Dh offered to be an organ donor to a relative

[ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp]

Dh's niece may have needed a liver or a kidney donation. She's 19. She has lots of medical problems.

I've just discovered that dh offered his in a conversation with his sister - no match assessment made - it was just a case of offering whatever could be needed.

We have 3 younger dcs together. Dh didn't discuss this with me at all.

Am I a bitch for thinking he should have discussed it with me first and since he has his own dcs, he shouldn't risk such huge surgery because they need their dad?

UANBU. Of course he should have discussed to with you. At least he should have had a few days to think about it - which it seems he did not. It can be a very serious matter.

Ah this is one of those threads where OP will argue the toss with every single person who says YABU, will not take on anybody else's views and has literally just posted to see people telling her she is right!

(YABU by the way)

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp yes

[quote ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp]@whatnumber wrong again.

I wouldn't take an organ from a family member who had their own children. They have responsibility to their own children.

What if the family members got ill or died and their children were left without a parent? Because of my family?

And organ donation is complex, serious procedure. No catastrophising at all. It's not simple. [/quote]
If be proud of my husband if he did this, what sort of a man would not offer?

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

Organ donation is absolutely risky. Of course it is.

I don't think I would offer, no because of the risk to my own children's future if something happened to me.

& if your children needed an organ? If your siblings offered them one of theirs would you turn it down & tell them to think only of their own children? You’d let your child face death instead?

I'd be more annoyed if my DH had a family member in need of a transplant and didn't offer to match.

You're being very selfish and catastrophising. He doesn't know if he's a match, it's very unlikely he would be anyway, but if it was your child in that position would you not want them to get the transplant they needed?

What if it was your kid that need a kidney and the only possible match is a live organ donor which turn out be be the kid uncle for example.. Would you not ask the uncle if it was the only chance your kid had.

Having received a kidney transplant from a living donor I can understand your upset that he didn't discuss it with your first

BUT it may be worth you doing some reading on this as you do seem to be worried on perhaps outdated information

They don't even test for matches unless the donor was amazingly healthy. It's normally done by keyhole. The donor has check ups for life afterwards

And as for finding another donor elsewhere...I think she would be very lucky indeed!

Live transplanted organs have a MUCH better life span than those from deceased donors and family members are more likely matched. But even then it is rare to find a good one. My brother, cousins and father weren't a match to me but a random (and very good) friend was.

I think it's honourable he's offered.

My dad is a living kidney donor to his brother. His children were told by family not to get tested unless absolutely needed as they all have young families of their own. Yes, being a living donor doesn't mean the donor can't go on to live a perfectly normal life, but there are risks with any major operation. Also, if the donor themselves or their own children needed an organ in the future, that would obviously make things more difficult. My dad discussed it with my mum first, and then my siblings and I. He was fairly determined, but we were at last given the opportunity to discuss it and any worries with him.

I'm not saying that the OP's DH is wrong in putting himself forward. It's just that a discussion with the OP should have been had. Not to dissuade him, but so they can talk through the process and what it means and could potentially mean for their young family.

To reassure you, OP, my dad was in his 60s and nearly a decade on is fit and well! But do sit down to talk it through with your DH.

I wouldn’t be happy either if my DH promised this without discussing it with me first. It’s a huge decision which you should talk about with your spouse before anyone else.

If be proud of my husband if he did this, what sort of a man would not offer?

Me too. I would expect DH to offer, family will be better chance of a match.

OP, so how would this discussion look to you? I mean, he’s decided he will do it. So what do you say to him?

FWIW the death rates for living kidney donors are about 2.4 in 10000. It’s so few as to be negligible. So yes, you are catastrophising.

I wouldn't take an organ from a family member who had their own children. They have responsibility to their own children.

If my child needed an organ, obviously I'd be first in the queue to offer but if that wasn't a possible match, I would accept one from anyone. Total strangers and serial killers included!

Whilst I understand the desire to help, I actually agree with you OP. I cannot speak from experience, but when a family member needed a transplant, they were clear that they would not even consider offers of help from members of the family who had children of their own. Their rationale was that if a parent donated their kidney to them, it would not be available to the donor's DC in the future, should the need arise. Whilst I would happily donate to my own DC, or dgc, I would never accept a donation from them for the same reason. I understand that this is a niece and they are in a desperate situation, but I can totally see OPs POV. FWIW, the family member sailed through the procedure but their donor ( childless sibling) was not so lucky and is still struggling now, several years later.

Its his bodypart, not yours. If I wanted to offer a kidney to a relative whilst id probably discuss it with dp, I wouldnt be obliged to. You wouldnt get to override his decision.

I’d be more upset if he hadn’t offered

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

So you'd be happy for your dh to donate organs without discussing with you at all? Just telling you.

I’d expect him to make his own decision. I wouldn’t expect to have a say in it. 🤷‍♀️ His body, his sister’s child.

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

Organ donation is absolutely risky. Of course it is.

I don't think I would offer, no because of the risk to my own children's future if something happened to me.

I dont think i could live with myself if i knew i could help a niece/nephew but i just dont. I know its risky surgery and all, but if the alternative is death of a close relative, how can you live with that? Of course its your decision if you help or not, but just like that DH doesnt need your permission to decide for himself.

You want to control what your DH does with his own body.

Yabu I’m afraid.

And I say that as someone who probably wouldn’t do live donation as I myself dont keep well. And I’d think the risk to me would be too high.

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

I wouldn't ask my sister or brother to donate because of the risks and what if they were seriously injured or even died themselves as result?

But what if it was your child that needed an organ in the future, would you be quite so 'thoughtful', or recognise that they are adults who can make their own decisions? I expect you'd be keen to do what you can to save them, as most of us would. If I was happy to donate an organ to someone I would tell DH and discuss it but at the end of the day it's my body.

I have been a live organ donor and there are many tests to go through before acceptance.
It is good but hard to do, I would never have been able to say no.
It really is like watching someone fade away.
I am almost sure there would be help with the time he has to take off work. Your husbands heart is in the right place but maybe he should have told you first.

His body, his choice. She's his niece, not someone random.

To be honest, I wouldn't think to discuss it with my DH if my niece needed an organ from me. I would agree in a heartbeat and would assume he would support me 100%. Living organ donations are much more successful than waiting for a deceased donor which is likely the alternative.

I don't think it's reckless or odd, and I would offer to do this for my DN, unless there was a known reason why DS may need a kidney. I would not allow a DN to die just to preserve my extra kidney for the tiny chance that DS might one day need it.

I would weigh the risk of surgery, but in my case I believe it would be low.

Kidney donation has a 0.007% chance of death. So yes, while technically there is a risk it wouldn’t be one I’d be concerned about. Other risks such as infection, etc are there but liveable with. He’d have serious counselling before being allowed to donate if he matched and yes I’d expect him to make his own decision l