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Original poster

Boyfriend won’t spend time with my children - ‘he’s too tired’

306 replies

Lcar · 19/02/2022 19:58

I’m a mum of 4. Late teens and up.
I’ve been dating a guy I really love and who’s really good to me for 2 and a half years.
He started a new job in November, working 2 hours away. He comes home every 2 weeks, or I go to see him if he has to stay on site. It’s kind of working.
This weekend he was home for a long weekend.
Last week, my youngest was crying, she’s lonely when I’m away, and is struggling. She thinks I love my boyfriend more than her.
So I asked him to come to my place this weekend.
His work is crazy busy, site manager in charge of 30+ workers on a construction site. I get it, he’s shattered and needs quiet time when he’s home.
I suggested we took my youngest bowling.
Not stressy, just quiet time for the 3 of us together.
He said he’s too tired to come to my place.

I won’t have a chance to see him again for 2 weeks.
I said it’s not ok that he’s making me choose between him and my children.
He said ‘that’s life’.

He’s a good man who’s been through 2 shit relationships, one as the victim of violence, one with a coercive controller.

His freedom is very important to him.

I left an abusive marriage 4 years ago. I also have triggers and shit to deal with, plus 4 lovely children who are doing well. Mostly.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
mrsplum2015 · 20/02/2022 05:53

If you only see him every two weeks you have to work out a way to support your daughter to deal with that.

Not unreasonable that he doesn't want to go out with both of you.

You could still have a couple of nights with him and take her bowling on another night.

As others said does she not have siblings friends or a dad she can spend a couple of nights with.

My dp is flat out at work at the moment. He loves my kids but is too tired to spend time with anyone except his v close friends, his adult kids and me.

I'm absolutely fine with that and we fit in time between work and my kids, either when they are at work or a couple hours for a drink or a walk when they are at home.

mrsplum2015 · 20/02/2022 05:53

Sorry I mean when my kids are with their dad not when they're at work.

MadForBurpees · 20/02/2022 05:54

@Migrainesbythedozen

He is away for what, 2 weeks at a time? Isn't reliable. What else is he doing (who else is he seeing?) His job sounds..... very odd.

And isn't is such a coincidence that this MAN has had 2 bad relationships and it's conveniently the womens fault? Think about it... "one as the victim of violence, one with a coercive controller". What is his 'definition' of a "coercive controller"? A woman who wanted some commitment and to have some idea where her partner was, maybe? Hardly unreasonable. It sounds like to me he labelled a woman who wanted a partner she could rely as a 'coercive controller', simply because she wanted some stability and reliability. Nah, I don't buy that he was both the victim of violence and the victim of a 'coercive controller'. It sounds like you've bought his LIES. This is a man who doesn't want to be in a relationship, and he calls any woman he leads on as a 'coercive controller' because she dares to expect some sort of actual partnership. It sounds to me like he wants to have the freedom to 'disappear' for weeks at a time, with no ties or commitment to women, and isn't honest enough to say that so instead has to paint his exe as the 'crazy coercive controller' and himself the victim. He doesn't want a relationship, OP. He wants Friends With Benefits so he can disappear for awhile and come and go as he pleases. He doesn't feel any commitment to you, let alone your children, so why are you asking this 'free spirit' man to spend any time with kids he couldn't care about?

He wants his freedom and blames the woman for wanting more. You know that he will be calling you the coercive controller behind your back when you break up with him. You know that, don't you? He is not relationship material. I would never be with a man who 'worked away' for 2 weeks and I hardly saw him. Let him shag as many women he wants with his freedom that he needs. He is not relationship material, he told you this when he called his exe a 'coercive controller'. That there, should have had you running for the hills back then. I wouldn't allow your teenage kids to run your life, but I also wouldn't waste any more time on this wastrel, he wants his freedom, he does not want a relationship where he has to be equal to his partner and accountable to her. Ditch him.

Spot on!
Polyanthus2 · 20/02/2022 05:55

@colliecolliecollieoioioi

Focus on your children. It's heartbreaking your LO is in tears because you prioritise time with your boyfriend.
the 'LO' is late teens FGS!
WutheringHeights66 · 20/02/2022 05:55

I don’t this his job is ….. very odd.

He works in construction so he has to work wherever that construction takes him. He presumably works for a company and that company gets contracts to build, be that an office block or bridge, somewhere in the country.

He goes, lives in digs during the week, then comes home. 🤷‍♀️

A580Hojas · 20/02/2022 06:00

I don't like the sound of him and he's not a keeper. You can't have a relationship with someone with four children and never have anything to do with them! He sounds pretty detatched from you anyway OP. You say he works "2 hours away" as though that's the ends of the earth and hence you only see each other once a fortnight! You could easily see each other more than that if this was a committed relationship, but it seems more like a friends with benefits kind of thing from his point if view. You do realise some people commute 2 hours each way every day?

A580Hojas · 20/02/2022 06:05

Just read back a bit and can see that me and Migrainesbythedozen have more or less the same opinion!

Gonnagetgoing · 20/02/2022 06:19

Some of the answers here are unkind,

I had a good and bad teenage stage which was severe PMT which wasn’t. diagnosed then. Had anxiety attacks, depression, insomnia but would go in stages so eg every 2-3 years. Doctors didn’t want to know or pumped me full of adult drugs which were way too strong from 12 years.

Anyway this all had an impact on my self confidence and so h spent more time with my mum and stepdad going on holiday with therm, to a coastal holiday home at weekends etc,

I did have my own friends but was nervous.

OP’s DD isn’t manipulating OP having been involved in being a child of an abusive marriage and then T the worst age ever separation or divorce,

Listen to your DD OP.

Jvg33 · 20/02/2022 06:21

Move on from him. My children would be my priority

Bromse · 20/02/2022 06:28

I feel sorry for your little girl who was crying because her mum was away with boyfriend/

You haven't come back so we know no more details but does boyfriend have any children? It sounds as though he doesn't and is not used to family dynamics. That doesn't make him 'bad', it's just how it is. He sees the relationship as you and him and can't envisage you plus four children as a package deal.

You are at different places.

Not many people would want to get too involved with someone who had four children, at least not four young, dependent children; different when they are off hand.

I am not going to make any suggestions but do think about this very carefully. It's fine to have a boyfriend but might be better to have one who doesn't work way, who lives nearer so you can see him without travelling away, ie have a baby sitter for an evening or see him when the children are out somewhere. If he has children or a child, he'll be in the same boat and you'll work round it.

Children come first when they are young.

MmeMeursault · 20/02/2022 06:35

"He’s a good man who’s been through 2 shit relationships, one as the victim of violence, one with a coercive controller."

Yeah right.

Bet these exes don't see it like this.

🚩🚩🚩🚩

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/02/2022 06:44

@Hyenaormeercat

It is quite possible for the OP partner to avoid her DC. If he doesn't want to engage with them. It depends on whether she goes along with it and for how long. My mother's husband has had little to do with me and DB for 50 years. Probably not having had more than a handful of conversations with us... Spoke to us maybe half a dozen times during our childhood, he refused to come in or speak to us. Picking DM up outside the house 3 times a week. Married when we were late teens and only spoken when unavoidable since. I'm 55.
You were 5 and your mother was happy to continue a relationship with and marry a man, who pretended you and your brother don’t exist. Shock

You obviously want different things @Lcar. But is couldn’t be with someone, who gave my children such little thought and respect.

Bromse · 20/02/2022 06:44

Polyanthus2: the 'LO' is late teens FGS!
...............
Yes, you're right there. I did read that her children were 'late teens and up' in her opening post but when I continued to read the thread I forget that. It sounded as though the 'little one' was much younger.

She is still the op's child, living at home, presumably at school, and wants her mum's attention.

I don't blame the boyfriend for not wanting to stay at op's house with four grown up children still living there, I imagine that would be quite intimidating.

If it was the other way round we'd probably be urging her not to get involved with a man who had four children at home! Most of us would run a mile.

This is a situation only the op can work out, frankly.

KatherineJaneway · 20/02/2022 07:07

@Marchmount

Why is your daughter in her late teens crying and making a fuss when you see your partner one day a fortnight? Is she normally that needy? I could understand if you had moved him in but her behaviour sounds very controlling. If your partner is working flat out then I suspect that the idea of going bowling with a teenager who doesn’t like him is hardly appealing.
I agree with this.
BadNomad · 20/02/2022 07:09

I don't blame the guy for saying no. After a long week at work the last thing I fancy doing it going out anywhere with anyone. Bowling is not quiet time. Quiet time is sitting in your PJs, eating crap while watching Netflix. Your daughter is upset with you and your choices. It has nothing to do with him.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 20/02/2022 07:13

My thoughts - choose your children.

He doesn't want to be part of a family unit. That's his choice. He wants a girlfriend he can see and have sex with. He doesn't want to hang out with your kids or become a stepdad figure. He doesn't want family life. He wants you. Alone. And he isn't bothered what you do with your kids as long as you don't bring them. He's not wrong for that, he's allowed to want a relationship like that. He simply can't have that sort of relationship with someone who has children. And someone who has children shouldn't choose that sort of relationship.

Don't leave your 12 year old to go stay with your boyfriend.

Hydrate · 20/02/2022 07:13

I think he is tired and going out bowling is not his idea of down time.

BertramLacey · 20/02/2022 07:19

And it’s fine for her children to come first to her but they don’t need to be his priority.

This, really. Her children should come first, even if they're near adults. With the background of abuse they'll likely need their mum more than other children of the same age. But they don't have to be his priority. This may well make the OP and her partner incompatible.

Then OP I think you need to think very carefully about this man and how well you know him. He may be the victim of abuse himself or he may just be telling you an embellished version of the 'my crazy exes' story. And your youngest may have got the measure of him better than you have, which is why she's kicking off.

Ragwort · 20/02/2022 07:20

Haven't you posted about this relationship before? It clearly doesn't make you happy so end it. He wants his 'freedom' .... let him have it.

Whatever the rights and wrongs are ... it's obviously not working for either of you,

MiddleParking · 20/02/2022 07:27

@WouldIwasShookspeared

My thoughts - choose your children.

He doesn't want to be part of a family unit. That's his choice. He wants a girlfriend he can see and have sex with. He doesn't want to hang out with your kids or become a stepdad figure. He doesn't want family life. He wants you. Alone. And he isn't bothered what you do with your kids as long as you don't bring them. He's not wrong for that, he's allowed to want a relationship like that. He simply can't have that sort of relationship with someone who has children. And someone who has children shouldn't choose that sort of relationship.

Don't leave your 12 year old to go stay with your boyfriend.

When and how did she become 12?!
DoNotTouchTheWater · 20/02/2022 07:30

The thing is, nothing the OP has said other than her insistence that he’s making her choose, suggests he is making her choose.

He works away and has limited time off. He doesn’t want to spend that with her children. He doesn’t want to stay at her house and take a teenager bowling etc.

It’s not entirely clear, but from what the OP is written it sounds like he’s opting out of seeing her because he doesn’t fancy a weekend of playing happy families (with teenagers who already resent him). That means they won’t see each other for another 2 weeks. Saying ‘that’s life’ could apply as much to him as to her - he works away and doesn’t get to see his girlfriend when he’s home because she’s busy with her family.

There’s no actual choice here. It just sounds like their life circumstances are incompatible. If the OP wants a relationship, it’ll need to be with someone who lives nearby and who she can see in a manner that doesn’t conflict with her family life.

Beautiful3 · 20/02/2022 07:30

Why is your late teens daughter crying about you going out once a fortnight?! Thats werid. You need to.nip that in the bud, she being very controlling over you.

pilates · 20/02/2022 07:34

How old is your DD? I’m surprised a late teen would want to go out with her mum and boyfriend at the weekend.
I can understand why your boyfriend doesn’t want to go bowling when he’s knackered. I couldn’t think of anything worse tbh.
YABU

Loopytiles · 20/02/2022 07:35

OP hasn’t posted.

It’s not clear whether OP is seeing her BF every weekend or every fortnight (one weekend her going away, the next him ‘coming home’). Either way, but especially if every weekend, can understand why a 17yo would find it unsettling.

slashlover · 20/02/2022 07:37

@MmeMeursault

"He’s a good man who’s been through 2 shit relationships, one as the victim of violence, one with a coercive controller."

Yeah right.

Bet these exes don't see it like this.

🚩🚩🚩🚩

Why are there so many posts not believing that this man was in two abusive relationships but not one questioning the OP saying she was in one?

Oh, right , because he's a man.