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Original poster

Dh offered to be an organ donor to a relative

389 replies

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 13/02/2022 16:48

Dh's niece may have needed a liver or a kidney donation. She's 19. She has lots of medical problems.

I've just discovered that dh offered his in a conversation with his sister - no match assessment made - it was just a case of offering whatever could be needed.

We have 3 younger dcs together. Dh didn't discuss this with me at all.

Am I a bitch for thinking he should have discussed it with me first and since he has his own dcs, he shouldn't risk such huge surgery because they need their dad?

OP posts:
Alondra · 14/02/2022 11:42

@DropYourSword

This has nothing to do with the OP original post though - 1st, she is not the parent

Which was the entire point of my post. I asked her to imagine if she was the parent. Nothing more. You took it off on a bit of a strange tangent!

I haven't taking it off on a tangent. Most of you have been emotionally bullying the OP for asking something serious - she only asked that her husband should discuss with her a major health issue like organ donation with the potential to impact him, her, their children and family as a whole.
Porcupineintherough · 14/02/2022 11:48

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

I wouldn't ask my sister or brother to donate because of the risks and what if they were seriously injured or even died themselves as result?
You would if it was your child's life in the line.
DropYourSword · 14/02/2022 11:48

You did though! You replied taking about paediatric vs adult donations which was completely irrelevant to what I posted!!

Alondra · 14/02/2022 11:50

@DropYourSword

You did though! You replied taking about paediatric vs adult donations which was completely irrelevant to what I posted!!
It wasn't. What you think as a parent, and your emotions, has nothing to do with organ priority donation.
Porcupineintherough · 14/02/2022 11:52

That's not quite true @Alondra there are two parts to the OP. One about his talking to his wife before making the offer, the second is that she fundamentally thinks he shouldnt do this. It's about more than being consulted.

OP I'd be worried to but it's his decision . And not one he'll actually be able to make until he knows if he's a match and lots of other health checks have been gone through. At the moment it's a hypothetical offer.

Hadjab · 14/02/2022 11:52

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

I would find another donor.

It's not a matter of preferring someone else died.

It's about understanding that other parents have responsibilities to their own children's well-being.

Yep, it's that easy.

''Alexa, add a new kidney to my Amazon shopping.basket!''

sanbeiji · 14/02/2022 11:58

@Alondra I agree that the OP has been bullied.
She’s worried about valid risks. Obviously the better way to alleviate them would be to point out whether her fears have any foundation.
And the fact that BIL mentioned it to her means it’s serious, not just a throwaway comment!

But no, page after page after page of ‘you’re a heartless monster, letting a child die. What if it was your kid’

PurpleDaisies a poster whom IIRC has actually had a child in this situation is the most rational. She herself said she wouldn’t want anybody donating without knowing the risks.

The donor will still need care etc so this obviously impacts the OP. Even if she protests and he decides to do it. She will face consequences unless he pays for all the childcare , the lost income while recovering etc etc.

Don’t know why plenty are getting angry and not seeing this.

Pinkglittery · 14/02/2022 12:00

Personally, I'd be checking to see if I was a match too. YABU.

thenewduchessoflapland · 14/02/2022 12:05

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

Nobody said she was dying.
But if she needs a double organ donation then her life is at risk as not getting them would result in her dying.

The chances of dying during a live donation is low.If he donated a portion of his liver the missing portion would regenerate itself and people led full lives with just one kidney;if he went into kidney failure in later life both would be affected not just one.

It's his body and his choice.Tbh you sound callous and selfish.

Alondra · 14/02/2022 12:07

@Porcupineintherough

That's not quite true *@Alondra* there are two parts to the OP. One about his talking to his wife before making the offer, the second is that she fundamentally thinks he shouldnt do this. It's about more than being consulted.

OP I'd be worried to but it's his decision . And not one he'll actually be able to make until he knows if he's a match and lots of other health checks have been gone through. At the moment it's a hypothetical offer.

I didn't see the posts where she thought he shouldn't do it but that's her choice and I agree with her.

I've said in previous posts why kidney or liver failure is not a death sentence. Before a live organ is given there are many medical issues to take into account most of which I've mentioned in previous posts and I don't want to repeat again.

I'm just shocked at the level of naivety with this issue. Most of you think giving one of your organs is not a problem, he's lovely for making the offer and doesn't need his wife "permission" - to hell with her and her concerns. Lets hope none of you will face being in this situation.

I've said everything I know by experience in previous posts and can't deal with more OP bullying by repeating myself. I'm done.

whumpthereitis · 14/02/2022 12:35

It’s not really a case of ‘his body his choice’ when it’s followed up with ‘I’d expect him to donate’ Hmm

This is why prospective donors are given an out by doctors, because of intense pressure and emotional blackmail they may have been subjected to. No one is entitled to anyone else’s organs, no one is a ‘dickhead’ because they don’t want to donate.

I’m with the OP in that it’s not at all unreasonable to expect a conversation with your partner before he volunteers to do such a thing. He is of course free to do what he wants, but equally OP is free to take issue with it.

lonelySam · 14/02/2022 13:11

See, I don't agree with that. Of course I would expect to be told about the vasectomy but I would not expect a discussion with my DH about that.

Goooglebox · 14/02/2022 15:28

You're not allowed to donate anything you can't live without or go through surgery with very high risks. I think you're inflating the scope of what he's offering to do. He's not offered to get crucified. That said as a rule these decisions should be discussed before the offer is made by I can understand him thinking there was no way you'd oppose him saving his niece's life in this way.

Goooglebox · 14/02/2022 15:28

but not by

Goooglebox · 14/02/2022 15:29

If I was in a similar position to the partner I would like to think I'd talk it through and they'd be supportive of whatever I felt I needed to do.

Liverprobs · 14/02/2022 16:56

Alondra
I've said in previous posts why kidney or liver failure is not a death sentence.

Please explain how liver failure is not a death sentence …. If you do not get a transplant, you eventually, sometimes quite quickly, die …

WouldYouHaveAproblem · 14/02/2022 18:55

This is such an interesting debate. Body autonomy applies to more than just vaccination.

OP what would you have said if he had discussed it with you, you'd disagreed and he'd said "I've calculated the risks, my body, my choice"?

CovidCorvid · 14/02/2022 18:57

I didn’t discuss getting sterilised with dh. I told him. He said he’d prefer I didn’t. I did anyway. 🤷🏻‍♀️

TheApexOfMyLife · 14/02/2022 19:01

@CovidCorvid

I didn’t discuss getting sterilised with dh. I told him. He said he’d prefer I didn’t. I did anyway. 🤷🏻‍♀️
But getting sterilised doesn’t quite have the same level of risks than donating a kidney..

And whilst it was totally your right to get sterilised if you wanted, I’m just as surprised (?) that you didn’t see the point of talking about it to your DH tbh.

Plumface · 14/02/2022 19:24

I hope he finds out soon whether it's a kidney or a liver OP.

CovidCorvid · 14/02/2022 20:42

No I agree getting sterilised is different to organ donation but it’s still my bodily autonomy and something dh doesn’t get a say in.

It is a bit odd isn’t it that they don’t know for the OP’s niece if it’s a kidney or liver she needs? So still sounds like very early stages of discussion?

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 14/02/2022 20:53

@MiddleParking

No idea if it’s reasonable or not but I’d feel exactly as you do.
Same here. In all honesty I don't think I'd be supportive of this.
Cocogreen · 15/02/2022 02:48

I've had a kidney transplant.
He should have discussed it with you first in my opinion.

Out of interest, why are the young woman's parents not donating the organ?
Often a parent is a good match/donor.

Cocogreen · 15/02/2022 02:54

Posted too soon.
Also - I had a live donor.
It took them 3 months to fully recover, six weeks off work.
I recovered much more quickly. For the donor it's tougher.

Chichimcgee · 15/02/2022 03:01

I think you need to calm down.
He offered to donate which is a wonderful, amazing thing to do.
Should it come to that I’m sure he’d talk to you about it. The risks are thoroughly assessed and I’d take any donor if my child needed it, regardless of who they were or if they had kids. If your child ever needed a donor I’d hope you would accept any offer from family.

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