Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh offered to be an organ donor to a relative

389 replies

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 13/02/2022 16:48

Dh's niece may have needed a liver or a kidney donation. She's 19. She has lots of medical problems.

I've just discovered that dh offered his in a conversation with his sister - no match assessment made - it was just a case of offering whatever could be needed.

We have 3 younger dcs together. Dh didn't discuss this with me at all.

Am I a bitch for thinking he should have discussed it with me first and since he has his own dcs, he shouldn't risk such huge surgery because they need their dad?

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 13/02/2022 17:27

But the OP doesn’t want a discussion. She clearly wants to tell him no.

My DP’s brother was in a position where he might have needed a liver transplant. We would probably have discussed it not because I disagree with living organ donation, but because the brother in question had serious substance addiction issues and the likelihood of his actually changing his lifestyle after receiving a donor liver was small. Although this would obviously have come up in counselling.

But at no point would I have told him he couldn’t do it, his body his choice. As it happened it never even got to the discussion stage,

But clearly that’s not the kind of discussion the OP wants to have.

Abigail12345654321 · 13/02/2022 17:27

@ouch321

I'd be proud. Your attitude is not nice at all.
I wouldn’t be proud. Husband was most likely making an empty gesture assuming he wouldn’t be a match. People like that back out if they are a match. People who really mean it talk to their spouse and possibly others first to discuss the implications.
girlmom21 · 13/02/2022 17:27

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

So you'd be happy for your dh to donate organs without discussing with you at all? Just telling you.
Abso-bloody-lutely.

I'd be disappointed if he could and chose not to.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/02/2022 17:28

I’d be more upset if he hadn’t offered

Yes, I agree.

FlorrieLindley · 13/02/2022 17:29

So much holier-than-thou virtue signalling on this. The OP is getting a hard time from certain quarters. I think she is absolutely right to worry about a) possible implications of the surgery and b) why her husband hasn't even mentioned it to her.

Liz1tummypain · 13/02/2022 17:29

I'm sure when it came to it, he would bear in mind the future of his own family. Not sure why but that seems a fair assumption to make. He sounds like he's doing the right thing.

Notlostjustexploring · 13/02/2022 17:29

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think as a parent of small children your first responsibility is to them and it is irresponsible to put yourself at risk like that. No kids or adult kids, it is your own body to do with as you please and would be an excellent thing to do.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 13/02/2022 17:30

I couldn't imagine sitting with someone I love, having them upset about their child possibly dying, and not offering to help in any way to comfort them.

At the moment it's an abstract idea, I'm sure he would discuss it with you if it becomes more real.

Just imagine if you were in his sisters shoes. You would do anything for your child.

peachgreen · 13/02/2022 17:30

Sorry OP but I think you'd feel very differently if it were your own child. You'd ask anyone and everyone to be a donor.

I'm a solo parent (DD's dad is dead) and I take my personal safety very seriously as I feel a huge responsibility to stay here for DD's sake - in fact I have refused surgery that would improve my life for that very reason - but if my niece or nephew needed an organ I would volunteer without even thinking about it, just as I would with my own child.

Iwonder08 · 13/02/2022 17:31

You are perfectly justified, I would be furious. He is selfish and doesn't consider the impact on his own family. The risks are high and he might leave you be a single mum

Thewindwhispers · 13/02/2022 17:31

Totally understand OP. I would be freaked and upset too. But think through what you’re saying, which is that organs should only come from people who have no children (or elderly parents) who need them. There simply aren’t enough people like that to help all the dying children that need organs.

You DH has made an incredible offer. Perhaps it will be needed, or perhaps he won’t be a march. Either way remember that he doesn’t actually want to give up an organ, he’s doing it because it’s necessary to save the life of his niece, in the same way he’d risk his health for you / his other family. Please try and admire what he’s said and keep your fears and tears to yourself. If you ask him to chose between his niece’s
life now, and your worries over possible things that might go wrong in the future of your children, he will chose his niece and it will damage your relationship. So don’t ask him to choose.

I wish you all the best.

GreenClock · 13/02/2022 17:31

He should have discussed it with you first but the final decision is his.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/02/2022 17:32

Yes, courtesy wise he should have discussed it with you. Would you have said no you can't? I don't think you have any right to tell him what he can do with his body.

RunningFromInsanity · 13/02/2022 17:32

[quote ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp]@whatnumber wrong again.

I wouldn't take an organ from a family member who had their own children. They have responsibility to their own children.

What if the family members got ill or died and their children were left without a parent? Because of my family?

And organ donation is complex, serious procedure. No catastrophising at all. It's not simple. [/quote]
If it was your child that was about to die you’d probably tear that organ out of someone to give it to her.

Lovemusic33 · 13/02/2022 17:32

Some really stupid comments on here.

OP, I would feel the same. My DC come first, I wouldn’t risk my life to save another family member and risk leaving my dc without a mother, I would however donate to one of my children. Your dh should have discussed it with you, if he still chose to go ahead that would be his choice but I think you should have been allowed to voice your concerns.

girlmom21 · 13/02/2022 17:32

But think through what you’re saying, which is that organs should only come from people who have no children (or elderly parents) who need them.

I think she's actually saying they should only come from people who are dead, which IMO is daft when it massively limits the feasible donor pool

BestKnitterInScotland · 13/02/2022 17:33

@RedRobin100

Of course any major surgery is risky! Especially giving up an organ! Flips sake

OP I think what he’s done is very honourable, and obviously at this stage it is still hypothetical subject to matching/health etc. but it’s still
an offer made, and of course it’s a discussion to be had with you first, about the risks etc

Well no. There is a risk with any operation. Those risks are outlined when you consent.

But there being "a risk" is not the same as it being "risky".

spongbob · 13/02/2022 17:33

Genuinely perplexed

He's not going to kill himself to give a liver, it's only if something were to happen

Why would you ever oppose that

affairsofdragons · 13/02/2022 17:33

He should have discussed it with you first. What if it's a genetic condition from his side? What if his own children may inherit it?

If he won't engage, insist he increase his life insurance policy massively immediately to protect his family if the worst should happen. And read the policies carefully.

Sparklingbrook · 13/02/2022 17:34

@Iwonder08

You are perfectly justified, I would be furious. He is selfish and doesn't consider the impact on his own family. The risks are high and he might leave you be a single mum
Furious? Really?

I would absolutely expect DH to offer, it's not a selfish act. Are there any figures suggesting it's 'high risk'?

SpinsForGin · 13/02/2022 17:34

I'd be proud.

People die while waiting for a suitable organ so if it's possible for a family member to help then that's clearly preferable than waiting for one to be found through other means.

itsjustnotok · 13/02/2022 17:34

I think he should have spoken to you to let you know, but ultimately this is his family and I can completely see why he would offer. If it were one of your children I doubt that you would 100% be likely to decline to save your child. Not everyone can find a donor in time, not everyone is a match. You don’t know if he is a match right now. Despite the risks you are just as at risk crossing a road or driving a car. Life is risk and he wants to help his sister and niece and I’d say despite the fear and risk fair play to someone who loves their family enough.

SaySomethingMan · 13/02/2022 17:34

Of course he should be mentioned it to you, not to ask for your permission but to make you aware.

It’s possible that he only said it in the heat of the moment, hoping it would never actually come to it so don’t think it worth mentioning.

Original poster
ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 13/02/2022 17:34

Gosh @FAQs. Do you never discuss important decisions with your oh? Like never?

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 13/02/2022 17:35

You are perfectly justified, I would be furious. He is selfish and doesn't consider the impact on his own family. The risks are high and he might leave you be a single mum no, the risks are not high at all. Maybe go and find out the facts before making up hysterical rubbish.

He’s more likely to be killed in a car accident on the way to the hospital, which would be ironic as he could then presumably be able to donate a lot more than just a kidney.