to look after them or act like a dad, but he'd need to put in some effort and get to know them.

Now I've been a step mum and realise it's not always easy. If OPS dd is a person who P doesn't like being around then that's a different question. But on the face of it it seems OP wants something different than her P.

Steelesauce · 19/02/2022 21:50

Is he younger then you? Does he have children of his own?

I don't think he's made you choose really, thats how you have interpreted it.

NowEvenBetter · 19/02/2022 22:05

OP said she was in an abusive relationship before, so unless the kids were kept entirely separate to that, then yeah, they will have suffered trauma. HTH

Stressedout1009 · 19/02/2022 22:08

@Viviennemary

I can't see anything wrong with your bf wanting to spend the time with you without a teen coming too. Perfectly understandable if he works away.
I also can't see anything wrong. Tbh after a long and stressful week I would not want to willingly choose spending a weekend with an upset teen that's not my own.
Northernsoullover · 19/02/2022 22:16

Oh bloody hell I missed that she was 17 Confused

FarFarFarAndAway · 19/02/2022 22:23

We don't know what 'late teens' is really, anything from 16-19?

Late teens can sometimes have unavoidable wobbles, and need a bit of time and input from their mums, but in this instance it does sound like your daughter sees it as a competition.

I'm not clear how often and for how long you are away. I wouldn't leave my 17 year old for a whole weekend every two weeks. That's some of the only quality time we get together at the moment.

If he's 'home' and presumably quite close, could you not have split your time to both see him and spend some time with her.

Ultimately he didn't do anything wrong, or try to blackmail you into coming to his, he just didn't come to yours. I guess it is sad he doesn't want to put more into the family situation, but some men don't, I'd prefer someone who was prepared to step that up a little bit at least for the odd couple of hours, I wouldn't want to have to keep everyone absolutely separate at all times, but that's what's on offer.

I don't think, like everyone else, either of you are unreasonable. I think talking with your youngest about why she feels you prefer him, what the issues are with her, what support she needs and how you also need your own time/relationship is the way forward. It may be possible to meet everyone's needs here.

WonderfulYou · 19/02/2022 22:24

It sounds like he doesn’t want to be a step dad - which is completely fair enough but then he needs to understand these kids will be in your life forever and he needs to be either involved or find someone else.

What happens at Xmas?
Do you spend it with him?

I’m concerned why your daughter is crying. Maybe she sees something in him that you don’t.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/02/2022 22:27

Get a babysitter !
And don’t expect him to parent kids

But also maybe a relationship with someone who doesn’t have kids is hard ? He won’t get it
Other single parents might better

LittleWins · 19/02/2022 22:31

All a bit dramatic. Firstly, he’s not making you choose. He’s tired. Your kids are not his so fair enough he doesn’t fancy a 4 hour round trip for a grumpy teenager.

But… two crazy ex girlfriends. Nope. Don’t buy it. Get out the big red flag.

TracyMosby · 19/02/2022 22:40

I said it’s not ok that he’s making me choose between him and my children.
He said ‘that’s life’. He’s a good man…
Read those sentences again. Then ask yourself if the first two agree with the third.

who’s been through 2 shit relationships, one as the victim of violence, one with a coercive controller
The odds of this Confused. How do you know that one was violent towards him and one was controlling?

owlinnahat · 19/02/2022 22:42

Oh dear gods. Are people on this thread actually saying this man is abusive because he doesn't want to go bowling?

Twilight7777 · 19/02/2022 22:42

Your ‘older teens’ are the ones being unreasonable, I don’t blame him for not wanting to go bowling when he’s had a busy week at work, going at the weekend would hardly be relaxing. Plus your teenager sounds very manipulative that she doesn’t want you going to his house once every 2 weeks

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/02/2022 22:43

who’s been through 2 shit relationships, one as the victim of violence, one with a coercive controller

Tbf it's very common for people to have more than one abusive relationship as the first one skews your expectations and sets the bar low especially if the first is violent so you think "well they aren't as bad, it's not as serious" and explain controlling behaviour away. I've been there in the past.

Of course he may be bullshitting but just wanted to explain that it's actually very common.

Shmithecat2 · 19/02/2022 22:46

@owlinnahat

Oh dear gods. Are people on this thread actually saying this man is abusive because he doesn't want to go bowling?
Yep. Bonkers 😂😂😂.
ChiefWiggumsBoy · 19/02/2022 22:48

I think on balance that your youngest child is probably 16+ and you've been together a fairly long time, it's upsetting sure that he doesn't want to come to yours but if he's tired and really can't muster the energy then he can't. It's not unreasonable for him to say no to bowling with a teenager.

But I do get why you're upset, I would be too.

Phormiumjester · 19/02/2022 22:51

I don't know many 17 year old who want to go bowling with mum and her P on a weekend, tbh! It's just not a cool idea for any of you.
If your daughter IS struggling, you probably ought to prioritise her regardless of her age really. I don't think that's making you choose. I think that's just being a parent.
If she's being manipulative , I'm sure you'd know that already.

Hard situation I think.

Alexandra83190 · 19/02/2022 22:57

You said you're "dating" him - no more of a planned commitment than that.

You have 4 grown children to someone else who are really nothing to do with him at all. He isn't interested and why should he be, really? If you need him to take an interest in these 4 young adults just because you birthed them, he's the wrong man for you. If you split up, at least they won't be hurt because they have become attached to him! Maybe that's his thinking - he wants to be separate in your life and keep things the way they are.