Dh offered to be an organ donor to a relative

[ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp]

Dh's niece may have needed a liver or a kidney donation. She's 19. She has lots of medical problems.

I've just discovered that dh offered his in a conversation with his sister - no match assessment made - it was just a case of offering whatever could be needed.

We have 3 younger dcs together. Dh didn't discuss this with me at all.

Am I a bitch for thinking he should have discussed it with me first and since he has his own dcs, he shouldn't risk such huge surgery because they need their dad?

I don't think it's odd, OP, that you wanted to be in the conversation.

But I do think what you really wanted was to tell him no.

You keep saying that you wouldn't accept a donation from your family as it could hurt them. But from whom would you accept a donation? What family-less organ donor do you think is there? And why do you think that, say, not having a spouse or children makes their potential sacrifice more palatable?

I don't think you're wrong to be concerned. But I do think you should examine your actual motivation and belief system.

YABVU - you don't want to discuss it, you want to stop him doing it.

Of course we'd all test if we could be donors for a member of our family that needed a liver donation. Because we actually love our families; it doesn't stop once you have children of our own.

If he had an underlying health issue that made you fearful of his survival I could understand your worry, but there's nothing to indicate that from your posts.

You are being selfish and uncaring.

I would be very proud of my DH if he offered to do this for one of his nieces or nephews. Doctors wouldn't allow living donors if it wasn't reasonably safe for the donors!

I would offer a kidney to my nieces or nephews in a heartbeat and I hope my siblings would do the same.

its a bodily autonomy issue..... OP do you agree with bodily autonomy or not?

Yep he should have discussed it with you, and should understand your concerns.

Of course, at the end, it's his decision but you should get a hearing.

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

Gosh *@FAQs*. Do you never discuss important decisions with your oh? Like never?

Maybe wait to find out if he's actually a match before you get quite so stressed? At the moment it might not actually be happening. If he's not a match are you still going to be angry at him for even daring to think about it?

I would offer for any of my nieces or nephews without a second thought. It's not my husbands business.

I agree with you. He has his own children to think about.

As a matter of interest OP, if your dh was killed in such a way that made him eligible for to be an organ donor, would you override his wishes Then as well?

Your attitude is so vile.

If she's in a situation where a transplant is even being discussed, she's very unwell. She might not die next week or next month, but her body is failing. I couldn't live with myself if I was a match and didn't donate, or if I stopped my partner from donating because they'd need recovery time and I might have to parent my own children for a bit. Would you stop your partner from (say) going skiing purely because he might hurt himself? Do you stop him from taking unnecessary car journeys in case he crashes?

I suspect you'd change your tune if it was one of your own kids needing a transplant.

@bedheadedzombie

But is tge surgery really such a big risk though? They won't do it if he isn't healthy enough.

Yes, one in 200 live liver donors die. I know this because my husband donated to our son when he was a baby.

@AlternativePerspective

As a matter of interest OP, if your dh was killed in such a way that made him eligible for to be an organ donor, would you override his wishes Then as well?

Very good point. Have you discussed whether or not you'll be organ donors after death? Or are you paying for them to be stored for 100 years in case your child needs them?

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

I would find another donor.

It's not a matter of preferring someone else died.

It's about understanding that other parents have responsibilities to their own children's well-being.

Where exactly would you find another donor? As others have said she's his family and he wouldn't be considered if it would affect his health.

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

I wouldn't ask my sister or brother to donate because of the risks and what if they were seriously injured or even died themselves as result?

I thought he offered?

I was in the position of needing a kidney and my brother offered without hesitation. His partner was vehemently against it for similar reasons to you. My life depended on it at the time apparently, so yes, her opinion really hurt! He wasn't a match, incidentally.

OP, another question. If your child needed a donor, would you stop your husband donating because you have other children?

My point is what happens if something awful happens to him in surgery? His children lose their father?

What happens if nobody will donate an organ? His niece will die.

I would offer this for my nephew in a heartbeat and I wouldn’t be asking my husband for permission.

He lives fine with only one kidney, the risks are relatively minor. You should be proud of him.

Just curious, OP.

If he had discussed it with you beforehand, what would you have said in reply?

Be honest, now.

@CheesePlantMurderer

I was in the position of needing a kidney and my brother offered without hesitation. His partner was vehemently against it for similar reasons to you. My life depended on it at the time apparently, so yes, her opinion really hurt! He wasn't a match, incidentally.

I can see how hurtful that would have been. Has it changed your relationship with his partner forever?

** Your attitude is so vile.

If she's in a situation where a transplant is even being discussed, she's very unwell. She might not die next week or next month, but her body is failing. I couldn't live with myself if I was a match and didn't donate, or if I stopped my partner from donating because they'd need recovery time and I might have to parent my own children for a bit. Would you stop your partner from (say) going skiing purely because he might hurt himself? Do you stop him from taking unnecessary car journeys in case he crashes?

I suspect you'd change your tune if it was one of your own kids needing a transplant.**

^All of this

Yes you are a bitch for not understanding that of course he would want to do that. And why ask the question if you are going to shout down everyone who disagrees with you. Your husband sounds like a loving uncle doing what anyone should want to do for a close family member.

@spongbob

Genuinely perplexed

He's not going to kill himself to give a liver, it's only if something were to happen

Why would you ever oppose that

Technically he would, as you only have 1 liver.

He could only give part of his liver.

But is tge surgery really such a big risk though? They won't do it if he isn't healthy enough.

Yes, one in 200 live liver donors die. I know this because my husband donated to our son when he was a baby.

So 199 in 200 don’t die. At a risk of death of less that 1%, that isn’t considered risky.

What family-less organ donor do you think is there? And why do you think that, say, not having a spouse or children makes their potential sacrifice more palatable?

Yeah, this.

You don't want to discuss it, you want to veto it. That's what it sounds like.

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp it’s easy to say you wouldn’t ask your family if it were your child while it isn’t your child.
I feel exactly how @girlmom21 does. If I had the opportunity to help my nephews I would, no question. And I would expect my sister to do the same for me.