Dh offered to be an organ donor to a relative

[ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp]

Dh's niece may have needed a liver or a kidney donation. She's 19. She has lots of medical problems.

I've just discovered that dh offered his in a conversation with his sister - no match assessment made - it was just a case of offering whatever could be needed.

We have 3 younger dcs together. Dh didn't discuss this with me at all.

Am I a bitch for thinking he should have discussed it with me first and since he has his own dcs, he shouldn't risk such huge surgery because they need their dad?

No idea if it’s reasonable or not but I’d feel exactly as you do.

I agree, something that big should be discussed with you as well. It’s good he wants to help, but the health implications affect you all.

Maybe it was more of a ‘anything I can do to help’ comment, rather specific organ donation, and his sister mistook his intentions.

You’re not a bitch.

But is tge surgery really such a big risk though? They won't do it if he isn't healthy enough.

Assume his offer was hypothetical on the assumption that he is a match and judged to be healthy enough to make the donation safely

Sounds like you are overreacting a bit IMHO

Over reacting in what way? I've not done or said anything.

I was told by his brother in law that dh said if he were a match he would donate whatever organ they needed.

The point is, whether he is a match or not, dh donating organs without regard for his own family's future and needs strikes me as reckless and odd.

If it was your sisters child wouldn’t you offer? I know I would. But then I wouldn’t see the surgery as being risky. Maybe your Dh doesn’t either

If my nephews needed an organ donation which could be provided by a living donor I'd absolutely offer to be tested and tell DP I'd offered.

We'd have no discussion. He'd have no choice.

If I was a positive match I'd be happy to discuss it with him but ultimately it'd be my choice. I will always have my children at the forefront of my mind and I wouldn't be willing to let my brothers lose theirs.

Organ donation is absolutely risky. Of course it is.

I don't think I would offer, no because of the risk to my own children's future if something happened to me.

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

Over reacting in what way? I've not done or said anything.

I was told by his brother in law that dh said if he were a match he would donate whatever organ they needed.

The point is, whether he is a match or not, dh donating organs without regard for his own family's future and needs strikes me as reckless and odd.

His niece is his family.

Tbh if it was my niece I would offer without consulting my partner. I’m sure he planned to talk to you before he’s assessed and there’d be more conversations if he was a match.

Personally I’d think about what a lovely thing it is to offer and it says a lot about him as a person. Also if one of your children was in the unfortunate position I’m sure you’d deeply appreciate anyone offering the same (probably more so than if they said I’d like to help but will have to consult my partner first).

I understand why you're upset but surely if one of your children was in his neice's position you'd be grateful if your brother or sister offered this. I think you should be thinking about how your husband feels about his neice actually being sick rather than focus on a hypothetical situation of him being a match and the getting ill I'd the operation went wrong.

On balance, I think YABU. If my OH was cross with me for offering to donate an organ to one of my nieces, I’d tell him to fuck off. If they are a match, would you make him stand by and watch her be unwell because he has his own children? What if it was your child who needed the organ and their uncle refused because their partner said he shouldn't risk such huge surgery because his kids need their dad?

Your dh is a wonderful man and you need to think about how you'd feel if your deeply beloved child needed a donation and your BiL blocked your sister. Its OK to have a wobble but no, in my family we'd have no need to discuss this I'd back my dh 100% and be proud of him

I wouldn't ask my sister or brother to donate because of the risks and what if they were seriously injured or even died themselves as result?

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

I wouldn't ask my sister or brother to donate because of the risks and what if they were seriously injured or even died themselves as result?

Would you prefer your child died instead?

I would offer an organ to my niece and I would divorce my partner if they opposed it.

Of course any major surgery is risky! Especially giving up an organ! Flips sake

OP I think what he’s done is very honourable, and obviously at this stage it is still hypothetical subject to matching/health etc. but it’s still
an offer made, and of course it’s a discussion to be had with you first, about the risks etc

I would find another donor.

It's not a matter of preferring someone else died.

It's about understanding that other parents have responsibilities to their own children's well-being.

Well, they are his organs, not yours.

They are also his children.

His body, not yours.

So? His niece needs something he can give, the likelihood is his children don’t.
Plus they have two parents, you have organs too.

Was he asked or did he offer though? Your original post said he offered in which case you don’t know that they won’t look for alternatives first.

My point is @WheelieBinPrincess, what happens if something awful happens to him in surgery? His children lose their father?

I would find another donor

How exactly would you find this elusive person to donate an organ to your dying child who has no living relatives or friends who would be negatively impacted if the donation was unsuccessful in some way and the donor became sick or died?