Things my husband said to me today

[Sleeplessem]

‘Go lose some weight’ I’m 3kg up on pre baby weight at 10 weeks PP. went on a specific weight gain diet in order to avoid iugr this time. Worked too well apparently
‘You’ve got disgusting saggy tits’ I’m breastfeeding and I’ve always hated my boobs
‘You’ve peaked at a mid 30k job, you’ll never get aboie that, you’re not capable’
And some derogatory comment about my education

Oh to be young and in love

@Gonnagetgoing and yet if you were to read the whole thread then you would know why she does.

OP don’t let people make you feel worse. Some people just don’t know what it feels like having no family or friends support. As long as you’re not in immediate danger you need a plan as you’re already doing. It’s not always as simple as just leaving when you’re going to have to co parent with someone like this whose family put your child in danger. Having said that if the verbal abuse is within earshot of your kids it does become a child protection issue and where concerns might be raised if someone finds out your kids are being exposed to this so please bear that in mind also but then that could be the time you leave. Wishing you all the luck OP just don’t give up.

Good luck, OP.
I completely get it - you are afraid that if you divorce, he will get to see the children and his family will hit them and mistreat them - massive cultural differences - his family will gang up on you and they will get expensive lawyers to use against you and try and take your children away. Also the "anti-British" feeling you mentioned will be directed against you and his family will attempt to alienate your children from YOU and integrate them into their own culture and ideology.

Personally, I would take the children and vanish, but that requires planning, money and a lot of friends and acquaintances that have no connection to his family, which you don't seem to have. I see you have at least one son, He will want control of his son. (daughters - not so much)

Your plan sounds good. Please try to make friends - as many as you can - away from your "husband". I wish you the best and I remember your last thread. If he so much as lays a finger on you, contact the police. save every penny that you can for your fund .

OP I think you are doing the right thing getting your ducks in a row and I can understand this might take a few years. I hope you can get out before 10 years though, that's so long? Can you do some online courses to skill up abit and get a better paying job?

@TooTiredToSleepRightNow

I’m sorry OP. My first thought was LTB but having read about him being from a certain ‘culture’ I know exactly the type of man you’re talking about as I’m very familiar. The type that will do anything to make the life of the woman (who dared to leave him) a complete living hell. They have no concern about their kids as long as they’re punishing the mother it’s all good. Also this way you over see everything so you have control over their welfare but co parenting with these types of POS is even worse as they play all sorts of games, play fun time dad to the extreme despite being awol during the relationship. Trust me I know.

What I suggest is make sure you keep hold of the passports so he doesn’t do a runner to the homeland (I know of a few that have done this)
Also start logging evidence of all the verbal abuse and then take him to court. Do you have savings? Make sure you find yourself a really good lawyer that will make sure he’s not allowed near you to the kids. If there are extremist anti western views make notes of them, any evidence even better. These men really need to know they’re in the wrong country for this sort of S*

Best post on this thread.

@AnnaK163

Good luck, OP. I completely get it - you are afraid that if you divorce, he will get to see the children and his family will hit them and mistreat them - massive cultural differences - his family will gang up on you and they will get expensive lawyers to use against you and try and take your children away. Also the "anti-British" feeling you mentioned will be directed against you and his family will attempt to alienate your children from YOU and integrate them into their own culture and ideology.

Personally, I would take the children and vanish, but that requires planning, money and a lot of friends and acquaintances that have no connection to his family, which you don't seem to have. I see you have at least one son, He will want control of his son. (daughters - not so much)

Your plan sounds good. Please try to make friends - as many as you can - away from your "husband". I wish you the best and I remember your last thread. If he so much as lays a finger on you, contact the police. save every penny that you can for your fund .

Exactly Anna. They are the nasty, entitled types who simply hate women ‘getting their own way’. They won’t reflect on their own behaviour as they’ve never needed to, always holding the privilege so why should a woman threaten their power now.

They will even want control over the daughters to spite the mother. As they view them as their property so will want to prove a point rather than see any value in them. Once they ‘win’ they’ll just toss them aside. And yes collectively they’ll have more manpower and finances to really do the dirty on the woman as that’s what they’re good at. Make her homeless, they’ll do whatever it takes. Especially if once married, the woman’s family leave her to it leaving it easy for her to be ganged up on and intimidated. Money and people support is the key and that’s why I understand OP needs to wait if she wants a good chance against these people.

Well he's a right cunt then, isn't he.

Do you really want him around that badly? I know new baby and that, but in all honestly I'd look to get shot of him - he sounds appalling.

Please leave , you really deserve so so much better. Over time your self esteem takes such a hammering that it becomes even harder to leave.
I put up with an exh like this for years. 2 yrs on and I feel so much happier. I wish I'd left years earlier.

Gosh,, I'm a tit. Usually I do read at least the OP's comments, but I got a bit carried away and didn't this time, sorry @Sleeplessem!

I see your position is intensely difficult - do you not have any relationship with your mother either, because that's what it sounds like (abusive home was her, was it?).
It does look at least like you're in the UK which is something - better than being in a different country and going through this!

I think there are other organisations you can contact than just Women's Aid, and maybe other refuges than those run by them.

But I can see that you will have to wait at least until you are back to work - is your baby going into childcare with the older child? Better than going to the MIL, by the sound of it! and then while at work you might be able to search for other options.

It's good that you have a plan, and that you will see solicitors - I know it's not a given but the courts don't usually discriminate against you because you had PND or anxiety, despite abusive bastard Hs often telling you that you'll lose the kids because of your mental health. They lie.

I hope that you can hold out and find a way out - if you haven't already looked up "grey rock", I suggest you do - it's a way to manage your own feelings when your H is being a cunt to you. You imagine that you are a grey rock and that you absorb nothing, nothing can hurt you, nothing can damage you and you reflect nothing back either. He can rage and storm at you but it will have no effect on you. It will just slide off you, leaving you undisturbed. It takes practice but it can be very effective, and has the added bonus of baffling them when they realise that their efforts to subjugate you aren't working!

Best of luck - vent away.

What struck me as I was reading, it sounds as if you are trying to leave a cult. Like you are inside a situation you know is wrong but literally everybody around you is behaving/saying differently. Only you can see it.
I would be worried about my dc being mis treated too.
I have no practical advice @Sleeplessem . Any chance you can get a job that has a creche or nursery?

Contact women’s aid and build connections there. Contact RISE and do the same. Contact Rights for Women. You’re not getting the right advice. Your husbands family have NO LEGAL RIGHTS to your children. Your husband will not get 100% childcare. Leaving when your kids are small is absolutely the right thing to do. If you wait until they are older then your husbands disgusting mouth will impact them. They are going to hear this stuff and him living with them 100% is going to impact them. Your kids are growing up in an abusive home. Let me tell you from experience what’s going to happen next.
Your kiids will get older and his ways/opinions will start influencing them and he will start undermining you in front of them and turning them into his voice pieces against you. You are going to be battling him all day every day. When they can hold a conversation it’s going to be “mummy’s such a fat slag isn’t she boys” in front of you. All the time. That’s what you are heading to. He’s already started. Boys want to idolise their fathers. You are going to lose them to his ways and verbal nastiness and they will start to parrot him because that’s what boys do. I am warning you now because you can stop this but only if you leave now before they are old enough to be his sponges. You need a better plan. How do you know he will want 50/50?

For contrast: Things my husband has said to me today:

What can I do to help? (I was prepping food for guests)
Shall I give DD a shower (I was still prepping food...)
Shall I do that for you, so you don't get it in your cut? (cut my finger prepping food).

The worst thing he's done is start some origami with DD when he was in the middle of breaking down delivery boxes for recycling.

This is so you know - my relationship is not abnormal, there are men out there who will treat you with care and respect. It doesn't have to be this way.

I know it's hard, or maybe impossible, to pack your bags and go, or to force him to leave - but do know that there is hope, and there is a better life, please use today as a point to start to figure out how to get to it.

And also please know, my life wasn't always like this, I had long term relationships with some real shitbags in the run up to meeting DH.

OMG OP I'm sending you a massive virtual hug, a stiff drink, a bunch of flowers and all my empathy that I can convey because this is SHIT and is downright ugly, disgusting, unacceptable and highly aggressive abuse. I also found it took me right back to the horrid things my ex abuser said to me, he was much more passive aggressive and covert about his abuse, but he had me believing I was too thin, boobs too small and bum not curvy enough, skin not good enough, arms saggy, hair not bouncy and shiny enough... you get the picture. BASTARDS who do this to women. I can only advise you to ditch his ugly sorry ass because the other thing about men who do this is that it very often progresses to physical abuse. The verbal and emotional battering is BAD ENOUGH, don't get me wrong and my ex did a number on my self-esteem and it has taken me years to put it right, I still have down days where his voice is in my head, but for me, there would be NO repairing a relationship EVER with a miserable turd who did this to me. I will never allow it again.

Someone earlier said he is not violent. Those words ARE a form of violence and scar a person mentally. Sometimes worse than someone hitting you, because sometimes being hit is a last straw, but words are excused and forgiven as being said in the heat of the moment, or they make up some other crappy excuse, or even gaslight you into submission that it never happened. This is considered a form of violence now. OP I wasted not quite a decade on a man who was not worth my oxygen. Please contact Women's Aid for support.

what a thoroughly hateful horrible man, why are you even with him !

@Sleeplessem You mention 'anti-British' sentiments. Do they rise to the level of 'hate speech' or otherwise reporting to the authorities? There's a big push where I live with "If you see something, say something", especially regarding domestic terrorism.

I posted up thread but wanted to add an afterthought. Please be sure that you are using 'self-administered' contraception. I mean the Pill, IUD, coil, anything as long as it is something YOU control. Don't rely on him using condoms. If he insists that condoms are the 'only' contraception, get your own on the sly.

Good luck, Op.

Find really good childcare for your DC, keep them busy and out the house at weekends.

Keep planning, keep evidencing.

At least once they are properly verbal that helps if MIL of H ever hits them.

Good luck

Op you should get passports for your kids and keep hold of them so he can't.

@Sleeplessem

Best part is, I can’t leave for at least a decade. This is my life and will be til I’m 40.

Long story less long but serious concerns of his family being around my children (have posted about it before not sure how to link threads or I would) and if we divorce I can’t prevent his parents, specifically his mother from watching the children, although they are all bad, I know he’d leave his mother to watch them for extended periods and she basically neglected our eldest when she used to watch her when we wfh, ive also been told that she used to hit other kids in her care (cousins). A solicitor told me as our custody would likely be 50/50 I can’t prevent who our kids see in his time. And trust me the risk is too great.

It’s Better for me to be unhappy than them being neglected or worse

If you know you're going to stick it out, at least for the foreseeable future, do something to make it better. To me this absolutely doesn't sound like your marriage isn't salvageable. It seems you've both fallen into a rut of toxic behaviours, but trust me there is a way out. And the potential is there to make the marriage bloom, such that you will relish spending time together.

[quote Sleeplessem]He’s gotten worse and worse as time goes on, lashes out so easily 0-100 in the blink of an eye. Acid tongue.

I did point out to him that only one of us has a bmi in the ‘normal range’, has just given birth and is breastfeeding and it ain’t him that’s when the saggy tits comments came up

To me this absolutely doesn't sound like your marriage isn't salvageable. It seems you've both fallen into a rut of toxic behaviours, but trust me there is a way out.

Seriously? We must not be reading the same thread.

sorry I wrote that before i had seen your reply wrote straight after but internet went off ,just got laptop back from granddaughter, your best bet is to try to squirrel away as much money as you can until you have enough to leave

[quote cherrysthename]@Gonnagetgoing and yet if you were to read the whole thread then you would know why she does. [/quote]
😞