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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Things my husband said to me today

204 replies

Sleeplessem · 12/02/2022 20:17

‘Go lose some weight’ I’m 3kg up on pre baby weight at 10 weeks PP. went on a specific weight gain diet in order to avoid iugr this time. Worked too well apparently
‘You’ve got disgusting saggy tits’ I’m breastfeeding and I’ve always hated my boobs
‘You’ve peaked at a mid 30k job, you’ll never get aboie that, you’re not capable’
And some derogatory comment about my education

Oh to be young and in love

OP posts:
Avarua · 12/02/2022 21:24

Disappear.

Hankunamatata · 12/02/2022 21:25

op apply for a new job very far away

arethereanyleftatall · 12/02/2022 21:25

Never sleep with him again though op so that protection can't fail again. Your plan is good, but it will take longer then. Although I'm quite sure you already worked that out, so this is just a supportive 'don't do it'!

FindmeuptheFarawaytree · 12/02/2022 21:26

Things you should say to him; "Goodbye".

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 12/02/2022 21:27

I love your plan of action for yourself.

You can do it op.

I get - unlike many on here (understandably) - that you can’t leave until the kids are older, so making a solid plan is the way to go.

If you know you aren’t there forever hopefully you can emotionally check out of the marriage and his words won’t carry so much hurt.

Get yourself that promotion. Get some friends. Don’t be afraid to be who you are inside. I’m rooting for you for the long game.

ThreeLocusts · 12/02/2022 21:30

I hear you. I'm reaching a point where I am staying with my husband because for a great many reasons I think it is not, under current circumstances, safe to separate from him or for him to be alone with the kids for more than a day or so.

Like you I think it's the lesser evil. Still it's hard. But your plan sounds doable, if far from easy. All the best!

Hangthetowels · 12/02/2022 21:32

I'm sorry that this is your life. Hopefully you eventually move on from this pathetic loser and find happiness

Darbs76 · 12/02/2022 21:32

Don’t stay in a relationship where your supposed partner who is meant to love you more than anyone treats you like this. You’re worth more than that

WonderfulYou · 12/02/2022 21:33

I’d not realised actually until MN, I’d gone from an abusive childhood home to an awfully abusive first relationship to then meeting DH and it being ‘ fine’ then sliding into abusive

If you genuinely think that he/his family are a danger to the children then you need to move far away.
Your posts make it sound like you don’t have much family so moving away will be less of an issue.

I don’t believe in taking children away from their families but living far away may mean he’ll come and visit them instead of them being at his.

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 12/02/2022 21:34

And i bet he looks like a toned adonis with an iq of einstein!!? 🙃

Geranium1984 · 12/02/2022 21:35

I'm really sorry about how he speaking to you and am astounded when you've got a 10 week old baby 😔
The last thing any of you should be worried about is what your body looks like when you've just had a baby.
Stay strong and enjoy your kids xxx

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 12/02/2022 21:35

Thanks for all the support from those who get it’s not as simple ‘boy bye’ especially when children are involved.

I wish I could give you a snap shot to the family, consanguinity, domestic violence, forced marriage, strict gender expectations, god I could go on. At the moment they’re shielded from it because of me, take me away and I know his mother would be straight in there and she’d try to poison them against me

OP posts:
MNHQ
FlissMumsnet · 12/02/2022 21:36

Hi Sleeplessem,

We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our [[https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence Domestic
Violence]] page.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ Flowers

formalineadeline · 12/02/2022 21:36

Was this the solicitor you sought advice from without actually telling them the critical fact that you were experiencing domestic violence so they could give you correct advice? And now you're holding that up again and again as the reason you "can't" leave?

Or do I have you mixed up? Because I remember your circumstances and how adamant you are about how you "can't" leave. Except you can.

I'm not judging, I'm just sad that you're still in this shit situation, determined to stay and with him trashing your confidence - how are you going to rebuild that confidence with him knocking you down all the time? Genuinely, that seems like trying to fix dehydration by wandering off into a desert without water.

Your childhood damaged you. Why are you choosing to repeat that pattern with your children? A decade? So the entirety of their key developmental period that sets them up for life?

I don't understand why if you recognise the harm and you recognise the pattern you would be so defensive and determined to continue.

Saying you have to lose 5kg and build your confidence before you can leave him are excuses. And illogical ones at that.

You don't have to stay. You're choosing to. You have the power to make a different choice - your childhood might have taught you that you don't, but that was wrong. You can choose to leave.

marthasGinyard · 12/02/2022 21:38

'it’s not as simple ‘boy bye’ especially when children are involved.'

Should be really when you are clearly living with a disgusting masogonist.

Get out whilst they are still young.

When he speaks listen and believe what he tells you.

The truth in his eyes.

AutomaticMoon · 12/02/2022 21:38

I’m sorry, I know it’s easier said than done, to leave a toxic situation. There are tiny secret cameras or just sound recording devices, if you need to record the abuse, btw. For the courts, etc.

formalineadeline · 12/02/2022 21:39

Nobody thinks it's as simple as 'boy bye'.

Maybe that makes you feel better to contemptuous dismiss the experiences of women who have been there and done it and know how difficult it is.

Maybe that makes you feel more comfortable about entrenching yourself in the same pattern you always have no matter the cost.

But you are wrong.

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 12/02/2022 21:39

@WonderfulYou

I’d not realised actually until MN, I’d gone from an abusive childhood home to an awfully abusive first relationship to then meeting DH and it being ‘ fine’ then sliding into abusive

If you genuinely think that he/his family are a danger to the children then you need to move far away.
Your posts make it sound like you don’t have much family so moving away will be less of an issue.

I don’t believe in taking children away from their families but living far away may mean he’ll come and visit them instead of them being at his.

He’s not a violent man to his minuscule credit. I’ve heard from a cowife of a family member that MIL used to hit children in her care. No concrete proof of this, but the level of care she provided for my toddler was disgraceful and I had to battle DH to make it stop as he was in denial about it all
OP posts:
marthasGinyard · 12/02/2022 21:40

You don't need records or recordings

His behaviour is disgusting and will impact on your dc

Don't make the same mistakes as me

Leave him

IsItTooHotInHere · 12/02/2022 21:44

He's a cunt.

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 12/02/2022 21:47

For all those attacking me, I literally have nowhere to go. There are no refuges around me. I don’t have the finances nor support network and I’m not entitled to any support in terms on benefits

My leaving my husband isn’t contingent on me losing 5kg, but it’s something I’d like to do for me to feel good about myself.

OP posts:
Haysfam · 12/02/2022 21:47

Can you start saving a little in your name where he won't find out? Pls be careful giving money to friends, especially any new friends. Pls consider leaving sooner. There is lots of help out there, womens aid for example. You are eligible for help. Pls give it some serious thought.

Rewritethestars1 · 12/02/2022 21:48

Its not true that he will get 50/50. Seek better legal advice from someone experienced im coercive control and emotional abuse. Also get yourself an idva (independent domestic abuse advocate/adviser). You can leave and you can keep your children safe with the right advice and support. Good luck.

Squeezyhug · 12/02/2022 21:50

Why don’t you at least speak to Women’s Aid ?
They will be very supportive and may be able to suggest options.
You don’t have to commit to anything.

Your DH is being a bully. Likely all talk about using your mh against you.Bullies like the intimidate.
Do you think he really would want the kids 50/50 because that would affect his carreer?

marthasGinyard · 12/02/2022 21:51

'There are no refuges around me. I don’t have the finances nor support network and I’m not entitled to any support in terms on benefits'

You'd be surprised after a lucritive 23 year career I'm now in a refuge who'd have believed that eh....dd at expensive private school

Left nice 5 bed house to get away from the gas lighting and abuse.

I'd never have believed it either.

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