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Original poster

Dh offered to be an organ donor to a relative

389 replies

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 13/02/2022 16:48

Dh's niece may have needed a liver or a kidney donation. She's 19. She has lots of medical problems.

I've just discovered that dh offered his in a conversation with his sister - no match assessment made - it was just a case of offering whatever could be needed.

We have 3 younger dcs together. Dh didn't discuss this with me at all.

Am I a bitch for thinking he should have discussed it with me first and since he has his own dcs, he shouldn't risk such huge surgery because they need their dad?

OP posts:
justustwoandmoo · 13/02/2022 17:46

Doesn't sound like he agrees to anything definite. Tbh I'd prob say that if it was my Niece. I'm sure if he's been formally asked with a definite match he would speak to you xx

WildRunner · 13/02/2022 17:47

[quote ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp]@whatnumber wrong again.

I wouldn't take an organ from a family member who had their own children. They have responsibility to their own children.

What if the family members got ill or died and their children were left without a parent? Because of my family?

And organ donation is complex, serious procedure. No catastrophising at all. It's not simple. [/quote]
So only child free people should be donors? Are we somehow more disposable?

It sounds like this is just a hypothetical question at this stage. If it got to be a serious decision I'd absolutely expect a discussion, but not in a "what if" type conversation

thedancingbear · 13/02/2022 17:47

Yet again, on MN, bodily autonomy only applies to women.

Your DH is a fucking legend for even considering this. I would be proud.

justustwoandmoo · 13/02/2022 17:48

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

I wouldn't ask my sister or brother to donate because of the risks and what if they were seriously injured or even died themselves as result?
I don't think you can say this without being in their position. You WOULD ask them if it meant the life of your child. You would. Trust me
Dutchesss · 13/02/2022 17:48

I would offer my own kidneys to my non biological neices and nephews. I would certainly expect my husband to if it could save their life and he wouldn't need my permission.

CrinklyCraggy · 13/02/2022 17:51

What an impossible situation to find himself in.

Of course he needs to be there for his children, but to stand back and watch his brother lose his, when he could help? I imagine he expected/hoped the child's father would be a match if he was, he never expected it to come to that and would have talked to you if it had.

TyrannosaurusRegina · 13/02/2022 17:51

Your husband is his own person, he has autonomy over his own body and doesn't need permission to do such a thing from another person surely?

LilyWater · 13/02/2022 17:51

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

I wouldn't ask my sister or brother to donate because of the risks and what if they were seriously injured or even died themselves as result?
You're ignorant @ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp of what organ donation entails. The risk of mortality and morbidity to the donor (as with any operation) is tiny. Before overreacting, you should educate yourself from a medical professional who's knowledgeable about what it entails. There are more risks for the person who is receiving the organ.

The person donating goes through extensive tests as they won't let the person donate unless they're in excellent health, even if the donor wanted to go ahead. With kidneys, donating a kidney has no effect on the donor in normal circumstances. This isn't a risky operation so it's your husband's body and his choice.

EsmeGythaMagrat · 13/02/2022 17:52

Wow! My FIL needed a kidney, he’s T1 diabetic and his kidney function had diminished to dangerous levels. When my DH told me, it went without saying that he was going to offer one of his. We have DS but he wouldn’t be the man I thought he was if he didn’t offer. As it turns out, he wasn’t a match so couldn’t, my stepMIL was a match and I was next in line to be tested if she wasn’t. He’s family and we want him around.
On your other point about organ donation, you could try talking to one of the surgical team. They do this day in and day out, while it was very complex years ago it’s not fraught with danger as you believe.
Honestly, talk to surgical staff who do this stuff, I bet you it would make you feel better about it.

AlternativePerspective · 13/02/2022 17:52

Thing is, there’s a difference between asking someone to donate you one of their organs, and that person offering to donate one.

Not everyone is comfortable i with the idea of being a living donor for various reasons, and no-one is wrong for not wanting to personally do it, and therefore asking is potentially putting a lot more pressure on people than is fair.

But if a person offers of their own will, then clearly it is something they’ve considered, and they will be given counselling and extensive testing as part of the process, so it’s not a case of them just rocking up at the hospital on the desired day and going down to have a kidney extracted.

But I can’t help thinking that OP disagrees with organ donation as a whole, given she said she wouldn’t accept an organ.

SirenSays · 13/02/2022 17:53

I'd offer, as would my DH. I don't think I could love a man who wouldn't.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/02/2022 17:53

Given your responses on here, I don't think this would have been a 'discussion' at all. It would have been you telling him he can't. Which I'm afraid, isn't your call as it's not your body.

caringcarer · 13/02/2022 17:53

If either one of my niece's or nephews needed a kidney or bit of liver I would always offer to help in a heartbeat. Just as I know if it was one of my children needing help their Aunties would offer their body bits. It is what you do for family and his niece is his blood family.

linchinton · 13/02/2022 17:54

I think you're being very unreasonable.

Just put yourself in someone else's shoes for a single second and how it would feel if a close relative wasn't willing to do this for your child?

Fireflygal · 13/02/2022 17:54

Op, you are (over) reacting because of fear BUT please support your husband until facts are known. Don't create an argument at this time as your husband is being protective towards his neice.

  1. He may not be a match - that's the most likely outcome and you will have caused hurt for no reason.
  2. If he is a match then find out more about the issues/risks. Only then can your husband make a decision. You are assuming it's high risk without actually knowing the risks. Every transplant case is different however it also one of the most specialist and thorough medical procedures.

My siblings offered transplants if I needed it. Of course if the risk to them was high, I or anyone else in the family wouldn't have supported them being a donor. This is implicit even if not said.

Your husband cares for his family and you have to trust that they will care for him equally. They won't want to lose him to save the neice.

billy1966 · 13/02/2022 17:54

YANBU.

I would be seriously unhappy at my husband making this offer when we had young children without any discussion.

Mama1980 · 13/02/2022 17:56

I could never be with anyone who would stand back and let his niece die when he could save her.
I'd offer and would assume my partner to too. His body his choice, he should have mentioned it, but it's his choice.

Nanny0gg · 13/02/2022 17:56

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

Over reacting in what way? I've not done or said anything.

I was told by his brother in law that dh said if he were a match he would donate whatever organ they needed.

The point is, whether he is a match or not, dh donating organs without regard for his own family's future and needs strikes me as reckless and odd.

So, you have a discussion and he still wants to do it.

What then?

PieonaBarm · 13/02/2022 17:57

I was close to a situation like this in the last 12 months. Fortunately it never came to it and last chance treatment worked. Best match for me would have been a sibling. Not a chance I would have let my brother donate or be part of a scheme where his organ goes to a third party and in return I get one from a third party (all live donors). He has kids, what if they need something similar in future and Aunty Pie is in her 50's swanning around with their Dads kidney and they needed one?

I've no kids, and if Nephew/Niece Pie needed something it's theirs without question, I can see where your DH is coming from, though he does have his own kids - and you - to consider. I can see your side too.

AuntEater · 13/02/2022 17:57

YANBU he should have discussed this with you before offering

Sparklingbrook · 13/02/2022 17:59

@AuntEater

YANBU he should have discussed this with you before offering
Why though? And before he even knows he's a match?
BertramLacey · 13/02/2022 17:59

I would find another donor.

Well presumably this other donor has to not have children or any other dependants, otherwise they'd be in the same position as your DH. So do you consider people in this position as just kind of disposable people waiting around, willing to donate organs?

If they actually found he was a match, I would expect some kind of discussion before he had surgery. I'd want just to talk it through but I wouldn't expect my opinion to count for that much. His niece is his family. If he wants to donate, that is his choice. You can disagree or say you would do something different, but it really is down to him. Yes I'd want a considered discussion in which we discussed the risks, but ultimately, his body, his choice.

bumblingbovine49 · 13/02/2022 18:00

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

I wouldn't ask my sister or brother to donate because of the risks and what if they were seriously injured or even died themselves as result?
I am sorry but I do not believe this for one minute. If your child were going to die but an organ donation from one of your family could save their lives, you wouldn't ask them Really? Actually try to imagine that situation, rather than looking at it from your current perspective. You are a much more altruistic person than most people if that is true.

Of course organ donation has some risks but they are not big risks to the doner, otherwise doctors would not perform them

Roselilly36 · 13/02/2022 18:00

I hope you are never in this position OP, but if it was you or a member of your family would you offer or accept an offer? Assuming you wanted to donate would you discuss it first with your DH? All surgery is a risk I accept that point completely, but so is child birth, and you did that more than once. YABU.

poetryandwine · 13/02/2022 18:00

OP,

You are so fiercely protective of your own DC that I am another who thinks you would be fine with the father of other children donating if yours needed the organ.

PPs have given you the statistics for both kidney and liver transplants. You can see that both are very safe. Modern screening is improving outcomes all the time. And IIRC your DH may not even be a match.

There has been a communication breakdown somewhere but from what you’ve told us it is hard to know where. I think your DH sounds like a man of fundamentally good values. I hope I would make the same offer if faced with it.