Boyfriend won’t spend time with my children - ‘he’s too tired’

[Lcar]

I’m a mum of 4. Late teens and up.
I’ve been dating a guy I really love and who’s really good to me for 2 and a half years.
He started a new job in November, working 2 hours away. He comes home every 2 weeks, or I go to see him if he has to stay on site. It’s kind of working.
This weekend he was home for a long weekend.
Last week, my youngest was crying, she’s lonely when I’m away, and is struggling. She thinks I love my boyfriend more than her.
So I asked him to come to my place this weekend.
His work is crazy busy, site manager in charge of 30+ workers on a construction site. I get it, he’s shattered and needs quiet time when he’s home.
I suggested we took my youngest bowling.
Not stressy, just quiet time for the 3 of us together.
He said he’s too tired to come to my place.

I won’t have a chance to see him again for 2 weeks.
I said it’s not ok that he’s making me choose between him and my children.
He said ‘that’s life’.

He’s a good man who’s been through 2 shit relationships, one as the victim of violence, one with a coercive controller.

His freedom is very important to him.

I left an abusive marriage 4 years ago. I also have triggers and shit to deal with, plus 4 lovely children who are doing well. Mostly.

Thoughts?

Are you for real?!

So your youngest is 17 and in year 13 and was physically abused by her father. She has suffered trauma and possibly does not feel safe when you are not home.

DDs problem, whatever it may be, isn’t your BF.

If DD tears are a one off, calm down - but if she’s lonely cos you go out, she needs a life.

Giving her yours ain’t the answer.

As for the BF, Tbh my heart would sink if my only relief after a shitty fortnight a work was taking someone else’s hysterical teenager bowling. I’d need time to rest and recharge my batteries.

OP, a bit of sensitivity is in order.

Hi doesn't sound like a good man who's prioritising you or cares about your feelings. I'd also be very dubious about his need for space after 2 abusive relationships 🙄🙄🙄 yeah right. However to be fair why on earth would he want to spend time with you and your kids? To 'have time the 3 of us', he's dating you not your kids, you need to prioritise them.

I think the op is on a wind up

@owlinnahat

Oh dear gods. Are people on this thread actually saying this man is abusive because he doesn't want to go bowling?

No, no-one said this, read again.

I think many, if not most, abusive men probably tell subsequent partners that it was actually they who were the victims.

@DaisyStPatience I agree

@Booboobadoo

His two exes were awful so he needs his freedom - oh really. And it sounds like he's only really good to you if you demand nothing of him

My thoughts exactly

He seems to be using those real or imagined bad relationships to limit your expectations of him. After all his freedom is so important to him. more important than a caring give and take relationship with you.

Has he had counselling to process his previous two relationships? Has he completed the Freedom programme (if men can access that, I'm not sure). Does he have any relationship triggers that dysregulate his feelings? If so what is he doing about them?

What work has he done on his self esteem? How has he grown from those relationships and what parts of him have they changed? Did he report them? Can you do Clares Law to double check what he says is true?

Couldn't her father take her bowling ?.

I think it's just one of those situations in which you can't get everything you want.

If my daughter was missing me and asking to spend time with me, I'd be there even if it meant missing my boyfriend.

And realistically she isn't going to appreciate him coming to stay when she's specifically asked to spend time with you.

Nor does it make him unreasonable if he doesn't want to stay because he feels exhausted.

How long will he be working away? Maybe you just have to face having longer breaks until your daughter is older or he moves back?

Seems weird to me

Wanting to mix up your boyfriend with your dd, that is.

@Pyewhacket

Couldn't her father take her bowling ?.

She doesn't want to go bowling. She wants her mum

Your daughter is feeling insecure. It is understandable due to some of the background you have told us. Stay with her have some fun together and let her know how much she is loved.
See how he feels in two weeks.

Fuck me sideways...
I cannot believe there are so many selfish spiteful "Lonely" people on this website... Nearly everyone has an opinion which basically says get rid of your partner... There is obviously a reason your single... There doesn't appear to be any tolerance, patience or understanding. There is definitely a lack of good advise like, TALK & LISTEN to each other...? Communicate with each other. Some people just like to talk, but they don't really know how to Listen...
Try LISTENING to each other and try a bit of give and take...

If this was a stepmom the answers would be completely different, and she’d be told she wasn’t unreasonable to not want to spend time with his children.

We don’t actually know she’s 17, but let’s look at it another way:

Op is with her boyfriend every weekend. So she doesn’t actually spend any quality time with her daughter.

Now the daughter feels the OP’s bf is being prioritised, and instead of spending one weekend with her daughter, she prioritises the bf by asking him to be there.

So she won’t get to see him for one weekend, big deal. She’s happy to not see her dd every other weekend, she can manage without the bf this once.

Has he completed the Freedom programme (if men can access that, I'm not sure)

I'm sorry but I had to laugh at this. A bloke needing to go on the Freedom Programme - yet another opportunity for the menz to elbow their way into women's spaces. Men are already pretty bloody free as it is!

I think he probably is too tired to want to do much with family stuff, working away and everything. and would rather chill out when back home.=, and doesn't relish being organised into doing stuff that you suggest.

@daisychain01

Has he completed the Freedom programme (if men can access that, I'm not sure)

I'm sorry but I had to laugh at this. A bloke needing to go on the Freedom Programme - yet another opportunity for the menz to elbow their way into women's spaces. Men are already pretty bloody free as it is!

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/men.php

OP said she loves her boyfriend. I wonder if that's reciprocated?

An (ex) friend of mine has met someone and HAS chosen her boyfriend over her daughter. It's awful - daughter was 16 with no siblings for support. Thst mother/daughter relationship is broken for good. Very sad.

He is away for what, 2 weeks at a time? Isn't reliable. What else is he doing (who else is he seeing?) His job sounds..... very odd.

And isn't is such a coincidence that this MAN has had 2 bad relationships and it's conveniently the womens fault? Think about it... "one as the victim of violence, one with a coercive controller". What is his 'definition' of a "coercive controller"? A woman who wanted some commitment and to have some idea where her partner was, maybe? Hardly unreasonable. It sounds like to me he labelled a woman who wanted a partner she could rely as a 'coercive controller', simply because she wanted some stability and reliability. Nah, I don't buy that he was both the victim of violence and the victim of a 'coercive controller'. It sounds like you've bought his LIES. This is a man who doesn't want to be in a relationship, and he calls any woman he leads on as a 'coercive controller' because she dares to expect some sort of actual partnership. It sounds to me like he wants to have the freedom to 'disappear' for weeks at a time, with no ties or commitment to women, and isn't honest enough to say that so instead has to paint his exe as the 'crazy coercive controller' and himself the victim. He doesn't want a relationship, OP. He wants Friends With Benefits so he can disappear for awhile and come and go as he pleases. He doesn't feel any commitment to you, let alone your children, so why are you asking this 'free spirit' man to spend any time with kids he couldn't care about?

He wants his freedom and blames the woman for wanting more. You know that he will be calling you the coercive controller behind your back when you break up with him. You know that, don't you? He is not relationship material. I would never be with a man who 'worked away' for 2 weeks and I hardly saw him. Let him shag as many women he wants with his freedom that he needs. He is not relationship material, he told you this when he called his exe a 'coercive controller'. That there, should have had you running for the hills back then. I wouldn't allow your teenage kids to run your life, but I also wouldn't waste any more time on this wastrel, he wants his freedom, he does not want a relationship where he has to be equal to his partner and accountable to her. Ditch him.

MN makes me laugh. If a mother was writing this, saying that her boyfriend wanted her to spend time with his kids, the majority of answers would be "they are HIS kids, not yours ! He should be parenting them , you've worked hard all week, you need some me time".

Would he be too exhausted to spend time socialising with your family and friends?

After 2 and a half years this all sounds very compartmentalised.

Whatever his reasons, it sounds as though he isn’t willing to be fully part of your life, and only you can decide whether that is a problem for you. However, from what you say it is.