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Relationships

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Original poster

Boyfriend won’t spend time with my children - ‘he’s too tired’

306 replies

Lcar · 19/02/2022 19:58

I’m a mum of 4. Late teens and up.
I’ve been dating a guy I really love and who’s really good to me for 2 and a half years.
He started a new job in November, working 2 hours away. He comes home every 2 weeks, or I go to see him if he has to stay on site. It’s kind of working.
This weekend he was home for a long weekend.
Last week, my youngest was crying, she’s lonely when I’m away, and is struggling. She thinks I love my boyfriend more than her.
So I asked him to come to my place this weekend.
His work is crazy busy, site manager in charge of 30+ workers on a construction site. I get it, he’s shattered and needs quiet time when he’s home.
I suggested we took my youngest bowling.
Not stressy, just quiet time for the 3 of us together.
He said he’s too tired to come to my place.

I won’t have a chance to see him again for 2 weeks.
I said it’s not ok that he’s making me choose between him and my children.
He said ‘that’s life’.

He’s a good man who’s been through 2 shit relationships, one as the victim of violence, one with a coercive controller.

His freedom is very important to him.

I left an abusive marriage 4 years ago. I also have triggers and shit to deal with, plus 4 lovely children who are doing well. Mostly.

Thoughts?

OP posts:

CJsGoldfish · 20/02/2022 07:37

I'm not sure I'm following.
You see him every two weeks or so but you do go visit him on site in between sometimes?
Why is your late teen child crying over this?

MiddleParking · 20/02/2022 07:38

He is away for what, 2 weeks at a time? Isn't reliable. What else is he doing (who else is he seeing?) His job sounds..... very odd.

His job doesn’t sound remotely odd! That’s how the construction industry works. Lots of men go where they’re needed, often for several days or weeks at a time and working really hard for horrendous hours in all weather. Some people on mumsnet really seem to think the roads and utilities and buildings they use are naturally occurring. It was the same in lockdown when people couldn’t understand why so many workers they didn’t have personal contact with were nevertheless ‘key’ to the continued running of the country.

That said, two hours would have been a daily commute for a job for my DH (who does the same role) before we had young kids. I suspect he’s choosing to stay away because he doesn’t feel that he’s committed at home. It just sounds like you’re on different pages, and I don’t believe the two abusive exes thing either.

MiddleParking · 20/02/2022 07:38

*Why are there so many posts not believing that this man was in two abusive relationships but not one questioning the OP saying she was in one?

Oh, right , because he's a man.*

Well, yes, of course that’s why.

saleorbouy · 20/02/2022 07:45

Surely he has his "freedom" on the w/e had doesn't see you. A few hours of his time to mix with your family should be on his agenda if he wants to progress this relationship further and make things more cohesive.
I would also be wondering why your teen is unable to cope without your undivided attention every other w/e.
Seems like you a being manipulated by both a bit.
If this is going to be the norm then I don't think the future is too bright for the relationship.

Kittykat93 · 20/02/2022 07:46

Why are people saying 'little girl' and 'children come first when they are young'??? I'm sorry but if this is a 17 year old girl I think she's being a bit ridiculous. Her mum is allowed to have a life and a relationship and it doesn't sound like op doesn't spend time with her children.

HelloDulling · 20/02/2022 07:51

He doesn’t sound great, tbh. Happy to not see you for a month, only interested if you go over to his. Ugh. No.

DoNotTouchTheWater · 20/02/2022 07:54

@HelloDulling

He doesn’t sound great, tbh. Happy to not see you for a month, only interested if you go over to his. Ugh. No.

She’s got 4 children (3 of them young adults) at home. I can’t imagine spending a weekend at hers is that appealing really.

labyrinthlaziness · 20/02/2022 08:00

@HelloDulling

He doesn’t sound great, tbh. Happy to not see you for a month, only interested if you go over to his. Ugh. No.

I agree, he sounds disinterested, I think the op can do much better.

He doesn't have to be a full blown stepdad, but not having any contact with the family is too far the other way.

I would think this relationship is going nowhere.

Imdonna · 20/02/2022 08:01

I don't see what he has done wrong. He clearly isn't interested in a relationship with your kids. Or spending the weekend doing activities around your teem doesn't appeal.

He isn't making you choose he declined. You know he isn't ever going to be a father figure or overly involved with them. So now you decide if that's a relationship you want.

Have you ever talked about the future? Moving in, when you kids are older? What the future looks like.

Some people can be very happy keeping their relationships separate from their kids, even adult kids. Plenty live apart even when their kids have left.

You just need to decide what you want and wether this is for you.

I don't think anyone is wrong here and he isn't making you choose. You decided you wanted you all to spend the weekend together, now trying to frame it as tjoygh he has done something wrong, because he won't go along with your plans.

OneTiredMam · 20/02/2022 08:03

Your teenagers are crying because your boyfriend doesn't want to spend time with them?
Maybe he doesn't want to be involved with the kids he wouldn't be the first.

SunshineCake1 · 20/02/2022 08:08

This is less about him and all about your child.

She is crying because she thinks you love him more than her.

Stop thinking about why he doesn't want to spend more time with you and your children but why you children thinks what she thinks.

I would end it.

sweetbellyhigh · 20/02/2022 08:09

@OneTiredMam

Your teenagers are crying because your boyfriend doesn't want to spend time with them?

Maybe he doesn't want to be involved with the kids he wouldn't be the first.

No that isn't what was said.

One daughter is missing her mum when she goes away to visit boyfriend

sweetbellyhigh · 20/02/2022 08:10

@Kittykat93

Where does it say she is 17?

Riverlee · 20/02/2022 08:18

@Dontbeme

After two and a half years he's not that fussed about your relationship, so why invest more time and effort into a man who sees you as an option but he wants to be a priority.

This

Broads93 · 20/02/2022 08:19

Tbf the last thing I'd want is to work all the hours under the sun and then look after someone else's kid in my downtime.
Have you and him had a chat about your future? If not, you absolutely need to.

Heytheredemons · 20/02/2022 08:19

@10sweetbellyhigh

Says all 4 children are late teens in 1st line of OP. So at least 17. Also, On looking at OP posting history, the almost adult child was 15 in 2019. So she is at a minimum of 17. She has an unconditional offer for uni , most likely 18.

Zonder · 20/02/2022 08:19

He's not that into you. He could at least have the decency to tell you.

MichelleScarn · 20/02/2022 08:21

Op says she's the youngest and is 'late teens'. So 17-19 would be late teens?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 20/02/2022 08:23

You aren't compatible.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 20/02/2022 08:28

where the fuck did I get 12 from? I actually thought I read it!! I need more coffee. I'll just be in the corner cringing. 😂

Imdonna · 20/02/2022 08:29

I am actually shocked at the distance leveled at the daughter. She is around 17....and what?

Its not an easy age, if she is going to uni in septemeber, she maybe genuinely struggling. She could have all sorts going on. There's no suggestion she does it all the time or that she may have just been having a difficult time and will feel fine and a bit daft about it soon.

Or maybe op is actually in eated more in her boyfriend than her kids. She could be one of those peoopl3 who spends all her time talking and texting her boyfriend and not engaging with her kids. Maybe not. But there's so little information here, I can't believe people are deciding the teen is manipulative and awful.

Maassi · 20/02/2022 08:30

There is no way in hell I'd want to spend time with someone else's bratty teenager if I were exhausted and needing down time after work. I'd be sleeping!

Heytheredemons · 20/02/2022 08:31

For those questioning, the age of the children and the "selfishness" of the boyfriend read this from a couple of weeks ago. Appears he is oozing to commit and make a life with OP and daughter has made some very manipulative comments to her mother if the post is to be taken at face value

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4443490-Am-I-being-selfish-Feeling-lost

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 20/02/2022 08:33

He's not making you choose , he'd been quite clear . I wouldn't want to spend time with other people's kids either . Consider the possibility that this set up is not compatible with your life

Heytheredemons · 20/02/2022 08:34

Looking not oozing. Can we have an edit button please Mumsnet 🤣

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