Boyfriend won’t spend time with my children - ‘he’s too tired’

[Lcar]

I’m a mum of 4. Late teens and up.
I’ve been dating a guy I really love and who’s really good to me for 2 and a half years.
He started a new job in November, working 2 hours away. He comes home every 2 weeks, or I go to see him if he has to stay on site. It’s kind of working.
This weekend he was home for a long weekend.
Last week, my youngest was crying, she’s lonely when I’m away, and is struggling. She thinks I love my boyfriend more than her.
So I asked him to come to my place this weekend.
His work is crazy busy, site manager in charge of 30+ workers on a construction site. I get it, he’s shattered and needs quiet time when he’s home.
I suggested we took my youngest bowling.
Not stressy, just quiet time for the 3 of us together.
He said he’s too tired to come to my place.

I won’t have a chance to see him again for 2 weeks.
I said it’s not ok that he’s making me choose between him and my children.
He said ‘that’s life’.

He’s a good man who’s been through 2 shit relationships, one as the victim of violence, one with a coercive controller.

His freedom is very important to him.

I left an abusive marriage 4 years ago. I also have triggers and shit to deal with, plus 4 lovely children who are doing well. Mostly.

Thoughts?

Always always put your children first. Sorry but that’s just the way it is and any decent relationship would survive that.

Seems that you are 4 years out of an abusive relationship and 2.5 years into this one.

This means that your child has likely lived in a toxic dysfunctional family, experienced her family breakdown and then after 18 months her mother involved in a new relationship.

Seems like she has suffered emotionally along the way and is in need of some TCL.

Prioritise her needs right now at this vulnerable time - seems like she is acting out. Give her what she needs to get her emotionally resilient - might not take too much.

You said your children are late teens and up. I am confused about who is crying and why any late teen would be bothered

Your priorities are different.

Move on.

You spend the time with your child and see him in 2 weeks?

Anyone who made me choose between my struggling daughter and him would be put in the bin.

^’Last week, my youngest was crying, she’s lonely when I’m away, and is struggling. She thinks I love my boyfriend more than her.
So I asked him to come to my place this weekend.’^
What the actual fuck?!
Prioritise your traumatised kids. I’m speechless.

Your late teen daughter tells you that you love your boyfriend more than her, you tell your boyfriend he shouldn’t be making you choose between him and your children (which he categorically hasn’t). The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, you both like to use the emotional blackmail don’t you?!

I don’t really blame your boyfriend for not wanting to go bowling with you, however I think he probably should admit to himself that dating somebody with four children is not for him, he can’t realistically expect to have nothing to do with them ever. This just isn’t going to work out.

^Last week, my youngest was crying, she’s lonely when I’m away, and is struggling. She thinks I love my boyfriend more than her.
So I asked him to come to my place this weekend^
(What I meant to quote)

Your child is late teens - 17+? And crying because once a month (if you take it in turns to go up to see him / he comes back to you every two weeks) you go to see your partner?

I suggested we took my youngest bowling. Not stressy, just quiet time for the 3 of us together

Bowling isn't quiet time on a weekend are you nuts 😂 after a tiring stressful week at work I wouldn't want to go bowling either!

I said it’s not ok that he’s making me choose between him and my children. He said ‘that’s life’

It is life - he's not asking you to decide between them surely, he's too tired to come down, you're not going up because of your child, that is just life. If he said "come down this weekend and leave your child or I'm dumping you" etc then yes that would be different!

Why is your late teenage child calling the shots? It seems a bit manipulative.

Anyone who made me choose between my struggling daughter and him would be put in the bin.

This.

‘Traumatised kids’. Dear God. I think that’s a stretch. The OP hasn’t returned to answer questions so I guess it’s possible her ‘late teen’ is traumatised in some way. Alternatively, she could just be throwing a hissy fit because teens can be dicks sometimes. Who knows?

I think that this matters a lot and, if I were in this situation I would be wary.

However, I am aware that I say this because of my own situation: my mother met her now husband when I was 17, and, at that time was experiencing significant mental ill health. He was her priority and was disinterested in me and my siblings. My mother moved for his job, 500 miles away with her husband when I was 19 and my sister 18. We were both in grotty house shares. She rarely visited and it was expensive to travel.

FF 30 years and he is as remote as ever, and not interested in our children. My mother refers to him as Granpa but he insists he is his first name. He doesn’t speak to them and rarely us. This has impacted on family relationships and we see them once a year if that.

Just think about the family life you want going forward.

Don't leave that youngest teen again. She is clearly really struggling. Unless you believe her to be manipulative, which tbh, you would clearly know by now.

She may be frightened, lonely, who knows. Ask her exactly what's going on. But don't just leave her.

Reading about a sobbing 17yo makes it quite clear why he is swerving your dc tbh...

You’re very close to having all your DC leave home, then, presumably, you’ll have your house free to spend time with your boyfriend.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with keeping things separate and not actively introducing a new man into their lives. The 17 year old does seem a bit needy but maybe she’d had a tricky week.

He’s telling you that in his down time he doesn’t want to spend it entertaining teens that aren’t his, after working so intensely I would be the same.

If you love him and it otherwise works ok then prioritising your daughter for this last year of her childhood isn’t unreasonable. Thereafter she’ll be leaving home, presumably

@SantaHat

Anyone who made me choose between my struggling daughter and him would be put in the bin.

This.

He didn't make her choose anything. He just declined to go bowling with them

I'm pretty sure none of mine, when in their "late teens" would want to be going bowling with their mother on a weekend night, regardless of whether mother's boyfriend was coming or not.

She’s manipulating you. Hasn’t she got any friends?

You are allowing your late teen daughter to manipulate you

You see your partner once a fortnight at most the rest of the time she has you there

How’s she going to manage when she leaves home? Or does she intend to live with you forever?

She is well old enough to be left for periods of time, she is not seven, when she gets a boyfriend she wont give you a second thought

colliecolliecollieoioii dont think her child is a little one. In her 1st line of OP it says her kids are late teens and up so 17 maybe?

To me, it sounds like both partner and late teenager are vying for OP affections.

Seems like this teenager is jealous of mums relationship and is using the tears to manipulate mum into not going away and enjoying herself with boyfriend.

I've understood it that OP is away one weekend a fortnight so why a late teen is crying Iver that is beyond me.
Maybe the boyfriend isn't really too tired to go to hers but has cottoned onto the manipulation of OPs daughter, having by OPs own admission been in 2 controlling relationships, so he probably knows the signs.

Ultimately OP you need to try and get to the bottom of what the tears are all about, and understand that in the not too distant future your teenager will be off living their own life and won't worry that you are left alone if you rush to ending a relationship you are otherwise happy in.

He’s not making you choose. He’s been busy, he’s tired, he doesn’t want to go bloody bowling with an emotional teen. Fair enough.

It is quite possible for the OP partner to avoid her DC. If he doesn't want to engage with them. It depends on whether she goes along with it and for how long.

My mother's husband has had little to do with me and DB for 50 years. Probably not having had more than a handful of conversations with us... Spoke to us maybe half a dozen times during our childhood, he refused to come in or speak to us. Picking DM up outside the house 3 times a week. Married when we were late teens and only spoken when unavoidable since. I'm 55.