Dh offered to be an organ donor to a relative

[ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp]

Dh's niece may have needed a liver or a kidney donation. She's 19. She has lots of medical problems.

I've just discovered that dh offered his in a conversation with his sister - no match assessment made - it was just a case of offering whatever could be needed.

We have 3 younger dcs together. Dh didn't discuss this with me at all.

Am I a bitch for thinking he should have discussed it with me first and since he has his own dcs, he shouldn't risk such huge surgery because they need their dad?

@Cocogreen

Posted too soon. Also - I had a live donor. It took them 3 months to fully recover, six weeks off work. I recovered much more quickly. For the donor it's tougher.

Thank you!!

I have a friend who just had a kidney out because of a tumour so very similar operation that an organ donation. She was told 12 weeks to recover.

I’m not sure on which planet people are that think giving a kidney is an easy thing with no risk or side effects.

My brother would walk through fire for one of my girls. She's the daughter he never had. She looks and acts much more like him than her dad (although she adores her dad).

It would kill my brother if he was in this situation and "not allowed" to help. He would not be able to function. He would not be able to carry the weight of the refusal or the prospect of losing his favourite niece. If she died as a result I think I'd be at real risk of losing two relatives, and my little nephew would be deeply affected.

I think the uncle niece bond can be very strong and that's not being taken into account on this thread.

Sometimes there are no risk free solutions in family life.

I would absolutely offer to donate an organ to close family. Can you imagine if your nephew or niece died and you knew you could have stopped it?

Yes he really ought to have run it past you first, but it's his decision.

And would you really deny your own children a donor organ from your sister or brother, if it would save their life?????

@Cocogreen

Posted too soon. Also - I had a live donor. It took them 3 months to fully recover, six weeks off work. I recovered much more quickly. For the donor it's tougher.

It's individual. It took me about a month.

I had 1 week off work
I ran a hilly half marathon 11 weeks later

I'm an overweight middle aged woman who last ran a half marathon in 2018 and had done a couple of 10 Km's 3-4 months before surgery

There's a FB group called kidney donor athletes - it wouldn't exist if we were all crippled and in eternal recovery from our decisions to donate.

I’m not sure on which planet people are that think giving a kidney is an easy thing with no risk or side effects.
Where has anyone said that?

I think it's more about relative risks. As a pp said you're more likely to die in the car on the way to the hospital than in surgery.

My surgical recovery was excruciating for a bout 48 hours due to gut stasis and pressure on my nerves from the gas they fill you with do do the keyhole surgery.

I was back at work in a week (though wfh) and functioning entirely normally within about 3-4 weeks

No side effects.
So yes, it was pretty easy

@OneBeanClub I didn't say the donor was in "eternal recovery" or " crippled" , I said it took them 3 months to recover.
Great for you that you could run a marathon, it's not the case for other people.

[quote Cocogreen]@OneBeanClub I didn't say the donor was in "eternal recovery" or " crippled" , I said it took them 3 months to recover.
Great for you that you could run a marathon, it's not the case for other people.[/quote]
It was a half marathon. And I'm well aware that recovery is longer for others - believe it or not I did some research prior to giving away one of my organs

I have in no way claimed that my experience is universal, but there are plenty of us out there that miraculously didn't die, recovered well, and are living normal healthy lives.

My point is that your sweeping generalisation is inaccurate
.For the donor it's tougher.

Not always

And thus thread is full of exaggerated risks and doom mongering from people who have ZERO experience of actually donating their kidney

What respect would your children have for him if he let their cousin die when he might have been able to prevent it? What respect would they have for you when they learn that you influenced his decision? How would they feel about themselves to learn that some imagined risk to them resulted in their cousin losing the chance to live?

[quote ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp]@StopFeckingFaffing how are organ donors normally found?

Relatives aren't always a match. It's not a given.

[/quote]
You clearly have no ideas about the complexities of this

I'm one of several family members who've offered to donate to one of my relatives. They're working through the list in age order to check compatibility on the basis that, should the recipient require another transplant in the future, the older donors are more likely to have developed prohibitive health issues by then. Best to take from the older people first & hope the younger ones are still around & healthy if another kidney is required at some point!

I've never given my DH a say in it. It's my relative & I'd not be able to live with myself if I let them die because there was a small risk to me. Also, we've known there was a possibility of a need for a transplant since before DH & I met & long before the DC came along so my mind was already made up & he's always known that.

@OneBeanClub actually the majority of the thread isn’t doom mongering but people demonising the OP for being cruel and cold hearted.

Which makes no sense. Only on MN do people make big decisions with considering (not following, but considering) their partners opinion.

[quote sanbeiji]@OneBeanClub actually the majority of the thread isn’t doom mongering but people demonising the OP for being cruel and cold hearted.

Which makes no sense. Only on MN do people make big decisions with considering (not following, but considering) their partners opinion.[/quote]
We don't know the DH didn't consider his wife's opinion. He may well have. But if he did then he clearly thought her opinion didn't override his desire to help his niece or his right to bodily autonomy.

I'm sure the OP and her DH will discuss this going forward, but if she wants those discussions to be productive she needs to educate herself on the risks and realities of donation, rather than assumption and fear.

@MrsPsmalls

What respect would your children have for him if he let their cousin die when he might have been able to prevent it? What respect would they have for you when they learn that you influenced his decision? How would they feel about themselves to learn that some imagined risk to them resulted in their cousin losing the chance to live?

Jesus, that’s a stretch.

I would hope they’d be raised to respect other people’s bodily autonomy, and not consider their father a dickhead if he chose not to donate. Personally, it would never occur to me to judge someone for wanting to keep hold of their own organs.

@MrsPsmalls

What respect would your children have for him if he let their cousin die when he might have been able to prevent it? What respect would they have for you when they learn that you influenced his decision? How would they feel about themselves to learn that some imagined risk to them resulted in their cousin losing the chance to live?

They’re not going to have any feelings about it at all, unless the family are emotional blackmailers like you.