Dh offered to be an organ donor to a relative

[ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp]

Dh's niece may have needed a liver or a kidney donation. She's 19. She has lots of medical problems.

I've just discovered that dh offered his in a conversation with his sister - no match assessment made - it was just a case of offering whatever could be needed.

We have 3 younger dcs together. Dh didn't discuss this with me at all.

Am I a bitch for thinking he should have discussed it with me first and since he has his own dcs, he shouldn't risk such huge surgery because they need their dad?

Nobody said she was dying.

I would be worried about my husband doing something like this but I would 100% stand by his choice to decide to do it.

That’s certainly a consideration OP but presumably it’ll be a discussion and he’s not just going to skippily serve up a kidney unless there’s no other option available to your niece?

You would find another donor? Because that's super easy...

She's his family. It's his organs and his decision. But then I'd do the same as him, so I think YABU.

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

My point is *@WheelieBinPrincess*, what happens if something awful happens to him in surgery? His children lose their father?

He hasn't even been tested to see if he's a match yet.

You're talking like it's really easy to find organ donors. Why would anyone else donate to your child if you think nobody should risk organ donation because of their loved ones?

@StopFeckingFaffing how are organ donors normally found?

Relatives aren't always a match. It's not a given.

You are completely right.

Chances are he won’t be a match and if he is the odds are he wouldn’t actually go through with donation. More likely he just wants to look generous. But it’s cruel to his niece to make promises he most likely won’t keep. He has responsibilities himself and risking his life when he has young children seems reckless. They could need an organ from him. He could develop kidney disease in his remaining kidney and end up needing them to donate to him. This is something that should be given considered thought and I wonder if he gave it any thought it just spoke without engaging brain.

I'm with you. I would have expected a discussion before offering as it could impact his own children massively.
I'm not saying I would be against it but he's my husband, he's my team mate, important things are always a team decision.

If you would take an organ from any member of your family for your dc then you need to be offering one too.
His niece is his family too.

Wow that’s a huge decision to make without even discussing it with your partner, who will have to pick up the slack while you recover post surgery, not to mention how it will affect the partner and children if his remaining kidney packs in at some point.

I'd offer if it was me.
Your assuming it would be easy to find another donor.

How often do you here of a donor dying? I think you are catastrophising.

And tbh you sound heartless. If I was your dh it would make me re evaluate my relationship.

@whatnumber

If you would take an organ from any member of your family for your dc then you need to be offering one too. His niece is his family too.

Why do you have to? Did I miss the organ donation rule book?

@whatnumber sorry? I'm taking an organ from a member of my family? Or I am wanting an organ from a member of my family?

You said may have needed, past tense.
So this is no longer something she will need?

I would let it go.

Oh ignore my post I see in your updates you wouldn't take an organ from a family member for you dc.
I wonder what your dc would think of that!

@Theworldisfullofgs so you wouldn't even discuss it with your dp before offering? Because that would make you heartless? Really?

I'd be proud.
Your attitude is not nice at all.

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

My point is *@WheelieBinPrincess*, what happens if something awful happens to him in surgery? His children lose their father?

He can get run over by a bus tomorrow and die on the scene. He can have a stroke or a heart attack or whatever, a million other diseases that kill people all the time. Your children can lose their father everyday, my child can lose me everyday, this is the same for everyone... It's his body and his choice and the risk that he is willing to take. A distant friend of mine needed a transplant and I quickly considered offering to donate but decided against it because I was not close enough to them to risk my health for them. But I would do it for my nieces / sister, BIL etc.

Let’s be honest, you don’t want him to have discussed it with you, you want to be able to tel him he can’t do it.

Being a living donor carries risks, of course it does. But equally not having an organ carries the definite result of death.

Organ donation is a very personal thing, and tbh it’s not for anyone to talk anyone else out of doing.

if he is a match, he will be given very specific counselling wrt the risks etc which are based around fact and not personal objections.

Many people wouldn’t do what he has offered, while others have altruistically donated to complete strangers.

But if this is what he feels he wants to offer for his brother’s child, then that is his decision and his decision alone to make.

He doesn’t owe you a discussion, he just owes you the announcement of telling you that’s what he wants to do.

FWIW 6000 people a year die on the transplant list. Not all of those can be saved by living donors, but some can, and a living donor also means that a non living donor organ will be available to someone who doesn’t have a person willing to donate to them.

@whatnumber wrong again.

I wouldn't take an organ from a family member who had their own children. They have responsibility to their own children.

What if the family members got ill or died and their children were left without a parent? Because of my family?

And organ donation is complex, serious procedure. No catastrophising at all. It's not simple.

He is offering to match if needed, it’s a long process which includes counselling and health and family views, it might never happen you are overreacting.

I'd tell my dh that this was what I was planning to do with my body as an autonomous human being. Given that he isn't heartless, I'd expect him to support me.

So you'd be happy for your dh to donate organs without discussing with you at all? Just telling you.

Blimey, if any of my nieces or my nephew needed a kidney or liver lobe I'd do it immediately - and DH wouldn't expect anything else! They're my family - I couldn't let them die knowing I might be able to save them.

@FAQs over reacting because I want to discuss it even though it might never happen although it's been put out there?

Not sure how discussion is over reacting.